As a kid, I moved around A LOT. It wasn't until I was 15 and a sophomore in high school that I was ever in the same school for more than a year. Because of this--well, because of many things but this is just easier to point a finger at--I have never been able to go back to a place where I lived and say, "This was my home--I belonged here." Feeling as though we belong somewhere, as we see in MacDondald's "Returning to Southie," has a tremendous impact on who we are and who we may one day become.
The need to belong is embedded in most people's genetic make-up. Abraham Maslow, a renowned psychologist who conceptualized what is now known as an individual's "Hierarchy of Needs,” reasoned that the need to belong is third on the pyramid to a fulfilling life (the first two are pretty basic--physiological and safety needs), and without that feeling, we simply cannot advance, grow or ever fully become the people we are destined to be.
So--what do you think? Do you, at the young and impressionable age of 16 or 17, feel the inherent need to belong? I bold that because feeling the need and feeling that you actually DO belong are sometimes two very different things. The most popular people you can imagine, the ones who are in every club, do every sport, go to every party--do you think THEY feel as though they belong?
If you feel like you do belong somewhere--where is it? What makes you feel that way? What does that sense of belonging do for you and your self-esteem?
If you don't feel as though you belong somewhere--why not? What do you feel is missing? Are you misunderstood, undervalued, overlooked? What does NOT feeling like you belong do for you and your self-esteem?
A lot to ponder over--trust me, I know. Give it some thought and tell me about it.
(500 words/50pts)
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Thank you Bunje for giving my Sunday nights a meaning. Now, let me compose something again from the heart. <3
ReplyDeletePart 1:
ReplyDeleteAs a young child, I would sit and watch The Wizard of Oz with my Mommom because it was her favorite movie. It became my favorite movie in time because it showed a path I thought everyone had to go through in order to grow up. That path being the one where you realize that no matter where home is, you need it and it needs you. “There is no place like home.” The emphasis is on home, because home does not have to be the house you live in, it is the place you are comfortable. The place where you belong.
Over the summer, I learned what it was like to be without that place. Most of my friends had jobs and stuff to do. I could not be in my place or with the people that made my place so special. It messed me up a little. I was a little more stressed and way more emotional because I had no one to talk to, no one that understands me. It is hard to feel that you belong in a place where you must constantly argue your actions, aka my house. With my father’s quick judgments, my strong and powerful ideas seem to get lost or misunderstood in the debate or my feelings are overlooked so that everything looks proper. With all the stress put on every action I make, it is hard to be without that place where you feel that you belong.
It would seem as though at my young and impressionable age of 16, 21 days and 12 hours, not that I am counting or anything, I do know that I NEED to feel that I belong. This became more apparent this year when I was, for the first time, placed in an AP class with people that I had never been with. There were always those two Honors class that were put together and that one that was all alone. For my first two years of high school, I was put in that cohort and now I was finally alone. I am with people who I have only seen a few times or maybe heard their names. There is nothing wrong with them. They are super nice. It is just that need to belong fighting with my fear of opening up that causes me so much trouble. Guess it always has now that I think about it.
It is important to feel that you belong to a special group or in a place. I know that feeling. I started Chess and Bridge last year. They are one team and they should be filled with a bunch of geeks and dorks, right? Wrong! These people are anime loving, rock listening, crazy party animals. Weird to put those with your image of a chess team, huh? Even though I am quiet and hate rock music, even though I am ADD and have a hard time focusing for an hour and a half on one game, and even though I could care less about anime…. Chess is where I belong. It is where I am comfortable and can scream at the top of my lungs when I cream my boyfriend in an epic check mate that he never even saw. Room 410 is like another home for me.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteThat wanting to feel that I belong has led me on countless journeys. Well, not really but mental journeys for sure. I am constantly thinking of how I can feel that I belong in more than one place. I mean when you only have one place that you actually feel that you belong, it can be devastating when that place is taking away, you know? For the people who can be in a hundred clubs and feel that they belong to each, more power to you! But I do not think most are like that. I know that I would not feel that I belonged to all of them. It just doesn’t seem possible to spread yourself that thin and still feel that you belong. This is why I am cautious on trying to find other places that I am as comfortable in. The way I see it is, if I am comfortable in one place, why waste time being anywhere else? Trust me; it is bad to think that way. I know.
However, when I am where I feel I belong… I am comfortable. I am confident. I am me. I do not feel misunderstood. I do my best work and I get my best ideas because there is no pressure to hide who I am. Being in a place where you feel you belong can be the best treatment for stress or pain. My place does this for me because it is not just the place that makes me feel that I belong, it is the people that I know and love will always have my back if I need them. That sense of belonging is hard to come by and stronger than I ever realized.
"Now, let me compose something again from the heart. <3"
ReplyDeleteOh, JV, you always manage to make me laugh without any effort whatsoever. You're silly. :P
Stephanie:
ReplyDeleteI completley agree with you that it is hard to be in more than one club and feel like you belong in all of them. However, I think that a lot of the the same people who are in one club, are in another. For example if you feel comfortable with the people in Student Council, changes ar e you will fell comfortable with the people in “Junior Class”, because most of them are the same. I disagree with you when you say “It is bad to think that way. I know” I think that if you found the place you feel comfortable in and can call home, like room 410, there is know reason for you to have to leave.
Part Uno
ReplyDeleteI don’t think I feel as much of a need to belong as I did a couple of years ago. At that time, it was really bad. I used to switch from clique to clique each year in search of friends who would accept me and take me for who I was, not who they molded me into. I wanted to be needed. Thing didn’t really turn out that way though. Year after year I’d switch from a group of friends who were into goth type things, to friends who were all about studies and grades, to friends who were obsessed with sports. Finally, my seventh grade year, I got involved with a group of materialistic girls. Except, rather than controlling their group, I was more like the lackey. I was always the one to give rides around town, (pick up and drop off!) and was always the one person to ask when you didn’t have an extra dollar for lunch. I was, however, never the one to be invited to a sleepover, party, or shopping trip. I was needed, but not in the way I wanted. Still, like the shy little insecure worm that I was, I dealt with it. I dealt with it because I refused to believe these people were using me. I refused to believe I had no friends. I refused to believe I wasn’t needed until one day I received a text message. It was a message from my “friend” making fun of the outfit I was wearing that day. Later they all surrounded me and told me how I was simply not good enough to be in their group no matter how many rides I gave them. They then began to fill me in on all my faults and problems that I had. I ran to my bus and cried the whole way home. I never felt as lonely in my life as I did on that day. Luckily, they said all those things the last day of school, so I had time to think things over and compose myself. When I came back to school I met a new girl who would become my best friend, and someone who needed me as much as I needed her…but that’s another story.
Due
ReplyDeleteI think people like those girls above are also ones who are the delusional minority that are still constantly striving to be needed my others. Maybe they think by becoming more popular and doing more things, people will want to be like them and need them as a fake example for themselves. I believe that most normal people in many sports and things aren’t like that though. Like me, they just want to participate and make as many friends as they can. Not to be needed, but to feel as if they have a greater social life and can say that they have a lot of great friends from part of groups that associate with their different interests.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, and I’m 100% okay with that! I don’t want to belong. I don’t want to exclude people just because they’re not someone I’m used to or someone who won’t be able to need me. I honestly just want to go to millions of different places and do a million different things so I’m not tied down to one certain thing. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if the people I meet need me or not. As long as they happy with me and true to me, I’m great.
Katie
ReplyDeleteI can't even explain to you how happy I am that we are as close as we are. I love EVERYTHING about you. Your sense of humor, your arttistic-ness, your style, your hair, your laugh, how you can comfort people, the list goes on and on! Those girls are dumb, fake bitches and they obviously were too stupid to realize the great friend they had.
I definitely agree with you on the wanting to do a million things. That's why this year we're joining (and being involved, not just being that lame person that shows up for the picture then leaves) all of the awesome clubs at school this year. I'm so excited! :D
After reflecting on my thoughts in my daily life, I have concluded this: I do often feel the need to belong, but I almost never pursue it. I never even bother.
ReplyDeleteI really believe that in most situations, all the popular people in school do belong. There are just some people in school that is able to talk to anyone without being thought of as weird, while when it's the other way around, when the "not-so-popular" people try to talk to the popular ones, they get shot down.
Personally, I feel like I belong in band. Any band class, any clique in band, I think I could fit into and talk to whoever's in it with ease, and that makes me feel amazing. I think the reasoning for that is most people in band see me the way I want them to. They don't see brash, semi-shy, AP girl, they see me as outgoing, musical and most importantly many people in band see me as a leader, whether they supported me as a leader or not. Because of the fact I was a leader, and because I'm one of few upperclassmen in band, I instantly have a lot of eyes on me for whatever I do. I am comfortable doing whatever I want in band. That might not always be a good thing, but it works. The way I met my boyfriend, who is in band: I sat with him on the bus and used his shoulder as a pillow to sleep on and he became one of my best friends. The way I met Camille Campbell, who is in band and one of my best friends: Mel and I danced with her constantly on the bus. It's all so much easier to branch out when in band. I'm not really sure why, but I really think is because for the most part, they see me the way I want to be seen.
As for school and anywhere outside of band, I feel as though I don't belong. I have a close knit group of friends that I always talk to, but then again they have their other branches of friends that they go out and hang out with and I usually just keep to myself unless the occasional invite along. Outside of band, I seem to transform into super-AP girl who doesn't party, basically doesn't do anything remotely fun and who is uninteresting and I never even bother to try and change that because I know everyone's just always going to see me that way. Everyone's always going to see the girl that yelled at the class of 2011 for being rude and obnoxious during the elections freshman year. I feel like people do not see me the way I want them to. When I say things, I wish they could be taken in the right way, when I do things I wish people knew my intentions and I wish people knew my opinions they way they are, not the way they appear. Even people that just meet me think of me as the girl that cares way too much about her grades and is in band, and that's all true but I don't want to be treated as solely that. Maybe it's because I'm Asian? I'm not sure. But it really sucks. I want to be known for music and my real opinions and my real personality, not the one fashioned up by distant impressions. It kills my self-esteem, which in result ends up really killing any desire I have to branch out or pursue things I want to. I wish I could just be seen the way I want to be seen, then maybe I'd feel like I belonged. That is an impossible dream, but it's my dream nonetheless.
I need interaction. Plain and simple. My only problem is that when I don’t feel comfortable, I can be really shy. So do I need to belong? Absolutely.
ReplyDeleteI have a few classes where I don’t really know anyone and can just sense that I just won’t mesh with anyone. I know this is the worst mindset to have, I realize this inhibits me from actually attempting to talk to them, but oh well. I hate these classes. I absolutely cannot stand just sitting through a class without having someone to remark on the weird things my Spanish teacher will say (because she will say them…in every class) or how boring math is (because it always is!). Thankfully, in these two classes I got moved (moved myself is more like it) or someone was moved next to me (S- Wright (= ). But to go a whole year without this, I would have died. I just hate feeling like I’m alone and for this not to occur, I HAVE to feel like I belong.
As for the super involved, they could go for one of two options. Either they just love being involved and spreading themselves way too thin, or they’re over compensating. If you don’t really feel as though you’re apart of something, you’re going to join everything just to catch a glimpse of acceptance.
But where do I really belong? There are just some groups of people where you walk into a room and you just know that somewhere in there is a missing puzzle piece where you happen to fit perfectly. For me, this place has been and will always be drama. I’ve been in it since 7th grade and I just don’t know where I’d be without it. Pretty much, I’m kind of a loser in the sense that I’ll just jump up and do whatever, be it playing a little boy or singing the Gilligan’s island theme song on stage. But that’s how we all are. Except for the drama class kids who just stare at you when you participate in class and think they’re the best actors and actresses in the world! But that’s a different blog rant =) Any who, drama is accepting, I think any theatre kid could agree that it may be the only place where you really can be your crazy, unreserved self. There aren’t too many places where you can act like… well anything, without receiving numerous “WTF?” stares. And trust me, we get them from others, a lot. But that’s ok, because we get them together, and no offense to room 204, but you can’t get closer than a drama family. You work so hard on something and it turns out amazing (except for HSM 2) and it just brings everyone together, even the people you don’t love so much. It’s just nice to feel apart of something that truly accepts you, quirks and all. Especially when it’s a place you absolutely love. So as Dorothy says, “There’s no place like home,” and I’m sure glad I found mine.
Being in high school, “belonging” is one of the most desired thing I think. Everyone's first step in Oakcrest as a freshman was probably very nervous. The nerves came from the thought of “Will I fit in?” The need to fit in is always there, whether it's obvious or hidden.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the part about the popular kids in every club, sport, and party, there are two ways to look at it. There is the popular type who have their own “in” crowd. They exclude everyone else and try to make themselves seem cooler than they are because they're insecure. They do sports because everyone else does and they want to be part of something. Deep down they don't feel happy, so they shut down other people in their school to try and feel better about themselves. They do clubs because they want to become some type of leader in the club and just have one more thing to show off about. Also, they show up at every party because they want to brag about it the next day and mention how cool they are because they got invited to a party. At that party, they probably only talked to one person or two because they really only have a few real friends. People like that are into clubs, sports, and parties for the wrong reasons; they are insecure and feel the need to belong everywhere.
Then then there are the kids who do everything for the right reasons. There are the popular kids who are popular because of personality. They don't exclude people form their lives and they are there for their friends whenever they're needed. These people do sports for the love of the game and the friendship that comes along with it. I've met my closest friends through soccer, whether it was high school or just some traveling team. But, to prove that I didn't join sports for the wrong reasons, I didn't know anyone on the team when I first started. The friendships were formed after the season began. Also, these types of people join clubs and go to parties just for fun and they're looking for a good time. They get invited to parties because of their personality and they don't just get invited to make the host look good. People like this truly have a good time in life and they know how to do things for the right reasons. These are the people who really feel like they belong.
The place I feel that I belong is on the soccer team. Everyone knows I love sports, especially soccer. The reason I know I belong here is because I was accepted as a freshman on varsity and without anyone even knowing me I made friends on the first day. Instantly I felt a relationship with every one of the girls on the team, and as the season went on, unbreakable bonds were formed. Some people call girls soccer a Super Clique, and honestly, they're right. We hang out all of the time outside of school and soccer and that's how I know I belong. I don't just belong on the field, I belong on the team. I feel accepted there without a doubt and with that my self-esteem just shoots up. As a freshman I felt on top of the world being friends with all of the upperclassmen because of soccer. Even now, being part of an amazing winning team makes me feel like I can handle anything. If I can score that goal, I can ace that test. If I can win that game, I can make that friend. Sports automatically build confidence and confidence on the field means confidence off the field.
Basically, everyone in high school needs to belong somewhere, and they usually do. We've all got that certain group of friends that makes us feel accepted and needed, which helps us get through life. Some people just don't feel accepted and they try too hard and make themselves the so-called “popular” kids. People like that are unhappy, and the real popular kids are the kids who have over all good personalities and good times.
KTG,
ReplyDeleteI am glad you "got the _ _ _ _ out of the water." I can't believe though that through all those excruciating times at homeroom, gym and art class that you've never told me about these experiences. Give me some names, I'll whoop some asses.
I'm totally kidding. But I never realized that happened to you. Katie, you seem like the type of person that always never cared about what others said. You're probably one of the funniest people I know and you don't even try. I'm serious.
Things that you described that happened to you in the past seemed so surreal. I didn't think that even happened in real life. I'm glad now though that you've blossomed into this beautiful creeper lady that does what she wants and doesn't let other stupid people affect it.
I love you and I'm proud of you! I'm going to give you a hug tomorrow. Okay?
“The Plastics“, the most memorable teenage monarchy to ever rule the silver screens, apply to almost every school in the world. We all have them of course, the most popular kids in our school. We also have an array of cliques at every level of our grade. The thing is, I feel like I can’t categorize myself into any of them permanently.
ReplyDeleteThe career that I want to head off to requires probably the most amount of social networking that one can ask for. I think that making myself only talk to a certain group of people will do me no good at all. It hinders my ability to be a chameleon in a sense in being able to act like ambassador in which I am capable of talking to all those around me.
So, if I were to say that I really do need to belong to something, then I would say that I belong to no one else but myself. Am I stupid for saying that? I think that’s just the politically safe aspect of my answer.
See the thing is, I don’t find myself only associating with one group of people. That’s what’s bothering me the most. It worries me because of what Abraham Maslow said, “the need to belong is third on the pyramid of fulfilling life.” Am I not going to fulfill life because I didn’t chose a clique in high school? Is my life doomed now because I can’t seem to find a group of people where I belong?
You know the “most popular people you can imagine?” I think I fit into that category. I mean, I do hang around with the most amazing people ever, who just so happened to be involved with a good amount of things in school. I find myself as well doing so much activities, but I don’t join them to increase my popularity. I do these things because I love them. Is that a crime?
Popularity sometimes is associated with being fake. Some people say that you can’t be nice to everyone. You can’t always be that happy of a person. You’re not real. Why is that? Okay, so I don’t like every single person in the hallway. That doesn’t mean that I should start a brawl with them. My parents raised me on being civil. You know, learning to hold your mouth. If you’ve got nothing good to say then don’t say it at all. Despite the fact that I can’t completely control that nowadays, I still am able to pacify it to an extent much better than most people today. So, what is it? Because I smile at everything, then I’m considered fake. That’s what it is right?
Sorry, I got a little off track.
Anyways, I feel like I do belong to myself. I don’t think I should prescribe to Abraham Maslow. What does he know? He doesn’t know my life. I’ll build my own damn pyramid and mind you it’ll be pimped out. It’ll be the freshest pyramid down the block. My self-esteem, specially this year, has sky rocketed. It’s because of the companionship that I’ve built with the people around me. It’s not because I found the perfect place to belong with. It’s because I’ve found amazing friends from all colors of the spectrum, whether they be “cool Asians” or “girls who eat their feelings” or “unfriendly black hotties” or even “the plastics“, that will help me out through developing into a stronger human being.
Taylor P- You drama kids are soo close!! The kids in that class are probably jealous because they don't have the guts to participate! People may laugh, but when they go and see the play they wish they had done drama. I used to think drama was stupid in 6th grade, until I saw one of the plays. I really wanted to be in a play so bad since that day. I'm jealous that you guys have balls and can get up on that stage and do crazy things and it definately seems like a good time.
ReplyDeleteJV- I definately love the reference to mean girls ;). You should have added the groups "girls who eat nothing at all.." or "the coolest people you will ever meet!!" You crack me up, which is why you're definately one of the popular kids! The REAL popular kid I mean, not some fake person trying to make themself fit in.
ReplyDeleteRain is such a beautiful thing. The world seems to move in slow motion because of it. Plans aren’t ruined, but simply succumb to the power of rain, with no other option but to appreciate its omnipotent presence. Each individual drop creates a sound that builds up into a cacophony of constant drumming. It drowns out everything else, but really, what else would you want to listen to? The air is cool and the world smells of purification. It seems like everything is being refreshed, revived. Rain is such a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteWhat a befitting day to give birth. The black mamba seeks out a perfect location. Wait, that’s wrong. The black mamba, in lieu, rediscovers the location she had picked out the last time she had given birth. And the time before. And the time before. All the way back to when she was born there herself. It’s a habit most snakes have. This particular snake, the black mamba, is the fastest snake on the planet. It’s venom is a neurotoxin that attacks the nervous system, and can kill a human within twenty minutes. It’s known as the Black Death, and horridly feared. It’s called aggressive. Called. The truth is this creature is incredibly nervous all the time. It worries. This uneasiness and lack of confidence in its own essence causes the snake to lash out at the slightest disturbance. In this way, it is misunderstood. But not now. Not in the place of its birth.
The eggs have been laid and the black mamba goes back to reluctantly try her best against the foreign world. When the eggs hatch, they do the same. It’s a cycle that hurts and torments the soul. But each black mamba will go back to the place it belongs, even though it doesn’t know why. How can you explain an inherent feeling that a place you don’t remember or have never been to before is the place meant for you? How can you justify knowing, just having an internal feeling, that a certain place is home? Whether the snakes can explain it or not is irrelevant. It’s where they belong. All that matters is that the reader understands.
So, this brings me to my purpose. This may have seemed off topic, but I assure you it’s the only way my soul would have this written. I am the snake: feared, hated, misunderstood or just ignored. I am nervous, I am restless, I am scared. But I know I’m on my way to a place that I call home to give birth to a new me, to let Kale Nagasaki emerge from the outer layers of make-up and fulfill her destiny with unbounded beauty. Japan, you are the rain, the place, the world: I love you. I belong with you. I haven’t seen you yet, but I’ve felt you. I know you. You’re calling me, and I’m answering. You give me confidence of soul. I don’t know what it feels like to need to belong somewhere, because once I was aware of that need, it was fulfilled. My soul has always belonged in Japan, whether I was aware of it or not, and now all I’m trying to do is find my way home.
Stephanie: You don't like anime! D: Just kidding. :] I'm sorry we haven't been able to meet up over the summer, but what you felt was how I felt too. I'm really glad chess makes you happy, because that feeling of home is something I don't feel with the tennis team. I know your dad and I know that it must be really hard. You both are great people, but he's quick and harsh while you're more timid, so it seems like you always lose. Nonetheless, you don't need to feel unwanted in your own house. On the other hand, if you ever really need someone, I'm always here for you. Always.
ReplyDeleteJV: Your description of yourself was impeccable. I can’t put you in a clique, which is good. I’m not afraid to talk to you, because you seem to understand everybody. I love how you outwardly attack that guy’s theory, so kudos to you! While I do think the guy is right with most people, I think it’s not stupid at all to count yourself as an exception. You have the presence and power to make home everywhere you walk.
