So, our last class had us all puzzling over the notion that all literature has two basic plot lines, either "Man goes on a Journey" or "A Stranger Comes to Town." (I am counting on YOU, U-roo to stump me on this!)Hopefully, I didn't ruin literature for any of you with that little proclamation; I certainly didn't mean to.
For the purposes of this week's blog, let's focus soley on the journey prototype since that is what Their Eyes really was in the grand scheme.
Many of you already know the concept of the hero's journey. There is "the call," which is, ostensibly, the beginning of the journey; there is the threshold--literally, crossing over from the known into the unknown; the "challenges or trials," a.k.a. life's little problems or dragons to be slain, "the abyss"--when you think the whole world is against you and nothing will ever be right again. Once you get past all of that you move on to "the transformation," or in other words, the "What have you learned, Dorothy?" moment, "the atonement"--how have you made peace with what you've learned or become, and finally, "the return" (with a gift), where you come back to the only place you've ever known a changed person with a host of knowledge/skills or wealth to aid in all future endeavors.
Basically, all of literature revolves around some schematic of this journey, and if you think about it, all of your lives do too. Especially at this stage of your high school careers. Some of you have lived lives and seen things you never should have, never wanted to or never thought you would, for better or worse. All of you have been through problems and overcome obstacles and persevered. My question this week is--how? How did you do it? What type of mental, spiritual, physical, or intestinal fortitude did you need to have in order to emerge victorious from your journey? What was the journey? Did you embark upon it willingly or were you pushed? What did you learn? Did it change you? For the better? Or worse? Did you have help, or "guardians" as they say in Journey jargon? Tell me about it. (400-450 words/50pts)
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Oh man. This one will take a night or two.
ReplyDeleteI know! I started, but its going to take me a while.
ReplyDeleteOh Ms. Bunje, quick question, the occasional swear word is allowed, right?
ReplyDeleteGosh, this one is going to make me cry when I write it...
ReplyDeleteRemember in class when you talked about taking a spoon and swishing your brain around for awhile as you think..? Thats what i feel is happening to me right now.
ReplyDeleteSorry guys! I hope it isn't that painful.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Stephen, the occasional swear word or five is ok--so long as that is not taken advantage of and not used gratuitously for fun.
Well, here goes nothing.
ReplyDeleteMy dad went to jail when I was three. He punched my pop-pop in the eye twice, causing him to need his head cut open – ear to ear – and get two metal plates in his head. My only memory of my “dad” was when he chased my mom around the house, back and forth, and her crying her eyes out. As many know, I met him for the first time my freshman year. You’d think that when he stepped back into my life he would have made the best of everything, right? Wrong. I haven’t heard from him since. Honestly, I’m done with him. I got over him. Why would I hold on to a relationship I never had nor I never knew of? I had to realize that I already have the family I need – my stepdad is the best dad I could ever ask for and I would never, ever want to replace him with the joke of a father I truly have. I chose to get over my father for many reasons, one being that he spent five years in a jail cell and never once attempted to send me a damn piece of paper letting me know I was in his thoughts. I feel there to be no reason at all for me to sit around and wait for his life to fall into order when he messed it up in the first place. He was well of age to know right from wrong and to chose the ways to support his family. He left my mom with three children to take care of. He did not care, and I do not.
I learned that no reason is great enough to explain hurting someone you love. He “loved” my mom, my brother, my sister, me. So he got drunk, he attacked my pop-pop, and he dealt with the consequences. This did not change me because I can’t remember a single time with him as a good dad. My aunt told story after story of him abusing my mom, expressing his “love” right?
I had my mom by my side since I was born, always helping me through the problems I faced, but I feel like this was more on my own. She always took care of me and wanted me safe, keeping me away from him. I always pushed to meeting him, because every little girl wants to know her daddy. I feel like with this situation I had to grow up so fast. I see little girls playing with their dads, holding their hands and laughing all around me. I never had that and I never will. But I do have the strength to move on and to grow, to accept my past for the best and know that it happened to me because I would take the positive end from it.
Tears may fall down my cheek when this subject is brought up, no matter how many times, but that does not mean I did not grow from this. I will never make the mistake he did, and abandon my loved ones.
Well, to start off, I've never been completely comfortable with my background, my “journey”, and to be frank, I don't see the value in discussing it. I'm happier not talking about the past. I doubt either Dorothy or Gilgamesh ever thought to themselves, “Boy, I sure am on a journey, and I can't wait to talk about all the turmoil, strife, and conflict I've been through.” I'm perfectly content just living in the moment, and I feel like only negativity arises when I think about my life beyond a few years back. I feel so much happier repressing all my old memories.
ReplyDeleteBut since there's no point in arguing,
My life has pretty much been crap up until about two years ago, and my journey has been, I think, crawling through that crap and hopefully not slipping up and splashing face-down in it. I'm not going to go into detail, but in a general sense, I think it's because I've never really had a positive adult influence, or any kind of guardian, in my life that I can name.
Firstly, my parents hate each other, and I can't stand them. I don't hate them, at least, not all the time, but they always just seem foreign to me. I've never really felt connected to them. I've never felt comfortable communicating to them about anything. And they've never really motivated me, either. I feel like every once in a blue moon, my parents'll overtly approach me to try to bond with me, which in turn, distances me from them even more. I feel even more ignored, because the mediocre gestures they make to connect to me always makes me feel like they think I'm mentally inferior, as if my emotional state can be abased to the point where any minor connection can make amends for any way they've wronged me. I don't even want to connect to my parents anymore, I feel like it's too late to change my relationship with my parents to anything less negative than what it is now.
As for teachers, I hated them. I hate any teacher I've ever known outside of Oakcrest. Oakcrest teachers are infinitely better than all other teachers I've known before. Teachers used to be bullies to me when I was young, and as I got older, they've been rather inattentive to my problems, and as such, I've felt numb to their criticism, whether positive or negative, up until about last year.
In general, I think that adults disappointing me has led me to not trust people as much as I feel I could. I feel like I have the capacity to connect to people more than I do now, but I don't want to connect to people. People suck. People always let me down when I need them most, and I've learned not to depend on people as much for anything, and I think that that's how I've conquered crap-I mean life-thus far.
Back to the whole “guardian” thing (I think that's pretty important). I think that people like, say, Dorothy are too naïve, and have had too many guardians through their life journeys. I think that those people really can't depend on just themselves as much as they think they can. I don't think Dorothy really got anything from her journey besides “There's no Place like Home”(which would imply that she actually should depend on people MORE than before), and I don't see the value in that. I think that going through more crap now translates to being more tolerant and prepared when you eventually get doused with a bucket of it down the line. I know my kind of crap when I see it.
My life is fabulous and no one can stop me from the diva inside me. I pride on dressing myself in the trendiest things and I want to become part of the multi-billion dollar industry of fashion. I plan on becoming an international phenomenon full of fame and wealth. No one can stop me. I won't let them.
ReplyDeleteI won't let the shit that happened in my past affect my future. If anything, it's what directed me to looking towards this industry. I’m all about building a façade to hide all the monsters that walk in the realm of my past. I’ve never really told many people about everything that goes on in my life. I don’t even know why I’m telling everyone this right now.
I have no real father figures in my life. I depended on the maternal figures in my life. My mother was my main up bringer. She knew it too. I always was on her side. I never left it. I never left it when my father pushed her down the stairs. I never left it when he beat her and punched her just for alcohol. I never left it when she was close to killing herself with alcohol. I was always on her side even when we fought. I guess you can say that she’s my guardian.
Anyways, when I was younger that’s all I saw in my house, my father and my mother fighting. I never understood why though. It was always just constant screaming. I always found myself at the arms of my “yaya” (my nanny) trying to figure out what was wrong. Now, you might ask yourselves, was there anything done about it? No. There wasn’t any justice. We lived in the Philippines when I was younger. The law there does not exactly reach everyone. It was more of a “watch your back” system.
I’ve never held grudges except to my father. He kept a lot of things from me. He’s done a lot too. I blame him for most of the scars on my body. I blame him for letting me fall down our dreaded stairs in the Philippines. I blame him for letting glass shatter on my back, ripping it wide open. I blame him for not taking care of me when I surgery. He was never there. So we left.
When we, my mother and I, left for the United States it was only the two of us. My little brother stayed in the Philippines with my dad. It was only a couple years later that we would basically steal him back from my father. I think this is why my brother and I have nothing in common. We lived separate lives for about three years. We grew into different people and our views changed.
(continued)
My mother found love with my step dad a couple years later things progressed. Now we dealt with different problems. From having no government interaction with the Philippines, we intertwined ourselves with the government here. An immigrant only decides to move to the wealthiest country in the world only to be able to taste some of that wealth. That’s what my mother wanted. She wanted a piece of that wealth in order to raise my brother and me.
ReplyDeleteOf course, we didn’t have any luck. Up until this day, the government is trying to fight us. Despite the fact that my mother fell in love with an American man and had a beautiful daughter with him, they still won’t let her stay. They still won’t approve of her staying here.
My mother cried so much. If you don’t realize it yet, my mother can be thrown out of the country at any time. This all means that my family can be torn apart completely by her leaving. Like I said, I have no other support system. I consider no one else as a parent than her. So, by her being gone, it means that I won’t be able to see her anymore. My mother, my brother, and my sister are the only immediate family that I have that I can count on. If the government rips them away from me, then what else do I have?
My journey is all about my guardian because let’s face it. For the first eighteen years of our lives, we depend on no one else but them. I consider nothing else but myself and my family. After everything is well with them, then I feel that I can continue with my journey.
I don’t even think I can call it a journey yet. I’m still at home after all. I’m still trying to figure out what town I can play stranger in to start my story. If you noticed, my journey so far consists of my guardian. So, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about the journey yet.
I do know that I’ve learned to be stronger. I’ve learned how to “keep my head held high” and have a smile on my face because I know that I’ll have to think positive about all this. If not, then I’ll just get stuck in a pit of sorrow that will get me nowhere.
Part One:
ReplyDeleteEvery self deprecating comment I’ve ever made to myself, every time I’ve stared into the mirror in disgust, every time I’ve lost someone close to me because of my own issues of self esteem, stem back to that little brick building on Castor Avenue and the cute little children inside.
“Hey Zachary! Wanna play king and queen with me??” I asked my first crush ever during playtime.
“You can only play king and queen if I get to be King, and Eden gets to be Queen.” He responded.
“But what will I do?” I asked, confused.
“You can be our fat servant since you could NEVER be anyone’s queen.” He answered, almost innocently.
And so it began. That was the first day that I ever looked into the mirror and didn’t see Alix, the fun loving kindergartner; instead I saw a chubby face, a fat stomach, and flabby legs. That was the first of thousands of times since that I’ve looked into the mirror and didn’t see myself, but instead a gross, disfigured version of it that deserved every mean thing that was said about it.
Over the next 6 years that I spent at Rhawnhurst Elementary School, it just got worse. Everyday I came into school with a thick skin so their words didn’t hurt so badly. I’d laugh along with their fat jokes, most of the time I’d even throw one in myself so that maybe they’d think I didn’t care what they said and it wouldn’t be funny to pick on me anymore. Whenever Jasmine would lift my shirt in gym class and say “Alix, you would win any fat gut contest there is.” I would giggle, “Oh, I know, no competition at all.” everyone would laugh, and everything would be okay. Whenever Joe would tell the class to watch my desk to make sure it didn’t break, I would say “Good thing they are reinforced!” everyone would laugh, and everything would be okay. Whenever Kayla told me I was her ‘best friend’ because it was “easier than being friends with a pretty girl.” I would agree, everyone would laugh, and everything would be okay. The worst part was that I thought this was normal. I never told a saint about what those kids put me through until only recently. I never told my teachers, my best friend, or even my parents. Kids get bullied all the time. There was no need for me to cause trouble when lots of kids do the same thing everyday, right?
I obviously know now that I was totally wrong, and a lot of this damage to my psyche could have been prevented my simply telling someone. But as a scared little girl who didn’t believe she deserved to live because of how disgusting she looked could never have done that. I let it continue to happen for over 6 years without taking advantage of the many shoulders that would have been there if I needed one to cry on. A small part of me still doubts if I should have ever told anyone, or if I should be sharing it with over 50 kids that’s have never even seen this self loathing side of me.
I went through a move from Philadelphia to Mays Landing, making new friends, that awkward phase in middle school that seemed to last forever, and never feeling accepted, all while having these hurtful, dark, constant memories weigh down on me. They affected every decision I made for over a decade. I learned to mask my lack of self esteem with a persona of the exact opposite. “Alix” prided herself on not caring what others think and being able to accept herself, while the real Alix shuddered at the thought of either of those things.
Part Two:
ReplyDeleteLet’s fast forward to tonight. I am lying in bed with this computer in my lap and I like myself. I like my hair, I like my smile, I like the way I dress. I may not have self esteem high enough to say I love myself but just the fact that I can say I like myself is a huge feat. It took years of work. This is only recent though, like, in the last week recent. (So this blog is quite fitting…) Over the last 10 years, I have tried dieting, exercising, and wearing clothes that “flatter my shape.” But no matter what kind of results I got, I was never able to begin to accept who I was becoming until I accepted who I am and always will be. I needed to learn to accept the way my eyes get all squinty in pictures, how my butt takes up much more room than most pants anticipate, and how no matter how much weight I lose, I am still going to be the little girl that got tortured, and nothing was going to make that go away.
I would have never been able to make that real for myself though, without this summer. This has been, without any question of a doubt, the worst summer I have ever had. I lost a friendship that I had no intention of losing for light years to come. But it happened. Our downfall hurt me more than those kids in elementary school, but instead of going along with the things they said, I fought back. It may not seem like fighting back helped, and I still don’t have that friend, but it is for the better. Losing them has helped me find myself, and for that I will always be grateful. Just yesterday I was able to accept that I AM really okay with my life, my body, and myself.
Those words still stab me but I can now look past the pain I’ve endured and see my future. I can see the amazing people that surround me and the tight network of support that I have that is there whenever I need it. I can see the potential I have as long as I never give up on myself. I have a long way to go, but I know this first step was the hardest step I’ll have to make. I am ready for the other challenges that I may encounter, but they will not be ‘in my way’. Instead, they will become part of my story, a story about a woman going on a journey.
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ReplyDeleteIn the paraphrased words of Ms. Bunje herself, the scars of words last much longer than any physical assault. They can lacerate and warp your spirit. That is what happened to me. I have been changed by people's words, its not something I'll ever recover from, and to be honest I'm not sure if i want to recover.
ReplyDeletePeople seem to have trouble dealing with differences, and I am a pretty different person. Its no secret, anyone who knows me knows that I'm gay. I'm not really sure why that bothers people but I've been called all the words: queer, homo, "the other F word," even "hell bound degenerate", I wasn't aware people of such high ignorance had such a large vocabulary. I really don't think a straight person knows what its like to be gay, but it can really suck sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love who I am and being gay. Its just the times like when your own dad tells you you're going to hell (in a much nicer way, but the meaning is still the same) when I wish I could be somewhere else, or someone else. Being a stranger in your own household is one of the most painful experiences I've ever gone through. I mean, who the hell do they think they are, these people that judge me? I'm just being true to myself. I'm not going to live a lie just to please the people around me. I suppose I should get down to specifics.
First of all, I live in Port Republic. Most people living here and going to Port school are less than tolerant of alternative lifestyles. I remained in the closest until sophomore year, but that didn't stop their hateful words. I mean, we weren't even in high school, and already people hated something just because it was different. Where does that come from? What the hell is the matter with people? I hated going to school everyday because the people I was with were just so hateful. Then in high school I finally decided to tell my parents because I really didn't want to have to keep things secret from them. I didn't need them to like it, I just wanted them to accept it as a fact. Instead they tried to pretend like I never told them anything. I felt so betrayed by them. I cried that night, until the early hours of the morning when sleep relieved my aching mind. I had lost any emotional connection to my family, so I found family in my friends. I had no trouble with coming out to my friends. In fact most their responses went along the lines of "Well, I could kinda tell..." Chantel McDowell even said "So? I always just assumed that about you." And thats why I love my friends! I'm very lucky to know so many people who love me for who I am. They are the ones that helped me through such difficult times. They made me laugh when I didn't feel like laughing and distracted me when I needed a distraction. Since then things with my parents have gotten better. Its not perfect, but its something we're working on. I don't think anything will ever get me as close to them as I once was though.
I don't want you to read this story and feel bad for me. There's really no need! I am very happy now. I love being gay and I love who I am! You would think that from the way people treated me I would be resistant to getting close to people, but it actually had the opposite effect. I'm very trusting and friendly. I don't hate anyone and I hold no grudges. I have a strong sense of justice and compassion for people who have been mistreated or bullied. Just listen to me when I tell you that other people have feelings. If you only get one thing out of my story, let it be this, no one deserves to be hurt by hateful speech.
Alix, I had no idea about this part of your life. I really know what it feels like to be bullied, and honestly I never really told anyone either. I was embarassed to be the victim, and I look back now and realize how stupid I was for putting up with it. We just didn't know any better. No one deserves to be treated like you were. I hope you know that I'll always be a shoulder you can cry on.
ReplyDeleteI am no hero. I am just plain, old Chrissy Hartzell who spells her last name with a heart. I am that girl who talks way too much for her own good. I am that girl who is beyond the definition of a drama nerd. I am that girl who is completely and overly passionate about the things she truly loves. I am that girl who does not give up. Now that I think about, I guess I am that girl who sees a hero in herself.
ReplyDeleteMy journey has, in essence, been a never-ending struggle with myself. We’ve fought with each other, embraced each other, and comforted each other in times of war.
My parents divorced when I was three years old. My father left my mother alone with three high-maintenance girls. I, being the youngest, really did not know what was to be expected. I hardly even remember a happy family living in one serene and peaceful household. Nope, I’ve always lived in two houses with two completely different atmospheres. Naturally, when divorce occurs between parents, you would expect the child to be grieve stricken, scarred with the thoughts of fighting. Since I was too young to remember these moments, I am not scarred for life, nor do I have any grudge for my parents. However, the divorce that I grew up with was an extremely nasty one, and thus divorce papers were the ones to grieve stricken myself for a very, very long time.
“Chrissy, I hate your mom!” “Chrissy, your dad is sick! Why do you even talk to him?” For as long as I can remember, I have been forced to choose sides. It has basically been, Okay Chrissy, now is the time to decide which parent’s heart to break! Now go! My parents, not realizing what they are doing, are only breaking my heart. They are both my parents, and I love them primarily for that reason. Insults are being thrown at me like arrows, and I constantly have to defend the other side. Court settlements have been held month after month, all because of me. I am living with my mom, but my father wants me to live in his house. So, they go to court and settle it. My father screams in anger as his veins pop in insanity. My mother cries as my step-dad comforts her in his sweaty and pulsing hands. Again, this is all because of me.
(Part 2)
ReplyDeleteMy step-dad lives up to the stereo-typical “evil step-dad” persona, except he can be extremely sweet at times. Because of this, both of my sisters abandoned my mom for my dad, leaving the house to a bittersweet silence. So, without siblings to share woe with, I cried myself to sleep night after night, and relied on myself to become stronger. Arranging divorce settlements to avoid hostility and showing up to court near constant was becoming a no-brainer for me. The divorce has, without a doubt, made me stronger. When my sisters left, I gained the confidence, vigor, and maturity within myself. A divorce can tear apart a family, but it can and will never tear apart my heart. I have victoriously come out of the ashes of sadness.
As a young girl, I never truly understood the reason why my parents fought so often and argued repetitively. As I grew up, I finally understood. It just so happened that my father cheated on my mother. And as I am getting older, I am seeing my father’s true colors. Thus, in order to clear my mind and repair my damage, I have recently decided to lose contact with my father. No, not forever. This will be just until my heart feels it is ready to forgive. There are other reasons that are very recent and way too personal to explain why I wish not to associate with my dad, but let’s just say that the cheating gives a clue onto his personality.
My primary philosophy in life is this: Everything happens for a reason. I know, it is totally cliché, but I am a firm believer in it. Whatever happens to come along my journey will affect me in some sort of way. Some kind of divine force, whether it is some kind of God from up above or just a marvelous spirit, is controlling my destiny. I will take life day for day and minute by minute, and the rest will set in stone. This philosophy has given me the strength to move forward in life and the inspiration to live in excitement.
As the painful memories are becoming absorbed in my mind as I am typing this, I am pushing them away. I am releasing the past. The pre-journey has ended, and has shaped me for all eternity. I will live with these moments and take them along onto my next adventure. Yet, this will never stop me. My past will never, ever stop the hero in myself. I guess all along I was my own guardian angel.
This is going to be really hard to write about... Basically, it all started in 7th grade when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She was in and out of the hospital, affecting me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. We were really close and to be living alone with my dad and brother was just awkward because it was always me and my mom together, then my brother and my dad. I always felt left out of the sports conversations and their little talks because I was just the only girl. Then, my mom became better and we went to Italy together for a soccer tournament. Right when we returned, she got sick again. And as the months went on she got sicker and sicker until her body just couldn't take it anymore. On Saturday, December 13th, 4 days before my mom's birthday, I went upstairs to check on her. She wasn't alive. Thinking of that moment makes me want to throw up and cry. It seriously was the most painful moment of my life, and I think if anyone else had to go through that I would probably feel sick again. Nobody should have to deal with that at 15, or any age....
ReplyDeleteSo, how did I get through it? The answer is simple, it's faith. On her birthday, I walked into the funeral and when I saw all of my friends and teachers and people that I didn't even know there to pay their respects, I knew that I had support of almost all of Mays Landing. I had faith that my mom was such a good person, too, that she was going to Heaven where she can help me get through these hard times. Mentally I told myself that she was ok, and that's all that mattered. As long as she was in a better place with no more suffering I should stop being selfish and be happy for her. Spiritually as a person I became stronger and started going to church with my friends again.
Obviously this isn't something that I wanted to go through, but it has made me stronger as a person. Everything I do now I do for her like my grades, sports, and just everything in general. I have learned to not be so selfish and to be grateful for the little things life brings. My mom never asked to suffer from cancer, but through all of that she raised a family and still tried to work and do EVERYTHING she could to help us be a normal family. My friends all knew how much of a great person she was, and they always tell me they see so much of her in me. I consider that the best compliment ever.
My friends are always there for me when I need them to help me get through the hard times. They cheer me up and help me forget what I'm dealing with when I'm with them. This must have been a little journey for them because I used to be sad a lot and not the same Hannah everyone knew. But now I just put my mom into everything I do because I know she will help me and I do it because she wanted me to. I think of her when I'm doing everything, and some days it's really hard to hold back my tears. But, thanks to my friends and my happy memories, I am able to get through it.
To Krispie: Aw, I basically knew all of that, but when you said how you see other girls playing with their daddys and how you wish you could have done that, that made me really sad for you. Nobody should have had to go through that and it must be hard to even think about the thought that your dad treated your mom like that. In a way I can relate to you in the sense that when I see other kids with their moms, even adults of teenagers, I get really jealous. For a second, I hate that person but then I stop myself and think that I'm lucky in a way. At least the mom I had was awesome and I got to spend 15 amazing years with her. But, luckily you've got a really nice family now to lean on and great friends like me to be there for you!!
ReplyDeleteWell these are just my comments to other
ReplyDeletepeoples' blogs before I write my own blog. I also want to say that everyone let out so many deep feelings that I literally cried in a few and I think it's amazing how well people write when they write about what matters to them. I need to do a ton of thinking before I write mine!
Stephen-
I too, hate how people make fun of others because they're different. I don't know what makes people so hostile towards others who aren't the same as them. I'm so proud of you that you can let the world know who you are and not be afraid of what people think. You need to be a very mature individual to overcome the point in life where you live for others, and you need to live for yourself. You've sucessfully reached this point and honestly, I wish I could do the same. No big deal! You'll always still be my boyfriend!
Alix-
ReplyDeleteHoney, you may feel alone but you're not. I went through the same bull when I was younger, but I had the opposite reaction. I never went along with the jokes or surrendered to the teasing. I remember sometimes going home and crying to my mom because I couldn't mentally handle the abusive words that I endured throughout my childhood. I would walk away and have my whole day ruined by these kids who I so desperately hated. I regret caring so much about what people think but, then again, I endured this from ages 4-12. How the hell was I supposed to not care? I don't feel like I ever went through a process in which I stopped caring, but now I don't care as much what people think. I care a little bit, of course, but now I just learn to move on with it. It's kind've mean but I just look at these people now and think to myself, they're probably going to marry someone really ugly. I know, it's wrong, but whatever.
I think you're gorgeous!
Hannah,
ReplyDeleteYou're blog literally made me cry until my dogs rudely interruptrd by going at each others' throats for food. Anyway, I remember the when we were freshman and I was closer to you than a lot of my other friends. I never met your mom, and she rarely came up in our conversations. With that being said, I remeber the day your mom died clearly. I was wrapping Carly's Christmas presents when I received a text from her and she told me the news. I immediately dropped the scissors and just stared at the phone. After I took in the gist of the message, I started bawling my eyes out for you. My mom asked what was wrong and I told her. She cried too. I texted you and asked if you were okay. You told me you were but I felt horrible. I couldn't sleep that night. Though the death never affected me directly, it taught me to appreciate what I have. I couldn't ever imagine going through that and I don't ever want to, but someday I will. Whatever happens Hannah, just remember how many people were at the funeral to support you and please remember that those people will continue to be there for you no matter what.
JV
ReplyDeleteI'm really impressed with your determination to follow your dreams. A lot of people would give up after going through what you described, but you refuse to let anything hurt your spirit. Perserverance is a great qualitiy to have, just remember to keep your mind open to other things. Sometimes when we are so focused on achieving one goal, we miss something that we'll regret in retrospect (meaning relationships, experiences, et cetera).
Sarah C
Thanks Sarah! It means a lot to hear that!
Comments First:
ReplyDeleteKyle: Oddly enough, I understand a little of what you talked about. It has never been easy for me to talk to my parents or understand why they constantly think my emotional state is so weak. However, I know most people do not want someone else to say they know exactly how they feel because no one else has ever been exactly in your shoes. But I do want you to know that I have been in similar situations and I am here for you if you ever want or need anyone.
Alix L: I read your story and nearly cried. It was horrible that you had to go through such things and that you actually believe you were least than you are. You are a wonderful person and I am glad you know that. In a way, your little jounrney inspired me to not take the things people say to heart.
Kristie: Today you were talking about your step father in Mr. Cervi's class and when someone said something about your father's side, you were quick to say you knew nothing about it. I am so sorry that I did not understand than the pain he has caused you. My older sister has been through similar situations with her father but I will never completely understand how strong you have to be to be able to live past that and accept things that are out of your control. You inspire me
From the second I was able to fathom the presence of my own existence, I knew I was beautiful. Powerfully so. Everybody loved me. I was constantly being praised by my family members. My soul demanded their eyes be only on me, and me alone. Teachers? I won them over with a smile and was elated by the knowledge that, when the year was over, they would miss me. This love was not one-sided. Particularly with teachers, I adored them without bound or reason. I cried when second grade was over. I guess the reason I had this over-attachment to teachers was, well…I really believed they were my best friends. I really believed they cared. I really believed they loved me. I sincerely have always done well in school solely because I wanted to make the teachers smile, and love me more. So, I frolicked through life carelessly, loving myself and loving everyone. When sixth grade was over, my favorite year by far, I felt as if my life was a flower that was on the burst of blooming.
ReplyDeleteThen seventh grade came. This is where I first learned what it felt like to be laughed at. A group of guys in my class constantly taunted me. “Are you going to cry Deanna because you got a B?” “You know Shirley’s smarter than you.” “Hey everybody, I got a higher grade than Deanna!” I hated it. Girls would tease, “What, 100 not good enough for you?” If I did well, I kept it to myself, but they’d take my papers and make me feel horrible for earning a good grade. What made it worse was the teachers that year seemed a little more distant. Maybe they found my willingness to work and learn fake. Maybe I was asking too much in expecting friendship from each of them. Either way, I was alone. I cried. Three or four times a week, I cried and wondered how people could be so cruel. All I wanted was to feel loved. Seventh grade ended and I never even noticed.
Over the summer, something clicked in me. I thought and thought and suddenly, I became a monster. Those words that first brought tears now brought anger. Eight grade was a blur of hatred. I hated him, I hated her, I hated humanity. And yet…in the end I ultimately did nothing but hate myself. Thinking back, I wondered where that beautiful girl had gone. Why did she have to be broken? Why did I have to be left damaged?
And then I met Mrs. Rock. And Mr. Costal. And Mr. Sera. And now, Ms. Bunje. I was just me, and they liked me. I had something personal with each of them that made life seem a little more beautiful. And, during high school, I began to realize that the reason why those relationships are beautiful is because I am beautiful, too. My journey isn’t completely over, because I’m still plagued with numerous insecurities. I always feel the girl standing next to me is better. Prettier. Talking to guys makes me upset because I know I’m not attractive enough.
But I’m not weak anymore. Kale Nagasaki is dangerously powerful, stunning and fierce. Before high school, I wouldn’t have dared utter those words. Now, all I have to do is make myself fully believe them. It’s hard. Really really really hard. But, there are moments when I laugh so loud or smile so sincerely, that I know the six year old Deanna is still playing games within my soul, completely unscathed by anything, and ready to ask my sixteen year old self if I want to play with her.
Alix, I can honestly say that I'm proud to be one of your friends. I admire your courage and the confidence that you've gained throughout your journey. If I was in your position, I don't think I would ever have the strength to just brush it off like that. I feel though that you definitely should've told someone when you were younger so that you'd realize what a truely amazing person you are much sooner. Because I definitely love the farm loving, alligator singing, vegetable singing girl that you are. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks Sarah, what you said really means a lot to me! I never knew that you cried about it, I guess it's just generally a horrible thing for everyone. It's really nice to know that you care so much about me and I'm so glad we've gotten closer throughout the high school years.
ReplyDeletep.s. What you said made me start cryin a little :'(
After reading previous posts, I must admit that I feel like my "journey" is a bit insignificant. But that's the problem, isn't it? Not only do I feel that my journey is insignificant, but I oftentimes feel that I, as a person, am insignificant. I'm not really the best at one thing. Sure, I'm a good student, but at nineteenth in the class, I am much further than it seems from placing first, or even in the top ten. In regard to anything but goalkeeping, I can't stand my body. And that goalkeeping body doesn't even d what I wish it could. I've made the final pool for the state team, only to be faced with injury and beaten out by "Figgy," (that's right, Hannah and Megan, the girl who threw a tantrum and left her glove on our field). I have an uncanny knack for almost reaching the top.
ReplyDeleteAnybody else would probably be satisfied with my aforementioned feats, but I am incredibly driven, which is a great facet of my being, but along with it comes an inability to be satisfied with ANYTHING, including myself. I live according to a few main philosophies. "Always do your best," "You can always do a little better," and "Your best is expected; why reward it?" While these follow a similar theme, they create a vicious cycle that leaves me feeling like I just can't measure up.
Some people are made to feel this way by abusive family members, selittling teachers, downright mean peers, and other crippling circumstances. I, however, am not among those people. Sure, my family has its minor financial woes and my extended family is a more than a tiny bit insane, but I live a life that is pretty darn good. I have tremendous support from my immediate and some extended family, I have had the privilege of training under some of the most skilled and motivational coaches, and I've been blessed with indescribably incredible teachers and mentors. I feel as though I lack a close group of friends, but that doesn't dissolve the amazing "guardians" I've had on my journey to self-acceptance. All of these people, especially my mom who gives herself wholly to her children, have motivated me and guided me down the most oppurtunistic paths possible, and none of them condone my inability to admit and accept my successes when I hint at it.
I am in the midst of my so-called journey to self-actualization. Self-acceptance is simply a path I've encountered in the much-greater journey. I'm definitely improving my self-esteem. I just realized last week when Deanna wrote, "Jourdan Sayers. Success is implied." that my most commonly used method for boosting my pathetic self-esteem is to force myself to be jokingly cocky. "Jourdan Sayers. Success is implied." is so like me to say, but nothing like me at all. Although this is definitely one way I cope with my low self-esteem, it is not the most effective. I'm learning that voicing my doubts in myself to my "guardians," thus allowing them to act as guardians, reinforces the weak pillar of positive thoughts that struggles to hold my frame. When I told my mom that I'm simply not great at any one thing, she got borderline sappy and told me that I'm an amazing daughter. At first, I dismissed it as one of those things that moms are supposed to say, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am well-rounded and I seem to excel in all I do, even if I don't place first. I genuinely care about people and I work hard at anything I have the slightest passion for. I am someone she can be proud of without any stretching of the truth. Clearly, while sitting in true reflection of myself, I can admit positive traits, however this part of my journey will not be complete until I can capture this feeling in my everyday endeavors.
Wow Deanna I honestly never knew you felt like that. Now I feel like a jerk and I'm soooooo sorry if I've ever said any of those things to hurt you. But, you know we said those things because we were jealous and immature. Seriously, just look back at how immature out class was, especially the boys. They're a group of saracastic jerks to this day!! I'd like to apologize right now for anything I've ever said because honestly I never knew it hurt you. And the reason anyone ever said that was because they're jealous. You should be really proud of yourself seriously.
ReplyDeleteDeanna
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're letting all of that hate go. You can keep all of that inside of you! Hate is a bad thing, I went through the same thing. When you focus so much negative thought and energy on someone or something you only end up hurting your self. You ARE beautiful Deanna! One thing I've learned is that 3rd through 8th grade is one of the cruelest age groups ever. I don't know why younger kids seem to lack any sort of empathy or compassion, or for that matter a soul, but people are maturing now that we are in high school. And the people that are still just as heartless won't make it in life. You have people that love you Deanna, myself included!
Jourdannnn! It's way better to be really good at a bunch of little things than it is so have just one main thing you're excellent at. If you think about it, you're really smart (I'm jealous), you're an AMAZING soccer player (you've got good trickery ;)), you're funny, you're outgoing, you're a committed church go-er, and you know how to have a good time and basically make the best of everything. Wouldn't you much rather have all that going for you than just one thing? Some people just have looks or they just have brains or they just have one little thing they're good at. You're way better off the way you are!!
ReplyDeleteAnd your last sentence where you were like "Clearly" I thought it said Cleary and I laughed! See, you're funny without even trying!
Deanna Nardy,
ReplyDeleteI know you don't like that name but it's what I'm calling you. There are times when we argue and times when you always ask me if you're ugly or not. I want you to know that I am dead serious when I say that you are not ugly by any means. Girl, you're one of a kind. There are many things about you that people love and you shouldn't even think about all the stupid idiots back in the past. Embrace everything, you have so much to offer! You know I told you how much I love your hair and that you should always just keep it out and wear it with your head held high. I know that that girl who frolicked through the school is in there somewhere! Just reintroduce her to you once again, and you'll conquer everything!