Taylor: That’s really good. You feel like you belong in drama, and I’ve read that Alexis feels she belongs in band. Stephanie finds comfort in chess. I have to say I’m extremely jealous I haven’t felt this from a school club. I’m on the tennis team, but I couldn’t feel more foreign on it. Girls create cliques very fast and it’s really obvious when you aren’t a part of one. Nonetheless, when I think of Taylor, I automatically think drama because you just make that home no matter what. You have a colorful personality. Just like how you mentioned feeling like the missing piece, drama wouldn’t be complete with you. :]
KTG: I admit I saw a change in you from 7th to 8th grade, but I never looked that deeply into it. I never knew the cause, I just took it as it was. I still accepted you, as I do with all people when they change, because I expect them to change anyway. I never knew why you weren't as good friends with that clique, but I wish I did then. I know how you feel because the same clique did the same thing to me, but I got out of it early enough that it didn't affect me. And honestly, at that point in my life I was so used to being let down by people that I couldn't care less. I hate that this happened to you and I'm sorry that this is such a long comment, but your blog really triggered a thought in me about my past. You made me realize that I didn't have many friends at all. I honestly had one...
ReplyDeleteLexi-
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to lie, and i know I've told you this before, when I met you I thought you hated me. I felt like you shut yourself off from me like you thought I was irritting. I have no clue what triggered it, but eventually you opened up to me, maybe I was one of the branches from your friends, and we became really good friends. I feel like now, you feel like you belong as my friend. I feel like you shouldn't focus on mking youself belong, but you should show the world your personality. I've seen your band side and your class side and I love them both. If you let people know both sides of you, you'll belong anywhere you ever want!
Carpet itches the back of my neck. My arms and legs sprawl across the floor looking up at all the things that were supposedly made to serve them. “Why do I do this? Why did that seem like a good idea?” sprouts out of my mouth. A messy knot in my hair settles onto my cheek. My exhausted eyes watch my thoughts trip over each other again and again.
ReplyDeleteVoices, so familiar they could be in my own head, convince me everything is perfect, before they even complete a word. I can’t remember feeling homesick very often, even when I was little. I’ve missed people and things to the point where I have almost torn myself apart. I’ve craved a safe haven. I have even longed for the regularity and certainness of a life locked up in my room under my own control. However I can not say that my own home or life has consistently been a place where I have belonged.
I also cannot say that I always belong in my own family. Somewhere along the line, I wasn’t careful enough. I got caught on a sharp corner I didn’t see in time. I’ve been unraveling ever since, and there is a string tying me to every scene I don’t want to remember. My mom is driving me home from a party. I must be in second or third grade, but this could have happened in so many other years. A bunch of girls from school had picked on another girl, and I sat there. I tried to tell her it was ok, and distract them, but I might as well have been a shadow on the floor. I was just staring at the dark depths of the sky and listening to the music of the wheels against the road. My mom kept trying to tell me how my dad got home from a business trip and “he isn’t in a good mood.” I didn’t want to think about what that means. I was pretty sure I would be able to slink up to my room before I become a blank screen for him to project his anger onto. Some shimmer in the eye of a star hit me like a promise. Maybe all this isn’t real. Maybe somewhere someone is watching me, and loving me for every mistake I make. Maybe someday I will see them and know, then everything can finally feel right. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m really from here.” My mom launched into some obscure topic related to south Jersey. Not what I meant at all. I stopped her. This was actually important. I suggested that I might not be from this country, or this planet. I might not be human at all. That would explain everything I think. She tried to laugh it off, but I couldn’t even fake a smile to humor her. She started trying to make a sense out of my words that wasn’t mine, but I let it go. I kept saying never mind, and pulling my coat over the open wound in my soul. I am sure if I asked my mom about it she would not remember, but I can’t cut the tie between the me contemplating all of this in my room and the one who hid her tears in the very same place years ago.
Part 2
ReplyDeleteI’m lost in the dark and the string runs through my fingers. A creaky desk, a low messy pony tail and the heinous uniform that branded nine years of my life surround me. “St. Nicholas school, a family tradition”, I won the yearly writing contest for Catholic school’s week a few years in a row before I gave up on it. I claimed St. Nicholas was a family. I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else and I felt so safe and comfortable around everyone, I said. I spewed the same lies across from the alter, when we read our essays in church. Finally one year I handed in a few quickly written sentences on a piece of torn and wrinkled paper. I wrote that dear old St. Nicks was a cage, and suffocated me. It was not satisfied with success, only conformity. The class bullies could receive a “character award” if only they professed exactly what they were told and followed the guideline. There was only one sport, one club, and one recognized truth. I could not be one of their golden ones, even when my mom was observing from her classroom across the hallway and classmates were telling me what was wrong with me. I became the only six grader, who listened to music that wasn’t top forty, thought for herself about religion, loved old movies, didn’t have a myspace, and knew the fights and the musical chairs method of dating were pointless. I became an eighth grader, who couldn’t wait to get out.
Most of the time, I surprise myself by how much I can remember, but even more I shock myself by how much I can’t forget. I was forced to build myself from nothing. My life followed along as I did. I don’t want to “belong” to a place. I’ve spent all my life breaking away from my family, my surroundings, and what others want me to be. I still find myself stumbling over the problems and insecurities that used to be able to overpower me. Those are the times, when my grip tightens on the string. I’m dragged through the pains and hardships of my past, but they always lead me to here. The Sarah I have evolved to loves herself. She can believe in herself under the worst circumstances, love the people who hurt her, and know that she can accomplish more than she ever has before. I am most comfortable, I most belong, when I am the most in touch with her. Like this, when I just made a huge fool out of myself and I am spread out on my best friend’s floor, I fit in the world.
Tay-Tay P-
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I hate the feeling of not belonging. This year, I too, had a couple classes with a lot of people I didn't know in them. I didn't know what to do. I literally considered dropping the classes because I felt like I had no friends in them. Eventually though, someone from each class began to talk to me and things started to click. Now I'm happy in all of my classes. You just have to give the new people in your classes a chance. I'm sure you'll love them and soon you'll feel like you belong with them!
Kale: Correction to my blog. I do not like anime like them. I do, however, love Dragon Ball Z... lol. I know that you are always here for me and I know I have people I can talk to. I am just embarrassed to talk to anyone. The problem I had today I need to talk to someone about but I do not know who. All my friends won't be able to help me but adults will not just listen.... I don't know what to do. But Thanks.
ReplyDeleteAbout your blog now: Kale, You are a wonderful writer. You can make everything seem to fit together in a beautiful stream of words. Everything is just perfect. I love your style or writing as much as the words that come out. You are beautiful, inside and out.
Alex N: Thanks for the comment. It is true. I am a little harsh on myself but I mean that it is bad to not give other places a shot just because I found one that I like. Thanks though. Your words seem to make sense. Thanks for being my light.
Deanna,
ReplyDeleteThat was so beautifully written. I somehow knew though that you were talking about yourself. I love how you completely put that into an extended metaphor about your expriences. It was clever. Japan, indeed, is such a beautiful country. I've been there, like I told you, a good amount of times. It's really a country where artistic differences can be accepted much more than in the United States. Plus, I know that you dig those Japanese hunks that you always watch on tv in leotards. :P
Sarah freaking Lombardo
ReplyDeleteYour blog entry is so...beautiful. The words, the way you string them together, your metaphors, they are all so strong. I could have been handed that blog (with the name Sarah removed from it) and I would have still been able to tell you who wrote it. Your voice is so magical and poetic and flowing and just amazing. I am literally blown away by your writing.
'Maybe all this isn’t real. Maybe somewhere someone is watching me, and loving me for every mistake I make. Maybe someday I will see them and know, then everything can finally feel right. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m really from here.”"
You are not human, you are MUCH more than that. Whenever I talk to you, whether we're discussing deep topics, or merely the weather, I can just tell. I can easily imagine you lying among the stars without the restraints of our world. Gah, you are incredible Sarah. <3
Before I start ranting as well about drama (the art not the gossip)......
ReplyDeleteTaylor- I 110% agree with everything you had to say about Drama! It is probably the only place, besides 204 of course, where we act like our true,dorky, and completely obsessive selves. We love musicals, and acting, and in front of our "family", we love to talk about it! Pre-casting is our hobby, and showing off in front of the freshmen in our drama class is what we love to do. Ever since Ragtime, I found a place where I belong. Even if we deny it, I believe we all WANT to belong. I wasn't really expecting to belong anywhere. Freshmen year I was basically bouncing around each sport and activity. But when Drew, Paul, and Fiona came along, I knew where I was meant to be. And then you and I became bfffff's during Ragtime, and our hatred for each other ended. I love drama and I am not ashamed!
Why is it so hard for me to remember all of the friends I had in the Mullica days? Oh, that’s right. I only had one. I don’t want you to think I was and still am bitter about this fact. Actually, I believe the ten-year state of not feeling a connection to others other than my one friend, forced me to grow. Now, my life is the complete opposite. I have too many friends. I have spread myself way too thin and I don’t even have a best friend anymore.
ReplyDeleteIn the Mullica days, the school was so small that the cliques were easily distinguishable. We had the material girls, the gothic kids, the extremely popular and equally asshole-ish guys, and the nerds. I didn’t fit into any of these categories, and I don’t think my best friend, Michelle did either. This is why we became such good friends. We needed each other in order to survive the nine years of the Mullica schooling system. For such a young age, I had a remarkable talent for knowing when I was being used or screwed over. I would try and make new friends (I picked from the vast selection of the same 100 students every year), but I never seemed to fit in any specific category. I feel like the lines between cliques were so boldly drawn, that nobody ever dared to cross them. My remarkable gift came into use in each clique. No matter which group I would go to, I would be used for something, whether it was homework, money, or a ride somewhere. With my gift, I knew the second I was being used and immediately dissociated myself with the clique from then on. Many of you probably think I was being paranoid, but I pride myself on the way I use my instincts to my advantage and it had paid off numerous times. I look back on my relationships to other when I was in Mullica and the only relationship in which I whole-heartedly believed I belonged was with my best friend.
I have seen a complete turn-around in my relationships with others. On my first day of high school, I met one of my really good friends, Kelsey Cheekers. After I met Kelsey, she introduced me to a lot of people from Davies and my friendship immediately began to branch out to so many new people from so many different cliques. I felt as though I belonged with every clique and the lines between cliques didn’t even exist, so I was free to move between the former lines as I pleased. Since that first day of high school, I haven’t stopped making friends. Part of that remarkable gift I was talking about always warns me that I may be opening myself up to the wrong people, and it has been right a couple of times. I do have a problem with the amount of friends I have, though. I don’t have a best friend anymore. I have too many okay friends and really good friends. I’m not sure who I belong with anymore. The only person I would consider calling my best friend goes to Eastern High School and I only get to see her twice a month. Also, when I’m with her, I sometimes feel as though I don’t belong when we’re hanging out as a group with her other friends.
I don’t have a solution for myself. I refuse to give up any of the amazing people I’ve become friends with so far in high school, but I don’t have a true best friend. It’s a weird concept to grasp, but even though I’m well aware of the amount of friends I have, I still feel kind of lonely. My sense of belonging have been twisted due to so many different environments that I’m not sure which one I like better: the belonging when you have a ton of okay friends, or the belonging in which you have a couple best friends. Though I can’t decide between the two, I feel as though I have to.
Sarah L,
ReplyDeleteYou vivid descriptions really put me into this dream like state. You have a way of talking like that too, which is why I love just going out to dinner with you and dissecting your brain. It's quite amazing how you can easily paint a picture with words and I admire that. It is truely a talent that one must try to hang on to for the rest of eternity.
Genuinely, you liking other things that normal teenagers don't appreciate is something that I feel one should be proud of, not because you're different among the others but because you've discovered other beautiful things in life that your generation hasn't yet. It's like going on an adventure in every aspect of your life.
Sarah C- Since the first day freshman year I have always loved you. Sometimes it may seem that I am closer with Carly or have other friends instead of you. No way Sarah, we have been close since the beginning of freshman year and will stay close even past college. I couldn’t agree more when you said, “but I don’t have a true best friend. It’s a weird concept to grasp, but even though I’m well aware of the amount of friends I have, I still feel kind of lonely.” This excerpt is exactly what is going on in my life too. I personally think that people take friendships for granted. I consider you one of my best friends but I don’t always show it. I regret not being as close to you as I have wanted, but I still think our friendship is something to be proud of. I love you kiddo and just know that I will always be there for you. High school is a hard place to really know where you belong, but when a friendship clicks, like ours did, just know I’ll always be behind you. (Literally and figuratively)
ReplyDeleteKelsey-
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the I just peed my pants on that last part!
Typically, I’m thrown into the category of ‘loner’- the abyssal category that lingers at the edge of society, a barren waste populated by few and traversed by fewer. It’s a primordial, desert place, a land unshaped by culture, untouched by the hands of man. Everyone has been there. It’s the beginning of our search for identity. Most people leave for greener pastures when given the opportunity, but… some people don’t. I’ve always sought for truth in the simple things, those alien rocks of the loner abyss. There are things that never change, and I rely on those things. People change, people err. I am comfortable with natural things, not the creations of man, be it something corporeal, like television, or abstract, like societal decorum.
ReplyDeleteBut deep down in my being, I am not content to be alone with myself and my world. I am human, as much as I strive to be more than that, and want to be with my people. I don’t want to be just a feature of the loner abyss – I want to be a part of something. I don’t understand this urge, but it might have something to do with the feeling that I’m missing out on something good. The vast majority of people who are part of a group seem happy. Sometimes their happiness comes from shared grief and misery, a practice that I feel is unhealthy, but it is happiness nonetheless. And I want to be a happy person, so I’m branching out. I know enough from my time in the abyss to avoid the downfall of being part of the pack, so I think I’m ready to look for people like me, who will accept me for what I am.
ReplyDeleteI have a habit of watching what goes on around me with attention to excruciating detail, for the sake of gathering information so that I can act appropriately, something that I often have trouble with. My sister liked to call this ‘people watching’, sort of like bird watching I suppose, just without the binoculars and camouflage. I probably sound like a complete creeper, but it’s just what I have to do to get by. And it looks to me like people are good at finding a place where they belong. They seem happy with their friends, but there’s another deep dissatisfaction that I sense. Could it be with themselves? I like to think that they are like me, but really I don’t know. I just live at the edge, my people-watching post. I see everything, I experience nothing. I want to understand, and to do that I have to find a group, and know the life they lead. You can’t judge a person until you have walked a thousand miles in their shoes.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteEveryone wants to belong. There’s really no use in denying it. Companionship, trust, love, and caring are something that everyone desires. However, it happens to be much harder to actually find such relationships, at least for some. Count me among those some.
ReplyDeleteBelonging is something that has always troubled me. Whether it was while I was growing up in the ridiculously small confines of Mullica school, or while I was first introduced to Oakcrest, I’ve always found it hard to fit in. I’m not exactly normal. My relationships with my friends make no sense whatsoever. I, like Sarah, feel that I don’t really have a true best friend, or even somebody all that close. I don’t do things on the weekends. I stay home, doing stuff on the computer or watching television. I don’t have much of a life. I have plenty of friends, I guess, but none that are even close enough to do stuff with.
As for school, and clubs, and stuff like that, I’m not even sure I’ve ever fit in with any of those. When I went to the spelling bee that I mentioned in a previous blog, I met a whole bunch of nerdy people. A lot of them were homeschooled, and they didn’t do anything at all but study. That is not a bad thing by any means, but it’s never really been my thing. I don’t like to study. I hate it, in fact. The only thing I ever really study for is things like vocabulary tests, which are unavoidable. But regardless, I felt like I didn’t really belong there. They really weren’t my type.
The people I grew up around weren’t my type either. Mullica was weird. I had about three friends that I ever did anything with outside of school, and I barely talk to them any more. Oakcrest is the same. Although I feel at least welcomed by the people I’m surrounded with, I’m not sure I really fit in with most of them. Good relationships are hard to come by for me. (Not to mention girls, but I have no intentions of getting into that right now.) I’m…. different, I guess. I don’t go to parties, I haven’t been to a movie theater in about two years, and I never just hang out with my friends.
Basically, I’ve never really felt like I belonged. It’s a deep human need, and I want to just as much as the next person, but I know that who I am and how I act often prohibits any type of relationship from forming. I, quite frankly, act pretty stupidly around people. I don’t know what it is that I am looking for. A lot of what I do is to try to figure that out. I have yet to figure out where I belong, and my journey there is going to be full of experimentation. I hate staying the same. But whatever the outcome is, I do know one thing. I, like everyone else, want to belong. I want to have a wife and kids. I want to find a job that I like. I just don’t know what it is that fits that criteria yet.
PART 1
ReplyDeleteAs I stayed at home sick today, I searched about the numerous channels on television, bored out of my mind. I came upon a movie called “Never Been Kissed”, starring Drew Barrymore. (Ever heard of it?) It is your typical high-school 90’s movie, which tells the story of a 25 year-old undercover reporter named Josie who disguises herself as a high-school student, hoping to find a juicy story roaming about the halls. She begins as a mockery, getting tossed around by the “popular” clique, struggling to be a part of the “in” crowd. Her boss, back at the newspaper headquarters, demands for Josie to become friends with these “populars”, whether she wants to or not. So, Josie ditches the math-letes and slowly becomes a part of the popular group, and sure enough wins Prom Queen. Really cliché, but it is just a movie. Anyways, haunted by her real high school experience, which is filled with the ghosts of embarrassment, harassment, and braces, Josie kind of enjoys being at the top of the pyramid. However, at prom, Josie stops the “populars” from pouring dog food onto a nerd, shocking almost everyone. She lashes out on them, and said something that really touched me. “All of you people, there is a big world out there... bigger than prom, bigger than high school and it won't matter if you were the prom queen, the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it.” Moral of the story: Josie is kick-ass and can see beyond the need of attention.
For years, I struggled to find who I was and where I belonged. I always had one true best friend, Brynne Kessler, and things have never changed. Yet, living in Mays Landing for all of my life, I have traveled like a nomad from clique to clique, trying to discover who I am and who I can trust. Back in elementary school, I was pretty certain who my array of friends were. Then, in 6th grade, after a brutal and blurry fight between me and the rest of my friends, I was lost. I did not what to do with myself. I was used to having so many friends and feeling like I belonged. I belonged in 6th grade. Feeling needed was my main priority. That day the “fight” occurred is very blurry in my mind, and when I reminisce about it, I don’t even remember how it even started. I do remember, however, that the summer after 6th grade was the summer of complete loneliness. I had no friends, and it has always been difficult to think about those times.
PART 2
ReplyDeleteIt took a while to find out who my true friends were, after hearing apologizes and jumping from a new clique to another new clique. Brynne still stuck with me after all those years. Up until my freshmen year at the Oak, I guess you could say I still hadn’t recovered from the change that occurred in 6th grade. I no longer felt as though I belonged. I just felt like a dog toy that was being torn apart with mockery.
I brought myself, my love for drama, and that need to belong as I dragged myself into my freshmen year of high school. Yes, I’ll admit it. I needed to belong. I felt uncomfortable trying to discover where I was meant to be, and I was certain that high school would guarantee a long-anticipated answer. I remember trying out for the straight play “Tom Sawyer” all by myself, eyeing every upperclassman in admiration. Leslie Pinero, Becca Irwin, Gracie Roden, in my opinion, were amazing actress’, and I knew I had no shot in associating with these drama divas. Then, a lanky guy named Paul Brower walked up to my lonesome self and said “Hola, Chica.” From that moment on, I knew where I belonged. This didn’t mean that I was only secluded to the auditorium and I couldn’t do any other activity. This just simply meant I knew a place where I could act like my true self. I have never acted so true and free as did my freshmen year. Drew, Paul, Fiona, Lauren etc. were the best friends I never had in 6th grade. So much different from my present friends, they were so much similar to me. You could act like complete idiots in public, as long as you were together to laugh about it. Taylor Palm, whom I hated in middle school, suddenly became my great friend, and we realized how much we had in common. In the blink of an eye, everything was setting in stone. I became my class secretary, I met amazing people, and life, in general, was great. Freshmen year was probably as epic, if not better, than the times of 6th grade.
PART 3
ReplyDeleteSophomore year did not live up to freshmen year’s brilliance, but I still held strong to my drama family. Besides 204 and 230, Drama is probably the only place where I can act like my true, quirky, overly-passionate drama geek-self. I still am best friends with Brynne and my other non-drama friends, and they understand my love for drama. That is, in essence, what makes them a true friend.
You may disagree with my need to belong, but I feel as though it is only natural. I believe human nature supplies us the hunger for acceptance. We need each other’s comfort, advice, and overall presence. Meeting with others who are like me is a feeling like no other. I enjoy talking about things most would laugh at. Yes, some would conclude that drama kids are annoying, loud, obsessive, and speak with way too many accents. And yes, most do not come out and appreciate the hard work and dedication we put to each of our shows. However, in the struggle to belong, it does not matter to what the others say. You feel comfortable in your environment, and that is all that matters.
In Josie’s rant, she shows the popular girls their true intentions. “Let me tell you something Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin, you will spend your lives trying to keep others down because it makes you feel more important.” Maybe what Josie is trying to convey is that these “populars” aren’t so popular after all. Maybe they are the misfits. While others have found “who they are” and accepted their “clique”, these three girls are wasting their time harassing others, just for the benefit of themselves. Is this really getting them anywhere? Is this really what the term “popular” means? I don’t believe there is such a “popular” clique, and that is why I keep putting the term “popular” in quotations. Maybe this imaginary clique is just a bunch of people who still haven’t found where they belong, and thus come together to waste time. So, Gibby, Kristen, and Kirsten are the ones with the urge to belong. I hope this example isn’t all that confusing.