Kristie A: I have never known this about you, and I’m really glad I had the opportunity to read your comment. I don’t want you to think I’m a creeper or anything, but I always get jealous of you when I see you in lunch and Lang. You really are a beautiful person, and to think about how you laughed at something earlier today shows me strength. You didn’t let the tragedy of your father define your character, which is something humans tend to default to. I’m really glad you love your step-father. That made me smile.
ReplyDeleteKyle S: Having been in your eighth and tenth grade classes, I don’t really know much about you other than you keep to yourself. You’re right, you were vague with your comment, but I think that makes you all the more intriguing. Having no adult figures to guide you, I think you’ve done a pretty amazing job. You’re intelligent and know what you’re talking about. I’ve never dismissed you as self-centered. However, I do believe there are real, surreptitious reasons why you present yourself the way you do. I’m not asking to do it here, but maybe you should explore yourself a little more and share that with somebody, Kyle. I personally will always appreciate your personality, but finding someone who makes you feel comfortable might make your out look on life a bit easier to swallow.
Hannah S: What I love about these blogs are I get to experience what it feels like to know people that I never talked to. Yours in particular, I am so happy I read. First of all, to even write about death so publicly is a feat. My personal reaction to death is to cry alone and make sure no one sees the tracks of my tears. But you? You really are a strong soul. Second, to lose someone that you were so close to and then change that into a strength? I’d hate to bring about a Destiny Child’s reference, but girl, you are a survivor! I’m not a close friend of yours, so these words might not mean as much. But still, you need to be praised. Keep your spirits up and you’ll continue to inspire others as well.
Hannah:
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to fathom what you experienced in regards to your mom. Just knowing her from the Hurricanes, school soccer, and just around the community, I know how wonderful a person she was. When I got the message about her death, I was on Drake Avenue, turning onto my street, sitting in the captain's chair behind the passenger seat of my minivan. I just cried. I didn't get out of the van when we got home. I didn't even unbuckle my seatbelt. Nothing but that seemed to matter. I just said "Mrs. Straub," and I cried. I'm crying now. Again, I can;t possibly imagine how you felt. I admire you for all you've been through and how you manage to keep your postive outlook and faith without diminishing yourself to an emotion-free brick wall. Your mom was an incredibly strong, admirable woman and she clearly instilled those qualities in you.
Thank you so much Stephen, JV and Hannah. I teared up reading those comments. Really. This is why I love high school. You actually care for the person standing next to you. I love you guys! :D
ReplyDeleteDear Bunje,
ReplyDeleteI want to apologize for my future comments on this blog posts because I have a feeling that they're all going to be praising everyone and being all "Oh, I love this..," "I love that..," and "You're amazing!" In all honesty, these people are pretty kick ass if I do say so myself. So, I'm off to blog more all thanks to you.
Love,
JV
I love you too Deanna! I better see your hair fierce and in a fro tomorrow! :)
ReplyDeletePart one:
ReplyDeleteForeword: I am sorry if at parts my blog sounds petty or whiney. I will probably be crying through most of this because it is a hard topic to discuss for me. Although it was many years ago, it still seems like yesterday that it all happened. I believe that just because I am uncomfortable talking about my past does not give me the excuse to use something cheesy that I do not care about. This is something I do believed changed me… And so my story goes…
The day was September 11th, 2001. I was in the third grade and everything seemed perfect. My parents worked all day and so my Mommom raised my brother, sister, and I for the first 8 years of my life. My father worked in Trenton and so he had an apartment there for the weekdays. I only got to see him on Saturdays because he would come home late Friday night and leave mid day on Sunday. My mother worked two jobs. She got home usually around the time I was going to bed. However, my Mommom got home about a half hour after I did and we would spend the rest of the day together. It was always fun with her. We came in from art class and a few teachers left our room with tears. Our teacher had composed herself enough to conduct class until I heard my name called over the loud speaker.
I was getting picked up and that was weird. I had no doctor’s appointment or family event to go to but I was happy none the less. Getting home, my Mommom was already home from work. Neen, a family friend who has known me my whole life, was also home. My sister had gotten picked up from school as well. Even my mother was on her way home. In all this madness, I had no idea what was going on. Finally they told me, The Twin Towers had been hit.
A bunch of people had died, I understood that but I did not see how this affected me in the slightest. All my family was here. No one I knew had died. It was just an accident, no harm meant. How in the world is this something I should care about? …. My father lost his fancy job and so the money was cut short. We had a bunch of people living in my house at the time which made matters worse. My parents began to argue about things and fights between my brother and sister and my father broke out but Mommom always kept the peace.
On February 12th, 2002, my Mommom died in Mainland Hospital. She was brain dead from a stroke and a heart attack—they happened basically at the same time—She has no chance of pulling through. The last time I saw her, she opened her eyes and screamed until they removed me from the room. My sister told me she didn’t know who I was anymore and she probably wanted this stranger out of her room. It was heart breaking but I was only 8 and I did not understand what losing someone meant. Soon I would find out.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteFor the next 8 years I was a wreck. I was a crazy person. I was irrational, antisocial, and just plain mean. By time I reached middle school, I still had not forgotten her. I had cried myself to sleep most nights praying for God to give her back to me all through elementary school. By time Middle school came, I had lost hope in God and in the people around me. I wanted no parts of making friends or letting people see who I was. I shoved my face in my studies and cried behind open books. Some of the kids knew that I had problems, but they just teases me and made me feel completely uncomfortable. Some teachers noticed too but no one cared enough to get me help. Not even my parents.
I finally was allowed to go see a counselor my 8th grade year. She was wonderful. I could talk to her and tell her things. However, everyone already knows me and how hard it is for me to open up to people. It took me three visits to even tell her what was going on at home. Finally, I let her read some of my poetry and she knew right away what was going on. She told my father I had clinical depression and was boarder line suicidal. She said that I thought about hurting myself only to be with my Mommom because the problems at home were too much for a young girl to handle… If you did not already know, the problems at home that I was facing were difficult. My brother had been addicted to a few different drugs. He had stolen all the jewelry in the house and all the money around to support his habit. My sister was pregnant a lot. She was first pregnant at 16 and was pregnant at least 4 other times before having my two nieces. The only reason this affected me is because my parents were on me twice as hard because they were so scared I would end up like my siblings. And that is a hard load to bear…
My father just about through a fit when he found out. He was disappointed in me and couldn’t look at me all the way home. I few days later my sister had told me that I was useless and to just kill myself because my parents had enough trouble. Needless to say, when my parents found out fights erupted and I was no longer allowed to go see my counselor. She was all I had and now my father was too worried about what he looked like to her to continue with my help.
My darkest year was Freshman year. I wore all black and I hated everyone. I talked very little and always looked mad. Honestly, it was to hide the pain I was feeling each and everyday I woke up. I cried a lot this year as well. Now that I think about it, this year was so dark for me, I sort of tuned it out. I cannot remember anything specific from that year at all. I was scared to trust people or get close to them because I knew they would just go away. I had only made two friends since the death of my Mommom by this time and they were both too busy with school to worry about me. I was alone, scared, and depressed.
Part 3:
ReplyDeleteThe summer after my freshman year was when I was completely abandoned by my boyfriend and all my friends. I had never known how dependent I was on those people until that day. I found out that I was looking for myself through them and that was the root of much of my unhappiness. I began a completely 360 turn to become the person I wanted to be. This was the summer where I learned the most about myself and the one where I saw the error of my ways.
I cannot say my journey is completely over yet. I have accepted the death of my Mommom, in a sense, but I still miss her more and more each day. She was everything to me back than and the only person who truly knew the pains of my childhood basically because I had told no one else about the horrors I went through. To this day, she is one of the only people who knows exactly what happened to me before she passed and it died with her. The way I see it now, letting go is not so easy but if you make all your pains go somewhere else instead, it makes it easier for you to let them go. To make that clearer, I had all my pains and horrors buried with her. She told me she could handle them and I know if she could she would have taken them from me. So, I let her take them from me so I could be happy and now I actually am.
Would I have chosen to take this journey and put myself through everything I have been through? Heck No. But I do see the value in what I learned at an earlier age than most. Have I been through stuff that I dare not tell a soul even my follow AP Bloggers? Yes, I am sorry to say. Ever hear the saying, “Knowing the pains someone else has gone through my give yourself nightmares…” It is true and I know everyone needs their sleep to keep up with this hectic schedule. So with this, I say thank you for listening.
Kale: I always love your honesty. I love how you can be so wonderful and still know that you have flaws. You are always perfect to me! =D I love you
ReplyDeleteI love you too Steffi :D
ReplyDeleteYou make blonds seem like smart! xD
Just kidding! Haha, love you.
Deanna Nardy:
ReplyDeleteI've always refused to call you Kale Nagasaki. It's not because I'm a jerk. I feel like Kale Nagasaki may be a wall aside from its outer appearance as a super fun alter-ego. Aside from the fact that alter-egos make me think of Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus, one shallow person/ two shallow people who I would never compare you to, I love Deanna Nardy. You are an amzing person. You're smart, you're athletic, you're beautiful, and you have great hair (no matter what you say about any of those things). Hannah is right. People are immature and jealous and it doesn't take an "AP kid" to see that immaturity + jealousy + middle school = a bunch of jerks.
I'm usually not very expressive about deep thoughts or feelings when speaking. "Let's talk about our feelings," isn't a request I respond well to, but you are one of the few people with whom I have had the oppurtunity to engage in deep (remember that this is relative to my usual self) conversations, so when I say that you're a great person, I'm not speaking of your grades or the number of tennis matches you've won, I'm speaking of the incredible person behind all of that.
Hannah,
ReplyDeleteI've known you for a good amount of time now and I still believe that you are one of the strongest people I know. I had a similar experience to what you had but it's impact was not as great to me as it might've been to you.
When I was around five years old, I was watching tv with my grandfather. He was on his recliner smiling at me as I watch this episode of Scooby-Doo sitting on the floor in front of him. A couple of minutes later, I turned around and suddenly my grandfather started shaking. I didn't have a clue why, but all I know is that my mother pushed me away from him. Ambulances came and took him away. I wanted to come but my mother said they won't allow it. I ended up finding out at the end of the day that that was the last time I would see my grandfather, on his recliner watching me.
I didn't mean to bring up that whole thing and I apologize for mentioning it as it might bring back bad memories. But what you've gone through Hannah and what you've done ever since is nothing short of amazing. I really admire the fact that you're able to progress in life by keeping your mom by yourside, making sure that you accomplish things for her. I'm sure she's very proud of an amazing daughter.
Deanna aka Kale Nagasaki: Again, you are one of the most confient people I know, and again I am inspired by that. When refering to all your high grades, don't refer to it as bullying. Refer to it as jealously, because let's face it, who doesn't want good grades like you? Your first sentence was clearly blunt and beautifully poetic. You, straight off, knew you were beautiful. That is just poise, and I applaud you for it. And you are also confident in calling yourself Kale, and I totally respect you for that. I've called you that ever since I knew you wanted to be called that. Anyways, I just wanted to say how your self-assured voice shone through this blog and I loved it!
ReplyDeleteJourdan- It is really great that you are driven! You are determined to succeed in everything that you put your mind to, and I really unsurprised by that trait (miss treasurer, smarty-pants, pre-calc buddy). The beginning paragraph showed how you sometimes do not have confidence in yourself. You need to know, however, that you can brighten up someone's day by just being your wacky, quirky self! So don't settle for just being normal Jourdan Sayers! You are that star goalie, that funny dancer, and that ultra spirited student. Embrace it!
Kyle- I wish you were more optimistic about life in general. The human race is not all that disappointing as you described. Sure, there are those selected fews who make us look like fools, and there are some that could never be trusted. But losing your complete faith in people is just giving up. Giving people a chance will help you through your journey. You can't finish your journey without the surrounding people to help you. Smile, be happy, and enjoy the people around you. I mean, I'll come up to you sometimes and say "Hey Kyle!", to which you just give me your regular blank expression. I'm not mocking you, nor am I purposely trying to annoy you. I am just simply saying hi.
ReplyDeleteSaying hi back won't hurt your already "crap" life.
For a few hours or so, I've been stumped with the thought of, Well, what journeys HAVE I've embarked?. The fact is, is that my life has been far from dysfunctional, dark and depressing. I mean, of course I've dealt with problems-- who hasn't?
ReplyDeleteHowever, ironically, there is this one memory that will always pain me immensely. All of my feelings, emotions and thoughts on this memory are all truths, and no lies.
"Bella, I'm breaking up with you."
Suddenly, my whole entire being shattered right then and there. My heart was pulverized into pieces, as my intestines seemed to have dropped to ground. There was a point where my lungs tightened up, and I stuck with a runny nose, blood-shot eyes and an insufficient amount of oxygen. Shaken, exhausted and in my delirious state of mind, I hallucinated that night.
The Mourning after, I still found myself in his stupid striped sweater. I still saw the pictures of us on the night-stand. I figured it was all a dream, until I saw the twinkle in his old necklace laying on my bedroom floor. This was reality.
For the first two weeks or so, I was a complete wreck. I couldn't handle it.
Not only was he my boyfriend, but he was my best-friend. The first two weeks were rough, as I ran with far from sufficient amount of sleep. I think there was a point where I didn't sleep for two days, or at least certainly felt like it.
Every night, I was sleeping with a Ghost. Every night, his words echoed in my head.
Every night, I stared at the moon and muttered, 'Fuck.'
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletep.s. I know that this High-School Love may seem so petty and naïve to anybody, but the thing is is that I know how this feels, and it feels pretty damn real to me.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm a completely good pretender.
ReplyDeleteWell, those next two and a half months were, well, interesting and bizarre. I was often bombarded from friends and friends' friends, about the soap opera of my life.
Of course, they coached me through my pain, and strife when I would randomly bring it up, but at that point, I just wanted to try to forget. And so, I was still alone in the sense that nobody truly understood my pain.
And instead of just forgetting, well... those next two months consisted of random hook-ups just to feel loved, alcoholic beverages for my weekend dinners, and an addiction to sleeping pills (but none of the last two used simultaneously). *Don't worry, all of that is over, I promise.*
In between all of those things, I adapted myself to, for the most part, be OKAY, not happy, but just OKAY.
But that was certainly far from victory because the unoccupied times were definitely the loneliest, and they seemed to last forever. So, at least, the moon was my only witness to behold such a pathetic Isabella Pair of Legos.
And eventually, on a particular night when feeling extraordinarily silly, I found myself awaking in this dream, surrounded by a corn-field. Pushing through the tall grass like some smokey air, there was a point where this bursting light engulfed me completely. Slowly, but surely, those light-dots (in pastel) faded one by one, and eventually I could grasp my surroundings.
And there it was, in front of the pink sunset, was a silhouette on a (playground) spinning mary-go-round. As I crept up closer, the mary-go-round began to slow down, and eventually stopping to me. There he was, My freckled-face boy, inviting me to sit around. Eventually, I saw us, heads touching heads, spinning round and round. It was a feeling of friendship, and nothing else more. We laughed, and talked, but it was inaudible. Though, instead, I heard my real old memories. And then this song on piano played in my mind. And then those damn pastel light dots came back one by one, and I was engulfed into the light. And then, and then... I heard his voice. Wake up.
That dream, in fact, led me to victory. All of it was a metaphor for something that made sense. The light, his voice, everything. I was being enlightened into Waking back up into reality, instead of this zombie-fied state of mind that I kept myself in.
I was being a child. I was abusing myself to do things that weren't even okay, even if I was feeling depressed.
And so, I woke up into reality, and life started to unravel into Victory. I could have dealt with everything better, if I hadn't been so immature. Everything worked out for the best because I did grow up, and I did learn things such as to have a stronger will-power. The will-power was the only thing I lacked in this journey to begin with. And no matter what happens, it will remain with me forever. And no matter what happens, I'll just keep truckin' on.
Stephen:
ReplyDeleteI’m about to sound like a backwoods nobody who’s been living under a rock all her life, so please forgive me. In my earlier years, I had little to no experience with the concept of being gay. At Green Bank, African Americans were a novelty (we had one or two—maybe—the whole time I spent there) and Asians, Hispanics, lesbians, gays, and, well, liberals were even harder to come by. Given, I interacted with a more mixed population outside of school but even so it was not until I came to Oak that truly received any “cultural education” worth mentioning. Needless to say, I’ve learned to be accepting of everyone, no matter what color skin they may have or what their beliefs may be. You’re one of the great people I’ve met at Oak who have helped to shape my positive view of those who are “different”. I don’t look at you and think “eww he’s gay”, I think “he’s Stephen and he’s a great guy.” So from the bottom of my heart, I’m happy to see that you have embraced yourself for who you are and that you are strong enough to not hold grudges after how you’ve been treated.
While I'm working on my actual blog, I have to share this quote. I thought it would be appropriate since we're on the subject of journeys... Anyway, it's been one of my favorites since I spotted it in my Oakcrest tracker (yes, really) freshman year. Enjoy:
ReplyDelete“It’s good to have an end to journey toward; but it’s the journey that matters, in the end.”
-Ursula K. LeGuin
Thanks Jessie, I live in a pretty woodsy, undiverse area of South Jersey also, so I know what its like to not experience different kinds of people. What it all boils down to is that we're all just people, so our differences should really matter. I hope that makes sense, I don't think I'm explaining my point very clearly, I just don't know any other way to say it haha.