Part 1:
ReplyDeleteI'm involved in a lot. There's high school soccer, club soccer, summer soccer, Junior Class, Student Council, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, my church's youth group, and Oakcrest Teen Center. However, the place in which I feel the greatest sense of belonging is with the "Tiger Sibs." This group is composed of the siblings of the girls on my sister's soccer team. It's the one group I hang out with without a specific goal in mind. Actually, scratch that. In January, when we tag along with our sisters to Florida, we compete to see who can get the most phone numbers, all of which must be validated with a text or call. At the regional three-on-three championships, we spent nearly two hours trying to perfect a made-up accent. In New Brunswick, we gallivanted around a soccer complex attempting to find the perfect location for a group photo. The "Tiger Sibs" are truly my best friends.
Everyone needs a group of friends that is independent from other friends. They know no one you know and you know no one they know. That, I believe, is why the "Tiger Sibs" are such a close-knit group. There are no preconceived notions derived from people who think they know me. None of us are vying for popularity on a grander scale. We can be ourselves without word getting back to people at school. When I am with them, my need to belong disappears because, quite simply, it is fulfilled. One day in particular, Lex, Brielle, Ritchie, Raul, Jennelle, Riquan, and I were all sitting on a hill watching our sisters play and we got to talking about more than phone numbers, accents and photo ops. We talked about life. I confided that I go through innumerable ups and downs with my self-esteem. None of them believed me. The sense of belonging I am filled with when I am with this particular group of friends soothes any self-esteem battle waging inside of me, so none of the "Tiger Sibs" had the slightest idea of any conflict.
Oftentimes, I don't feel this sense of belonging at school, in my activities, or in soccer. Sure, I have a lot of friends as a result of my involvement and the way we AP Kids stick together. On the downside of being involved, when my friends from one group are free to get together, I am usually off at another activity or I just really need the time to catch up on schoolwork. For instance, I enjoy my time with the school's soccer team, but when the whole team gets together for a Sunday-night pasta party, I train with my club team. I even missed the end-of-the-year banquet because it was the last day to practice with my club team before a big college showcase tournament. And I don't spend all of my time with my club team either. Aside from games and practices, our greatest contact is Facebook and texting. When I text a teammate, the areas code to which I am sending my message can be any of the following: 609, 856, 908, 732, 215, or 973. Even if that gives you just the slightest idea of how spread apart my teammates live, meeting up with them outside of an organized practice is obviously a huge hassle. As I live the furthest south, my closest teammate is thirty-five minutes away, the furthest, about three hours.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, being outgoing and overly busy leads to my having a multitude of people who are "kinda sorta" friends. I have a best friend in school, but that is only because that relationship is relative to my other relationships. We have gotten together outside of school maybe three times since freshman year. I feel like I can walk through Oakcrest's halls and "know" at least three-fourths of the people I pass. Even when I don't acknowledge people in the hallways, I receive smiles, nods, waves, and even high fives. However, I don't receive invites, heart-to-heart conversations, or even the slightest involvement in any conversation outside of the mundane "How ya doin'?" and "Great game, huh?" I am the person who is left out of a day at the beach or a party when I feel like all of my friends are there. I know I will probably be busy, but the consideration would be nice. I'm tired of having 1800 Oakcrest students with whom I am almost good friends. I would love lose focus on my activities long enough to invest in a full-fledged friendship, but I know that if I do so, I'll most likely end up grounded for letting my grades drop and I won't be able to spend time with that friend or group of friends anyways.
Now I may not represent every sign on The Wall, but I know that the people who are in every club and playing every sport are not at every party. They are just a tad overdrawn. Social life? Ha! One either sacrifices activities for a social life or a social life for activities. Those people who SEEM to be in every club, do every sport, and go to every party are not really as involved as they seem. There are only twenty-four hours in a day. It has been my experience that a feeling of belonging can only be achieved by setting aside time to be with people without a primary focus aside from enjoyment.
Sarah C:
ReplyDelete"I do have a problem with the amount of friends I have, though. I don’t have a best friend anymore. I have too many okay friends and really good friends... I don’t have a true best friend. It’s a weird concept to grasp, but even though I’m well aware of the amount of friends I have, I still feel kind of lonely"
I TOTALLY understand. I don't know if this is partially because of sports for you, too, but I know that I lack the time to invest in friendships because of soccer, but at soccer, I am focused strictly on playing soccer. I often describe the loneliness I feel from not being super close to people as having no friends. I'll usually get all sad, but I find that when I force myself to use every every part of the unused day to invest in my social life (like if I have to leave for practice at 4 P.M., I'll plan something with a friend earlier in the day), that feeling of loneliness lightens up. It's tiring to be constantly on the move, so it's hard to do all the time, but it definitely helps so I don't feel that weird lonely feeling as often and my friendships are strengthened.
Lucas:
ReplyDelete"I, quite frankly, act pretty stupidly around people."
I think you're the one who tells yourself this. As much as I joke around and profess my love to you, I really do love talking to you in pych and homeroom. You're honest, insightful, and not stupid at all. I think you treat yourself unfairly everytime you walk in and say "I'm stupid" because of something totally out of your control. Then you proclaim that you act stupidly around people. YOU ARE NOT STUPID and I'm not just saying that because you are crazy smart in terms of academics.
Robby F-
ReplyDeleteWow! I understand what it feels like to be in the ‘loner’ category and I think you describe so beautifully. “It’s a primordial, desert place, a land unshaped by culture, untouched by the hands of man.” You are so right, loneliness is abyss. The way you write is so eloquent and it seriously captures the atmosphere people feel as a loner. So Robby, don’t worry, in time you will find your people. It happens to everyone once in a while especially if you’re looking for it. Also, I think there are tons of other people who “people watch”---me including. Many times I feel like I just watch---like it’s a television show. But recently, I’ve learn to take part in more and it relieves the feelings of loneliness. But sometimes, I don’t think being a people watcher is creeper-ish. After all, from the inside, people tend to narrow their views and act superficially.
Taylor Palm
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. If I didn’t have Amanda in front of me in Daily’s class I would die. Last year I took Calc (huge mistake) and I was in a class with a bunch of people I didn’t know. It was so boring. Thankfully I had Maegan Reese in my class, which livened Ms. Baird up a bit.
As for HSM2…I thought it was great! I saw it twice. You, Chrissy, and Alexis were hilarious!!!
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ReplyDeleteBelonging. A word that is very foreign to me yet always seems to linger in the back of my mind. Do I need to belong? No. Do I want to belong? Now that, I don’t know. Over the past 16 years, I have grown into a very unique person. There is no other person in this world who feels the way I feel or thinks the way I think. To say that similarities with someone brings me closer to “belonging” is just false. I have a few close friends that ‘know’ me, and I can be comfortable around them. I guess that’s where I feel I “belong” most. Its not that I need to belong with them, or anyone else, its that I just do. Then again, I don’t feel the need to have a slew of friends to belong somewhere. I belong wherever it is that I am and I determine where it is that I truly belong.
ReplyDeleteI do things within the school. I’m a member of Academic Team, FBLA, Band, and I plan on joining more, but these activities don’t define a clear belonging for me. The person that is in every club, every sport, is friends with every person, I don’t feel they necessarily belong. The things we do don’t define our belonging. We don’t belong because we choose to, we belong because of a certain inner feeling that captures us in that certain place. For me, I haven’t really found that certain place. I cant honestly say I belong in a certain place. I feel comfortable wherever it is I am. For example, I feel completely comfortable at band, I can even say I love it. I really enjoy band and the things I get to do because of it. However, I may not appear comfortable. I don’t really interact on a deeper level with any of the band kids and I can’t really say that they would feel comfortable with me. I’m kind of that guy that’s just always there, though no one really bothers to notice it. I belong at band; it’s where I love to be and what I love to do.
Belonging has no real effect on my self esteem or personal character. I don’t focus on belonging in any one place. I don’t feed off attention or popularity. I am who I am and fitting in or conforming to popular belief would destroy this sense of individualism. People that yearn to belong are, in my opinion, weak. Who needs to fit in with a certain crowd? Who needs to identify with a certain group? Trying to fit in is the biggest restriction on originality and originality is a truly remarkable characteristic. Sure, there’s secretly an inner desire to talk to a certain person or get to know that intriguing person, but that doesn’t dictate who I am or how I do things.
Do I truly belong somewhere? I don’t know. I could say that I belong wherever I want to be, but that’s just a cop out. I have recently began to feel very underappreciated and am just waiting for the day all of my hard work, school related and in general, will finally pay off. Maybe that day will never come. Sure, I’m undervalued, sure I’m overlooked. Does that have a harsh impact on the way I live my life? No. I live my life to my standards and an inner sense of belonging does not dictate the way I go about doing things.
Jourdan: I admire your desrie of "true" friends. I look around the halls and in my classes, and most of what I see is a plethera of "sort of" friends. Few people are true friends and few people care enough to become truly involved in another persons life. That is a sad thing and the world would be a better place if more people were close friends instead of just acquaintances.
ReplyDeleteChrissy: I sont really agree with the way you accept the influence of cliques and a sense of belonging. What about those that dont belong to the popular crowd? Are they just left to be the loners that suffer in their bedrooms? You dont need to belong to a clique or certain group to accomplish true happiness and this thought wont get you anywhere later on in life. Fitting in isnt everything, being yourself, independent of others, living up to yourself, is what, in the end, truly matters.
Lucas: I ahare your sense of "unbelonging". Its hard to fit in here at Oakcrest when there are but a handful of "groups" of people. What if someone doesnt fit into any of these? People need to learn to broaden their horizons and develop deeper friendships with people that share their interests. I am glad to have a few close friends that I can "do" things with. It really is hard to fit in and find people that really care, but when you do, its marvelous.
Part 1-
ReplyDeleteI started to write this entry a few days ago but I suppose a whole bunch has changed since. I thought I knew where I belonged but I guess not. Bricks are always thrown into the road but those bricks are needed.
Throughout the past years I’ve gained a better sense about the person I am. Innately the person I perceive myself to be merely consisting solely in my mind. I guess you all could make some type of an assumption about the person I am, and some could somewhat some up what has made me into that person. I want to belong I’ve always wanted to belong; I can’t remember a day where I haven’t felt that. Even when I’m with my friends I feel out of place, I envy the people around me always because of what smart, humorous people they are. It bothers me greatly, when I’m with a group of friends who are having the time of their life, I’m sitting there thinking about if they consider me a friend or if they want me to be there. I don’t expect people to jump out and pull me in to help me belong, but I’d like some type of assurance, ya’ know?
Now over the past few days, I’ve become totally of aware of the type of friends I want to have. I want friends that I can trust, friends who will be there for me even through the harshest of times. I have found a handful of two people who’ve actually acted like a true friend to me. I’m always there for everyone, even the people I could care less for. I would never want someone to feel as if they don’t belong as I do constantly. The main reason why I think this way is because I didn’t exactly have a nice childhood. I grew up in the ghetto where I was tantalized every single day because of my size and lack of beauty. It has hit me hard, I’ve moved on but it still comes back to me when I’m not treated nicely.
Part 2-
ReplyDeleteThis is how I see it, people always leave… Some do because they have to and they don’t exactly have an option. Others leave because they can’t stay and their contract with us expires. And a few of them don’t leave; they walk out, without goodbyes. I will not sit and yearn for those who have left me out of any reason at all. I will not commemorate their actions because I don’t appreciate what they have left me with. Memories are beautiful, but not as beautiful as they were when they were. It is people, who always leave. Some move on and forget to look back where they leave us standing. Some let us go in their past and head out to make their futures. Some choose others over us and decide that it is for the better that they did. Some do leave, but their leave is permanent, until we meet again, some place in another world. People always leave… And yet when they do, they don’t leave entirely… They leave the love and hate behind… They leave the memories behind… They leave the fragments which like a puzzle piece fit’s in most parts of our lives and situations. How long will it all last?
It could last me my life time. If there is one thing that will never leave me, is what those people have left in my possession. It is like they have carved their essence in my being, which burns sometimes and sometimes it makes me happy. It does not hurt to think that it will not last. It does not hurt to think that it will fade. It does not hurt because a possibility is someone will make us forget it. It does not hurt to wait for another lifetime to meet those people. What really hurts the most…Is to know that they love you as much as you love them. And though there is that love and belongingness, you don’t have a choice, you have to leave.
Over all , for me I don’t really want to feel as if I belong with a certain group of people, I want to be feel like I belong when I’m by myself. Therefore ultimately, I don’t feel like I belong.. I feel weird, ugly, misunderstood and out of place.
“Some people say that you don’t know what you have until you lose it, but it’s not like that. You always know what you have; you just never thought you would lose it.”
I don't understand this clique philosophy , shouldn't we want to hangout with all different types of people with similar and different qualities. It makes me gag that someone would think that being in a certain clique gives you a fulfillment of success.
ReplyDeleteCliques are equivalent to Kanye ... Yuck
Lucas -- During my early childhood I kind of felt the way you do now. I have ab out 5to6 friends who I only talked to in school. My best friend was my grandma and though I don't regret that , I kind of believe it has forced me to grow up a little to fast. But, I'm sure you'll find your place , their is no doubt about it. Their are many people out there that share similar taste's as you. Maybe you shouldn't go looking for it, let people come to you and let them in for once.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteKTG- "It doesn’t matter to me anymore if the people I meet need me or not. As long as they happy with me and true to me, I’m great."
ReplyDeleteYou have just explained exactly what I want. You're are such a crazy bitch and I love it. Your smile could fill up a million and 1 rooms. I'm happy that we're friends , I need you and I more then happy with you. I'm happy that you're not fake when It comes to emotion and dealing with people. I'm sorry the past has been ruff and "bbg's" like to make smart remarks to you, but we all think you're great. Your place has become more apparent to me over the past few years, the awkward girl in math class freshman year seems totally different, then the cutieb00tymama I know now.
I was never invited to those parties, I'm still not. But the ones I hold now wouldn't be a party without your spunky self.
Most of all , I'm really happy that you're 100 percent okay with how you feel about fitting in.
I love you?!
Shelly- We have the same thoughts about cliques and belonging. I think cliques are simply stupid and unnecessary. When I think of cliques, I get a notion in my head about groups of people that try to look the same by dressing alike, talking alike, and acting alike. You know how they do in movies? (I'm not saying movies depict cliques accurately) I mean, yeah, the people in the group have similar qualities and whatnot, but really, think about it, it's kind of more about how you look that determines whether or not you're really part of a clique.
ReplyDelete"Over all , for me I don’t really want to feel as if I belong with a certain group of people, I want to be feel like I belong when I’m by myself. Therefore ultimately, I don’t feel like I belong.. I feel weird, ugly, misunderstood and out of place."
You took the word right out of my head, haha. I completely agree with this!
But you should never ever feel ugly Shelly, you're so beautiful and smart! Seriously.
Chrissy- I love your " Never Been Kissed" reference that movie rocks!!! As your best friend and biggest fan I am soo happy that you found your place where you belonged. I really love how the drama kids really accepted you and were okay with your " drama queen" tendencies. I am glad that freshmen year replaced the loneliness that overtook your 6th grade year. I loved your blog and I love you and whenever you feel you dont belong just remember i am always there for you!!!
ReplyDeleteShelly: Your 2nd paragraph about how in the last couple of years you've discovered what kind of friends you wanted- well it made me think like we always had friends when we were little because nobody cares about things like popular kids. Now, since people changed, we have to think about what kind of friends we want and who we want to be friends with. It's so truee, but it's so stupid! I hate how people have changed and I wish everyone was like how they were in Hess! We were all friends and nice and just had fun with everyone. Stupid cliques....
ReplyDeletep.s. hope you're ok from after today in history :/
(I meant that how people have changed is stupid, not what you said was stupid. I think it kinda came out wrong?)
ReplyDeleteaw, Brynne. *hug*
ReplyDeleteIt doesn’t bother me to draw quietly in art class, not socializing with anyone. Somehow, not being invited to an upcoming shopping trip or girl’s night out doesn’t faze me. I’d rather sit alone doing homework than eat lunch in Oak’s bustling cafeteria. Essentially, I don’t feel like I need to belong… at Oakcrest anyway. I’m not the most outgoing person out there; I prefer to sit back and let the world rush past me. Because of my reserved personality, I focus more on getting my work done and surviving another school day than chatting with each and every person I sort-of know. I don’t keep to myself simply because I’m a bit of an introvert, however. Rather, I’m just not compelled to join in the antics of “normal” teenagers: texting isn’t high on my to-do list, I lack the time and desire at this point in my life to have a boyfriend, high school gossip about who wore what and did what with whom bores me, et cetera. Basically, I don’t fit the standard teenager mold, but I don’t want to either.
ReplyDeleteThis, nevertheless, does not mean I don’t feel a need to belong somewhere. In order to live happily and not become entirely overwhelmed by the trials and tribulations of daily life, I need a place or two to plant my feet. For me, these places are both in my home and in the horse world. My involvement in equestrian sports and my family life provide a comfortable haven for me—a passion to pursue with vigor and folks who truly love me and want me to succeed, respectively. My personal motto is “equito ergo sum” (I ride therefore I am), and I truly believe that being a horse lover/owner/rider has sharply defined my character. Furthermore, I’m super close to my family, especially my Mom, and without them I would be entirely lost in the maze of adolescent life. Because riding and my family are not only requisite components of my being but also keepers of my sanity, I do feel a need to fit in with the equestrian community and to be an active family member.
Obviously, I’m not part of the “in crowd”, but if I had to guess I would say that whether the most popular people out there feel as though they belong varies from individual to individual. On one hand, some probably thrive on the attention and feel as if they were meant to live in the limelight. After all, if someone cares to be a part of every possible activity, from sports to parties, they must truly feel wanted, right? Maybe. The other possibility is that some of the most social people get the feeling that they don’t belong at all, and thus they try harder and harder to fit in, joining multiple social groups and hoping to fit in somewhere. It’s easier to hide behind a façade of popularity than to be viewed as the odd one out who doesn’t fit in anywhere.
Personally, I feel like I belong just where I want to—within the equestrian community and in my family. Having a common passion and set of goals makes fitting in with other horsey-folks easy. This is a huge confidence booster—it’s great to confide in other riders. It’s a beautiful thing to share and hear what we equestrians love about our sport (“Horse poop actually kind of smells good, don’t you think?) as well as the harder aspects of life with horses and personal blunders (“Although I thought we had a good strong approach to the three foot square oxer in the in and out, Rusty got a chip in and we knocked a rail.”) without getting the funny looks that the “uninitiated” so often give. Similarly, I’m fortunate to have a family that I can be myself around. Dad doesn’t care if I’m not always perfect, Mom listens to my woes and accepts my quirky personality, and, in typical little-brother fashion, Tristan laughs at me no matter what—which is, ironically, comforting. Knowing that my family accepts me for me and is always there to catch me when I trip over my own two feet makes me feel like one of the luckiest girls in the world.
Robert- I really liked the language you used in your post, and the people watching bit made me smile (“My sister like to call this people watching’, sort of like bird watching I suppose, just without the binoculars and camouflage.”). More profoundly, I definitely emphasize with you. I, too, am more comfortable with natural things. Though I’m often at a loss to find something interesting to talk about, I could spend all day hiking at Batsto with the sunlight on my shoulders and birdsong in my ears... which brings me back to people watching. I love the concept—though admittedly somewhat creeper-ish, it’s an intriguing idea. Like you’ve probably realized, watching others’ happiness and social adeptness can be disheartening at times. But I like to think that perhaps the watcher is lucky to have the desire to sit back and watch the world go by rather than to always want to be in on the action.
ReplyDeleteJessie-
ReplyDeleteYou go girl! I can seriously imagine you, one day, as an extremely successful person in whatever you decide to do because of the fact you do not like drama into your life! It’s really admirable that you just aren’t interested in the high school drama that filled the walls of Oakcrest. That attitude is probably going to save you from a lot of stress and anger. While other people in our school are going to be stressing over prom and over teenage messes, you’re going to be ready way before any of us for AP tests, college, etc. It’s going to pay off in the long run! I really wish I could feel that way. For me, I WANT to believe the way you do, but I find I cannot at times.
Also, I literally burst of laughing when you said “Horse poop actually kind of smells good, don’t you think?” That just shows how much passion you have in what you do! I always knew you were involved with horses, but after reading your blog, I think I understand how much it means to you.
Jourdan: Ugh. You're involved in so many activities. From what I hear, you get home each night at about ten o' clock, if not later. I don't think I could do it. I'm usually up until about midnight doing my homework, and I cannot imagine what getting home that late would do to me. I always figured getting home at seven was bad, but I guess not. Anyway, you're lucky to have such a core group of friends (even if one had a really poorly shaped mohawk). And psych would be pretty boring without somebody with whom to make fun of the test subjects (did that sentence make sense?) And I've actually never heard anybody call me insightful before. That's a first.
ReplyDeleteYum Yum -- Thanks !
ReplyDeleteHannah-- I'm fine I went to the chiropractor so he relieved all of my stress :}
Shelly-
ReplyDeleteWhen you talked about people leaving, I inspired by your strength “I will not sit and yearn for those who have left me out of any reason at all.” That brought me a better way at looking at the world as an individual. Personally, I’ve had people who have come into my life for a short while and they tried to be a part of my life. But, for whatever reason, they usually quit trying in the end. The idea that “people always leave” always fueled my distrust of almost everyone. So I get what you’re saying when you say “people carve their essence into [your] being.” But you always have to move on with your life and as an individual, I do believe that there are people who you are so closed to that it seems as if they live connected to you. But your life is your life; it’s not theirs.