ReplyDeleteOh and is that quote a proper example of chiasmus? :)
Sorry! That should say "our differences shouldn't really matter"
ReplyDeleteGotcha Stephen. ;) And yes, I *think* that's chiasmus-- wow you're good, I didn't even think about that!
ReplyDeleteStephen W,
ReplyDeleteWell to start off steve I met you in spanish class freshman year and we've been friends ever since maybe not a tight as some but friends none the less. Everytime I'm around you theirs always that one ignorant person sitting next to me who whispers "oh is that the gay kid".(Even though i am straight) You have no clue how much this pisses me off people dont even think about youre personality, they immediately judge you and jump to conclusions about what kind of person you are. It just shows how sick our world is today people label you as though somethings wrong, when your just being yourself I applaud you and all youve been through youre will power is truely remarkable.
(p.s.) when you become a major politician you better advance gay rights in this country!
Jon your comment to Steve has greatly altered my view on your personality (for the better)
ReplyDeleteJon W
ReplyDeleteThank you Jon, you have know idea how much your response means to me. A lot of times straight people think that because they aren't gay it isn't their problem, but I'm so glad you understand that its a reflection of the environment we're living in, so it really affects everyone. Reading your comment made me so happy, because even though we've known each other for so long I've never really talked to you about this.
After a few minutes of smirking at how fun it would be to preach about my masterful method of conquering life, I knew I could not go through with it. The meaninglessness of it would eat away at me, because it would be a lie. I pride myself on being able to thrive in the moment, without the cords and IV’s of the past and future. I have a difficult time believing there is a path. However I can certainly see the dense forest ahead. My life has never seemed to conform to a cycle or pattern. It sometimes manages to beat like waves against the Earth or soar through the clouds, but never is it something so rational or organized. How can I fit losing people I love, caring about people who hurt me, and running away from my fears into such a neat little diagram?
ReplyDeleteA few days ago, a drawer in my desk broke. Papers, scraps, and memories fluttered all around me. Things I could have sworn I had forgotten ambushed me. I was home alone, but I felt humiliated facing my old mistakes. Seconds later I was glowing with pride at moment so wonderful I will never deserve them. A yearbook flopped open to a page where everyone scratched “Don’t change” in cute handwriting. I have changed. I don’t care if they know it. I will yell it out for the whole world to hear. Although I am sure I thought I knew it all then, I am far wiser now. Every day I notice how much greater my perspective and understanding are. I am not always sure how I got here. I probably could not tell you if I fought against the tide to stand here among you or if Jonah’s whale spit me up on this shore. However I can never doubt that I have gone through many experiences that have left me a better person.
When time strips away plans and false predictions, we can clearly see the fact that we do not have a choice. It doesn’t matter whether you but a ticket or not, you are in for a journey. Try laying in bed all day and thinking about nothing, even that is an experience that will shape you. However people who dare to shape the journey are the ones who make a difference. Stretch it into an oval, bend it into a square, or fold in and crumple it up in your pocket so you can take it with you everywhere. Life has meaning. Always. It is up to you to take up that meaning as your cross or let it be your wings. The path can be rough, lonely, or nonexistent. Still, you can always go further and grow more. The greatest assets I have are my ability to believe in this and my insight to see the light through the thickest of branches. There will be companions to hold your hand, guides to push you, and guardians you will never even be aware of. Ultimately it is your journey. Do with it what you wish.
This is obviously an awfully prickly subject for me to touch upon but in the end I believe it will be more then worth it. Every day my freshman year I experienced mind- blowing experiences, in the sense that I was very young to handle all the situations thrown my way. My life has just been a misfortunate event surrounded by teasing and tons (and tons) of piles of tears. It never bothered me until I hit the 8th grade. I believe it’s because I turned thirteen and reality none the less began to kick in. From ages 5 to 16 I was made fun of day in and day out because of every characteristic I can possibly think of. I’ve never been the beautiful girl or the fun girl. I’ve always been the crazy one with a gut you could use as a punching bag. I can’t even say that I’m fully over it because I think about it every day. I’m the one person with the lowest self esteem in the world. It’s crazy to even believe that I have the guts to talk to new people. I can’t go a day without thinking my friends don’t really like me, well at this point it’s absolutely true.
ReplyDeleteGoing into my Freshmen year I suffered from severe bulimia, I’ve never once told anyone including my ex-boyfriend or grandmother whom I am really close to, besides my Mother. It’s as if your head fills up with blood and your stomach is literally lying on the tips of your toes. I went to therapy and what not, it’s basically gone now. I’m still severely self conscious but I’ve found other ways to deal with how I feel. I just wanted control, any type of control. I’ve never felt like I have fully grasped on to anything in my life besides controlling my intake of food. I was a product of insecurity which soon led to wrist banging, not for self harm but for the numbness my arm would get, I’d try every single way I could to punish myself when I didn’t meet my standards. This is all taking care of trust me; I’ve realized what a toll it’s taken on me and my surroundings.
Bulimia has affected everything in my life; I am now unable to keep steady relationships because my friends aren’t as supportive as I’d like them to be. I don’t expect them to fix anything; I just want a reassuring smile once in a while. I deal with this disorder every day of my life, not in a physical way but in a mental/emotional sense. To keep my mind off of things I’ve found peace in being committed to my spirituality in the sense that I mediate and follow a lot of practices of Buddha. Every night before I go to bed I make sure everything is clean and fresh, it gives me the sensation of a new start. I also paint which takes off a lot a stress, it relaxes me to the greatest extent. Also doing self spiritual hypnosis greatly cleanses my soul and makes me feel free. Self hypnosis is almost equivalent to Meditation, it just brings you deeper into your mind and you only focus on your breathing for a brief moment or two, but most importantly you have to keep your mind set on the certain things you want to achieve for example eternal happiness then you branch off to each solid thought.
I’ve learned a lot over the past three years on how to test my limits and most importantly figure out what type of person I want to aim to be. My friends have fully given up on me but I’ve learned that I shouldn’t depend on anybody.
Shelly, you have no idea how much that means to me. thanks so much!
ReplyDeleteSteve, thanks and always remember theirs strength in numbers, and you have plenty of friends. =]
First my responses to everyone:
ReplyDeleteHannah: I just want you to read my blog. Like every time I hear your story it brings back my memories, and just makes me love you all the more. I hope you're doing good, we haven't really talked about things in awhile. I just care about you and admire your strength on a daily basis. You're always so fun and I'm just jealous of your free-spirit and abilities to be so "super women". Love you girl!
Shelly: Every time I read your blogs I just gain more and more respect for you. You're such a strong person and I can tell you're on the road for the better. Don't beat yourself up cause you seem like a smart girl. I hope we can become better friends.
Alix: Girl I never knew that about you. You are defiantly heading for the better and I hope life for you is, cause you deserve it. I know admire your free spirit and I hope you don't change. You're so fun and bubbly and I love your self-confidence more than ever. Stay this way!
So, for the first time, I have read everyone’s blog. I have on thing to say: bless all your hearts. Some made me cry, some made me proud, and I found myself cheering inside for everyone! But well, my blog is going to be nothing like that. Let me do the honors of attempting to cheer you all up:
ReplyDeleteFor everyone, this blog was hard to write because it brought back memories, for me it’s hard to write because I don’t have that one dominant life changing factor in my life. I’ve because been trotting through life taking everyday one step at a time. So my life in one word has been: blessed.
My parents are still married and have been for 15 years. I have a good house, a great family. I get along with my sister and my friends are pretty much my second family. I made varsity soccer my freshmen year, I’ve gotten descent grades, my parents don’t believe in grounding, and all this good stuff. I can’t find anything wrong. So, the last thing I want to do is get preachy, but I thank God every night before I go to bed for the life he has given me. I’m a strong believer in him (but I don’t judge people for not. I’m not a hit people upside the head with the bible kind of person).
But with all this good you’re probably wondering how I got the way I am. Well, ever since I was little I would listen to people grown ups conversations and even though I couldn’t talk I make mumble noises and nod my head and laugh with everyone else laughed; so I have always had a big interest in what people were talking about; gossip, their stories, their problems, etc. So mostly what I have done to get through life is listen, and then I let that mold me.
My day by day emotions is really affected by what people say. If you ever see mad or upset, it’s 90% percent of the time because someone is mad at me or said something to make me upset. I really care what people think of me. It’s tough and most people would say that I get walked all over by people, but that’s because I’d rather just give in and man up than sit there and take crap. And the other 10% is how my friends are feeling. Let me set you up:
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteAs you read, Hannah’s mom died. I was the first person she called. I felt important, I felt like her best friend. But most importantly I was upset and filled with compassion for my friend. So in that moment I got in my car and went over there. I wanted to be her rock (but I turned into a pebble when I was at the viewing, I cried for hours and went home and apologized to my mom for anything I did to her.), I spend nights talking to her about it, and that affected me. My grades suffered and I was sad for her all the time. She doesn’t know this, well now she will, but I worry about her several times a day and I have prayed for her several nights. But really what I learned, is that I’m not just her rock, but I’m mostly everyone elses. When my sister was depressed she came to me, and talked to me and I was there for her. Bella went through her break-up and I remember her calling me. My friend Gabby Parent had her daily drama, and I was there for her. I want all the younger girls to look up to me, I want to be everyone’s go to person. I know I’m young to say I have found my purpose in life, but I have; helping people and being there for people.
I’m this way because I’m so blessed, so I want everyone else to just cheer up Charlie and be happy and find the finer things in life. I love to help people and be there rock, so that’s why I am the way I am. My journey is lived through what I see and hear and witness. I have been sculpted into a person because I care so much. Yes, it gets stressful and I need to focus more, but I’m at my happiest when everyone else is. I’m Megan Sherman because you all let me. You have all your problems, but know I’m listening and learning from you. I’m learning not from the experiences I have (because there really isn’t one), but right now I’m changing because of your stories and the impact they have left on me. I respect you all and I hope everything gets better and I hope you all find someone you can go to like my friends have found in me.
Thank you Chrissy and Jourdan. <3
ReplyDeleteTo Meg: Thanks Meg and thanks for worrying about me. That really means a lot to know that a lot of people care about me. And you're pretty lucky about your life, but I know it can be sometimes hard to be the person people go to with problems. That can stress you out, I'm sure. You've basically heard it all and been a supporter through everything, and you're a good rock. Keep it up!!
ReplyDeleteTo JV: Thanks so much and wow yea that must have been really hard! Especially at 5 year olds, that's horrible. But I'm sure it made you a stronger person and you should always know he's there for you when you need help or need some inspiration think of him and how you want to show him how good you are at things :) You guys are all the best
ReplyDeleteHannah: Thanks girl! It was for you
ReplyDeleteTo Deanna: Trust me, that meant a lot. I know we haven't talked in a while but I really admire you too with the way you dealt with your past and those childhood jerks. And again, if I ever said anything I'm sorry. Just to hear that I'm doing ok helps me do more ok. Sometimes I think that I'm not doing as good as I can be dealing with this all, but when I hear this it makes me feel so much better. Thanks Deanna <3
ReplyDeleteShelly, I love you, I hope you know that. I'm always here for you, and I'll always believe in you. Call me.
ReplyDeleteMeg- I hope we become good friends this year :}
ReplyDeleteYour entry was really heart touching , I can really relate to this because I am always the person that people depend on to be there crutch, whether they want me to or not. But what I've noticed so far in my life is that sometimes I need to take a step back and be there for myself and let people deal with there problems on there own for a while. You are a great friend for being there for everybody and I'm sure your friends agree with me. You're making a change whether you see it or not, keep up the positivity megs.
People who know me well (there aren’t many) know that I like to tell stories. Usually, they’re really long, and most of the time they don’t really have much of a purpose at the end. Although I can’t help but feel that this might be the same way, I’ll try my best to describe what I’ve gone through so far.
ReplyDeleteMy brother is seven years older than me. He went through school, life, and everything else way before I ever had to. And although that was a good thing, having someone to ask questions and seek advice from, I always felt like I had a huge burden placed on my shoulders by people’s knowledge of him. My brother is a very charming, outgoing, happy, funny, smart, amazing person that everyone loves. I, on the other hand, am not.
When I first showed up to kindergarten (preschool doesn’t really matter… who wants to hear about coloring things?) I was almost immediately picked out as one of the “gifted” ones. When I think about it now, it was probably because of my brother. Truth be told, I showed up to kindergarten not knowing basic math, or numbers, or how to do just about anything. But despite all that, the day that the teacher I would grow to love (I’ll talk about that later) showed up to select the “gifted” children, I was chosen along with a handful of other children.
To this day, I still have no recollection of what they did with us, other than make us color in drawings with those weird, flat crayons. All I know is that from that day on, I was pulled out of class to do “smart” things, leaving the other children to have fun with everyone else. Apparently, I never disappointed, because never once was my intelligence questioned. (Actually, people would agree with me on just about everything, even if it was wrong. And this was in kindergarten…)
As I went through school, nothing was really all that hard, as I’m sure it wasn’t for just about every current AP student. By fifth grade, I had acquired quite a reputation, which probably ended up doing me more harm than good. However, in fifth grade occurred the event that changed the rest of my middle school years. As a few people know, I won the Mullica, county, and tri-county spelling bees that year, becoming the first Mullican ever to go to the National Spelling Bee in Washington, D.C. (you know, the one that ESPN shows every year?) And even though I lost quite pitifully, people’s opinions of me completely changed.
I was in the paper a whole bunch of times, my teachers put signs in their window expressing their support, and everyone suddenly knew me. That may seem good, but it really wasn’t. At that time, and on through eighth grade, I was a rather overweight child. Suddenly, I found myself in a really bad situation. I was the nerd of the school, while also being fat and really weird. People started picking on me. I had very few friends. People taunted me, asking why I didn’t get a 100 on every test, and bothering me when I did. Everyone refused to associate with me from then until high school. This may seem cruel, but to be blunt, I may have very well deserved it. To be honest, I was a cocky, know-it-all jerk to everyone. I guess being told I was brilliant so many times probably went to my head a little. But regardless, this is when things began to change.
I saw high school as a new beginning. I was tired of being picked on, so I shut up. I shut my personality away from everyone else, creating a shell that I still reside in to some degree. A lot of people have tried to crack it, and some have actually succeeded. There are people that I am myself around, for the most part. But until I’m really familiar with someone, I don’t let anything out. People see me as pretty dull, and to be honest, that’s way better than what they thought of me before. I don’t know what people think of me. I wonder sometimes, and like everyone else, I want to be loved, appreciated, and cared for. But I would rather be neutral to most people than hated by many.
ReplyDeleteEverything that happened at Mullica made me really insecure. I wasn’t always like this, but it’s a part of me I can’t shake now. I’m paranoid. Every time I hear someone laughing, I think that it’s at me. I think people think I’m weird, even if they don’t. I feel insignificant. And it feels like any time I try and open up to someone, I just fail completely. I can tell them how I feel, but then they really think I’m weird, so I just don’t. I’m quiet for a reason.
But don’t think I’m depressed. I’m not, but whenever I talk about this it always comes out that way. I’ve never had any major problems in my life other than my fight with myself, and I feel bad for even putting this on the same page as people who have had horrible tragedies befall them. And one thing that I do know is that at no point have I ever lost faith in the basic goodness of people, like Kyle apparently has. I believe in everyone else. I just don’t believe in myself.
There’s a lot I left out here, and I could probably replace some of the really insignificant stuff with far more interesting details. However, I think I’ve gone on way too long about this. I’m number seven in our class, and I think I’m pretty happy about that. (Another thing: I don’t want to be number one. I hate the very thought. I would have to make a speech!) I’m okay with myself. And this was probably way too long… did this make any sense?
And Jourdan S: Wow, you telling me how you knew exactly where you were is just like Sarah Chamberlain said she remembers exactly what happened and exactly what she was doing. It's one of those moments you'll never forget. Not comparing any death to 9/11.. but seriously everyone remembers that just like they remember hearing about my mom. That just makes me feel proud to have a mom with such an impact on people. At first I thought writing about this was a bad idea and I was going to pick something else like moving or whatever but doing this has really helped! Thanks again Jourdddddd <3
ReplyDeleteSteve my phone is broken tranny, I'll call you in a little but text me
ReplyDeleteLucas you make tons of sense. You seem like a very unique person. "Silence is the loudest voice out there". Out of everybody in our class last year you were the on person that I was dying to get to know. From what I hear you're really funny and great to talk to. You only have two years of high-school left, you need to break free even if its awkward/uncomfortable. I know what it's like to be insecure and think people are laughing at you when they truly aren't. You're very intelligent and I'm sure if you spoke a little more to people they would see the sweet outgoing guy deep inside. Don't let fear get in the way of you living your life you want to live it.
ReplyDeleteStay positive, you got this Lucas.
you living your life the way you want to live it ******
ReplyDeleteShelly: Thanks, all I wanted to do was light up the mood a little bit. Because I said I like to make people feel better, so I'm glad you think my blog was heart touching. Means a lot.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most defining events of my 16-years-and-counting journey through life struck me out of the blue as I approached my third birthday. After noticing that something was “off” with my right eye, my parents took me to see a pediatrician. They soon learned that a tumor (called an “optic nerve glioma”) was growing rapidly behind the eye. Initially, doctors expressed concern that, in order to stop the tumor, my eye itself would need to be removed. Fortunately, I was referred to Children’s Hospital of Pennsylvania (CHOP), where a dedicated team from their neurosurgery, ophthalmology, and reconstructive surgery departments devised a plan for removing the tumor while leaving my eye in place.