Anyway, Shelly you are one of the pretties girls there are! You with your explosive red hair and crazy personality! I wish I was more like you =)
Taylor- I was a bit surprised when you said that you can be really shy—you always seem so happy and bubbly! But your need for comfort makes sense, and it’s great that you found comfort in drama. I think one of the reasons that I don’t personally feel like I fit in at Oakcrest is that, beyond a few amazing classes (chem, lang…) I really don’t have a “home away from home” at Oak. But you do, and it sounds like your drama home is really helping to make the four otherwise endless years at Oak fly by.
ReplyDeleteShirley thank you, I think you're a wonderful person , you have a beautiful smile that does more then lightening up my day. You are intellectual and beautiful in all aspects. I love your funny little remarks on somebody's beard.... :}
ReplyDeleteTaylor -
ReplyDelete"There are just some groups of people where you walk into a room and you just know that somewhere in there is a missing puzzle piece where you happen to fit perfectly."
I completely understand what you mean about classes. There are just some classes where I have no one to talk to or just plain feel uncomfortable even trying. And I agree (hah not fully on the drama part, but I think that's because HSM2 was just a bad first play in general!) that people can find where they belong amongst people that are like them. Band is fully just like how drama is for you. I could name a thousand things that we do in band that seem completely preposterous to others, and that is slightly comforting and yet another hurdle, seeing as now I feel even more misunderstood around people such as jocks, choir kids, stuco kids. I don't know. There's just something about being in a family of arts that makes you belong, yet even more of an outcast.
Sarah -
"....I knew the second I was being used and immediately dissociated myself with the clique from then on."
Yes, hahaa that's pretty much what I get from everyone. Once I start becoming friends with someone I get the, "I thought you used to hate me!" thing. I don't know, maybe you're right. Maybe I do, without knowing, shut people out. Hah I wouldn't be surprised. And I read your post, and I think a part of it is applicable in my situation. Because I am "uptight, brash AP girl", I am often paranoid I am only used for things that I don't want to be used for. Many people only talk to me about homework, talk to me because they feel bad for me, or talk to me in the hallways because they don't have anyone else in the hallway to talk to and wouldn't dare be caught walking around without a buddy. It's childish of me to point fingers, but because of multiple situations of those just listed, I have come to naturally shut people out. I have come to only trust those people that I know won't just leave spontaneously when they're bored of me.
As you can tell, this subject touches several nerves. Gr.
Lucas -
"I don’t know what it is that I am looking for. A lot of what I do is to try to figure that out."
This statement was interesting to me. Despite the fact that in my blog I said my home was with band people, but then again, once I'm out of high school, the high school marching band home is virtually gone. And no, I will not become the next Tobias and stay at Oakcrest for 70 billion+ years in order to salvage what's left of my home. I think everyone will inevitably be repeatedly looking for that sense of "belonging" and sense of "home" because people and our lives are constantly changing. You, and a few others that I know of, don't have a home in high school. That's completely normal because soon enough someday I, as well as many others, will lose their high school homes and maybe that's when you'll find yours.
Deanna
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing to me how sure you are about Japan. You have never been there, yet you know it’s your home. I’ve known you since 8th grade and I have never heard you talk about anything with the confidence and joy that you talk about Japan. I’m happy for you. When you do finally get to Japan you better email me!
KTG: Honestly, I could never see you being the "ride" person. Since I've met you, you have seemed completely secure on who you are and you even embrace it. I love that about you. You really are a gorgeous girl, especially when your hairs out of your face :P ! The last sentence in your blog, "It doesn’t matter to me anymore if the people I meet need me or not. As long as they happy with me and true to me, I’m great." is exactly how people see you, not that what they think even matters. <3
ReplyDeleteHannah: At first your blog threw me off, and I disagreed 100% on what you were saying. I still don't believe in what you said about people playing sports and being involved because they're insecure, i feel like that could of been explained more then just because they want to belong. However, when I began to read the part where you felt you belonged in soccer I completely understood where you were coming from. It kind of cleared up what you were saying in the beginning, and it definitely did shed some light on what we're suppose to be writing about. I love how you called soccer a "super clique" because that's so true! I like how comfortable you are with yourself, stay that wayy girl!
Shelly: You are a fabulous writer. ;) Every word seemed to flow and it ended with with a bang when you said "yuck". I think we've seriously never had a conversation until this year, but I'm so glad we have. From what you've told me, I can tell you're going through a lot, it was even manifested through what you wrote in your blog. Just try to remember to have fun, because you're way to smart, stylish, and sassy to let insecurities get in your way.
Taylor - "There are just some groups of people where you walk into a room and you just know that somewhere in there is a missing puzzle piece where you happen to fit perfectly."
ReplyDeleteSuch a cute sentence! haha! Sadly, I've never really experienced this feeling. Usually I pass false judgments on people. I'm terrible at reading people and I kind of like it because then they surprise me. I don't really think there will ever be a place that people can fit in perfectly though..people have so many different personalities, interests, and feelings that they can't just stay in one spot with the same people forever. People constantly change and that causes them to want to change their surroundings... Or maybe that's just how I am. hahaha
Sarah C - "Why is it so hard for me to remember all of the friends I had in the Mullica days? Oh, that’s right. I only had one. I don’t want you to think I was and still am bitter about this fact. Actually, I believe the ten-year state of not feeling a connection to others other than my one friend, forced me to grow."
Okay. Why was Mullica so crappy?! haha. You've hit it spot on though. Having no real friends in Mullica made me grow too. It also made it hard to accept new friends also though. We were both picked on for different reasons and I think things like that can really take a toll on a person. They can be less trusting and alienate themselves in fear of getting hurt again. I'm glad we both gave people a second chance though because I can see that you're more happy than you've ever been right now! You're surrounded by tons of people who admire you and accept you. I don't care whatchu say, people love you! And the great thing is that they love you for who you are and that's that. (I am one of the people who love you too!)
Deanna - You're whole post was beautifully written. When you described the snake and compared it to yourself you made it seem so real..so human. And the way you described the rain was just epic. I love the rain so the intro was a really enjoyable read!
The nature of belonging is completely innate. Just as everyone else wrote, people at every age need to belong, and we need to have someway to define ourselves. Don’t let the thought of people saying they’re “undefined” fool you, they just defined themselves as being undefined! It’s a huge paradox. Anyway, Its funny, how people would kill just to be a celebrity. All the glitz and glamor. Yet the celebrities themselves seem to never fit in. Look at Michael Jackson. He was one of the biggest A-list celebrities, but he was an enormous outcast. Look at Miley Cyrus. Everything she does, is looked at in disgust. She can’t even be with her boyfriend without people saying something, which is why she ‘doesn’t belong,’ she’s an outcast just like every other celebrity.
ReplyDeleteBringing it closer to home, the way to belong in any group is to through conformity. Even in family, you are raised a certain way, therefore conforming you to comply to how your family acts. Its inevitable. Yet, there are those few “black sheep’s” that just don’t mix into the family. Inching towards my situation, I’ worried. I’m not the “black sheep” but there’s always a moment at every family party where I just sit there alone, watching everyone else. I think, why do I feel so left out? I could so easily just jump into the conversation.. But I don’t. I guess because I feel like I don’t belong. Everyone, is so focused on their own problems that I don’t see a reason to bring my up. I’m absolutely sure I’m not alone, but I’m also positive we do it to ourselves. We don’t belong sometimes because we don’t want to.
On the other hand, School at this point is serious to me, I’m too focused on where I want to go in life than where the hot party is. Not saying I don’t enjoy a nice shindig every now and then, but I definitely have my priorities straight. The only clique I belong to is the AP kids clique, which includes every single student taking AP. You guys know people call you the “smart kids,” and I can bet you love it! : ) However, other than that I don’t feel like I stick to one group. I talk to different kids in different classes, and I hang out with an almost weird variation of people on the weekends. Thinking over, what I’ve been writing I’m beginning to realize that a lot of us don’t belong, but we all the kids that don’t belong end up together one way or another, therefore making us belong. Just like the “reject table” (Sarah C. ahahaha <3 !) people come together for their similarities. The football players for football, the soccer players for soccer, the chess club for chess, and the people that don’t belong, because they don’t feel the need to end up coming together for that. By magnifying this even more, you could even see the different cliques among the teams. Varsity is going to have a different clique then JV, and among each of those teams there’s going to be even more cliques. Not having a particular clique has had me thinking quite a few times, but it has never hurt my self-esteem, or self image. I can say that even now, while I’m sick, sitting down at my computer in my pajamas eating cookie dough, that I’m happy where I belong, even if that’s no where. Because I know who I am, and I’m not alone.
Chrissy: I wonder if the filmmakers knew what it's like to be in the archetypical cliques. If they did, it would make the film a great insight into 'clique culture'. The closest I've come to a group like those was during my days of running track and doing gymnastics, I really don't know myself.
ReplyDeleteAt the black hole of individualism, known to most as Port School, I felt a heart wrenching need to belong. There was no one like me. There was no one close to me. There was no one who wanted me. There was no group I fit into, I was just there, existing. Just existing is perhaps one of the worst states of being. You look for satisfaction everywhere, just to feel something. The trouble is that when you're just existing that satisfaction is never found. You might think I'm shallow to rely on other people so much, but honestly we all do. We all need someone.
ReplyDeleteI tried to make friends at Port School, but for the most part no one wanted to reciprocate. I guess I just didn't fit in with the typical "Port kid" mold. I hated sports, I cared a lot about grades, and lets be honest, I was kinda flamboyant. As soon as the other kids heard my weird voice butt into their conversations their eyes began to roll and the group began to migrate away from where I stood. After a while I pretended to get used to it, but nobody every becomes comfortable with not fitting in, not belonging. It really hurt me. I understand if you don't like someone, but no one deserves to be treated like that. I never gave up on trying to get the kids at Port School to like me. I guess I should have. If you stop trying to make friends at least you won't be let down.
When I came to Oakcrest High School everything changed. There were so many people, it was almost impossible to not make friends. I met some of the nicest people in freshmen year biology and English! I finally felt like I belonged, or at least I thought I did. About half way through freshmen year I realized I wasn't who I wanted to be. Since I never really belonged at Port School I missed out on a lot of personal development, and I honestly had no idea who I was. I gossiped a lot and at times I could be kinda mean. This wasn't who I wanted to be at all! That was the kind of person I wasn't supposed to like. Thankfully I was able to changed myself between freshmen and sophomore year.
When I joined band at the end of my freshmen year it put a lot of things into perspective for me. It was one of the best things to have happened to me in high school. Band helped me develop into the person I really wanted to be. Now I really do feel like I belong. I have great friends who accept me for who I am, and I accept them. That's what feeling like you belong is about, the people you're with. The most popular people in high school, I don't believe, will feel like they belong unless they have real friends that love who they are. I am thoroughly happy at Oakcrest, despite what people say about it.
"Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong." Keane, "Crystal Ball"
Paola D
ReplyDeleteI really know how you feel when it comes to family gatherings! I always feel like if I contribute to a conversation my idea will be immediately shut down. We think that in order to belong we have to conform, but I don't think thats true. When you're with a group of friends you don't always agree with each other, but you work past that. It's what being friends is all about.
Lucas: you're a lot like me in some ways, which is part of why I think that you are hypercritical of yourself. When you are all you have to rely on, it is tempting and often seems to be best to strive for impossible perfection. It's a tough thing to be abandoned by your self, and it's something that we try to avoid. But truly, people like us are usually more appreciated than we seem. The good we do is usually invisible. Just know that, and relax a bit. Hey, it may be extremely hypocritical, but it's still good advice, I think.
ReplyDeleteShelly
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph in your second part really hit me. Its true. People come in and out of our lives, its just what happens, and it happens for a reason. It seems like you turn everything into a learning experience, which is great! I wish I could do that. I usually try to forget about my past as much as possible, but you try to see the silver lining. Anyway, you can always trust me Shelly.
Shelly: It does seem like people always leave. Sometimes, the person doesn't leave, but another one takes up residence in their body - they change, and become a different person. Sometimes it is just the way things work best for them that makes them leave, but more often than not it's what is convenient. I still remember my first friend telling me "I can't hang out with you anymore, you're not cool enough. Sorry." Of course I said "Okay" and he went on his merry way, probably without guilt, but I have hope that it doesn't always have to be that way. There are mature people out there who can make great, persistently present friends.
ReplyDeleteTay Palm!
ReplyDeleteI felt quite out of place in a lot of my classes last year. There was nobody that I was really friends with, and they didn't seem like they wanted to be friends with me. Its hard! I was able to make it through the year, but it wasn't fun. I need to have people that I can make comments to or joke around with to feel comfortable. Just like you, if I don't know a lot of the people that I'm around I can be really shy, and I hate it. I wish I could just talk to anyone, whenever, but thats just not how I am!
Oh and I'm so glad I moved to the seat behind you in Spanish. The class just isn't the same with out your back hand comments about the crazy things that go on ("depends on how much cream" hahaha).
Your's Truly
S-Wright
For me, the need to belong and the need to be accepted are totally different things. For example, I have always felt like I belonged. I have never felt like I wasn’t where I was supposed to be because I believe that I will always end up where I am supposed to end up. Being accepted though, is what I have yearned for. All through elementary school, I never felt accepted by peers. Even after I moved, I just didn’t feel as if the people around me accepted me as I was.
ReplyDeleteFreshmen year was the turning point for me though, I finally found a place where I belonged, AND where I felt totally accepted.
This place was The Oakcrest Ambassadors. No matter how I am feeling, no matter how much people piss me off, no matter if I’m sick, or hurt, or tired, I still get that same feeling of acceptance at band. It’s a hard feeling to explain unless you have experienced it. There is just closeness between my band family and myself that I wouldn’t give up for anything in the world. Even if I make the biggest fool out of myself, I feel accepted enough to know that I have no need to be embarrassed. When I’m upset about something, I know I can show up to band and there will be so many people there willing to listen to me complain.
The best example I can give to explain how comfortable I am around the band is that I could fart around them. You know when you are just at the beginning of a friendship with someone you don’t usually fart, but once you are really close you just let it out because you know they won’t care? Yeah, that’s the Band. I love them so much, and even though I bitch, moan, and complain about it sometimes, I could NEVER give it up.
I think that the most popular people you can imagine, the ones who are in every club, do every sport, go to every party share the need for acceptance that I did. For the athletes that seem to be involved in every sport in the school, may just really like sports. But I think for the most part, they crave the camaraderie and acceptance that comes with a sports team. The kids who seem to go to “every party”, though, search for a different acceptance. When I see kids who just party, party, party, I see people who are unsure of themselves, and feel the need to hide behind being a “party-girl”, or “party-boy” Again, these are not necessarily true of all people, they are just my observations.
Now back too the topic of belonging, I believe that we are wherever we belong. My idea of belonging sort of goes along with my idea of fate. I don’t think that people are condemned to doing what they do because they have a pre determined fate, but I think that wherever we are, is where we need to be. I belonged in my basement last night watching the Office. I belong here right now writing this blog. I belong wherever I end up tomorrow. My life is where I belong.
Sarah Chamberlain - I sooooo get what you dealt with. I honestly think its a girl thing, the whole "use you and dump you" deal. One day you think they like you, the next you feel like their victim. I applaud you on recognizing it so easily. Sometimes people get this denial where they refuse to believe the truth. I know I did.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the Sarah I see is a strong girl with her own mindset and that seems to draw people to you. I hope now that you're able to distinguish who is legitimately on your side and who isn't.
Alix L - I'm glad you belong at oakcrest! You made Algebra 2 the BEST last year! =] I can't say that I can completely agree with your theory of "we are where we belong", but I see the truth behind it. I just don't think it's always the case. Its so wonerful that you have that place where you feel you belong all the time. Im very very happy for you! =]
ReplyDeleteSomething I’ve always wondered is if I am in the right spot at the right time. At times everything will feel perfect and everything matches up and flows, but then I feel like I shouldn’t be here; that my personality and who I am shouldn’t be where I am. I do feel the need to belong, sometimes it just completes me – knowing that who I am is accepted and I’m not only pleasing myself. Feeling that you belong and feeling the need to belong is definitely different. The popular kids that try too hard just want the feeling of belonging, yet the kids that are quiet and self-conscious feel the need to belong. I’m confusing myself, but I feel the need to belong sometimes. The weirdest contradiction in my blog is that I always feel like I belong. I am always myself and I always feel accepted because I am always with my seven, my cheer team, my cousins – people that do accept me. Sure I get weird looks, I get laughed at and I get talked about, but I’m always comfortable in my skin.
ReplyDeleteTo clear my paper up in a few simple sentences, I say this: I feel the need to belong all the time. But I feel like I belong all the time. I will live my life always wanting someone by my side, someone watching me and accepting me through everything I do. I think that it is just my personality that causes me to feel that way, but I am that way. I’m trying to connect it to the lack of father and maybe that’s it, maybe the fact that I was never daddy’s little girl and I was never accepted that way makes me strive to be recognized in every other way possible.
I have lived in eight houses before finally settling down in this one, I always had to make new friends in the area (though Mays Landing every time) and I had to be someone that everyone liked and wanted to befriend. I had to belong; I needed to feel like I belonged.
I lost someone who was supposed to mean everything to me and frankly, he means nothing. I do not want to just mean nothing to someone – I need to be a special something in their life and I need to fit in.
I will soon be entering the real world on the other side of the country, doing what I want to do with all my heart. I will be alone. I willl be thousands of miles away from mommy, from my seven and everyone who has comforted me throughout my growing years. Then is when I will feel the need to belong the most. I want to succeed in fashion more than anything and I’m terribly afraid that when I do not feel that I belong, I will back out. Why have I become so dependent on such a silly need? Why do I need to belong when maybe I mean nothing to someone else? This is driving me crazy and I need more time to think. I need to belong somewhere.
Taylor Palm - Wow. You feeling out of place is such a strange idea for me to grasp. You always seem so comfortable and uncaring (in a good way) in every situation I've seen you in.You speak your mind and are DEFFINATELY unique and it doesn't seem like you have any doubts about sharing EVER. Maybe the acting helps with that too? haha. Regardless, don't let people intimidate you that much. They got nothin on you girl!
ReplyDeleteShelly - So the beginning of your second part almost made me cry. As this blog as opened up to a lot of people, I've been left by so many people, as I imagine you have been. Looking at it like that changes my perspective on it and makes me feel silly for being so stuck on the fact they left. I mean what happens, happens for a reason right? You're so right in that section and I love you for opening my eyes like that.
ReplyDeleteHannah - Remember before high school when everyone needed to belong, and it was you, Kelsey and me? I was just thinking of how safe I felt with you guys, and now I'm hating high school for seperating us. I agree that when everyone reaches high school they all find a little nook they fit in with a select few and they all belong.. But I miss how it felt when I felt like I belonged in middle school. Ah, I'll miss it <3.
Deanna - Though I could write nothing like that, how you feel towards Japan is how I feel with California! When I ignore the fear of leaving New Jersey, I overwhelm myself with how amazing I think I'm going to feel over there. I love how you write, honestly, I get little butterflies because it's like you're in my head. Before I bore you with my dreams, I want you to know that you have to follow your dreams and go there, do not let anything stop you - ever!
Alix L
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you on band. I said this in my blog response but band really helped me become who I am. The people are so accepting and even though we fight and such, for the most part we're a big family!
I’ve been trying my hardest to write this blog entry in a way so that people understand me. I typed, deleted, re-typed, and deleted everything again since Sunday evening. After talking about it to a few people, I feel like I can properly get my thoughts out without sounding condescending or confusing. Hopefully, it’ll make sense to who reads it..
ReplyDeleteFor me, the idea of belong doesn’t just include the need or feeling to belong. For me, this idea stretches to include the want to belong as well, or rather, the lack of that want. Growing up, I had always felt like I belonged. My family, both in America and Africa, was very close knit and understanding. I was never afraid to be myself around them, even if that included ‘being weird’. My friends were just as close to me, if not closer than my family. I was never in fear of them leaving me or betraying me in any way. I credit that to the fact that I’m very good at judging character. I always had a knack for finding the people who would understand me, regardless of cultural, social, or economical differences.
As I got older, this feeling of belonging in my present settings grew. I was completely satisfied with myself and my peers. I felt accepted, confident and overjoyed with the direction my life was heading. I realized that I had never had the overwhelming need to belong anywhere. I belonged where I was at that moment. If I was in a deli picking out some cheese that I wanted on my sandwhich, I belonged there. If I was in an alleyway being mugged by 3 random bums, I belonged there. Granted, I probably woudn’t want to belong there, but I still feel like I was there for a reason. My thinking about that is almost identically the same to Alix L’s [shout out to her! :D]. I don’t think that we are put somewhere by some pre-determined idea, I believe that you are there because you need to be.
One thing I have noticed about myself, which could be taken both positively and negatively, is my attitude and not wanting to belong in certain social or high school stereotypes. I’ve never really wanted to belong in a group with a bunch of ‘popular’ people. However, if I did find myself being friends with someone associated with that label, or even had that label placed upon myself I never thought that big about it. I just don’t want a big deal to be made out of all that hoopla. Personally, I find all that popular stuff to be crap. So what if I talked to the boy with the cutest smile or the girl with the nicest hair? They were still a kid going through high school just like the rest of us. They have the same problems, the same insecurities, and probably even the same thoughts. I’ll bet you a quarter and 3 nickels, that half of them are also wondering to themselves if they belong where they are or not. Just because they get invited to every party on this side of the world, doesn’t mean that they always feel comfortable and appreciated there.