ReplyDeleteThe surgery went according to plan and my recovery progressed more or less uneventfully. Although I was fortunate enough to keep my eye, I was no longer able to see through it. Additionally, the surgery damaged some of my eye muscles (such as those that make my pupils contract when I step out of Oakcrest’s dim halls into the afternoon sun). As a result, my right eye has looked a bit strange ever since, never in synch with my left eye. For example, the pupils of my eyes don’t follow each other perfectly, and when I come in from the bright light it takes my right pupil longer to adjust. While I remember little of the time that elapsed between discovering the tumor and undergoing surgery, the effects altered my entire being. For better and for worse, I would never be the same happy-go-lucky youngster again.
As soon as I grew old enough to realize that my eye looked weird, my self-confidence plummeted. I became very conscience of my bad eye and took care to hide my face after coming in from or going out into the sunlight. In 5th-8th grades, the time when my class mates and I started having serious crushes and paying closer attention in general to physical appearance, I had an especially rough time. My Green Bank friends will recall that a large chunk of hair was quite purposely kept over my eye at all times. I never thought of myself as remotely attractive and cursed my grotesque reflection. My poor self image grew like an ugly weed, soon encompassing not just my feelings about my eye but also my image of my face in general. I grew to hate my glasses and unruly curls, choosing to ditch the specs in favor of a pathetic squinting habit (my poor attempt to see) and to bring out the straightening iron. I didn’t take refuge in anyone and suffered quietly through my years at Green Bank.
When I got to Oakcrest, I remained extremely self conscious through freshman year. However, when sophomore year came along and the AP workload hit, and I had more important things to worry about than whether or not I loved my face. Instead, I focused my efforts on making it through the year with grades intact. To my pleasant surprise, the less I thought negatively about myself, the easier it was to accept me for who I was. Sure, my eye still looked a little funny, but nobody is supposed to be perfect, right? I brought back my glasses, brushed the hair away from over my eye, and saw myself clearly for the first time. Today, I have come to accept that I’m no supermodel. Although I still throw the occasional grimace at my reflection, I have learned that there are more important things in life than whether or not you have a perfectly matched pair of eyes. I try to focus on being successful both in and out of school and playing up the more positive aspects of my physical and mental beings.
ReplyDeleteI don’t love my face, but because I have come to terms with imperfection, I have realized that there are some things in life that I really do love. I love riding my horse, genuine laughter, the smell of fresh rain… These things and others are too precious to be overshadowed by a negative self image. What’s more, I appreciate the positive aspects of my surgery even more now—that I can see through my left eye and that I’m still here to tell this tale. So many things could have gone wrong—I could have lost my entire eye, the surgeons could’ve accidentally damaged my brain (to preserve my eye itself, they actually had to go through the top of my head past my brain), or the tumor itself could have killed me. Because I survived the experience and overcame the majority of my self-image issues, I’ve become more confident and mature as a person. No matter how traumatic going through major surgery as a three year old was and coping with the effects of it throughout my young life has been, I’ll always appreciate the positive qualities I have gained from the experience.
Jon Williams,
ReplyDeleteWhy are you so awesome? Haha.
Jessie: I really admire your story and the one thing I love about high school is how you can kind of reinvent yourself in a way. So I hope you see the good things in yourself. No one is perfect, but hopefully you see what may seem like an "imperfection" to you could be something beautiful to someone else. If I couldn't have straight hair, I would love big poofy curls. So it make me happy you found the delights in your surgery, but there are more too and you're smart enough to figure out that.
ReplyDeleteDeanna N: I know how you feel about the taunting thing. People didn't leave me alone! It really sucks... And it's far more admirable to approach it the way you do, being yourself, than the way I do.
ReplyDeleteKyle S:I guess I'm guilty of trying to forget about things rather than deal with them too. And I find it sad that your parents don't support you. Honestly, you're a lot smarter than me, and I know you would do better than me if you had the support I've had. Honestly, with all the support my family gives me, I should do way better than i do. I'm really lucky, and I just need to stop caring so much about what other people think about me.
Bella: I feel stupid right now. After reading that, most of my problems seem terribly insignificant. Break ups suck (I'd know... for those few of you who know what I'm talking about) but I've never been so depressed as to get hooked on pills. I've never even smelled alcohol in my life, let alone drank it. I have a newfound respect for you for getting through all of that.
I agree with JV. Why ARE you so awesome Jon Williams? Hahah
ReplyDeleteShelly: Who'd you hear that from? I don't even think I'm funny, so it shocks me that someone else does...
ReplyDeleteWell Dylan told me and Jourdan likes you as a person and she has really great taste in people.
ReplyDeleteWow lucas, this has nothing to do with anything but i do remember our good times at mullica and not once did you strike me as cocky. Yesterday i opened our 6th grade year book and was suprised to only see five names in it. It took me a while to figure out why, because all my other yearbooks are filled. So i finnaly came to the conclusion that i bought my yearbook late. So back to the yearbook, i opened it and whos name do i see. Lucas, well to be exact it said plavyn, lucas. It got me thinking about all the good times we had back in mullica (art class) haha. I had no clue what you were going through and we talked almost everyday.
ReplyDeleteI read every post on here and some really touched me, some made me cry, and some made me smile.
ReplyDeleteWe have all been through so much, and no matter how much it may have sucked we should all be thankful for who we are and what we have today.
I'm going to post my blog tomorrow but i wanted to say that =]
Lucas,
ReplyDeleteYou opening up to this blog is such a big step in starting a new beginning. I think though that being closed up is not the best way to go. High School is about developing yourself and experiencing what is has to offer. Life, I believe, is somewhat like that but not completely. Dude, speak your mind. You'd probably have so much interesting stuff to say and no one will ever hear it unless you shout it out. (Well, don't to it literally cause you know how teachers get about indoor voices.) I still remember freshman year in Ms. Cathey's third period class that you had some pretty funny things to say. People will love you and appreciate you if you open yourself up.
I know what you're talking about though when you hear people laughing and you automatically think they're talking about you. I'm exactly the same way. The way I deal with it, is that I just tell myself that they don't know me and I don't care about them so I don't care about anything they say about me. (If that made any sense at all.)
In the gist of it, I found that High School has lead me to so much oppurtunities in which I've found so many people that share the same interests as me. I've found people that I will probably never forget even when we all part ways. As Shelly said, we only have two (not even) years left, make the best of it!
Jon: That's the thing that worries me. One, I probably took things a little too hard. Two, that post was probably a little more terrible sounding than it needed to be. I didn't go home and cry myself to sleep each night... I just didn't like the way things were. And I just realized, the people that hated me were mostly the people that weren't very smart... Oh well. It's not like I totally lost myself. I'm just way more reserved now. And I remember too: Mr. Johanssen! (pretty sure it was music class... man, that class was boring)
ReplyDeleteLucas - I am really glad you view different from Kyle. It seems clear that you have low-confidence. You don't know what people think, but what does it matter? Don't care what other people think, and don't be paranoid. Be yourself, even if that means coming out of your shell. I mean, you are already half way down high school. But i'm glad you are happy with yourself, but perhaps you aren't expressing that publicly. I totally understand why you put yourself in your "shelled" situation, and I congradulaet you for getting through that chaotic time period. So, if this doesn't really make sense to you, I just wanted to say that you have no reason to be paranoid, or down on yourself, because you are probably just as good (or even greater) than your brother!
ReplyDeleteShelly - wow. That was extremely brave of you in admitting your very personal problem. I know where you're coming from, and I hope you recover from this, although it can be very difficult. Either way, I love how you choose Budha's teachings to flush out any negative energy inside of you! Your mind will come at ease once you one to grips with it! As for the bullying, I know it must be tough thinking back to it everyday. (I have been there). Confidence is key, which is something I lack, but I know a fierce and outgoing girl like you has in inside! If it gives you confidence, I think you are a funny, peaceful, unique, and sassy red-head. Yourself should be your best friend, but don't give up on your friends. Just depend on the ones you can trust. Thank you for sharing your journey and opening up. :)
Jessie- You're experience of finding your inner-confidence is truly inspiring. I am so glad to hear you accept yourself, and that life, in general, is just great. We all have bumps in the road, but that won't stop us from pursuing our goals. You'll come out of the journey with a smile only if you bring you're optimism around. Yes, you have that divine happiness. I don't see you very often, but when I do, you always seem to be smiling. Even at 4-H, you seem to be having the most wonderful time, even if you are voluteering those many hours as a ring steward.
Alix- I would have never guessed you went through those experiences in elementary school. This is because when I met you in 8th grade, my basic first impression was "Wow, this girl is so outgoing and funny!" You are one of the most confident and determined people I've met, and you, as many others, are inspiration to me. The Alix I know now would not take the crap those silly little kids threw at you! I am glad you have said "you like yourself", because it is a saying I also struggle with daily. Thank you for sharing that personal story, and if I went to elementary school with you, I would have stuck up for you and stepped on little Zachary's foot. If you want to be Queen, then be Queen!
ReplyDelete** By the way, I also read everyone's. I wish I could respond to ALL of you, because I honestly believe every single one of your journeys are inspiring. I am so fortunate to know you guys, and I can't wait to see how all of our journeys unfold. :)
Lucas,
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the people in our class (of 2011, not just our itty bitty 11th period, haha) that I have always wanted to get to know. I love being friends with intelligent, interesting, and funny people. As Shelly stated before, you really are funny whether you realize it or not. I think it's your sarcastic nature because I've always appreciated sarcasm, my dad is the king and I've grown up with it my whole life. ANYWAY, I really hope that you can embrace who you are and gain the confidence that others WILL enjoy talking to you without being afraid that you sound weird, cocky, or insignificant. Because even though I barely know you, I can tell you are not any of those things.
lucas,
ReplyDeletewell maybe in music but we drew his house in art(attic) hahah
Bella:
ReplyDeleteHigh school love is far from petty. Although I’ve never been through a break up, I’ve experienced the intensity of such relationships through friends’ tales of love and woe. When two people are involved in a relationship, no matter how old they are or what others say, their lives become intertwined and, understandably, it’s hard to let go. I applaud you for finding the strength to move on and to get past the pills—I would have had a whole lot of trouble trying to do that. You’ve always struck me as a very fun, outgoing person. I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone special when you’re ready.
Chrissy - thank you so much! I think I am finally becoming on the inside the outgoing person I am on the outside. As I look back know, a part of me can't let go of what has been said and done to me, but there is a newer, bigger part that has finally realized that they were stupid little snots. Haha. Back then, I would have loved to have a Chrissy there then to stomp on the snots feet! But since you weren't, I'm more than happy to embrace that I have THE Chrissy by my side NOW! <3
ReplyDeleteStephen W. -
ReplyDeleteBeing proud and open about what you are shows extreme confidence and poise. The haters are no good. You are your own unique person, and the others who disagree do not matter. It is your choice to love who you want, and I really do respect you in dealing with those daily haters who enjoy picking on innocent people. I am also extremely glad to hear you're happy and you're very gay, for it should never, under any circumstance, be something to be ashamed about! The hateful and uneccessary speech can be scarring words that may end up dragging behind you as you go forth on your journey. However, you are a strong, smart, and outspoken person, and I feel like you will go far in life, and those judgers will regret ever disrespecting you. I mean, being a political junkie like myself (remember in freshmen gym when we would always talk about politics? I miss you!), we know we have the ability to change the world. And like the amazing Jon Williams said to you, when you become a political leader, you shall stick your tongue out at the haters!
Thanks Chrissy !
ReplyDeleteLucas
ReplyDeleteI understand what its like to just want to shut your personality off from everyone. I guess its a little different but I'm really self-conscious about my voice and the way I sound, I also, for some reason, always think my opinions will be ridiculed, because of that sometimes I don't speak a lot around new people. Thats why so many people think I'm shy, when really they just don't know me that well. I'm trying to use high school as a way to break out of the quietness, and I hope you can do the same. I don't know you that well, but you seem like a very smart person who has a lot to say, so say it! I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and everyone else in our lang class better this year.
Thank you everyone... I didn't realize people actually thought that I was an interesting person. But see, that's the problem. My dad always told me that it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. I kinda feel that if I did, people's opinions of me would drop.
ReplyDelete“How” is not an easy question to describe my journey, and behind it lies complicated answers. I believe my journey is not finished, and far from it. But how I am going through my journey can be described by my mindset. A way of conceiving information works differently in my head, mainly because I am very inexpressive. Though I do have compassion somewhere inside me I believe when it comes to making decisions it is purely logic. My dad used to be short of civil, constantly being verbally abusive because of his drinking problem. His rants of anger usually ended up with holes in the wall and cursing aimlessly. I usually tried to do the right things and keep out of his way but it seemed I was always doing something wrong like not “doing more”. This vague condition I assumed to be that he would most likely never be satisfied with what I did or what I’m doing, even though he was clueless what was going on in my life in the first place. He just tells me one thing he implies is true. “When you get that money you better damn well know who to give it to, someone who deserves it.” No he is not talking about poor third world country inhabitants, he means himself. My dad being that kind of person made me sort of lose that compassion “pansy bullshit”, which actually led to me seeing things from a logical outlook. I excelled at project adventure solutions and am a fantastic problem solver, a fair trade if I may say so myself. Like I said before the mindset of what you gain or lose will become of what a person makes of it. I can see losing a family member or physical abuse will be an immense exception but little things are often made into enormous problems.
ReplyDeleteThe journey I am still traveling is the transition from childhood to adulthood. Obviously this was a willing transition because everyone who makes it to adulthood has literally done this transition (I say literally for those immature adults).The Indefinite future and black abyss ahead are still left untried but obstacles have lined the path. I believe my dad having a drinking problem and never getting much in life have proved as obstacles but overcoming things only makes someone stronger. A person needs loss and gloomy periods in their life to really appreciate the good times. A person who I looked up to in these times seemed to be my brother Matt. Even though our family was dysfunctional his perseverance got him a full ride to Stanford. Not only did he do this but was the first one to go to college, I try to follow his example as much as possible. These ordeals have sculpted me into a different person that I believe is the true me. Without the ups and downs in life I could not really appreciate what I have and who I am.
Alix- Anytime girl! I am more than glad that i have THE Alix as my corresponding secretary! Oh, and I am positive that you have great confidence and the "I-don't-take-crap-from-anyone" kind of attitude. For instance, in gym last year, when that wack guy in softball made fun of us 24/7, you stuck up for us, because you were tired of listening to his ongoing nonsense. I looked up to that :)
ReplyDeleteChrissy
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I miss our freshman year gym class discussions too!
And thank you! I'm so glad to be friends with people like you who don't see difference as a bad thing!
Robert Forney’s life, Cliff Notes version.
ReplyDeleteI got through what is, for now, a significantly large portion of my life with sheer ignorance. I grew up in Tuckerton, in a lame house with my family, surrounded by Klansmen. “Be a man, join the clan” doesn’t fly well with my family, so we left for Mays Landing. So, since I had never been anywhere but home (never seen a black person up close, never spoken to a stranger, etc.), it seemed normal that parents would fight and scream, then go to marriage counseling and leave me with even louder, more violent neighbors to ‘take care of me’. I never knew anything but family until I went to Kindergarten. This was a bewildering experience, because before then I did not know what was let loose from Pandora’s box; all but hope had escaped, and manifested as grade school, full of strife, lies, and malice. There too was happiness, shallow and translucent but happiness all the same. I found out what it was to be the whipping boy, but still everything seemed normal. I even thought that an abusive teacher was normal, because it was just like having an extremely cruel parent at school, so I lived with it.
It was around fifth grade that reality crashed around me, that when my parents learned of what had happened at school for years and years and I was bestowed with a gift of truth rather than ideals. I grew angry for being utilized and neglected, and violent. This period of time was so traumatic for me that I cannot even bring myself to write it out.
During depression treatment it was acknowledged that I had Asperger’s Syndrome, an autistic spectrum illness characterized by extreme intelligence and extremely underdeveloped social skills, rooted in development of the brain. This was a life changing development, because beforehand I had just been a ‘special’ kid: now I was a ‘gifted’ child.
ReplyDeleteSo at the age of fourteen I began to develop social skills greater than that of a five year old. I began to care about the world outside of my head, rather than willing it away. I explored psychology, which became my best friend at school. I explored religion, and quickly became interested in the Wiccan faith and shamanism. I stopped being a two-dimensional person and grew a personality, although it was, and still is, artificial at best. My therapist helped me learn to identify and use facial expressions and body language appropriately, and I began to function as a normal human being. In my darkest hours, at the beginning of high school, the taste of reality that had caused me such grief served me well in keeping me on the right path.
My rapid growth from a child into a man was rushed and painful, but necessary. I could never have gotten to the place I am today without the help of my therapist, to whom I am forever in debt. Successively having my view of reality shattered made me strong, strong enough to withstand the agony of loss unfazed; it also granted me a greater ability to identify a situation as what it truly is, rather than what I interpret it as. Also, without my family, irritating and often uncompromising though they are, has been my number one benefactor throughout my entire life, and that is something that not many people can say these days. I would like to say that the one thing that I would like to have had when I was going through all of these trials and tribulations is faith. I was not raised with religion, and no positive figure stayed the same in my life for long, either leaving or changing into someone I could not depend on. I was forced to be independent at a young age, but I don’t think that was worth the pain I endured, because independence comes with time.
I’ve been there, I’ve done that. I’ve carved my name on the gates of Hell. I have far to go, but I have still come far. More than anything, after coming through all of this, I want to be a force of good in the lives of others, so that they might not have to suffer as I once did. No individual should have to live life all at once, because its pain and its joys are things that should be taken in with time and good company.