Either way, the topic of belong and with who varies with each and every person. Not eveny one if going to feel like they belong in certain situations. Whether they can overcome that or not is something they will have to find out. All I know is that I know where I belong. And I belong to me.
Dear Alix,
ReplyDeleteI can completely understand what you mean about being accepted in band. When i first joined, I was actually surprised at how comfortable everyone was with each other. Either way, I'm really glad that you found someplace that your so comfortable and free-spirited in. So comfortable, that your bodily functions have been expressed to everyone in the organization..
-_- yeah... Haha. :p
Loooovvee,
Gwen :]
Gwen: I totally get what you're saying. From what I've seen recently, almost everybody has insecurities. They may not show all the time, but most people do, and everyone feels left out at some point. It's commendable that you've been able to just stay yourself regardless of what happens.
ReplyDeletePaola- It was so hard to get my point across you know because I'm like involved in a lot and I'm not trying to defend the popular kids or say I am one, but ah I don't know it was so hard to explain. But yea I hope that my example cleared it up!!
ReplyDeleteand Krispie- I miss you two so much, and yea screw high school for splitting us up! What the heck is up with that.. well next year let's take all the same classes and be together again!
I am not truly sure where I belong; to be honest I’m not sure if I belong anywhere. It seems as though every time I finally find my comfort-zone and people I can trust and call true friends, fate finds a way to drags them away, like a massive juggernaut. I feel religion is the only thing that keeps me striving for what I want out of life. In the church, I feel I have a “part”, because I am the church so sequentially I will have a part in it, but aside from that, I am not sure what I really feel. I constantly am trying to fit in, though I have a hand full of friends, I feel not many people truly know the real me so how can I say I fit in? Not all of the people that I associate myself with know the confused, emotional, mistake making, sometimes insecure me. The young innocent girl Sandy, fears being hurt or betrayed by people, which may be a hindrance to my relationships with people. In addition that may be why I feel I don’t fit in, when I am in a sea of people that call their selves my friends and I still get a feeling of loneliness. Now BY NO MEANS am I a fake person, but I do hide a lot of my feelings from people. Like I said earlier every time I let someone into my heart as a friend or relationship, I always end up switching schools or not being able to do the things I use to with take interests in doing with these people.
ReplyDeleteWhen I do feel like I belong it is the best feeling in the world, and it makes your self esteem so much higher. I can truly say I am happy that I have good friends, who I don’t need to fit in with, because all of the time that I have spent trying to fit in, has only left me hurt and feeling a sense of loneliness. I don’t feel that I belong somewhere else, I feel fate has sent me through the trails that I have experienced to show me not to rely on others and to rely on my God. Furthermore I feel I am lacking self forgiveness and that I have to let a lot of the hurt and pain go in order to grow stronger with in my own self. I feel sometimes I am in fact undervalued, but this just helps me to be stronger and prove to others and myself that I am better than what they portray me to be, and I will continue being me.
The need to fit in is all mental, which means everyone has to go through it. You ask if I feel the “popular” kids feel that they fit in, I feel that deep down inside people feel that if they do fit in they have a certain standard to uphold and obtain. I believe everyone lacks something in confidence, but it wouldn’t be mankind if no one wanted to feel wanted and accepted and a sense of a place of belonging. I know and admit that I am not perfect, but I am definitely working on self improvement and striving to achieve great things and gain self confidence, so that the need to fit in is not always on the front of my mind.
"I believe everyone lacks something in confidence, but it wouldn’t be mankind if no one wanted to feel wanted and accepted and a sense of a place of belonging."
ReplyDeleteThis made a lot of sense to me. Even the most popular kids in school have insecurities. Oftentimes, people's outlandish behavior is a result of their inner doubts and insecurities. It's a universal theme, and everyone has to deal with it.
Oh. Just to clear something up, it's not like I have no friends. For some reason, whenever I write these posts, it always comes out sounding like my life sucks. Honestly, it doesn't. What I meant was, I don't really feel any particular place is "home". I can be myself around some people, and I enjoy the presence of many more. I just haven't really found that perfect place yet.
ReplyDeleteStephen W. - I loved your opening paragraph! It was the exact point I was trying to make in my blog! Whether we deny it or not, we all need people to satisfy ourselves. Just existing and moving day to day without people to comfort is just inhuman. I loved your reference to Keane's song "Crystal Ball", because it is definitely a metaphor for society. So many people deny it, but I feel that we all have the tendency to have that urge to belong. By the way, your voice isn't weird, and I'm glad you found where you belong! Band is your savior, and drama is mine!
ReplyDeleteJourdan- I really enjoyed reading your blog, and I am truly sorry about hearing about your overly-hectic (non) social life. Yes, I believe we all need at least a couple group of friends to achieve the sense of belonging, for the satisfaction of being with the people you love is indescribable. I've always known that you were an overly-active and involved student, running from class officer meetings to far away soccer games. I believe your true friends will understand the several conflicts involved in your everyday life, and that although you don't get invited to every "beach party", just know you are doing what you love to sacrifice a day of getting sunburnt. (i don't know if you get sunburnt, i do!) Anyways, I know the feeling of having a long-distance friendship, and I know from experience that is extremely difficult. Kudos for sticking with this, and being great friends to them! I'm sure that they need you in their lives in order to "belong".
ReplyDelete***And to Justin H. and Robby and any other person regarding to my blog...
ReplyDeleteWhen I talk about clique, I am really not talking about the stereotypical "popular", "punks", "goths". I just meant a group of people. Sorry for using the word clique, I guess i regret it. To tell you the truth, I see the term "clique" in a different light.
I absolutely love the movie "Means Girls", but I can't say that i believe in the stereotypical cliques that they portray. Because I don't believe in them. It IS possible for everyone to intertwine. When I walk through the Oakcrest halls, I can identify a group of friends, but I know that they aren't limited to just those friends. The definition of clique is a group of people who share interests, purposes, patterns of behavior, etc. So really, the field hockey team is a clique, drama club is a clique, band is a clique, AP kids are all a clique. The cliche version of the word "chique" is characterized by "The Clique" books, which sterotypes cliques as snobby, rich girls who gossip way too much for their own good. Or, "Mean Girls", which gives the clique a persona of a bitchy, judgmental, burn book-making posse. So, the basic point I was trying to say is that I feel like I belong when I am with the people i share interests in, which include my Drama family, my AP family, and my 2011 family. Make any sense?
And Robby, "Never Been Kissed", as I said, is one of those cliche high school movies, so not everything is accurate to the tip.
I don’t really NEED to belong. Maybe that’s why I don’t belong to any particular group at oakcrest. To belong to a group one needs to feel a need to belong, because if one doesn’t then one won’t try hard enough to belong. Of course, that entirely defeats the purpose of belonging. One shouldn’t have to try hard to belong, it should just happen (sorry if that’s very confusing. I had to re-read it a few times myself).
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to friends, I have a lot of different personalities and people in my life. From the AP kids to the CP kids to the band kids to the dancers to the Port kids, it’s a huge variety. That last group is kind of complicated, so I’ll get to that in a minute. Most of the people I’ve met at Oakcrest aren’t very good friends of mine. They are parts of groups that I couldn’t ever belong to, but I don’t mind. Belonging to a place doesn’t mean just being accepting, it’s accepting everyone else too. I may never have sleepovers and go to parties with these friends, but they make coming here at SEVEN IN THE MORNING worth the sleep deprivation.
Port Republic is my hometown. I love it here. I know everyone, they know me. We tend to branch out to other groups, considering how few of us there are, but in the end it always comes back to “The Group”. “The Group” has been together since 7th grade, and our bonds with each other are so unique, I really can’t explain it. It’s like having a lot of annoying siblings, but mess with one of us and you’ll have to deal with the rest. I suppose its selfish to say, but I really enjoy the lack of out of town kids. When people say, “Oh my God you’re a Port Republican!” I don’t duck my head or deny it. I laugh and nod and continue with my day knowing that that is one more person who, regardless of how many more friends or talents they have than me, won’t ever know this feeling. And boy does it feel good!
I feel like the world tells us we have to belong, which is why these “cliques” even exist! When has the loner ever been portrayed as successful or happy? Never. Due to this people try to be the person they think is popular. That’s called being fake, and no one likes a faker. If everyone stopped trying so hard and just, relaxed, then maybe we’d all find where we belong. It works in Port; it can work other places too. I’ll be honest, I’m a hick. When I’m at home I wear my mud caked boots and my dirty old jeans with my hair a mess and my face, arms, and hands covered in dirt. I love being that person. I think if everyone found their own selves, they wouldn’t really WANT to be anyone else and then they could find where they truly belong.
I believe at this age in any developing teens life the yearn for belonging is incredible. At the start of high school a lot of young people try to reinvent themselves as to what they consider the popular characteristics, new clothes, new personality, and so on. In reality the people in our school who we consider popular are the least popular in my opinion. These students climb the social ladder with good looks, clothes, and an attitude towards school that is less than appealing. In my mind the popular kids are the ones who develop close-knit relationships with the people around them. Being popular in my mind is knowing everyone, not everyone knowing who you are. I’d rather be the nerdy kid on the chess team with the good grades, then the star football player who’s barely passing his classes any day. What I’m really trying to get at here is the fact that its better to have one good friend who I can be myself around, then knowing 1000 people that I have to put some front on about how cool I am. As for me, yes I do feel as if I belong. At this stage in my life I feel comfortable with the people I’m friends with. I have a great support system both in school and out. Not saying that I haven’t felt the feeling of not belonging though, throughout my life I’ve been presented with situations where I knew nobody and I was at the bottom of the pyramid. What I have learned from this is that if you remain true to yourself and don’t try to change who you are, the type of people that you want to associate with will find you. Don’t alter you’re personality just because you think it’s the cool way to go, if you’re going to alter it do it for yourself and nobody else. The main reason anyone should change is not to fit in but because they want to change because they don’t like who they are becoming.
ReplyDeleteAl -- I'm happy that you have found your comfort zone in life. You're are such a fun crazy person, I love every single side you have. You've been nothing but understanding and nice, even when you sit there and call me COUGAR which i'm not... my mom is calling me that too but anyway. I look up to you, I aspire to be many of the things you are. Hopefully I will be half of the person and have half of the heart you have. You're Beautiful al, I hate when you get upset about that stuff, because I just want to poop on you and tell you I love you and you're more than beautiful!!
ReplyDeleteBelonging is a tricky feeling. Some people feel as though they belong wherever they are either because they make friends easily or are content with being alone. Acceptance and belonging go hand in hand because in order for a person to belong, the groups to which they belong must first accept that person. This brings me to my first point: popularity wouldn’t exist if people were confident in themselves and didn’t idolize material possessions. I do not think that the most “popular” people feel as though they belong because their posse would not want to be friends with them because they enjoy spending time together. The posse follows the “popular one” because they are in it for the fame. Posses want to feel like they belong, too. Therefore, popularity doesn’t matter; it only gives the popular person fake friends.
ReplyDeleteMy personal experience with belonging, however, is different. I feel like I belong in certain groups of people, but not at all in others. When I’m with my family, I feel like I belong the most. I am very close with both my mom and dad, and my cousins are my closest confidants. We are together every weekend and divulge everything in each other. My cousin Danielle and I have been best friends practically since we were born. My mom was a stay-at-home mom when I was younger since her biggest job was taking care of my three sisters and I. Since my mom stayed home, she also watched Danielle. Since I can remember, Danielle and I have played dress up together, shared secrets together, and watched movies together. When I’m with her, everything makes sense. We know everything about each other, sometimes even better than we know ourselves. Looking back, I do not think I would be the person I am today if Danielle weren’t in my life. When I’m with her, I feel like I belong.
However, when I’m with my friends from school I feel like an outsider. I never know what everyone is talking about, which party they went to last weekend, or the juicy gossip. Maybe it’s because I despise high school bullshit, or hate getting involved in pointless “drama.” Honestly, five years from now, whatever stressed you out will mean absolutely nothing. You probably won’t even remember anyone from high schools name, or have contact with him or her whatsoever. It could be a good thing not to get involved, but I also feel like I’m missing out on the “high school experience.” Please don’t take this the wrong way! I don’t think I’m above anyone else in any way, shape, or form. I just wish I had stronger relationships with the people I’m around all day long.
After really thinking about this “belonging” thing, I think I don’t fit well with everyone because people don’t take me seriously. Even though I may say something foolish without thinking it through, take more time fixing my hair than doing my Calculus homework, or put more energy into choosing an outfit to wear than studying for a History test, everyone is unique and has different priorities. This year, I’m going to try to put myself out there more and build a sense of belonging within my circle of friends.
Do I feel the need to belong? Definitely. It’s pretty pathetic how much I want to feel like I belong. I hate being placed into situations where I don’t know anyone and feel like the odd man out. I close up and don’t even allow myself a chance to interact with people or give myself the opportunity to be a part of the group. I always wished I had the special skill of being extremely outgoing, where I could just blend into any group of people effortlessly. However, I’m the opposite. I close myself off completely and wait to hopefully be approached. Because of this need of belonging, I let many opportunities pass by. I’ve been given many opportunities to go to high level swim meets, on exciting trips, or to different social events. However, because I feel like I won’t fit in since I’m not good friends with any of the people attending, I chose not to go.
ReplyDeleteAlways needing someone by my side that I’m familiar with is a problem that I’ve struggled with since I was a child, but I’ve been trying to overcome it. Recently I joined a new swim team. The coaching and practice intensity are reasons for my switch, but another major one is because all of my friends from my previous team graduated. I no longer felt like I belonged on the team. I didn’t want to try to join in with one of the other cliques. I didn’t feel like I belonged with them nor did I think that they’d accept me, so I switched. On this new team, there are a few people who I know so I’m not completely by myself. Although practices are a little weird or awkward at times, I’m beginning to socialize with people who I don’t know and they’re not approaching me, I’m approaching them. This is a big step for me to take considering the extremely shy person I am around people I don’t know. By getting to know these kids on my new team, I’m starting to somewhat feel like I belong. I love this feeling.
Feeling like I belong definitely helps my self esteem. It allows me to be myself. It’s hard to think of situations where I’m ever completely comfortable and feel like I completely belong, except when I’m in my house, sitting on my couch with my family. I always have a bit of discomfort in all other situations. There’s always that minuscule sense inside me that doesn’t allow me to just be me, so when I actually feel like I completely belong, that’s when you’ll get to see the real me and not the confident front I try to put on. This confident front may give people the wrong impression. I’m often told by people that I look “unapproachable” in the hallways. I don’t mean to do this. In fact, I love meeting new people. The more people I’m surrounded by that are familiar to me make me feel more comfortable and give me a greater sense of belonging.
This brings me to all those “popular” kids. Some of these so called popular kids may completely feel like they belong. By being surrounded by so many familiar faces, they probably feel like they’re exactly where they’re supposed to be. However, maybe they are also putting a front on. Maybe they’re trying to seem confident when in reality they have the same type of discomfort as I do. I could never tell you for sure, but maybe they’re just trying to find their place, trying to find where they truly belong, just like me.
Taylor: I completely agree. In class, if I don’t know anyone, I won’t attempt to converse with them. I sit in the corner, shy and lonely and hope some nice person with approach me and start a conversation. I hate being in situations where I don’t know anyone and completely understand how you feel in those circumstances.
ReplyDeleteSarah C: I always thought that I had to become friends with as many people as I could. I thought that the more friends I had, the happier I would be. However in the past couple of years, I realized that a lot of friends doesn’t compare to a few best friends. When you have a few best friends, you know that you always have someone to rely on when with acquaintances, that isn’t so. Also, after high school, all those somewhat good friends will most likely disappear. When you have a few best friends, you can trust that they’ll be there, forever.
Chrissy: I know how you feel, having that one true friend that has helped you all along, through everything. My best friends are the ones I’ve had since I was back in Hess. These are the people that I think and hope that I’ll always be close to. We’ve been through so much together that I couldn’t imagine living my life without them. It’s good to have other friends but the fact that you’ve always had someone by your side is awesome. I’m sure your neighbors are some pretty cool people too though so don’t ever worry about not having someone to be there for you.
Steve-
ReplyDeleteI can completely feel where you are coming from, going to a small school like port must not have been very enjoyable when you have no one to relate to. After reading so many blogs I now know that kids don’t join band to play music, so much as they join for the social experience. It seems to me that band not an activity or a (sport) for some it’s a family, a close knit bunch of friends who accept each person for who they are.
Gwen- Right on girl that is the type of attitude that I wish that I could uphold. You always truely have a possitive attitude and a smile on your face. I like the fact that you are "weird", because it makes me happy and makes me see that sometimes I need to lighten up a little bit. Every thing you said about fitting in I feel is true in so many ways. Your awesome!
ReplyDeleteAs I first thought about this question, I thought I did not need to belong, but as I began to explain why, I realized I needed it. I need it a lot.
ReplyDeleteAfter a long day, I need to come home to a place where I belong, a place where I can really be myself and feel comfortable. To belong anywhere is just a luxury, that adds more comfort to life. It is a luxury because I only need one place where I belong. One place where I can release my mind, body, and soul. If other people can live without belonging to multiple groups of people or to multiple places, then I can too.
Luckily, I have this luxury of belonging to a groups of people, even if it is a minuscule amount. I belong to the "AP kids" group and on the basketball court.
Throughout most of my educational career, I have been in the advanced classes, and therefore have grown up with the AP kids. As a result, I am totally comfortable around them and therefore belong in their group.
I love basketball. When I am angry, I play basketball. When I am happy, I play basketball. When I am bored, I play basketball. Although I haven't had much time to play recently, I still belong on the basketball court for I feel absolutely comfortable when playing. Once I begin playing the game, people with who I am uncomfortable with become my friends on the court. We work as a team to achieve victory, ignoring our individual differences and our lives outside of basketball. However, once the game finishes, so does our friendship.
I have gallons upon gallons of self-esteem. My self-esteem is mostly attributed to my acceptance of who I am, but my belonging does play a major role. If I did not belong to any group, I would not have many friends. Without many friends, I would not feel "cool," likable, or important. Without these feelings, there would be a hole in my heart pouring out my precious self-esteem. I would be weak physically, emotionally, and mentally.
What stops me from belonging to more groups is the comfort level. I feel uncomfortable with certain groups because I do not talk to the people within them; I do not talk to the people within them because I feel uncomfortable with their group. It is a simple cycle that continues year after year, day after day, class after class. This is my fault, and my fault alone for I cannot blame people for not approaching me if I do not approach them. This is the scenario I have with my Statistics class. I talk to no one, and no one talks to me. Do not begin to pity me though. I am perfectly fine. One class cannot puncture my storage of self-esteem. As far as I know, no one plans on killing me, and that is all that matters.
Popular people who party every week and participate in every possible activity also possess a belonging problem. No one belongs to every group, not even the popular people. However, this is not a problem for popular people for they belong to enough groups to maintain their self-esteem. Like me, popular people will not lose their self-esteem just because of they feel uncomfortable in one class. These people are popular because they are comfortable with a wide range of people. This an asset I want, but do not need.
Part 1:
ReplyDeleteIn my perspective, the word belonging refers to the right place, with the right family, with the right siblings, right friends, right profession, basically everything in life fits in place and there is nothing you would exchange.
Whether we realize it or not, we all belong somewhere or we are in the process of belonging. It’s our destiny; We were all born for a reason and that is to take part in this running world, the reality.
Many people go to school, an institution of socializing and learning, and taste the reality. We all grow and develop mentally because of this. We experiment the offerings to see where we do belong, not only just school but the community as well. Those who do either CRAVE to belong in a certain area. Or maybe they are truly experimenting to decide whether they should leave or stay in that area. Others don’t attempt because they always put themselves down.
When I was in elementary school, my favorite part of the day was recess. I had tons of friends for a shy quiet girl. When it came to recess, I was very outgoing, shooting hoops everyday. I was pretty darn good, even my teachers mentioned it and I never played for a team. Everyday during recess, I was to go straight to the basketball court and play with my friends. I gained great skills in shooting, dribbling and running as well. Now that I reminisce about it, I miss those memories! Nobody was ever worried if they belonged, let alone questioned it. Everybody was friends. I look back at it and felt like I did belong…. at the time.
Then I got to middle school, a phase of awkwardness. My close friends were in different classes and I was with people I never saw in my life. There was no recess, so there was no place for me to catch up with my departed friends and anyways, I was never the one to make time for them. I was still that same quiet girl, but in 7th grade I held myself from socializing or growing in any way. 8th grade came around and I finally encounter my friend from elementary school and it was also the year that I joined cross country, since I didn’t make the basketball team but I made friends.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteDuring high school, I actually did participate in sports, winter and spring track and field. However, I never bothered to be part of a clique. I just tried to get back to be the same athletic person I was in elementary school, like I did in middle school. I would force myself to get better, that this is the sport that I belong to. Eventually I did get better, but I wasn’t the best, I mean I was only a freshman. So the season would pass and I’d take a long long break from running. As you would guess, I got worse in time for spring track. I got sick of the routine of getting better then doing poorly. So I called it quits. I did not do any sports or clubs at all my sophomore year, I was still struggling with myself; figuring out what I was good at, so I can be a part of something, solely for the purpose to have something on my transcripts.
As you see, my personality distinguishes me entirely from other people. Don’t get me wrong, we all have times where we want to be in some sort of a crowd and I’ve been through that too. However I’ve never made it an aspect to achieve or in this case ‘to belong‘. I’m the positive type, that avoids thinking too much about life and just rolls with it, even if I was isolated from people or not. I’m happy with where I’m at and how I’m doing. I have changed, I have progressed (and still am progressing as a person… meaning I‘m not so boring as I was before, especially last year) and even though I’m still struggling to find myself in high school, I’m happy with where I’m at. I belong right here in my new house at Cedar Point. I belong to go to school at Oakcrest. I belong to be in a family of 5. I belong in two worlds, one of Indian culture and the other of the American culture. My place is right where I’m sitting in my room, thinking and thinking of what to write for this ponderous, not to mention time- consuming- to -write, blogs. Everything fits in place, this year it feels like it does; today feels like it does. Tomorrow’s a new day, who knows what destiny has in store for me and where I’ll belong in the future?