By the way, I’m pretty sure that World War Z doesn’t fall into those two categories: it’s more likely to fall into the ‘man goes on a journey’ category, though. Look it up, gimme feedback!
Robby I'm speechless. (In a good way, as always)
ReplyDeleteStephanie W said...
ReplyDeleteGosh, this one is going to make me cry when I write it...
I hear ya Stephanie =/ Unfortunately it's not always possible to leave the past behind, but the worst of it is over, and you can come out of it knowing that you are more ready for the future.
Kale: Firstly, my parents hate each other, and I can't stand them. I don't hate them, at least, not all the time, but they always just seem foreign to me.
EVERYTHING is more difficult without parents there to support you. My parents have always supported me, but more often than not they were a source of the problem, or very uncompromising. My father even disowned me, not long ago, but he had tried to take that back... if that's possible. Fortunately, there's always your group of friends, or in some sad cases your friend.
Chrissy: Everything happens for a reason. I know, it is totally cliché, but I am a firm believer in it.
It makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? If you look at life as happening for no reason, no possible good can be distilled from its bleak essence. And sometimes things happen in ways that cannot be explained- many longtime married couples can tell you that. They left a job for no reason, and bam meet future mom/dad. I like to think that evil is an immediate affect and good is a long-term goal, so living in the present can be detrimental to your sanity. As long as you look at things positively, and HOPE for a brighter future, there can be no true darkness. "In darkness there is light."
Jourdan- Your second paragraph really appeals to me, doing better is a vicious cycle that makes anything less than first not good enough. This creates an unquenchable thirst for more which we AP kids always feel up the challenge. Your quote "Your best is expected; why reward it?" really makes total sense, I think we settle for less too often, what’s the point for settling because if a person is settling then it’s not their best. Pushing yourself to the complete max usually appeals as a good solution to me, even though I sometimes fall short.
ReplyDeleteKyle- I understand where you are coming from and agree that living in the moment does provide a great way of coping with problems. “In general, I think that adults disappointing me has led me to not trust people as much as I feel I could.” This line holds true in many conditions, I myself feel a distance from my family and other adult figures in my life that continued to become less important and more disappointing. I do not trust people often, often accuse people of lying, and seem to disregard any human emotion I find unimportant. Your adult relationships are very much like mine where I too have felt numerous disappointments in my past.
Alix L- I believe that words throughout time can really break a person’s spirit and outlook on themselves. I too tried to look upon my humor to push off the comments others made that really just dug deeper and deeper into my brain. I always thought why it was something as simple as being overweight could change a whole perspective about someone. Being made fun of myself as a kid by fellow students, and being reinforced by my often drunk dad led to me starting to lose my more compassionate side. I felt with so many people who want to hurt, I would never be able to open up to someone with confidence because of the risk of being harmed. It sucks that something so simple could be the downfall of a person’s confidence, buts it’s a cruel world we live in that we have to cope with everything that it throws at us.
Throughout my life I have been lucky enough to have very little horrible events happen to me. I cannot even come close to thinking about the pain that my fellow classmates have experienced. It took me a long time of thinking about the subject before I came to a conclusion of the most difficult thing that’s happened to me.
ReplyDeleteCancer. To me this one word it’s the worst in the English language, worse than any swear or racial remark. Cancer has claimed every Grandparent of mine except for one. Additionally cancer has claimed an aunt that was very close to me. Most children grow up with happy reminders of their grandparents taking them places and always being there for them, not in my case. I never met three of my grandparents, both of my dad’s parents and my mom’s father. I have one surviving grandmother who was almost taken by the very same disease, the doctors gave her a 10% chance to live. I was crushed… but slowly she started getting better, I owe it all to god. I remember going to church and having the entire church pray for her. I knew with so many people asking god for her to pull through, he would no doubtfully listen, and so my prayers were answered and she pulled through. My dealings with cancer were not yet over yet though, last year my Aunt developed brain cancer, she was no doubt the strongest person I have ever met. She was determined to beat cancer and be a survivor, but as we could tell the tumors in her brain were taking a toll on her. At first it was simple things such as forgetting names or mixing them up. As the tumors enlarged, she began to deteriorate, shortly after she became completely brain-dead…it was a waiting game from then on after. My mom would visit her each and everyday only to sit and talk with someone who couldn’t understand and couldn’t respond. My family was heartbroken and when she finally did pass it was as if I was punched in the stomach, I had no clue I could feel so deeply for a person…Her funeral was without a doubt the hardest day of my life. No that it’s all over I feel like such a stronger person and more in tune with who I really am, I’ve discovered feelings I didn’t know a human was capable of. In the end I thought to myself death isn’t the end it’s just the beginning, and without death we wouldn’t understand how much that person influenced our lives.
This really isn't directed at one specific person; it's more of an observation. I noticed that time after time people's posts said things like from "5th to 8th grade," or "This continued on trough 8th grade." It's interesting to see how the first year of high school was either a catalyst of change for some people or an oppurtunity for reinvention for others.
ReplyDeleteLucas,
ReplyDeleteYou’re not alone. Tons of people who have over-achieving siblings feel the same way. It’s only natural. My advice, since my sister was number three in her class, is that you just have to roll with it. I tried so many different things to try to dissociate myself from being like my sister, but only recently, I see it as a plus. Your brother has gone through all the tough things in school and in life, so you basically have path already made for you. It’s probably the path you don’t want to take, but the mistakes he made will benefit YOU.
Also, about what people think about, I would have to say that during Freshmen year, I thought you were one of the better (as in, nicer and less of a jerk-face) guys of our class. Although I don’t really know you that much, I still that about you (which I hope sounds as if it’s good, because, It’s a good thing). So don’t worry too much about what people think about you, because what does it really matter anyway? Even though I personally don’t think you’re weird, being weird can be a great thing… who wants to be NORMAL?
My journey can be summarized in a single, chilling word: Pulse. The band season of my sophomore year (and yes, I am a geek for picking a band story) was probably the most thrilling series of events that I have experienced and witnessed in my very short life.
ReplyDeleteWhen I joined the band my freshman year, I saw Amanda Werner conduct and I knew exactly what I wanted to be in this band. I wanted to be a drum major. I wanted the prestigious title and the opportunity to lead, to inspire and express music through my very hands. And when I want something, I waste no time in getting it. So, immediately my freshman year, I started conducting, and before I knew it I was made drum major with Samantha Schlue and Arthur Ayala my sophomore year. No one in the history of the Oakcrest Ambassadors has ever been a drum major their sophomore year. I was the first. Was I pushed under that spotlight? Hardly. In fact, I was told numerous times to get out. Then, throughout that whole entire season I was fighting an almost impossible battle. I was part of a team of three to mold a show into a classic Oakcrest Ambassador masterpiece. I had to uphold the image and reputation of the band. I was responsible for being a model band member and do anything in my power to make the band happy while still keeping them focused and willing to work. I faced harsh words, impossible decisions, loads of pressure and my first real experience of being a leader. Better yet, this was my first real experience of trying to lead people that did not want to be led by a sophomore. And on top of that, I had to be a mediator between my co-drum majors, who if left alone would probably rip each other's heads off. I carried the weight of the band on my shoulders with barely two other partners to lean on. If they suffered defeat, it was my fault. If they were happy, I had to keep it that way. If they start to slack, I have to coax them to work harder and smarter. I basically did this by keeping as calm as possible and seeking refuge in people that I knew were on my side. The journey started off rough and proceeded in getting tougher and tougher as more conflicts came up. There was a point where almost everyone in the band snapped and lost hope and faith. But not me. I was amongst the few that kept fighting. Because that’s what I do and that’s what I wanted. I wanted to fight for and on behalf of this band. I considered every consequence in each decision I made, I put passion into any time I conducted, I listened and tried to resolve every conflict that arose. I tried to be the best drum major I could be despite all the respect I wasn't given because I was a sophomore. This job required caution, a light-hearted attitude, reason, strength and passion and I gave 110%. That's how I did it. I never gave up. And I must say, I think we came out victorious. The season was full of so many memories and we created a phenomenal show and beautiful music. Most of all, I survived something that was deemed almost impossible as a sophomore.
From all of this, I learned that with passion and strength anything is possible. This experience has changed me forever, and for the better. I am more mature, and it made me fall even more deeply in love with music. With the help of my friends, I achieved something that everyone told me was impossible and I feel I've made my mark, the beginning of a legacy and even more importantly I achieved a dream. Pulse was my baby. I put heart, soul and body into that show and making it great. The show itself was reflective of the attitude and individuality of Oakcrest Ambassadors themselves. There might have been hardships and it was definitely a struggle to appeal to everyone’s standards, but it was worth it. I came out with not only newfound respect from everyone in the band, but newfound respect and confidence in myself. The memories, all that I learned and all that this season has made me into, will always and forever be a memory that pushes me forward, it keeps my pulse going.
I was thinking... I never really went in depth about my brother at all. He's told me numerous times that I'm smarter than him. He resents that. I'm more book smart than he is, maybe... but he totally destroys me in any important category in life. Everyone loves him from the moment they meet him. He's not afraid to speak his mind, and when he does, people love him for it, because he's articulate, charismatic, and intelligent. Basically, we are polar opposites. I am good at everything he isn't good at (memory, and...math... don't hate me Ms. Bunje) and he's good at everything I'm not (life). We both want what the other has. I guess it's really that simple.
ReplyDeletePart 1:
ReplyDeleteWhere do I start? Goodness gracious. I can’t say I’ve had the extreme circumstances as some others, but I’ve had a lot for a lot time. My journey ranges from family problems to low self confidence to being teased in school, so where to start? I guess the beginning will do.
To put it nicely, I wasn’t exactly planned. My parents had me in college where my mom, bless her heart, (Megan you really hooked me on that saying) worked three jobs and my dad could barely hold down one. Needles to say, this obviously led to divorce. This is probably the only good thing in this blog. My parents may not get along enough to be married but they are cool as cordial people who have a kid. So that’s all good, besides they were divorced when I was 3 so I don’t remember them together except some vivid images of them fighting I still remember.
On to the not so happy stuff…my dad suffered from severe anger issues. He would yell, scream, punch walls, slam cabinets, pretty everything except lay a hand on me (which I thoroughly appreciate.) This went on from as far as I can remember to freshman year. Granted he got better all the way and is a thousand times better now. However, when he wasn’t, I was scared of him. I hated going to his house, I feared doing anything wrong, I worried constantly that I would set him off. He was a loaded gun with a time bomb. He was critical, I never did anything right and when I messed up I heard it…LOUD and clear. I was used to backhanded compliments like, “You did great at ___, but you really need to work on ____.” I never felt good enough. He made things I loved the most unbearable. I had done karate for like 2 years before he joined with my step mom. I really loved it and then he started learning everything and suddenly he was able to critique everything I did. I quit a year later.
We had tried things over the years like counseling and such, none of which worked. My mom was the biggest help, at least in my sanity. I’ve never really been one to stick up for myself; she helped a lot with that. Things came to a head in Rock’s class during the Odyssey of me project. I wrote about our problems and he saw my poster. I wasn’t allowed over his house for about 2 weeks. He was upset about our dirty laundry being aired; I guess he just thought I wouldn’t remember everything.
Deanna:
ReplyDeleteI'm extremely happy that you are realizing that what people say doesn't matter. The world is cruel, and people say harsh things. Back in grade school, people were jealous of you high grades, they simply didn't want to admit it. So instead they made fun of you to bring your happiness down as theirs went up. It's pathetic. You should be proud of who you are and I'm glad to hear that you are.
Hannah:
As soon as I started to read your post, I knew it was going to be tough. I literally grabbed my box of tissues as I read. I am so sorry for your loss, but I want you to know that I admire and respect you so much. You are one of the most courageous girls I have ever met. I know it is one of the most difficult experiences in your entire life, and I'm sure it was painful to write it, as it was for me to read it. The smile on your face when you play soccer, however, shows that you are brave, and still enjoy life to the fullest. This is repetitive, but you truly are an inspiration.
Kristie:
You always have a smile on your face and we are always laughing about something stupid. I love it. With the shining personality everyone sees, you would never know about your post. I am very glad to hear that you are grateful for your step-dad. You are a very strong person. And I just wanted to mention that your step-dad also makes the best cookies ever!!!
Part dos:
ReplyDeleteWe’re completely cool now, he made a complete 175. (He’s not quite at 180.) But with 13 years of verbal and mental abuse, I think I’ll always carry that with me. He’s the reason I freeze in conflict, he’s why I’m so sensitive, he’s the reason for my lack of self confidence because I wasn’t good enough, and I think he’s at the root of why I feel so eager to make sure people are happy and don’t have any ill-will towards me.
And that’s the beginning. I’ll sum up the rest. First, my grandmother is bi-polar. We were living with her and she kicked us out. She currently is trying to buy my love. Next, I went to Estell Manor, a school full of girls who enjoyed picking on other girls just for kicks. They picked a different girl every week and I joined for awhile until I was on the outs. My mom also helped me out a lot during this. They teased, took my stuff and destroyed it, told me I was more upset about the things they said then my dog that died a week earlier, the list goes on. What’d the principal say? “Girls will be girls.” I despise this saying. This was bittersweet though. My mom pulled me out of Estell Manor and I started Hess a week later, that’s why I’m here and not in Buena! This definitely added to the sensitivity and the conflict issues.
To the hard part, here it goes. Well you may or may not know my irrational fear of being judged. I probably say STOP JUDGING ME at least a few times a day. I think this stems from low self esteem for years. Now this is something I never talk about. I never thought I was truly pretty until sort of 8th grade but more in high school at some point. I just hated who I saw in the mirror, I felt fat and ugly and just disliked. I’ll leave it to implications but that led to…whatever. For that, I just depended on myself to get through. I started journaling and that lasted until I worked it out. I told absolutely no one and that made me stronger. I’m big on silently suffering and this began that mentality.
I feel like I sound complainy and I don’t want that at all. Everything I’ve said has made me who I am and I love who that is. Out of all the things that could have made me depressed, somehow I turned out happy, perky and optimistic. It’s made me strongish, as long as it’s not when faced with conflict because I hate that part. I wish I could speak when in a conflict, but I can’t. It’s frustrating but it’s my personality and I don’t feel like there’s much I can do. But any who, that’s the journey of Taylor Palm.
Ps. I liked last week’s blog better! =p
Lucas,
ReplyDeleteWho said being book smart is not important in life? I think you're viewing life too much in it's social aspect. Certain things, like being well-read, are things that people, like me, want to achieve. I would kill to be able to read like five books a month. But anyways, on what your dad said about keeping your mouth shut and people's opinions dropping, if you take the chance of putting yourself out there, you might also find the opposite. You might find even more people who have the same interests.
Jourdan,
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the exact same thing. It makes me reevaluate myself and think if high school has done anything drastic for me or not.
Taylor: I just realized just how often you tell me to "stop judging you". I didn't realize it was that deep of a psychological issue... Sorry if i screwed up anywhere.
ReplyDeletePart 3
ReplyDeleteThen in sixth grade I transferred back to Hess after my dad was released from prison. My mom even noticed I desperately needed a good male role model so she shipped me off with my dad.(FAIL) Sixth and seventh grade were pretty boring accept the teasing somewhat continued. Then in eighth grade I decided to create my tough guy image; I played sports wrestling and track. Then every time someone would make a wise rack about me I would act as if I was ready to fight them. Then one day someone told me that I could quit it with my tough guy act because know one fell for it.
So during the second half of my eight grade year I developed into myself. I decided that I liked who I was and that caring about the opinions was of others just as useless as an umbrella on a sunny day. I figured it was fine to be the weird kid who listened to Jay-Z and Tina Turner, the kid who would stare out the window in a trance for several minutes, the kid who opposed everyone else in the classroom for the hell of it. Because at the end of the day I can look in the mirror and be proud that I am true to myself and I don’t give a damn about what anyone else has to say about me.
I'm afraid I haven't reached the height of my journey when things get better.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up as a little girl in New York, I was bubbly, free-spirited, and always happy. There was nothing that could bring me down. I had the best big brother in the world that I looked up to. From playing in tents to hide-and-seek where I could never find him, my brother and I were inseparable. My mom tells me that he was the only one who could get me to eat and listen. He truly was my role model.
When I was four, we moved here to South Jersey. When my brother was in eighth grade, he started to involve himself with the wrong crowd. That was where it all began. Despite the best efforts of everyone, he didn't listen. He became involved with heavy drug abuse. The big brother I knew was disappearing before my eyes.
This continued for the longest time. In eighth grade however, he hurt me very badly. The week before my graduation, he left a suicide note on his bed and disappeared. My family, at loss of words, did nothing but search. We put our lives on hold, stopped everything we were doing, and just searched. The cops did there best to help, and he was put on the list of missing people, with a public announcement. We did everything we could to find him. Through all of this, I had to try my hardest to forget about whether my brother was alive or not, and so I went to graduation. I looked at the seat next to my Mom and Dad that was supposed to be my brother, but it was empty. My heart sank, and I never did forgive him.
About a month or so later, the police found him alive in Atlantic City. They sent him to rehab. At the sessions the rehab center provided, we asked him how he could ever write a note and hurt the ones that love him most. His response: "I turn off the switch in me that makes me care." This was one of the most depressing things a family could hear. It took a while for me to forgive him. It took me about two years to put it in the past.
We thought he was getting better, but today the problem still continues. He is 19 years old, has no job, dropped out of high school, and still associates with the wrong crowd. All we can do now is pray and hope that he gets better and grows up.
I'm still waiting for my big brother back.
Jessie -
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing and a beautiful person inside and out. I admire you so much. Your strength, kindness and optimism. There are many obstacles most people have to overcome, and among them are insecurities. Some people let their insecurities consume them and you did the exact opposite. I wish I could be as strong as you in the insecurities-department. Getting through something like that so effortlessly, only a really special person would be able to do.
Alix -
Wow. Okay, first of all, that little boy needs a pencil shoved in places that pencils shouldn’t be! I don’t care if he was just a kid, that was such a horrible thing to say!
Second of all Alix, I love you to death. And if you’re ever feeling insecure or low on self-esteem, you should know that I am completely jealous of you. You connect on such a different level with people and make friends a lot easier than I do. Now, probably you’re going to say, “But Alexis, guys like you.” But my response to that is, “Alix, it’s just because I’m Asian.” Whoever comes into contact with you and becomes friends with you will like you not because of just your outside beauty, but because of the endless amount of inner beauty that you have, hands down.
But on another note, I can relate to you with insecurities. It’s not the same thing that we’re insecure about, but it still made me uncomfortable around girls and being looked at by guys, and that would be chest size. (surprise, surprise). Now, there is no way to really fix this problem, no way to stifle it and so far I’ve been unsuccessful in ignoring it. I’m glad you found hope in your situation, it’s a beautiful thing.
Megan -
I can relate to you so much. I felt horrible in writing a post to this blog, simply because I haven’t experience anything really tragic in my life, only things that are stressful and require work as opposed to recovery. I also hope that I can be there for anyone who needs me, and then again I feel guilty in saying that because most of the problems (loss of a close person, physical trauma, etc.) I couldn’t relate to because I haven’t myself experienced them. But, all that counts is intention and you are a gem to still stand strong and keep yourself open to people for whenever they need it. I bet everyone around you appreciates it greatly.
Everyone -
You guys are so much stronger than I could ever be. I have been lucky enough not to experience any real, damaging hardship due to family, friends or hardship within myself. You are all amazing and I am proud of you all.
Today, though I see the continuous problems, I do my very best to forget about them. I realize that I have people who love me, and I don't have a reason to not be happy. Like I said, I am still waiting for the big brother I knew to come back, but until then, all I can do is pray. I still have to live my life. Because of my journey, I am the complete opposite of him. I never want to be like him and hurt people as he has.
ReplyDeleteAlix: Girl, You're awesome. You don't even know how great it is being friends with you. The fact that you had to deal with that shit as a young kid really pisses me off. People can be so ignorant it makes me sick. Every time I see you you look so good in what you wear. You're always rockin some super fun outfit, but it goes beyond that. You're personality is blindingly gorgeous too. I never stop laughing around you and I'm sooooo glad you are who you are. =D It makes me giggle
ReplyDeleteComments
ReplyDeleteAlex- I would like to think that our relationship has gotten a lot better since we first met. Ever since you told me the lunchbox story, I have grown to be very protective when it comes to your feelings. I hope that’s not weird. Which I why I was ready to kill Donovan figuratively speaking for backing up into you. I have always respected your perseverance and character, I hope you take those kids words with a grain of salt because you could be the Queen of any castle and never let anyone tell you different.
Stephen W- Having gone through something very similar to you I respect and admire the courage you have to be true to yourself.
Deanna- The jerks who teased you in middle school are now wishing they put their time into their studies. When it comes to talking to guys or even girls if they can’t appreciate you for you then screw them. YOU ARE Dangerously, Powerful, Stunning, AND Fierce. And trust me Kale Nagasexy you have no reason not to believe that.
In my comments it's Alex L
ReplyDeleteKristen!
ReplyDeleteI knew about your brother dropping out of high school, but I never knew all of that! That’s a terrible thing to go through, especially a week before a day that’s supposed to be all about you. It’s amazing how you’ve really learned from all of it and are such a happy person. I just want to hug you!
Chrissy
When my sisters left, I gained the confidence, vigor, and maturity within myself. A divorce can tear apart a family, but it can and will never tear apart my heart. I have victoriously come out of the ashes of sadness.
Chrissy, I love you! And I love this. I’ve always known about your parents’ divorce, but I’ve never heard it in this light. I’m so thankful I can’t remember my parent’s divorce, because I don’t think I could make it through like you have. You’re like a phoenix! You lived(are living sorta still) through the fire, came out of the ashes and are now a pretty, colorful bird that shines like a star! =)
Dearest Banana,
I can only imagine how hard that was to write. You’ve been through so much and your optimism is so uplifting. A lot of people would go through what you did and just be overwhelmed in sadness. But you’ve grown from it all and clearly have a new outlook on life. You’re so strong and I love you! And I love sitting diagon alley from you in history!
Stephen
I have a strong sense of justice and compassion for people who have been mistreated or bullied. Just listen to me when I tell you that other people have feelings. If you only get one thing out of my story, let it be this, no one deserves to be hurt by hateful speech.
Stephen! Your story is so cute. Well not like cute, but I was like Awh. Anyways! I agree with you a thousand percent! A boy in my homeroom, is a homophobe and he is awful. He is stubborn and hears no reason. He blatantly says he’d disown his child if he or she was gay. He makes me speechless. I mean, how do you argue with someone like that, when they won’t hear a word of it? I wish he could read your story and maybe start to see who his mentality could be hurting. But I really respect your strength especially in a world where people like him still exist.
Kristen,
ReplyDeleteI knew your brother dropped out of high school and was in with the "wrong crowd" but I had NO idea that the situation was as severe as it really is. I commend you on the amount of courage you have had to deal with this and ability to learn from his mistakes. I don't think anything myself -- or anyone besides your brother himself -- could say that would make you feel any better about what has happened. What I can say is that you, your brother, and the rest of your family will definitely be in my prayers. <3
Lucas: So I guess I know you a little better than some folks do just from last year in Chem and study hall and the like. When it comes to being like your brother, forget him. I don't know him, probably never will, and I doubt too many other people know him either. When it comes to your family and how THEY feel about it, if they can't see how astonishing you are then they don't deserve you. Yea, you're quirky, yea, you tell long rambling stories, but they are my favorite qualities about you. I never know what to expect when I talk to you and thats a lot of fun.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I just want you to know that I love having you as a friend. Its not something I say but its important for you to know, I guess.
Bunje: I don't know if this comment will count as one of the three but more will probably follow anyway.
ReplyDeleteThis comment is meant for everyone. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've found this blog to be hard to write about. I start going into my life and moving around painful memories and I have to stop. All these things we are letting out on here are things we try to keep from everyone else. I applaud every single one of you for being able to experience that pain again AND share it with people who you may not want knowing everything. Next week we might be clawing at one another's throats over some controvercial topic or another, so, just so everyone knows, its an honor to be permitted to know about each of you this personally (this goes to people who post after this too). Thank you!!!
First off, I want to let Stephanie, Deanna, Hannah and Kristen know that everything you guys said means a lot, and Deanna -- you made me cry!
ReplyDeleteAlix - I want you to know that you're an amazing person - inside and out. You are a beautiful person with such a bright personality, I've loved you since the moment you moved here :). Physical appearances may be what most people care about, but you are so much more than you see. The way you spend your days laughing and smiling, I would have never guessed anyone could hurt you. Keep your chin up, no one should ever be able to bring you down.
Kristen - :(. I don't know how it feels for that to happen but I, in the least bit, praise you for it. My brother and I are not close at all, but I know if he ever disappeared I'd die. The fact that you didn't involve yourself in the wrong crowd at the same time is amazing, I know I probably would have and it would have turned out so much worse. I love you a lot, just so you know. :)
Lucas - (about the comparison with your brother) I always feel like I'm being compared to my brother and sister, for better and worse. My brother is so smart, but lacks all common sense that I have. My sister is also and rower and a cheerleader, so everyone always asks "Who's better?" I guess it's good to compete and work to my best all the time, but damn is it tiring. I wish someone would just say "Great job, Kris" minus all the comparing.
Hannah:
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the first line of your post (and right now) I could not stop crying. Your mom was AMAZING and I'm so fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet her. I am blown away by how strong you are and extremely proud of you for it. After reading your post, I started thinking, and don't think I would be able to do anything beside curl in a ball under my bed and sob. I hope you know how awesome you are for being able to put everything behind you and resume living your life; I completely admire and respect you for that. And everyone is right, you're just like your mom :)
Alix:
ReplyDeleteI SO hope you don't believe what those kids said to you in the past. You are a bright young woman, a magnificent writer, a fabulous fashionista, a hardworking swimmer, a wonderful friend... the list goes on! Although we got off to a rough start in 7th grade, I'm really glad we met. After reading your post I learned that I wouldn't know who Edward Scissorhands was without you, or to not to judge people esclusively based on how they look. Even though I don't know them, the bullies from elementary school could not hold a candle to you today; you are far too intelligent and loved to let their shallow criticism control your life. :)
Zakiy:
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your blog, I admire you even more. Not only are you witty and intelligent, you are a great athlete, too. I also admire how firm you are in your "identity." As I explained in the first blog, I don't know who I am. It sounds kind of weird, but I'm still trying to figure it out. When all of those little twerps picked on you and you didn't change to make them stop their tormenting, I realized that you knew who you were all along. Not only do I envy you for that, I am proud of you as well. Envious because I wish I knew myself that well, but definitely more proud because, from my perspective, you have put your troubles behind you and are always happy and polite. :)
First I am going to start by saying; this is a very sensitive subject for me, and I am truly putting my heart into this without eing too emotional. Thus, I will begin in saying so far I have learned the hardest lessons throughout my high school years. I’m not sure which tribulation should get the award for the most agonizing and stressful. Between trying to find my way in relationships, school procrastinations, don’ts and do’s when out with friends “unsupervised”, then whether to forgive or forget people who dwell in self-pity and complete ignorance, I feel the biggest lesson I had to learn was to respect and honor “trust”. Trust impacts one’s life so much to the point where you could lose a friendship, marriage, even a family over. I am a opened minded person, at least I would like to believe, I feel I have gotten into my fair share of "ever normal teenagers mischief". From time to time I would decide I wanted to explore life’s endless limitations and piss my parents off in the process, but not initially pissing them off, but in the end result that is the way it ended turning out. Between crazy parties, boyfriends, bent truths, and wild times with friends, I feel my parents went through a little bit of a trial with me. Losing their trust was the BIGGEST penalty and was wrost part about “exploring life’s limitations” , because when you have parents there are limitations and sadly I crossed some of the limitation lines. My parents for a while didn’t trust me in my freshmen year, which was my major year to experience high school parties. Now sophomore year was when I had a boy friend that was a year or two older than me and apparently he was and news, more hassles for my "hard core Christian" parents to take on, with me. Without being too detailed I wasn’t exactly Cinderella’s angel more like “Charley’s Angels”, in more words or less words, nothing hoochie but you get the point. My greatest battle through it all was overcoming my emotions and learning how to gain my parent’s trust back. I had to have a few emergency friend get togethers on the way, mainly on the topic of how to stop getting irritated about what I was feeling and how horribly unfair my parents were being. I had to sit down with my parents, time after time, and tear after tear in order to show them not only had my actions changed but that my attitude bettered and transformed to exceptional behavior. Soon, I gained there trust back and I hope to continue to keep their trust.
ReplyDeleteEmotions!
The Second biggest battleI had/have to overcome is my dad having to work away from home on the road for weeks sometimes months at a time. Understand that my dad was my best friend all throughout my childhood and teen years, so him working and leaving home was hard on me and my family as well. When I had problems that I didn’t feel anyone else would understand I would talk to my dad, because I knew if he could, but when my dad left for work I had no one to talk to. That year my sister went off to college and my sister and I were then attending different schools, she also had a part time job, which meant I didn’t get a chance to see or speak to any of my family other than my mom when she would wake me up for school in the morning, but lets face it how much conversation can u have with your eyes still shut and in 5 o’clock in the morning? After he had went away, that wounded our relationship severally. I felt like my dad didn’t understand things like he use to when he came back. My Dad is home now, but sadly our relationship has only gotten worse. I’m greatly saddened at the uttermost of even speaking about this. On the upside I hope that our relationship will get better soon, especially since the holidays are coming around the corner I am hoping that will break the ice so that I can truthfully tell my dad why I have been distant, but whatever may happen I am going to expect the best. I have leaned on God thorugh out my trials and tribulations and I thank my Father and will continue to lean on him through the struggles.
Growing up, I have to say that I was one of the lucky people in terms of how my home life was. I had parents that adored each other, as well as both my sisters as I. They did their best in making sure that neither my sisters nor I ever felt lonely, helpless, or lost. With all their love and reassurance, I grew to have a very cheerful and rambunctious outlook. I took all the happiness I had in my life and did my best to transfer it to the people around me. Most of my friends, did not have as lucky as of an upbringing as I did. Several had to deal with their parents constantly fighting or else going through a hard divorce. More than a few had already lost a parent or close relative to a sickness or accident. By the time I was in 5th grade, I started to take on the task of trying to help as many of my peers as I could. Of course, I was aware that I couldn’t help everybody, and that some of the things that were happening in their lives were way beyond theirs or my own control, but still I tried. I found comfort in knowing that my classmates knew that they could come to me if they ever had a problem, and I was constantly reassured that I could always come back to them if I ever had one.
ReplyDeleteBut I had one problem with that. I found it extremely hard to talk to anyone about any type of problem I was going through. In a way, I felt like I was being a burden to someone if I came up to them and expressed my uncertainties. Part of me realized how irrational that was, but the other part of me just couldn’t bring myself to open up. It’s like I had molded myself to always been the ‘happy-go-lucky’ Gwen people expected me to be. Up until my freshman year, I thought that it was perfectly normal. All I had to do was constantly have a high amount of energy and smile a lot, and the people around me would at least be happy for the time they spent with me. And to me, their happiness was all I needed to stay cheerful as well.
When freshman year came, I realized that I had to stop all the ‘happy-go-lucky’ crap. No one could possibly be that happy all the time…unless they had some type of problem. But I only came to realize this after I had been put through my own series of struggles. At the start of freshman year, I went into the doctors to get the normal start of the year physical. All my tests came out healthy as usual, except for my blood pressure. Every time I went to the doctor, my blood pressure was always a little elevated due to nervousness, but that was simply because doctors' offices creeped me out. This time however, it was alarmingly high. Naturally, my doctor immediately started calling people in. I was kept in that office for a good three hours, and they were all trying to figure out what was wrong with me. That morning, I had come in for a simple physical, but by the afternoon, I was being carted off to some hospital to see a heart specialist.
[Part 2]
ReplyDeleteAfter a series of tests and scans, it checked out that my heart was completely healthy. Except for the fact that my heart was smaller than usual and that my veins were smaller than they have ever seen in a teenage individual, I was ‘perfectly’ healthy. They diagnosed me with ‘White Coat Hypertension’ meaning that my blood pressure only skyrocketed due to the fact that I was in a hospital setting. They wrote letters to the school nurse and ordered to take my blood pressure everyday at the same time. After a few months of this and no change and I was starting to get really tired of what they were telling me. I felt sick, my body was sluggish, I was constantly tired, and it was getting harder to keep up all the energy I was used to having. A few people noticed a change in me, but if they asked I declined any notion of the fact that I was sick at all. I always passed it off as simply being tired.
By the third marking period, I had come to accept the fact that I would just have to continue living with the way I was currently feeling. I figured the fatigue and sickness were just a random symptom of having White Coat Hypertension. Now, I realize that I was so quick to accept that because I didn’t want to be faced with the idea that something bigger might be wrong with me. That thought didn’t last very long. Around the end of May, I had an ultrasound done, and the specialists noticed that my kidneys were secreting some weird fluid. They took countless amounts of blood over the next few days and ran every test they could to figure out what was going on with my kidneys. Turns out, my kidneys weren’t getting any blood. My renal arteries were so small they cut off blood supply to my kidneys. They were barely functioning, and that was what was causing all my symptoms. I had a severe case of Mid-Aortic syndrome and they found it just in time. Any later, and my kidneys would’ve completely failed. I was immediately scheduled to have two operations done on me the August before my sophomore year.
The anger I had experienced from being misdiagnosed was something I don’t even think I can express. I was so pissed at them for not looking there months ago. Turns out, I’m one of the oldest people ever recorded to have it. They usually find in children 5 years and younger. They blame it on the fact that I immigrated to America when I was 5 and didn’t have the proper tests run on me. The only reply I had to that to that was ‘Bullshit’. They had plenty of chances before find out what was going on, but I didn’t argue the fact. I was just glad of the fact that I knew I could get better and I didn’t have to worry anymore.
It was through all of this that I heavily began to rely on my friends and the people who supported me throughout the years. I realized that there was no point in hiding everything from the people around me. They weren’t going to find me annoying just because I told them how worried I was. I became fully comfortable in not only helping my friends around me, but also willing to express my own issues back to them. Turns out, I’m not as much of a burden as I thought I was.
Part 1:
ReplyDeleteAfter reading some blogs and skimming through others, I’ve come to realize that my journey hasn’t been very traumatic or at all eventful. It doesn’t even seem very significant anymore. I haven’t been exposed to any kind of major violence, arguments, or tragedies. However, thinking about how uninteresting my journey has been made me realize how it’s shaped me and molded me into the person I am.