( I hope i made sense. It was hard for me to explain what I meant in the very beginning.)
Just like everyone else, I’ve had my fair share of fake friends. We all have, no doubt about it. When I first moved to Mays Landing in third grade, I was “best friends” with someone for a year until they told me that they never really liked me. For the next few years, I hung out with people that were nice, and fun, but it seemed like they didn’t really want me around. Next came high school, and I met the greatest people ever.
ReplyDeleteFreshmen year, I became best friends with all the Mullicans in my classes- well there was only three of them, but we were all close. I felt like I belonged with them; they seemed different than the kids I had grown up with. As the years went by, we all got closer. I’m still friends with most of them, and that’s all I need. I love meeting new people, don’t get me wrong, but when it comes to my close friends now, I’m good. They are the friends that are true to me and that really mean the most.
I’m not saying when or who, but two of my very best friends, the ones I was absolutely close with, turned out to be different than I had expected. Everyone changes, but when someone points out what they don’t like about the “new” you, well, it hurts. A LOT. I don’t know if she understands how that felt, but I hope she does. I don’t really talk to her as much anymore, and at first it really bothered me. But I have moved on; I don’t feel as if she needs me anymore and honestly, as much as I loved her, I am fine without her as one of my best friends.
The other best friend meant so much to me. We both liked each other for a very long time, and we made all these promises. They weren’t ridiculous promises, in fact they were very easy to keep. Within a two week period over the summer he changed completely. He broke every promise. It honestly feels as if he doesn’t give a shit about me anymore- and if this is true then I don’t give a damn either. Once again, people change. And unfortunately it isn’t always for the better.
They were my two closest friends, ever. I’ve moved on and I’m pretty sure they have too. I’m not mad about it and I’m not sad. The friendships were great while they lasted, but everything must come to an end eventually. When it comes to needing , I don’t need anyone else. Honestly, I’m as happy as can be right now and I feel like nothing can go wrong.
When it comes to feeling needed, however, I think that only really matters to me in a relationship. If I’m with a boy and don’t feel at least somewhat needed, something isn’t right. But then again, needy people suck. If I’m with someone that “neeeeeeds” me to help them with something that they can easily do themselves, it straight up annoys me! We all have that friend that says “heyyyy, get me this” or “oh my goddddddd you should do this for me.” If I’m friends with someone like that, I need to say something to them! I may be a people pleaser but I’m not a push over, so don’t expect to just get whatever you “need” from me.
I don’t need to belong any more or less than I already do. I fit in with my friends, and like I said, that’s all I need. I’m not worried about how others feel about me, because their opinions don’t really matter. I’m going to do a lot of clubs and activities this year because I want to get involved, and do some fun things, but not for any other reason. I’m me and I’m not changing anything about myself to “fit in” or “feel needed.”
Sandy: I love how you worded and wrote your entire blog, and it all seems so true! When you wrote “The need to fit in is all mental, which means everyone has to go through it.” I think you are totally right. Every one at one point feels they need to belong or feel needed, even if it doesn’t last forever. In my earlier years of school I felt that way. Obviously now I don’t, but the truth is that everyone really does at some point in their life. I never knew you felt that way (is it just me, or is this like the most popular thing to say on a blog? =] ), but I’m glad that you opened up about it. Everyone knows you aren’t fake! =]<3
ReplyDeleteAlixx: I love they way you look at things. You have a positive attitude in your blog that I think that’s pretty chill, considering the topic. Like Alex V said, I don’t agree with the “you are where you belong”. I think that if we really want to belong somewhere we should take it upon ourselves to get there. While you may feel like you belonged in your basement last night watching the Office (and I totally disagree there; you may have belonged in your basement, but you should NOT have wasted your time on such a lame show), others may feel like they belong more metaphorically than physics. And, by the way, you only belonged at the computer to do the blog because it is homework =].
Stephen W: I love how you put the song lyrics at the end! =] I’ve read your blogs before and I understand how you felt in Port School. I can relate because in elementary school I had a similar experience. But I’m really glad things changed for you! A lot of people say that high school made it better for them, and I think that it is really true. High school is a whole new experience, and the only way that it realllly prepares us for the real world is by putting us into more social situations. And I’m happy to see that positivism that comes as a result of it!
When I first moved here to New Jersey from New York, although I was only four years old, all I wanted to do was go back home where I belonged. Every weekend for a while, we went back up to the family and stayed there. After a while, however, it was becoming too expensive to travel two and a half hours there and back every weekend. I would soon get over it though. Young children adapt easily.
ReplyDeleteMy first day of pre- K I met a girl who became my best friend. We have been best friends for twelve years, and we still are. I felt immediately as if I belonged since I began the year making new friends. I forgot all about missing New York, and life was great.
Now when I look at myself and everyone around me, I feel as if I fit in well. I suppose my outgoing personality enables me to get along with pretty much everyone. There are always going to be the people that don't like me and I understand that completely, but I don't have any desire at all to change that person's mind unless I feel they have the wrong impression of me. I feel the need to belong when it comes to clothing trends and doing what it normal, but I don't feel as if I'm being untrue to myself in any way.
When it comes to groups of people, I have my friends and I know who they are. I sometimes feel as if I'm out of the loop since I take no part in drama, but I ignore it and get over it because it really is pointless anyway. Even if I don't belong in a certain discussion, I still belong with those people. For the groups that I don't associate with, I don't feel the need to belong at all. I know that I feel loved and needed in my group of friends and in my family, and so that's all I could ask for. I don't care about being the most popular girl in school, but instead, the happiest person I can be.
Jon W.- Jon you bring up a lot of good points about how you are comfertale in your own likes. Another point that you brought up was how "popular" kids are often times the kids who are known for taking risks and not necessarily possitive risk taking. It seems like today people feel as though failing and disrespecting teachers is the way to fit in and be accepted and it really is just a abasing life to live. All the things that you said truly made me think and have some what a change in my perception of certain things.
ReplyDeletegood job in persuading me and others to open up their minds and see this topic in a totally different light!
Alex V.- I understand where you are coming from in saying what you do, and I feel that it is a great thing that you have grown to have close relationships with people in your home town "small or not" and oakcrest kids of all different clicks and groups. Now I feel I should give you some possitive contructive criticism. Alex you are an awesome person and you have a great personality and that is why I think you feel you "belong", you are also a very real person and I think that is what people like about you, your personable traits, that is why you probably feel the way you do which is still awesome. I guess what I am trying to say is I guess you don't have much to worry about because your great personality that never seems to change.... "immutable". :)
Jon:
ReplyDeleteI agree with you completely! The way you explained the popular kids and the kids you wish were popular is dead on. I hate how most people idolize other people for the wrong reasons. I also agree with your idea of having one best friend instead of 1000 fake friends who really don't who you are. Your blog was very insightful and completely correct. Thanks for giving everyone a reality check!
Gwen:
ReplyDeleteAww! I loved reading your blog. I'm proud and envious of you for being so confident in where you are in your life. I agree with you when you said,
"So what if I talked to the boy with the cutest smile or the girl with the nicest hair? They were still a kid going through high school just like the rest of us. They have the same problems, the same insecurities, and probably even the same thoughts."
I hate when people idolize other people for doing the wrong thing! Seriously, it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm happy you feel the same way, too, and are impervious :) to the threat of stupid high school stereotypes. You're awesome and totally have it going on!
Shelly:
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I LOVE the quote you added to the end of your blog. It makes so much sense in this particular context. More importantly, though, I feel the exact same way as you; like my friends are only my acquaintances. I constantly wonder if they want me involved in their conversations, or if their talking about me, wanting me to leave. You are a beautiful person, always kind and caring toward everyone. Don't let people get to you, they're only jealous.
Lauren: I love that you don't want a part of the drama. I completely agree. I don't care about it, but I sometimes feel that I'm out of the loop because I don't know it. Gossip is what starts a lot of conversations and I hate it. I completely understand where you are coming from. And I think that it's great that you and Danielle have each other. You guys are like the best cousins ever. :)
ReplyDeleteHannah: I completely agree that the popular kids are way more insecure than everyone seems to think. Most of the people who shut down others and place themselves higher in social status have no other reason in doing so than to hide their own insecurities.
Alix: I think it's great that there is a place where you always feel you belong. I feel the completely feel the same way about select choir. Since it's a small number, I feel like we are a family. And even if the people were different, singing is my passion and it always makes me happy. So I totally feel the same way you do about band.
Stephen
ReplyDelete“At the black hole of individualism, known to most as Port School, I felt a heart wrenching need to belong. There was no one like me. There was no one close to me. There was no one who wanted me. There was no group I fit into, I was just there, existing. Just existing is perhaps one of the worst states of being. You look for satisfaction everywhere, just to feel something. The trouble is that when you're just existing that satisfaction is never found. You might think I'm shallow to rely on other people so much, but honestly we all do. We all need someone.”
Stephen! I feel terrible for you port kids, I don’t think I’ve heard any stories of people who really liked port! Ever since middle school we Davies kids had our “cliques” but we’ve never really drew their lines thick. Everyone is at least cordial with everyone no matter where they’re clique puts them. So it’s no surprise you found your place at the Oak. But you know what? You never really needed to belong to those Port kids, you’re way better. They should have felt lucky to belong with you.
“Oh and I'm so glad I moved to the seat behind you in Spanish. The class just isn't the same with out your back hand comments about the crazy things that go on ("depends on how much cream" hahaha). “
And to this, I agree! Class wouldn’t be the same without someone to make those comments to! I love you! Glee! =)
Shellybean =D =
“Some move on and forget to look back where they leave us standing. Some let us go in their past and head out to make their futures. Some choose others over us and decide that it is for the better that they did. Some do leave, but their leave is permanent, until we meet again, some place in another world.”
This was so sad, not necessarily in the tear jerker fashion, but in the wow that’s so true way. You’re completely right, friends and people come into our lives and then leave, but it’s so much worse when they linger and drift so all the while you can watch friendships sail apart. For me, I had a solid group of friends from middle school that seemed indestructible until high school. The first day of school, I guess we all took that rope off our boats and just started floating. Sometimes you think you’re where you belong, but new people just change everything.
(Goodness! I need some pumpkin spice cappuccino to bring up my spirits, because that was upsetting! Haha =p)
KTG! -“It was a message from my “friend” making fun of the outfit I was wearing that day. Later they all surrounded me and told me how I was simply not good enough to be in their group no matter how many rides I gave them. They then began to fill me in on all my faults and problems that I had.”
ReplyDeleteThat is awful. KTG you’re perfect. (Except maybe for that stain on your gym pants!) I dislike those girls immensely. I don’t know who they are… but I dislike them! Anyone who could be mean to someone as adorable as you is just rude! As for loving not belonging, good for you! Play the field of cliques and be friends with everyone! That’s so much better than needing to belong like everyone else.
Lucas.
“Oh. Just to clear something up, it's not like I have no friends. For some reason, whenever I write these posts, it always comes out sounding like my life sucks. Honestly, it doesn't. What I meant was, I don't really feel any particular place is "home". I can be myself around some people, and I enjoy the presence of many more. I just haven't really found that perfect place yet.”
Goodness Lukey, you just need some confidence juice. You’re real self or whatever is in there somewhere, just dying to get out and it wants to talk to more then “some people”. You keep yourself in a shell too long, you’ll forget to how to break out. Just saying…but it’s not like you ever listen to me anyway =p
Pooja,
ReplyDelete"Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy. . .Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy." (All You Need is Love by the Beatles).
This popped into my head as I was reading your blog. Your attitude towards life and belonging really inspired me, because you are someone who can recognize the value of where you are instead of only seeing where you would rather be. It can only make your whole life better and happier. I am going through the same thing with cross country, that you went through with track. I can't see why I am doing it anymore, if I just have to start over and I don't feel the drive to do it anymore. It sounds like you have moved on and are finding your place in Oakcrest and the world.
aw thanks so much kyra. Mucho thank yous!
ReplyDeleteKyra- Once again Kyra you are so... right in what you said. There are a whole lot of perople out there that you think that you know and it turns out the frog wasn't a prince it was just an ugly tode. That being said there are some people out there that are real people and sometimes they will change and move on with or without a friend sometimes for personal straigth. Like the saying if you let a good thing go and it comes back to you, then it was meant to be, and if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be and it was only meant to be for a season. The mistakes some people, including me, make often times, is confusing seasonal relationships with life time realationships. I heard this saying one time that said "In the storm branches will brake (regular friends/ acquaintances), but the roots (true life time friends) of the tree won't brake in the storm. I guess what I am trying to say is that I hope that your friendship problems work out for the better rather than the worse. Know that I will always be here for you no matter what you may go through. Compton friends for life! :)
I often dream, ponder, reflect. Out there, it’s somewhere. Somewhere in which all emotions exist, people exist, and I -- I exist woven in-between the every inch of life rather than be exiled into the hidden cracks where nobody is around. A location? A group of people? Whatever it may be called, I want to call it my own.
ReplyDeleteFor the most part, I am searching. I've been searching for quite some time. Desperately. For so long, in fact forever, I have not felt that sense of belonging. I'm not even sure what it means exactly. But I do know for sure that I need it. I absolutely need it. During my lonelier years, I realized that other people stimulate the mind and the soul. But to be simply 'around' people is nothing compared to the life and growth experienced when 'interacting' with people. I dreadfully yearn to find that place where my life is complete just by being part of it. Then again, desperately and dreadfully may be the wrong words. I want to find that place before my life runs out. Right now, however, I am not desperate. In fact, I am 100% confident that I do not need to fulfill that need as a high schooler. In time, it will happen. I WILL find it. But what scares me the most is that maybe I'll never find exactly where it is. I don't know what types of people are a part of it. Will people even be a part of it? Will it just be a location? Difficult questions...
As of now, I don't feel as though I belong anywhere. Not at home, not at school, and most certainly not out in the real world. Everywhere I go, I feel detached from everything that goes on. I'm usually the last one to know about an incident or event. And people don't tend to think of me as the first person they want to chat with or pour their feelings to. My past and history affects my present too much. People see me as the shy girl 'over there' who doesn't talk and doesn’t like to be talked to. But actually, I've become almost the opposite. Although I'm involved in two huge activities in Oakcrest, band and cross country, I truly do not feel as though I belong in either one of them. There is not one single person who understands me fully in either organization. Fitting into the band, my numero uno love, has been a struggle that I eventually could care less about. Everyone began their friendships early, as freshmen, and I personally avoided fitting in as much as possible. And when I started to strive to fit in, I quickly realized it wasn't it wasn’t a huge necessity in my life. So when a bunch of band kids go out to Chili's or Olive Garden, and I'm not invited, I couldn’t care less.
I’ve come to see belonging unnecessary as only a high schooler. I know there is no use worrying over this. The place where a person belongs is like the relationships young girls and guys go through as teenagers and adulthood. Sure, those two may be going out in high school, but the probability of it lasting after high school is extremely minute. And sure, there are smaller scales of the feeling of belonging, but in ten years, will the most popular person I know still be in student council or an Oakcrest sport? Being a part of everything does mean a person automatically belongs. It simple means they are involved in the school. There is no use worrying because sooner or later, I will find my 'true' / 'destined’ place that I belong to. As a high schooler, I barely know a fraction of who I am. How am I supposed to feel like I belong when I know very little about myself and what I want to do? I have to figure this out before finding a place where I fit. So belonging in high school is not my biggest worry--believe me, it’s far from it!
In the long run, not belonging anywhere strengthens me. I'm more independent. It provides me with the force to know that I can do anything and everything without anybody's help. "I don't need people!" I tell myself as a confidence booster. But as much as I can try to persuade myself that, people are truly necessary in everyone's life. That is why, since the very first human-being, people have created communities. I know that I do not belong by myself--without a single person in the world. Not having a place to belong, right now, makes me realize that I am missing a lot of the LIFE people experience with others as a group. Thus, I try to live every moment to the fullest with the people I know even though I don't feel like I belong with them. Eventually, I know that through it, I will be able to distinguish what kind of place I truly belong and what kind of place I do not.
ReplyDeleteI will find it. I don't belong anywhere now, but I will. I am just searching.
The need to belong seems to exist in most people. The only difference is how much a person feels that they need to belong. I have definitely felt that way but I honestly am not sure where I belong. There was a point in time where I felt that I was exactly where I wanted to be. That time was back when I went to Greenbank School. When I was there I felt like my complete self and I never really cared too much about what people thought of me because I knew almost everyone in the school. I’m not saying I was best friends with everyone but for the most part I never really fought with anyone. Most of my class was really close our very last year at that school. We were all basically best friends (well all seven of us anyway). Then our time at Greenbank ended and we all got split up. Half of my friends went to a different school and one of my closest friends moved states away. When the time came to walk through the halls of Oakcrest I was terrified. I remember meeting a few people but I was so nervous that I didn’t even really know what to say to anyone. So I was a shy girl for a little while (or at least that’s what I thought people saw me as until they got to know me). It took me a little while to get used to everything but once I met more people and made more friends I became a little more comfortable. I’m not really shy at all anymore but I still don’t feel like I belong in any particular place. The only time that I feel as though I belong is when I’m with my closest friends and family.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes feel the need to belong in certain groups but I just don’t feel like I always fit in. I can honestly say that I have no clue where I belong. I love sports but I’m not exactly athletic, I love music but I can’t play any instruments, and I tried joining clubs freshmen year but that just faded away. I’m okay with this stuff though. I may not fit in with many groups but I’ve accepted that. I may not go to tons of parties but I still like to spend time with my friends and be my goofy self (that would be the side that not everybody gets to see of me). I’m still working on my confidence but that could take some time. I think that most people are insecure about at least one thing in their life. It’s normal and the need to fit in for many is too. The thing is that nobody is the same. People can be labeled but they are still their own person. Trying to fit in is part of life but nobody is the same and nobody should try to be the same as others. They should just be who they are because I mean that’s how you find you’re real friends. So I don’t think that the need to fit in should never change a person because being different is what makes life so interesting.
ReplyDeleteTay Palm
ReplyDeleteI guess people in Port are so much alike they didn't really know how to react to someone different like me. I wish I had gone to Davies with you guys! Haha, I probably would have been so much happier, but thats life, right? I mean, if you're one of those people who actually fit in at Port, more power to ya, but I don't want any part of it.
Love you toooo! :) Glee in 24 minutes!
Taylor P.—I’m so glad to hear that you found a place where you feel that you belong. It sounds like you guys are so accepting of many things. I’m also glad that you were able to become more comfortable in some of your classes too. I remember when we were in the same Spanish class freshmen year and how we always sat in the front and talked. That class would have probably been so confusing and boring if you hadn’t been there.
ReplyDeleteAlex V.—I definitely agree that people should just try being themselves and nobody else. Also you are right, why can’t the loner for once be portrayed as happy and successful?! Just because they’re not trying to fit in doesn’t mean their lives are horrible. I’ve seen how you Port kids are and I think that you guys are amazing. =)
Lauren D.—I have been told so many times that
things that happen now will probably be forgotten in a few years. I believe this too. I don’t think you are missing out on the “high school experience” by not being involved in the annoying drama that comes with it. It’s just unneeded stress. I think the real high school experience is meant to resemble the funny things that happen throughout it. I mean high school is the time when you might start growing up but it’s also the time when you can also still feel like you are a kid too.
Comments
ReplyDeleteAlexis B- Never let fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. I hate to be cliché but you’re a bright, talented, and fun person to be around. You can branch out and get into any other group of friends that you desire.
Deanna- I love that you have the faith and courage and willingness to journey into a place you have not been established and have no social connections what so ever. Seeing how your self-esteem has evolved over the years gives me great joy in just saying that I’m friends with you.
Sarah C- Our times in French together are just as informative as they are amusing. Sara you can mesh or fit into a group of people whenever you decide to let them get to know you. When you are out with your best friend and her friends don’t be afraid to put yourself out there because if they don’t accept you for you then they are missing out on a barrel of laughs.
(Seriously what is with me and the clichés today)
Jon,
ReplyDeleteYou see through high school and people our age so well. I agree with you about it being better to have real friends who value you for you, then to have a bunch of people around woh just like your image. Images like that are illusions. Once the illusion fades a little or becomes transparent, the bottom falls out and all those fake friends dissappear. I think you're right about staying true to yourself. It can only lead to good in your life, and to true friends.
Part 1:
ReplyDeleteOne of the most famous moments in Mean Girls is when Janice Ian is mapping out the cafeteria to Kady: “You got your freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, J.V. jocks, Asian nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity jocks Unfriendly black hotties, Girls who eat their feelings, Girls who don't eat anything, Desperate wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually active band geeks.” Is any of that really true? Are there really cliques? I don’t think so.
If there is one thing I love about Oakcrest more than anything else, it’s that we don’t have cliques. We don’t have the snobby girls or are supposed to be cheerleaders and date the stuck up football players. The band kids aren’t “geeks” and the drama kids aren’t weird. All of us are really cool people. Oakcrest is a family of people, class of ’11 is a big family, and I love being able to fit in with all circles and not be scared to be myself.
I used to be scared to go to high school because on shows like Lizzie McGuire you had the popular cheerleader who was force to date the hot guy because it’s the way things worked. So, I used to think to myself, at like age 10, note, that I would be the loser because I wasn’t “popular”. Also on Glee how the cheerleader has to date the hot football player and when he tries to change she wants to break up with him because it’s not the way things are supposed to happen. But now I’m not scared, I have my friends, but do I still want to belong? Of course!
It’s impossible to be a teenage girl in high school and not want to fit in. But I found where I fit in, and it isn’t in some stereotypical clique. I have friends in levels of “clique”. I’m friends with people in drama and people in band and people who play sports and people are just cool without being “involved”. I’m also friend with people older than me. I’m the judgmental type, my friends and I welcome anyone who is cool and doesn’t bring drama. My group of friends gets bigger and bigger every year! It’s hard to be in partners in crime when there are so many! I don’t mind at all, because the more the merrier! My friends are my family, I feel wanted and important whenever I’m with them.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteBut I can’t take credit for all the friends I have and the way I am. The reason I have been able to make all these friends is because of soccer. All those girls are my family. I’m going through something right now, and when I’m with them, it’s the only time of the day I don’t think about it. I’m happy and I feel welcomed. My high school career started when soccer practice started that summer. Yes I was shy and took me a few a years to break out of my shell, but if it wasn’t for them, I would not be the way I am. We aren’t your typical team; we have team man hunt, team dinners, team meetings, team sleepovers, team everything! We are a family and I love having them in my life. I really don’t want to think of my life without them. If there was any “clique” in my life, I would be part of the soccer girl clique, but really it’s a girl’s soccer family; one team and one family.
So I belong to a majority things; I belong to my friends and the soccer girls. They’re my family and I’m also home when I’m with them. I know that if anything was really wrong, I could stay at any of there houses and be comfortable, so that’s family and all their homes are mine. I’m home on the soccer field and in the halls of Oakcrest. I belong to something great; OHS Girls Soccer and Class of ’11.
I have no opening remarks for this blog so, I’m going to straight out say, since about the start of freshmen year, felt as if I never belonged anywhere to anyone. Eighth grade overall was a great year, it was a year full of fun; it was also, the last year I ever really felt as if I had friends. But, I guess that old saying it true “High school changes a lot of people.” One would think that as you get older you would get a better sense of life but, for some they just got dumber.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up I have always been able to pick out the good friends and because of that I have had the best’s friends. Even moving around a lot I was always able to make good friends. Eighth grade year I moved to Mays Landing; meaning I went to Davies. I had then also made some really good friends; however, as freshmen year started I slowly realized that everyone had changed. Some for the better. Some for the worst. Unfortunately the group of friends I hung out with changed for the worst. They wanted to always pick a fight, join/ start gangs, always talking about “hitting and quitting”. Yes, I know me being gay may contradict this but, even as before when I was straight I always thought woman should be respected. You shouldn’t talk to a female because you only wanted to have sex with her. And yes I was straight before, I do believe that you can’t say you don’t like something unless you have tried it. As for wanting to start fight and join gangs, been there done that, those were one of the few thing I had experienced at an early age and because of it I learned that it was all wrong and you should live with morality. So besides my sexuality, choosing to go the right path was another reason why I have lost a number of my friends. And by losing my friends in high school, it wasn’t as easy to make new ones as it was before the High. Now if you go up to some when and Say “Hi my name is Joey. Want to be my friend?” They would think you’re a retard or weird. Losing my sense of belonging in this world, lowering my self-esteem.
I look around every day and observe the friendships some people have and wish I had that. I over hear parties that some people have been to and wish I had been invited. So you ask what am I missing, I am missing the lack of friends. I believe without friends to support you or just to have someone to talk to outside of your family is an important factor in one’s life. Without it you would feel lonely, as if you don’t “belong”. Even though I see people with such great friendships and lives (in my perspective) I do still believe that some of them would still feel as if they don’t belong. I say this because no matter how your life goes, you’re always going to have you up’s and downs. The only difference between someone and someone else is who has it worse. I do feel as if I and misunderstood, and is simply judged by my sexuality but that’s, not everything about. That fact that I happen to like the same sex as mine doesn’t explain who I am as a person because I can bet that people who are reading this or has read my first blog had no idea that I was remotely gay. With that being said you should never judge a book by its cover. Or in my case, judge a person because of the person he/she decides to date.
Jessie: I absolutely love how strong hearted you are. You are okay with being where ever you are doing whatever you want. I love that about you. You did talk about how you felt you did not fit the average mold of a teenager but, to be honest, I think the mold you fit it much better than the one I fit. You are super smart, way funny, and a great friend.
ReplyDeleteI know what you feel when you are not invited to all those girl outtings. It bothers me a little bit but I know I probably wouldn't know what to do if I was invited. I guess, in a sense, I do not fit the normal girl mold. I do not know how to put on make-up or get dressed up. I have no idea how to do my hair... I am a fail in this part of my life
In seventh grade a teacher stopped me in the hallway and said “Where do you belong?” I turned to utter some smart remark, because I thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and stared blankly into her eyes. I had nothing to say. The question stuck with me the rest of the night and I could not think of an answer. At that point in my life I had felt the need to belong. I was influenced by many, and I never really knew what I was capable of achieving.
ReplyDeleteI have been portrayed as an “all-around” kid, but where do I really belong? My brother, the infamous Ryan Cheek baked in Oakcrest glory all four years. I am nothing like him. Everyday I get compared to him and his success. I do not belong in Oakcrest. People tell me everyday how I am only successful because I am a Cheek, and it hurts. I work hard for my accomplishments and no one should take that away from me. For a while, I considered transferring schools. I wanted so badly to attend Holy Spirit because I thought I belonged with my “best friends.” I quickly learned that people can not follow what other people do, they have to be their own leader.
There is no one in this life I really look up to. Having a hero is what I think helps a person feel as though they belong. When there is something to look up to and something to strive for there is a goal. I have many goals, but no one to say “Wow, great job,” no one to really be inspired by, but most importantly, no one I can go to when life is not going well. When I find a person to look up to, I know I will feel more like I belong.
I know the one place I belong is back in gymnastics. This is the only place I ever really felt I belonged. I belong on that floor gasping for air after the hardest conditioning set imaginable, or holding my breathe as I entered my dismount on a routine that had been perfect, but one mess up is the difference between state champion and not medaling. Without this piece of the puzzle, I do not think I will ever belong anywhere. Yet, I am not worried. I do not want to pretend to belong in a place that I know I never will. Yes, Oakcrest has been, and will be, a great experience, but is it what I thought my life would be. This brings me to the topic of self esteem. In my opinion, most teenage girls have self esteem issues. Yes, I have a few, but it is not because I do not belong.
The next day I went back to school and approached the teacher who stopped me the previous day. I looked her right in the face and said, “I do not belong.” She now became the speechless one as I walked slowly away smiling, because I knew I liked it this way.
Deanna:
ReplyDeleteWhy can’t you just write a book, Kale? And publish it? Your such an amazing writer I just wish I had talent like you. So anyways, I like how you aim so high because those who aim high usually make it ( Is that how the saying goes? Or maybe I paraphrased it wrong…) Your goal to reach Japan and shaping up this world. I remember how you used to talk about it in 8th grade, good times.
J
Alex V
I love it how your to the point! I also love, how you have variety of friends and I became part of them. I admire that aspect of you, there’s no certain clique or group for you. You just come and go as you please, you care less about what other people think. However there is one thing I disagree with you on, sometimes feeling the need to belong is drives a person to find where they belong. Others naturally accept the world around them and feel as if there is no need to belong. Everybody’s different….
Shirley
I got a depressing feeling when I read your blog. Shirley, without you being the way you are you wouldn’t have made it this far in school. Your not only labeled as the ‘quiet one’ and I didn’t even know that you were labeled that because your totally the opposite, your labeled a ‘good friend’ to me, even though we haven‘t talked in ages but I still consider you one. You have so much drive and dedication I admire that. You were good at cross country from day one of practice and of course, your smart. You shouldn’t worry about trying to belong because in time, like you said, you‘ll find that place. I don’t think you need to trouble yourself in searching for it because your Super Shirley!! Haha...
“By building relations we create a source of love and personal pride and belonging that makes living in a chaotic world easier.” Susan Lieberman. To allow myself to be completely honest in my answer, I thought hard and long about this topic. Where do I belonging? Where am I most comfortable with being me? I racked my brains, yet there was no response. The answer I received was as simple as, I like belonging. I like feeling needed yet I have no real “home”.
ReplyDeletePopularity does not gain one automatic feeling of belonging as some people believe it does do. We have all known at least one supposed “popular” kid that hardly anyone likes. That “popular” kid gets invited to all the parties but no one ever bothers talking to him/her. Instead people use him/her for appearance’s sake and then dump him/her like a sandwich that has festers far too long underneath ones bed. I do not buy this supposed popularity crap that we are fed on a daily basis. The definition of Popular in the Zeb Dictionary, is a person that can make others laugh and provides a bonhomie atmosphere wherever he/she may go. It is a person who makes friends just by being themselves, not a “second rate version of someone else “(Judy Garland).A popular person is one has real friends. Sports and Clubs don’t make people popular, but rather it is a popular person (the Zeb definition of the word) that can make a sport or activities exciting. Belonging is not calculated on how many parties you were invited to last weekend, but rather how many people on your team or even school for that matter that would visit you in the hospital. The feeling of belonging, at least in my book, can be calculated on the real friends that you make. Friends that become more like family. Yet there is a fine line between acquaintances and being a “family”, but knowing the difference could play a pivotal role in ones life.
I do not belong to a certain place. Instead I feel as if I belong to my friends. Wherever my friends are, that’s where I feel at most comfortable. Whether it is with Brynne, playing foosball in her basement or Maryam, Sarah, and I talking about the new cute guy over the phone, I feel as if I am, in a sense, at home. I feel safe. When I with or even talking to people that I regard as my friends, I feel unburdened and loved. I can achieve what I aspire. My friends understand me on a level that even surprises me at times. I do not belong to any stupid cliques, but rather I feel like I belong when I am with my diverse friends, all unique in their own way. That is why I always make it priority to make new friends. As I build more relationships with amazing and wonderful people, I find more “homes”. More people that accept me. I feel more important, like I have a reason to exist, even if that existence is just to be there for my friends. Dorothy had her stupid shoes while I have my fantastic friends to “send me home”.
Comments:
ReplyDeleteHannah: I used to be mad jealous of you freshmen year because all the older girls liked you better, and then last year when we became mad close, I felt more a part of everything. So Hannah I owe a lot of who I am, to you. I would never be as fun as I am, if we weren't friends and soccer would NOT be the same without you.
Taylor: I'm glad you feel so close to drama. I know how much you love it! I love your Gilligans Island song and your singing. It's good to know you're at home. I would never look at you weird for be crazy, because that's why I love you! For being so outgoing! Also without drama you prob wouldn't be bringing brownies to football games.
Sarah C: I love how you barely hang out with Mullicans anymore. Actually, I don't know if you do. But still, I love us becoming friends and us being friends (and husband and wife). You belong with me! You have a smile that can light up this whole town! So I'm glad you managed to fit in and find a home here at Oakcrest. It wouldn't have been the same without you!
To Stephanie Wellman: I think it’s wonderful that you have found your place in Chess Club. It should not matter to you, what the label of the Chess Club is in stupid old Oakcrest. People always judge things and other people without giving either a chance. I think it is amazing that you are such a strong person that you could care less what those idiots think. That’s the way the entire High School should be, if you ask me. The only opinion that matters in your life is yours .If you like think that your Chess team is amazing then that is all you need to know. Perhaps you can teach me how to play when you’re not busy. I would love to learn something new.
ReplyDeleteTo KTG: It makes me really sad that people could treat someone as remarkable as you like that. I am disappointed that you let them treat you like that! You are so incredible person and you should have beaten the crap out of them. However I do agree with you about looking forward to “doing a million things”. I love experiencing new things and meeting new people. Like you I really don’t exactly “belong” anymore but that is the interesting aspect of life; the unknown. The unknown is the one thing that can only be conquered after the process of trial and error. Being a “drifter” is the best way to meet the group or even person that you actually feel “at home” with. I love you KTG!!!!
To Taylor Palm: I never thought drama as such a closely-knitted family. Your blog provided me with a new perspective of drama. It sounds amazing to be able to be or do anything you want and not fear ridicule. It sounds like you have made really great life long friends who accept you for you. That is a rarity to find in Oakcrest, the land of the immature. I really find your care-free attitude refreshing in such a drab and boring world. You are not afraid to say what’s on your mind. In the immortalized words of Costal, “Youdowhatyouwaaant” You are unique and no one can deny that.
Part One
ReplyDeleteI’m a firm believer in home is where the heart is. With that being said, I have two homes, and they are both very different. I was born in Wildwood NJ, I work in Wildwood NJ, there are not many places I can go in Wildwood NJ that I don’t someone. Since Kindergarten I have attended school in Mays Landing NJ, my father is in Mays Landing NJ, my main residence is Mays Landing NJ. My Wildwood home is VERY small town, especially in the winter, and holds a lot of drama! My Mays Landing home is my safe haven.
Dear Kelsey,
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine what it feels like to constantly be compared to an older siblings, but from reading your blog and from what I've also heard over the years, it hurts pretty bad. I want you to know that I have never compared you to your brother. I known you for years, and I'm aware that you work your butt off to accomplish everything that you have. I'm proud of you for being YOU, not for being a Cheek. Maybe someday soon, other people will realize that also.
Loooooovee,
Gwen :]
Part Two
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in 6th grade I struggled with the need to belong. It was my first year put with the “smart kids”, and I hated not having classes with any of my old friends. The summer before 7th grade I begged my dad to take me off the “Accelerated” track, and put me in regular classes; he refused. I was on the White Team, and I hated it. But then I met Paola and Rafaela and bounded to them instantly. I had always cared about my schoolwork, and it was nice to finally hang out with people who felt the same. For the first time, I started to feel like I belonged again. Four years later, and I’m still in the same classes with the same people; I love them!
Another place I feel I belong is at Cheerleading. Most people say, “Oh…you’re on JV”, like it’s a negative thing. I don’t care, I love it. We have one of the best coaches in the world, Ms. Sneed. If you don’t know Sneed, she is amazing. She is so easy to talk to and has a genuine love and respect for all her students, and cheerleaders. Another reason I love it is because, you spend so much time with these other girls they become your sisters. Most of them I can honestly say I know better than their own parents, just from hearing them bitch and complain, and talk about their “boyfriends” everyday after school. There is always drama, and we fight a lot! But at the end of practice were all working toward a common goal, and that’s what counts.
Joey- You are awesome! omg the courage that you show and the honesty that you display is just a great thing. I could tell that you were a true and great person when I first met you. It is true some people are so... judgmental and it is freking annoying how people want to judge others and they have so... many issues or difference that they may feel people don't understand. Yes, people will always want to be accepted, ut the moment that they accept their self, I feel the friends will come and the people will also accept, maybe not everyone but some people will, and I accept you. I think you are a cool person and I would never judge you.
ReplyDeleteI belong wherever I want to be. Your wants and desires while sometimes are influenced by outside sources are for the most part genuine. So if you want to be somewhere then that is where you belong. I don’t think where you belong is always synonymous with where you feel comfortable or safe. For instance during diving season I can sometimes get extremely uncomfortable because I’m one of only two black athletes on the swimming an diving team.
ReplyDeleteOne time I remember being extremely uncomfortable is when some ass-hole decided to print out a list of black jokes. So we are on the bus driving to Hess, and the majority of the team is laughing at these jokes. So I pretended to not care and occasionally laugh at one I found amusing to ease the tension I was feeling. Now I don’t think any of my teammates are staunch racist or anything but being the odd one out in any situation can be uncomfortable to anyone.
Although despite being uncomfortable I still feel I belong on the team because I contribute to the team and I want to be there.
There are places or other sports and activities where I feel I fit in more but that does not mean I belong there anymore than I belong on the swim team. Like at academic team meetings and competition I’m in my element random trivia and all the pizza I could ask for.
People in general will always want to go where they feel they are wanted and needed it’s simply human nature. When people don’t belong it most certainly causes our self-esteem to lower because we feel that we aren’t accepted by our peers. And in the grand scheme of things that’s what we are after, when we are searching for a place to belong.
Alluding to the point I was trying to make earlier I think we can belong in several different social settings. It is called having a diverse personality, which is not to be confused with being wishy washy. So the popular kids who are in various different social settings are split into two groups. There are those who are searching for a place to belong or those who feel that they belong in all the social settings.
While he was bathing in the rays of sun that seemed to blanket him/her in warmth the hermit crab abandoned it’s shell in search of a knew one. The hermit crab overtime will grow and mature and will have to set out to find a new shell. Although I highly doubt the hermit crab is going to forget the shell it left behind.
As far as home goes I don’t think you always belong home but I damn sure believe that there is no place like it. For people who have had a permanent home. Most of the important events in your life are usually always going to be associated with your home. Like learning how to ride a bike, or the first time you slept at a friends house, the first time you stayed home alone. So I think people will eventually grow out of their homes and find a new home like the hermit crab.
Part Three
ReplyDeleteMy third and final place I feel like is my third home, is Sam’s Pizza Palace. I know this sounds ridiculous, your work being you’re third home. I love my job. I have known most of the waitresses their since I was born. Wildwood is such a small town that everyone is connected to everyone, and at Sam’s we’re all really connected. In the summer I work at Sam’s five days a week for 8 hours a day mostly with the same girls. I spend more time with them than I do with my friends or my family, so during the summer Sam’s Girls are my family.
When you add them all up, I guess I have 5 homes. My mom’s, my dad’s, my classes, my cheerleading, and my job. I’m sure this sounds a little ridiculous, but I don’t care. Home is where the heart is, and all these place and people are where my heart is.
Chrissy- I was reading your post and felt the need to comment. Oh boy 6th grade. The year that I loved and hated at the same time. From what I remembered, we had become extremely close and then things got ugly. Bitter fights that now when you look back were completely immature. I, being the leader of the club, am still deeply sorry about everything that happened. “You feel comfortable in your environment, and that is all that matters.” When you said this in your passage, I could not agree anymore. It was a good time for all of us to step back and realize what was going on. I look back now and think wow I was really mean, and somehow Chrissy and I are still friends! It makes me so happy when you are successful in drama and love the people you are with. I know that for a while you suffered but now you seem so triumphant in everything you do. I envy you, because you found a place that you feel you belong.
ReplyDeleteZakiy aka husbin to be (insider)- Zakiy I know what you mean when you say sometimes when you are in ackward situations and still you feel a want to fit in and you may crack a joke or two just to lighten the tense mood. I think sometimes it is just not worth it trying to fit in. When you play as many sports and are as involved as you are with a outgoing personality you should never fret to not fit in. I also agree with you that no matter how far you go from home there is never any place like it! you RoCk KiDo!
ReplyDeleteJoey at the end of my comment it was suppose to say I would never judge you, because you are just too awesome for that, but it apparently didn't put that part up! grrr.
ReplyDeleteTaylor: It's not like I don't listen to you. In fact, I've listened to some pretty important suggestions of yours. They just tend not to work. :P And the "Lukey" is never gonna leave, is it? I think the first person to call me that was Uroosa. Anyway, yeah, I'm pretty short on confidence sometimes, but I'll get by. I have some good friends, and that's a start. It's just some of the other things... ( I know you know what I'm talking about.)
ReplyDeleteKaitlin H- when I was reading your blog I saw a different side of you that I never knew. I guess because of how close we are I never see you as being shy or unapproachable in the hallways. I might not always be very nice to you, like in Spanish, but I know that our friendship “belongs.” I have actually seen you open up in weight room and want to do work, because I made you feel like you belong. It is still comical to see you as shy, but in a way that is a good thing. You always have a sense of where you belong, and if you know you don’t you do not enter the situation. I admire that and wish I could follow you. However, I am glad you had the courage to switch swim teams. You don’t need Jeannie to survive!!
ReplyDeleteTaylor P.
ReplyDeleteSister, I am not going to lie. When I first met you last year, I hated your guts. You never liked my project ideas and for some reason we did not seem to get along. But, yet again, for some reason we grew closer as friends and by the end of the year, I was calling you sister. I never gave you a "'WTF?' stare," but I did give you a chance. I think you should have gave those classes a chance too. Coming from a person who had to make friends all over again year at St. Joseph's, making friends is easy; it just takes time. I feel bad for the people that were in your classes before you transfered because they missed a really fun person!
Robert F.
That was an amazing read. But this comment is not about your writing, its about belonging, so here I go.
I think your good with people. Last year we became friends and I would have never known that you had difficulties with people until someone told me. This year, we are still friends, and from what I see, you have some pretty strong friendships. I never used to see you in the mornings, but now that we're on the same bus, I see you talking to your group of friends every morning in what I think is the C Hallway. I do not know if any advice I give you will be good, so I will avoid giving you advice. What I can do, however, is tell you what I do.
I do not have a group every morning. I have only three classes in which I have at least one buddy to accompany me on my walk to the next class. I find myself sitting alone, but surrounded by people at the same time in Statistics class and sometimes in Psychology as well as Gym. I do not really talk on the bus. As you can see, I am not biggest social butterfly, but I am still happy.
Sarah C.
I know what you mean, but I do not know how you feel. Back in the day, I used to become really good friends with someone and then explicitly say, "Okay, you’re my best friend, and I'm your best friend too right?" Doing so I made a best friend. Things are different now, and I'm sure if you ask around you will find that many people do not have one best friend. Their best friends are actually just a handful of really good friends. There is rarely only one BFFL anymore. If you have many "really good friends," then you have a lot of best friends like everyone else.
I do not think you have too many friends. How could that be a bad thing? The more friends you have, the more people you can count on.
Pooja:
ReplyDeleteYour Blog made perfect sense. It was amazing; I wish I could go around with the positive attitude as you do. I totally agree with you with you comparison to elementary, middle, and high school. Everything does change, simply because you’re moving up to a higher school. How pathetic is that. But, I guess that’s life. You should keep that attitude you have going it’s going to get you to places that you hope to be one day. I can see you becoming the successful woman I bet you want to be. Keep on dreaming because anything is possible.
Zakiey:
I can relate to your awkwardness in you swim team. However mine is a little different. Living down south, North Carolina, I had come across different variety of raciest people. Some who only disliked the blacks, the Hispanics, or colored people in general. I know hearing this from a Hispanic person may seem a little strange but, yes I have had my share of raciest remarks. I guess what I’m trying to say is you shouldn’t let it bother you. Yeah some people can be a-wholes, but being different is a wonderful thing because when you get older you will always have a story to tell to your kids or whomever the “others” may not. I don’t if that makes any sense but, be you an don’t let anyone get in the way of that.
Sandy:
ReplyDeleteHearing that makes me feel really happy inside. To know that their is people out there that are willing to accept me is a wonderful feeling. I am lost in words all I can really say is thank you, your a good friend.
Dear Kristen,
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about people as you do. I know that there will always be the people that don't like me, but i never try to change it either unless whatever they think about me is completely wrong. I don't think it is necessary to get involved in drama either. I mean, why spend your time worrying about all the nonsense thats going on in everybody else's life, when you've got your own to think about?
Loooooovee,
Gwen :]
ps. Select Choir makes me feel all tingly and loved inside too. :P
Roo (Uroosa),
ReplyDeleteOne night I was at a party, it must have been past three am, and we were asking eachother really personal questions for the heck of it. I asked everyone about the first moment that came to them when they thought abou twhere they felt most themselves. When it came time for me to answer, I foolishly realized I hadn't thought about it yet. I found myself describing laying on your roof next to you, with random blakets and hot Chai in your mom's nice china. The stars were so clear, especially for being in the middle of the woodlands. What was even clearer was that the boundries that normally seperate us from th rest of the world just dissolved. We talked about everything and anything. That is a home to me. Even just thinking about that night or talking to you is a home to me.
kelsey.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what its like being compared to an older sibling, let alone Ryan. Throughout the time I've known you, all I've seen was hard work a dedication and an ability to balance school, sports, and extra curriculars. So nobody should think that you've had highschool handed to you.
PART 1:
ReplyDeleteDo I belong? This is a question to make people sound outlandish and incredibly unlike each other, when the subject of belonging actually just correlates to how people interact. The need to “belong” does not decide who a person is because I believe there is always a category to be placed. Life is ever changing and being an outcast in one place of the world does not mean you are not accepted but just don’t belong in that specific way of life. There is always a correlation between people in a society because of the ability to categorize ever larger to formulate a divide in a society. I don’t think we need to belong, actually, if you think about it we all belong somewhere. Everyone can have things in common with other people and belong with that group of people, but this is not what many kids look at the definition of belonging. The many kids who say awkward things and sit in the corner and pick their nose will have someone to relate to and do belong in the booger-picking community. Yet belonging in the general sense of society is doing things that are “normal” and try to avoid things that are different. This is what creates the clichéd people in high school who do certain things just to view as normal. When people actually try to be “different” they usually do it in the same fashion thus making it just a sect in the booger-pickers. The need to belong will cause people to formulate to the general prescribed “normal”.
PART 2:
ReplyDeleteI myself feel I don’t belong in the majority, if that makes sense. When walking through the hallways then I am an outcast, from the hundreds of yelling people that fail to formulate a constructed sentence makes me feel as far away from normal as possible. It is sometimes when I am only with people who are actually insightful and have more to their personality than a very loud voice and cackling laugh, which seems to be the norm in the hallways. It actually comes down to my preference of people, which actually is proving that I do not really fit in with the norm of Oak crest. But the typical person in Oak crest I feel I would not like to feel accepted because I shouldn’t belong to a group I am unlike. It does not do much to my self esteem, because I have other factors that bring that down. I don’t look at myself having to fit in to be content with myself because to fit in I would not have my actual personality.
I don’t think I belong in the general sense, not because I am misunderstood or undervalued I simply believe that only a certain amount of people actually understand me. I know that sounds like being misunderstood but since I don’t associate with every crowd in Oak Crest not every person will look at an AP student with much admiration or understanding. “Hey you nerd, Wha’ chu think it cool to do homework?” To many people I am accepted as a nerd or loser because of what my goals are in life, which I get but it does not make me feel out casted or undervalued in any way. I enjoy being where I am in the ladder of students, even though I am not the most popular person or the best looking I believe that being categorized on how normal or obnoxious someone can be is not something to be proud of. Even though I do envy many students for their sociability and other attributes, it does not affect how I believe I am accepted.
I am happy in almost any situation, whether I have friends or just my inter thoughts never really tried to fit in. When I was younger I didn’t care what people thought of me. This characteristic still is with me. I’d rather sit in the reeds alone waiting for some game to fly in than to worry if someone doesn’t like me. When I started high school, I thought I would try to change my appearance. This lasted about a week before my true self shone though my veneer. I have been very similar through out my life I never tried or wanted to be something different than which I was. If I am introduce to a new class or area I usually fit right in. If I don’t than I don’t worry about it because I know that they will eventually like me for whom I am.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started at Oakcrest I did soccer. I was the only freshmen that year to do it from Mullica. I knew a couple people on the team but, for the most part, I had to make new friends. I was just myself and I made friends. I probably will never really fit in because I’m different than most kids. I prefer to go out in the woods than go to a mall. I’d be happier with one or two of my closest friend than be surrounded by a hundred people who don’t truly get me.
I have never moved out of south jersey and the only time I switched school from Mullica to Oakcrest. Maybe I don’t have the same understand that some people who moved have. However, I still won’t change myself to fit in. Just being myself has worked great for me up to this point. I don’t really have any certain cliché that I hang out with. I have friends all over. I usually think that people who do certain things just to fit in a fake. I used to be much shyer so I was scared to go talk to new people. But now I am comfortable in my own skin, I get so crazy at dance and other outings. I don’t care who is there or how foolish I look. People can judge me but I’m not going to care. I’ll be the one living up live having so much fun. I wouldn’t do anything at dances at Mullica. But after I came to Oakcrest I would dance more and more. Than I met Jon and his friends who took me under there wind and told me not to be embarrassed. I think they really helped me come out of my shell. So now I don’t have a problem making new friends and if someone truly doesn’t like me it’s their lost.
The people who are insecure are sometimes the ones who strive to fit in by being in all the clubs and sports, and going to every party. They do all of these things just so that people will like them. The place I feel I belong the most is on a sports team, or a place most wouldn’t travel, whether in the deep forest or in the middle of bay. I don’t need a certain group of people to feel I belong just as long as I know who I truly am, I am satisfied.
Lauren- Your blog speaks to me on so many levels. I know you werent implying that you were better then everyone you just are mature. You realize that there is life "outside" the realms of high school and that is wonderful. I totally get what you are saying completely and feel the exact same sentiments. I loved your blog girl!!!
ReplyDeleteKtg
ReplyDeleteI never knew how much you went through in Mullica. I love how you’re so honest with what you wanna do in life. You’re in it for yourself and no one else. I love how you said “It doesn’t matter to me anymore if the people I meet need me or not. As long as they happy with me and true to me, I’m great.” This tells me a lot about you because, you know your real friends will find you one way or another and your not scared of rejection or being left out because you’ve already dealt with it before in you’re life.
Alex N.
ReplyDeleteI cannot relate to having multiple places where I call home, because well I have never even moved once in my life. It is hard for me to accept how easily you change between environments without being phased. Because I have lived in one place my sphere of comfort is very small. Since I am not very open or do not trust people very easily it is hard to fathom someone moving between places with such ease, most likely is a contributing factor to your outgoing personality.
Kelsey C
“I do not belong in Oakcrest.” This line that lay so precise and separated from your writing made me think. We have very little choice on where we attend or where we live. Since we are influenced by the place we live and the school we attend, it made me feel that it is who we are that is depending on who we are exposed to. A person will only do things around others because of a response, and I believe a unity between people is the willingness to except one another. So actually everyone belongs somewhere, but they just might not be there because of what their parents choices are.
Pooja
“Whether we realize it or not, we all belong somewhere or we are in the process of belonging. It’s our destiny; we were all born for a reason and that is to take part in this running world, the reality.” This part of your writing is a perspective many people did not take. I agree with you 100%, it is our destiny to belong somewhere and everyone belongs somewhere. There is no person that does not fit the criteria of fitting in somewhere in the world. Because the ones that don’t fit in, fit in with the ones that also don’t fit in. If that made any sense.
As I was growing up, I never really belonged to a specific group of people. I was the kind of person who was very layed back and didn't hate anything (besides olives) and had friends with all sorts of differences and similarities. It was just in my nature to be quiet and listen to people rather than talk aimlessly. I wasn't an "outcast" or loner, I just liked the serenity of staying quiet and I guess people liked that in me too.. I don't know if it was just me being extremely slow but I didn't notice the social divisions within school until 5th grade swimming class when I always noticed a girl never attempting to look any other girl in the eye. She has tried to talk to other people, but she was constantly rejected. Now that I think of it, there was absolutely no reason for her to be excluded like that.After that I kind of got annoyed with the way our lives seem to naturally get structured into specific social groups at such a young age. It has always bothered me how some people can be so high up on the highschool social hierarchy just because they are so focused on things that don't matter like what clothes one wears, wealth, fame etc. I don't always show that I get annoyed when someone talks constantly about materialistic objects, but inside I feel outraged.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I got way off topic there. Hah.
Those people that are considered popular because they party are different from those who do a lot of activities. Some that party (not all though), to me, seem like they probably know where they want to belong, but they want to belong for the wrong reasons., mainly for popularity. Those that participate in multiple clubs and sports seem like the ones that don't know where they belong so therefore they try various activities in hopes of possibly finding the place. I mean, that's just what I think, it may not be true in all cases, of course.
I've never really had the need to belong, but I've had the desire. I think we all do in someway. I don't really belong to a specific clique or group. I'm friends with people from all different sports, clubs, I'm friends with people from band, AP classes, CP classes and general classes. I hate the idea of cliques. They exclude so many people out just because they have different thoughts and ideas. I mean do you really want to hang out with people that like the same things, and talk about the same things (not that there's anything wrong with that)? I think we should try to diversify, how else are we going to understand and experience new ideas?
Also, I don't belong anywhere in my family. My family is Pathan, there are always fights and bickering within that divide the family up. People usually take sides but, me? I could care less about their bickering. Haha. Because I've grown up here in America and mostly all of my family in the middle east, there is always that thin wall that separates me from the rest of them because I haven't been exposed to our culture the same way they all have. I sometimes don't understand the jokes they say or the things they talk about (not in language, I completely understand what they are saying, I just don't get it). We have the group of doctors/ wannabe doctors, engineers, soldiers, professors, and businessmen, but I don't seem to fit into any of those categories. I don't mind it however. In fact I'm glad I don't fit into the stereotypical mold, but I want to belong somewhere in my family. Not a category, but a place. (I think my rant may confuse people, sorry. )
Basically my philosophy is that as long as YOU know you belong somewhere, then that's all you need to know.
Deanna- Your blog is super powerful in a really good way!! I love that you werent afraid to just let it out there, in where you believe you belong. I totally thought it was entertaining and very different!!
ReplyDeletePart 1: Now a days, everybody seems to be looking for themselves, for whatever that means. Everybody seems to be looking for their place in this world, wherever that is. It’s as if we’re also searching for these concepts, these ultimate answers to life, what is my purpose in life, who are my real friends, Can you shoot the gold iPhone, and be the first to win the gold iPhone? Why must we always chase after these questions, or love, or ways to grow up faster? Every little thing happens for a reason, whether it’s by fate or personal choice, but all things will eventually come together like puzzle pieces.
ReplyDeleteAnd so, back to the question… I never felt the need to look for my belonging in this world. I stand indifferent, towards the pursuit of belonging, that is. In fact, I can’t recall a time where I pursued this silly scavenger hunt for the X mark the spot. And yes, I am happy—it’s always sunny in my mind. But does that mean that I have found my place, or not? Whenever I think about those ultimate questions of life, I often relate all of them to my pursuit of happiness that is, being accepting towards the world’s and my own imperfections, and aiming to mend any of the ones that are remediable. If one continues to search for themselves, and all of those godly questions, then it’s probably because they’re not content with life, and where they belong. Maybe I’m just one of the fortunate ones. Maybe I’m just optimistic, and upbeat. Just maybe.
I feel as if I’d be the last candidate to tell you how I think anybody else feels. It’s not that I’m selfish towards their feelings because I do care often. It’s not that I don’t relate because I do, aren’t I another teenager in the day of a life? When it comes to questions like these, variables flow out of brain as if I’ve broken some bathroom faucet. So, ask me the question again? Yes. No. Maybe. Yes. Yes. I don’t care. Yes. No. No. No. I don’t know.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteOkay, I’ll be serious this time. Guessing from the typical popular Oakcrest kid, I feel like they do belong. Most of the popular Oakcrest kids are practically in every activity made (mainly StuCo, or interact), are bi or tri seasonal athletes, are in multiple AP/Honors classes, are champions at beer pong, and have hundreds of contacts on their phone. Unlike the usual cool high-school kids in movies, most of the popular Oakcrest kids seem to have a sense of success and happiness.
And so, it’s back to me, right? For a little, tiny Asian girl, I sure do have a giant heart! My sense of belonging lies there, in the sense that, it’s almost always sunny in my mind. Maybe it’s just my optimistic attitude, but that’s me. I do feel like I belong, maybe not in South Jersey… Okay, alright, I’m definitely not feeling a sense of belonging, in the terms that I would like to be a nomad! But, spiritually and mentally, I feel like taking a megaphone and saying hello to the world, because I can, and maybe I just will. And, even though South Jersey may not be the sunniest place in the world, I am making the most of where I am. I see the beauty in everyone, and everything ugly. Despite the trash on the sides of the street, I am reminded of the beauty of the perpetual fields of trees, and Pine Barrens, and the cool wind that lies around the shore. If I’m able to take the beauty out of the ugly, well, I guess that I have reached my pursuit of happiness that I have stated above.
With my jovial attitude, my self-esteem is looking pretty good. Wouldn’t you figure that cynicism would also bring upon cynicism towards your own being? I’d figure so. Me + Optimism (+ my good looks. :P) = Feeling like I look like, no, that I AM worth a million books. Without swagger, anybody’s self-esteem would be almost nonexistent.
Here's a quote that I feel like relates to my blog post:
ReplyDeleteSOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful.
-Jack Handy
Roosa- I love how you said you belong with your friends and that is true. A lot of times friends help shape who you become in life. I, too feel the most comfortable when I'm with you or any of my friends. You guys understand me more than anyone on the planet. But I don't think you're feeling of importance should come soley from whether or not people accept you or not. You should feel important just by the fact that you are still here and that you have had friends that have loved you since ages ago. :)
ReplyDeletePooja!- Ah, the good ol' days! I remember us playing basketball and that one time you hit me in the head...Hahah. But I agree, back in those days we didn't really realize the social divisions that were soon to come.
"Whether we realize it or not, we all belong somewhere or we are in the process of belonging. It’s our destiny; We were all born for a reason and that is to take part in this running world, the reality. "
I love this quote! This sounds like a quote you'd find in a quote book. Haha, but it is very well put, and now that i think of it, I agree. We are all born for a reason, so we must belong somewhere eventually.
Zakiy:
ReplyDeleteI belong wherever I want to be. Your wants and desires while sometimes are influenced by outside sources are for the most part genuine. So if you want to be somewhere then that is where you belong.
Your desires and influences definitely are a major part of the whole of sense of belonging. With that said, I agree completely to the dot. Plus, without influence and inspiration, then one would be without happiness, yeah?
Deanna-
ReplyDeleteYou've always had a way with words. Your blog was very touching, and I couldn't have said it better myself.
(Still to Deanna) You always seem to make your blogs entertaining to read as well!
ReplyDelete“Every day I get a front row view of the different groups of “Oakcrest High School.” I don’t know why the groups seem to gravitate near my locker it’s really strange but they just do. Every day when I happen to glance of the cluster of people a wide smile escapes across my face. Most days the groups do annoy me when the feel the need to shout when they take to their friend who is right next to him or think that my locker or the lockers next to me are some type of lounge. I continue to smile because that’s where they believe they belong.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a freshmen and witnessing the groups occupying my locker I was envious. I told my friends about these groups hoping they would want to start a group at my locker, but I soon was informed that they too were already parts of groups. The only way I knew how to response to the reality of my friends moving on was needed to find that group that would reassure me that I belong in High School. My efforts of finding that group to identify myself were fatal and pretending to be something I was not were tiring. My failures do not inhibit me from finding where I belong because in essence I learned a lesson from my failure to find that place where I belonged. What I learned through my period of trial and error I succumbed to the conclusion that “belonging” is being yourself and even though your true friends may suddenly belong to other groups making you feel you are disconnected. If you can still hang out and talk to them as the real you then you still belong with them. . I got over the idea of a High school group and being well liked freshmen year and continue on avoiding that till this day. Mostly, I look at High School from the perspective of a “discovering who I truly am,” so I feel it is unnecessary to associate myself with one group because when I graduate the group will separate .Then you’re alone facing the challenges of life and uncertain of who you are because for so long you depended on your group to guide and identify you.
Today, I feel like I belong ( I know I am contradicting myself) because I know what friends I belong to and I know myself pretty well. . I know there is life outside the halls of Oakcrest and I pretty much know where I will belong outside of these walls. Probably somewhere near a beach where its always hot, running, talking, motivating people and being my bubbly self. So, all those groups that stand near my locker the reason I smile is because that group might be the biggest deal to you . one day its going to be no more and they will be left feeling like you don’t belong anywhere more importantly to yourself.
To lukey: Lukey... how can you forget the day I gave your nickname :( I remember it as if it were yesterday...Those beautifully lazy freshman day.Where does time go. SIGH
ReplyDeleteGod dammit! I fell asleep...again. Oh well, thanks for letting me post late, Ms. Bunje:
ReplyDeleteAnyway,
I don't feel an inherent need to belong to anything, and if I do have some subconscious drive to belong, I don't want it. I don't want to be dependent on other people to be happy. I don't want constant attention, nor do I want to give constant attention to anyone else. I don't like being around the same people for more than a few hours. I don't like being around the same people for more than a 3 days a week(by Thursday/Friday I'm completely sick of everyone I see at school and feel more like avoiding them then anything else). I'm not a social person, as you can probably tell; I don't like people most of the time.
As for Maslow, I said this in AP Psych over a discussion of his hierarchy of values, and I'll say it again: I can't follow it for one second, because I don't think that anybody, at least not me, is ever physically and physiologically safe. I'm always worried about basic things: sleep, food, and other things that I consider basic (school, etc), but I do not consider friends as a basic need, and I don't see them as something I should be worried about. Friends aren't really something I care about as much as I think I could(though now that I think about it, when I was younger and cared less about basic needs, I felt a lot closer to my friends, so maybe Maslow has something).
As for other people, I think just about everybody should at least feel something toward wanting to belong to a group. It's just natural: humans are social animals. People want to be around each other and communicate themselves, and I think that's a good thing. I think famous people, celebrities and politicians and so forth, don't really consciously tell themselves they need to belong, unless they're crazy attention freaks that beg for new friends and habitually drop old ones.
Now back to me. Telling myself that I don't need to belong to anything does, I think, wonders for my self-esteem. Not caring if I belong makes me not care, at least consciously, for what anybody else thinks. I do think I am a little misunderstood and overlooked sometimes. I think I'm overlooked because I'm not really a take-charge kind of person. I think I can be a leader, if called upon, but I'm not going to openly volunteer myself and take sole blame for anything that goes wrong. Also, I think when I'm in groups, I'm hesitant to do something without being told “Hey, this is your part,” because there are plenty of other people that want to take charge, and adding me into the mix would just further complicate everything (this is to you Lucas and Sarah C., if you want me to do something in our bio lab groups, tell me; don't just volunteer to do everything and then complain when I don't force myself in as well). I think I'm a little misunderstood, because I think-well-that I think a lot, and I think I think well: as in, I think my opinions can serve many purposes and be seen from many different perspectives as good ideas. But if you don't want my opinion, I don't mind. Why should I care?
Taylor P.
ReplyDelete-That's exactly why I don't want to belong. I don't want to depend on other people to feel good about myself. I don't want to be uncomfortable around anyone, and not being too attached to anyone gives me a sense of confidence when I enter a room, as if I don't really know anyone (nor want to) even if I met him/her 5 years ago. When friends move away, I don't grieve and it's easy to just say “BYE!” and never see them again. I like that it's not that hard.
Sarah C.
-My best advice would be to stop worrying about losing new friends and relax at the prospect of it. I think that would make you stop feeling so lonely. And about that, LONELY!? Sarah, you seem so ridiculously arrogant and comfortable around everyone you know. If anybody's feeling lonely, it should be me. Balancing 5 AP classes, a sport, and sleeping leaves little room for a life. Though, I don't really mind barely having one; maybe you shouldn't either.
Gwen C.
-You're lucky. I wish I felt like I belonged when I was growing up. I think I would've been a happy little kid if I wouldn't've felt like crap around other people. Though, not feeling associated with anything has pretty much made me reject the prospect of caring about those associations, which I think has made me a much happier person. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you can't join 'em, fuck 'em. That's what I say, and that's what works for me.