My family is very large and very close. My dad has six siblings, four of them having children, which is how I’ve ended up with eleven cousins. My cousins, along with my sister, are and always have been my best friends. I’ll further discuss my relationship with my sister later since she’s been a major part of my life, but my cousins have definitely supported and helped me through everything I’ve done. They support every decision I make but at the same time are never afraid to tell me when something is probably not a good idea. When we were younger, we always had this dream of opening a family restaurant. Allyson and Tiffany would be the chefs, Melanie would play the piano for entertainment, Deanna would have her dance club attached; it was all figured out. We were going to be together forever. However, this was just a dream. I wish it could be a reality, but it’s just unrealistic. Since I’m one of the youngest cousins, I get to the see all my cousins graduate high school, and pretty soon college, and move on with their lives. It won’t be long before they’re settled down and starting families. The worst part is that we’re all moving in different directions and I’m unable to envision the paths of our lives ever meeting up at one, single point. We’re all pursuing our own dreams and as the years have passed, our dreams have changed from our original plans that we put together at our cousin sleepovers. We can’t even manage to get all our cousins to meet at one time. I miss the days when we’d ALL meet at Grandmom’s house. We were all so close. I find myself often yearning for the chance to go back and have one more sleepover at Grandmom’s house, but I know it won’t happen and I just need to accept it. Our lives are racing full speed and there’s no stopping them. This has allowed me to become more independent. Rather than spending so much time with family, it’s allowed me to spend more time with friends. Now I have best friends that I’ve picked myself, not because of their blood but because of their personalities. With a new perspective, I now view my cousin’s maturation as something that has benefited all of us. They’re out in the real world, pursuing their goals and dreams. I may be stuck here, in Mays Landing, but I’ve been given space to grow. I now I know that I can always depend on any of my cousins for anything I ever need, but now I can develop other relationships that could last a lifetime.
Now, there’s my sister, Deanna. My sister and I have, well, a love hate relationship. She’s the only person I’ve ever punched, but she’s also one of the only people I can honestly say I love and would do anything for. She’s helped me through everything my whole life. Every step of the way, she was there. Entering Oakcrest, I was a bit scared. I was in an unfamiliar location with unfamiliar people. Just when I was wondering through the halls like a lost puppy, my sister emerged from the heaps of people. She glanced at my schedule and led me right to the cafeteria. Even though it wasn’t her lunch period, she walked me in and made sure I had a place to sit. Embarrassing? Maybe, but it relieved a lot of my stress and showed me how much she cares. She’s been an essential part of my journey and I’m glad to know that she’ll be with me for the rest of my journey ahead.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteWithout my sister and the rest of my extremely close family, I can honestly saw I’d be a completely different person. I know what love is and I’ve felt it in great masses my whole life. Any step I’ve ever stumbled on, I’ve been picked right up and dusted off. Some people may see that as a negative thing, but it’s gotten me this far. Now with my family heading in their various directions, a new journey will begin for me. It’s scary but I’m eager to see how I can thrive on my own.
Kristie: Wow. I’ve heard you tell that story many times before but never like that. I never realized how much it hurt you that your dad wasn’t a part of your life. Fortunately for you, you have an awesome step dad. He really is the best dad you could ever have and I can see how much he loves you and your mom. I know you can’t just fill that empty space in your heart that you’ve saved for your “real” dad, but hopefully time will help you realize how many other people you have in your life that deserve that space in your heart.
ReplyDeleteKristen: Wow, I never knew that about your brother. You’re always so happy and cheerful; I would’ve never thought you went through something so traumatic. I’m so glad to hear that they found him alive. Everything may not be the same as it was when you were younger, but in time, I think he’ll realize the love you have for him. I genuinely hope that you’re able to eventually have a similar relationship with him like the one you had when you were younger.
Hannah: It shows how strong of a person you are to write about your mom. You are a lot like her and I’m sure you’ll grow into a great mother just like her. I’m sure she’s in heaven, looking down on you, and proud of everything you do. Just like I was there for you when you were going through it all, I’ll always be here for you for whatever you ever need. <3
Part One: This question is hard to answer, as basically everyone before me has mentioned. My journey was difficult, yes, but it could have been much worse. As I mentioned to Alix and Gwen earlier today, this is most likely going to be a long winded, negative, hateful rant about my mom. But I’m going to tone it down, mostly because I could go on for a long long time, and I hate that, and I also do not want to bore you!
ReplyDeleteI remember vividly, when I was very young (let’s say, around age five or six at the oldest), my mom would walk around the house in large tee shirts and biker shorts. Hey, it was the nineties. Well one day in particular, my mom told my sisters and I that she was going to get changed because her friend was coming over. It seemed weird to me, because she decided to change into even less clothes than she was originally wearing- now she donned a sports bra, and the aforementioned shorts. A short while later, my mom made my sisters and I stay in our bedroom while her friend was at the house. Well, being a little girl, I started crying when I stubbed my toe and it had started to bleed. So I went out to tell her. She yelled at me. I didn’t understand why! I had to go back into my room right away.
To this day, I can still clearly remember her “friend’s” face. He was a skeevy looking man, maybe in his twenties, and he had curly dark hair to his shoulders. My mom was cheating on my dad with my sisters and I in the house. The worst part- my dad did not know about this man until my sisters and I brought it up maybe a year after my parents split.
The night she left was the saddest moment of my life. My sisters and I were happily watching TV and laughing out asses off when my mom came down, followed by my dad. Both were crying. I had never seen my dad cry before, and I haven’t since. I was scared.
“Girls… I am leaving. Tonight at eight I am going to go to my friend Mark’s house… I’m not going to live with you anymore.”
We all started to cry. I didn’t know what else to do.
The next few days I was just sad. It took me a long time to really be angry, once I was old enough to understand a few things.
My mom cheated on my dad. My mom told her friend that she regretted having my sisters and I because it took the attention away from her. She wanted to use us as tax write-offs. Once her mother dies she plans on sending my cousin to college- and she will “see what she can do” with the money that’s leftover for my sisters and I.
She lies, she still cheats, she is addicted to painkillers and faking a back injury for money (which is never coming her way). When I see something I like, she buys it for herself.
I was in fourth grade when she left. I was on the bus one day, and I saw Erica Worrell’s mom waiting for her as she stepped off of the bus. My mom never did that for me. I started crying because it felt like I didn’t have a mother anymore. And I still don’t. I have no relationship with her, I have no feelings of family towards her, and if I never talk to her again, I’m fine with that.
She never asks about me, but only talks about herself.
So what did I learn from this?
I learned to actually love my kids and do things for them. I learned that you need to care about other people. I learned, also, not to be a whore. Not to treat others like shit because it all comes back to you no matter what. My mom still doesn’t understand any of this. She lives like she is the only person that matters and the whole world works for her. You can’t live life like that - no one can.
Part Two: I grew up faster because of this. Another consequence of my moms selfish decision to leave is that now my sisters and I, well, we don’t really get along anymore. Kayla and Alicia became angry people when they learned the details. I handled it differently- I bottled everything up, and sometimes still do. But I don’t take it out on them when something is wrong. That is another thing I’ve learned as a result of this whole thing.
ReplyDeleteBut most importantly, I learned that it feels good to be loved, and to love others. In any way. Whether it be surrounding yourself with the best friends in the whole world and loving them, or just calmly relaxing with your dad and sisters after a long day and having no problems whatsoever. Family and friends mean the world to me. I need a social connection with people and for me, it needs to be real. I can’t be fake and easy like my mom is. I need to establish who I am, and not show a different face every time I meet someone new.
Change is good, and so is reality. You can’t live in your own little world forever.
Thanks Kaitlin :) It's nice to know that even though I hardly see you guys anymore that you're still there for me.
ReplyDeleteKaitlin: Family is so important! I can relate to the "meeting at Grandmom's" because every single holiday, my family has a party, and everyone shows up. But as my cousins get old er and work as well, I don't really get to see them anymore. I know exactly how you feel!Sometimes, unfortuantely, friendships fall apart, and having a sister or cousin to turn to can be the greatest feeling in the world. You know that they will always be there for you no matter what.
ReplyDeleteSandy: Awh girl, I didn't know you felt like this! I knew about a few things from health class (honestly, the only things we had ever really talked about were boys from Compton, John Foster's matching skills, you, me, and the occasional "oh my god i hate freshmen!"), but I didn't know how hard it was for you! You probably already know this, but if you ever need another one of those friend get togethers, you know my numba! I'm here for you when you need me! <3
Jon W: Oh my god, I am so sorry to hear that about your grandparents and your aunt. My uncle right now has stomach cancer and liver cancer, and it is really hard for me because everyone in my family knows that the chemo wasn't working before they stopped the treatments and that his disease is terminal. He only weighs 115 pounds and he is always getting fluids drained from his fragile body. I've cried a lot about this, and I'm just so scared of loosing him. Honestly, just seeing your sentence and the word "Cancer" made me tear up, and i started crying. I try not to think about the worst, but people say that sometimes if you expect it coming it won't hit you as hard when it actually does. I just don't know what to do.
Taylor: Thanks Taylor, I love to sit diagon alley from you in history too! And thanks for saying all that stuff about me being strong and looking at life differently. That means a LOTTT because if a good friend think I'm doing a good job, than i must be!
ReplyDeleteKristen!: Kristen, aww thanks girl! You're so right about soccer and everything. And me writing that blog was pretty hard, but I'm glad I got positive responses from it. I hoped it taught everyone to appreciate what they have because if not they will learn it soon enough! Miss you!!
And Lauren: Thanks!!!!! I know I keep on saying thanks, but I mean it! I don't even know what else to say you guys are all so nice and supportive about things to me.
ReplyDeleteSorry to say thanks again, but thanks for saying I'm a lot like my mom!
And from all the responses I'm getting like how my post made people cry, well that wasn't my intention at all :/
Throughout my sixteen years of life, so far my life is dull like a rock sitting in the middle of a vacant road, never exciting or dramatic. Nobody has died in my family that greatly effected me in any way. My parents are together so I have no concern at that aspect of my life. I’ve never been out of this country (even though I desire to do so). Nobody entered my life that changed me inside out. To top it off, I’m a quiet, awkward little minority that makes life even more boring. I have, however, been through obstacles. I’ve been teased of my faith and mostly my name and used to hurt me a lot. I realized, then, there are ignorant people that exist so the only thing I can do is brush my shoulders off and walk away. Going to school, learning and maturing mentally is, maybe, the beginning of my journey. Throughout my education I’ve been exposed of more of the negative about this world than the positive. If only I had a journey like Superman’s, running off to the wilderness, encountering kryptonite and BAM! I have powers to kill off all the evil forces. Anyways, who knows what’s to come in life? When things will come in life? The world is still out for me to explore! Janie, in Their Eyes Were Watching God, was only sixteen when she heads off to her ‘journey‘.
ReplyDeleteThough my life is boring, I appreciate it. I appreciate everything in everyway possible. I appreciate my strict but supportive parents and everything they have given me like food, home, siblings and guidance. I could’ve been in a more worse state, like people in Darfur; starving and dying slowly. I appreciate my Indian origins, because without it I wouldn’t have found peace within myself. I appreciate that I’m living this very moment. I appreciate those who make the world a much better place to live in, like my fellow classmates! I’m just a girl going with the flow of life. There’s nothing to question about the future because life is too mysterious to predict. And as for the past, I honestly tried to dig in the piles of memories in my head but ended up reminiscing about the joyous events that had no significance of a journey. I hear it all the time, life has its ups and downs, life isn’t fair… hopefully I will have the strength for whatever comes my way.
Zakiy: I'm really glad you told me to read this and you value my opinion. So here it is: you're such a smart person and I'm glad you stop letting people get to you. I wish I had the same courage cause I really care what people think. It seems you're on the road to a better life. Don't let your parents get to you, if things get hard just focus on your sports and homework, and Jay-z and Tina Tuner lol. Just keep your head on your shoulders and get a good group of friends and just have a good time. You're smart so I know you'll figure it out.
ReplyDeleteTaylor: It was hard for me to read your blog actually, cause you're such a pretty girl and so smart and you should really have more confidence. I miss how we don't hang out so I hope you don't think you can't talk to me. I love you girl and you're funny, optimistic self. I love when you're perky, so don't be sensitive, cause I don't enjoy it and I like you happy. Or if you're down, drink some coffee lol. So, you know, bless your heart (thanks for the shout out, by the way) and don't ever get brought down or beat yourself up. You have too much going for you kid.
So I don’t think my life has been as difficult as the lives of others, it has come with some problems but not many real major ones. Basically the one thing that has really affected me throughout my life would be my dad. When I was younger my dad basically ditched me and my mom. I can remember hearing a friend talk about her dad and how amazing he was but just after hearing a few words of what she said all that came to my mind was a single question. I wonder what it’s like to have a dad? Of course I knew I had a dad but what that question really referred to was the wondering of a 6 year old asking herself what it was like to have someone around to call daddy and to talk to. All I really knew about my dad was that he lived somewhere in Florida. I had gone to visit him once but I couldn’t really remember him. In a way I kind of forgot he existed for a few years. That might sound a little bad but even though my mom had made attempts to keep him up to date with my life, he had still lost contact with me. He was supposed to call every week just to talk but that lasted all of one week. He visited me once near Christmas time, bringing along with him my little half brother who was about 3 at the time. I was still shy around my father and basically I hid behind my mother because in my eyes he was a stranger. Well a few years passed and he got married and had two more children. This was the point where I realized that he had other priorities now. I invited him to my birthday every year and he always said he’d be there but unfortunately he only made it to one. I would sit at my birthday parties hoping he would show up but no sign of him or at least not until months later when he’d call and act like my birthday hadn’t even existed. I guess when I was younger I thought I deserved a little attention from him so that I’d feel like he actually cared but as time passed that thought faded. I realized that he had other kids and he had a life in Florida. How could he ditch all that just to visit me? I started seeing things from what I considered his point of view. Unfortunately I also started to think that I was not that important. I wasn’t worth his time. He had a wife, three beautiful kids, a big house, and a really good job. He had the dream life so where would I fit in? Well I felt like I didn’t really matter to him because he already had his perfect life. Then I realized that I have a pretty good life too. I have my mom, my grandparents, and an aunt and uncle who all live near me and have always been there for me. I realized that they were all way more important than obsessing over if my dad cared or not. So I just blocked him out of my life so I could focus on the good and attempt forgetting the bad. In recent years he has tried being in my life more and I’ve blocked him out a little but I’m still trying to let go of all the things that he has said and done. He’s making an attempt now though and even though I’m glad he is I know that I am lucky either way. My life has been good so far and yes I do wish that he had been a part of it when I was younger but either way I’m still happy with how my life has been. The absence of his presence has shaped my life in some ways and given me certain beliefs that I can not change no matter what.
ReplyDeleteJessie B: I’ve known you since kindergarten and you told me about what happened to your eye when we were both very young. I remember the first time you told me I could barely grasp the concept you were throwing my way. The one thing I do remember thinking though is that you were one of my bravest and greatest friends. You still are such a great friend to this day. Anyway every time you remind me of this it reminds me of how courageous you are and how you are such a great person. Keep that wonderful personality of yours and all the optimism that follows!
ReplyDeleteKristen D: I barely know you but just from reading what you wrote I think you are amazing. I can not even imagine how much that must’ve hurt to not know where your brother was for a while especially since you were so close to him. I think it’s great that you still seem to have a bright, positive attitude though. I basically just want to applaud you for your strength!
Lucas S: Okay so I talk to you almost every day and I never realized you were that insecure. I don’t think you are dull at all. I remember talking to you and Andy freshmen year and you guys always made me laugh. Just try to speak up and let people see that side of you. Be yourself and if you feel that someone is laughing at you then try not to worry about them because they are probably just as insecure as everyone else. I am so glad to hear that you still have faith in people though, that’s always a great thing to hear.
Chrissy : There are so many qualities about you that are just amazing, and I finally know where they are all coming from. Being friends with you for so long and always hanging out with you back in the day I never really asked about what happened to your parents. I remember trying to comfort you on days you were upset, or calling you trying to get your dad to let you stay home and hang out with the group but him always saying no. Yet, you never really asked for much help. You were so strong and you are right in saying everything happens for a reason. This has shaped you into the wonderful person you are today. You now understand life is not perfect. However, you know you have lots of people supporting you if you ever need someone to talk to.
ReplyDeleteJonW: Two years ago my uncle died from cancer. Every time I saw him he would say “How’s the amazing field hockey player doing” or “When are you going to let me see you play hockey.” I remember him vividly, but I only remember him when he was sick. I was the youngest cousin and this was the first person I had lost close to me. “In the end I thought to myself death isn’t the end it’s just the beginning, and without death we wouldn’t understand how much that person influenced our lives.” You are so right when you say this. With your aunt I know you admire her greatly and the same with my uncle. Both were so strong and now they are leaving it to us to stay strong.
Kristie: I had known somewhat about your life, but not to this extent. Wow. I could never image that happening to me but you are very fortunate to have Bill. You know that I am there for you if you ever need anything, but the way you have stuck it out on your own is admirable. I am glad that you are able to grow from this experience. From the little Kristie I first met to the person you are now, you have matured so much! I know last year might have been a little bit of a buzz kill when you met your father and he has not really seen you since. I know people who love you more than you think. Never think that because one abandoned you other people will too.
“That could’ve been you on tv!”…
ReplyDelete“I lost the greatest gymnast to ever set foot in this place when you quit”
The biggest decision I have ever made was when I decided to quit gymnastics. From age five to around twelve all I had known was gymnastics. Week nights for four hours, and Saturdays for six, that was all I knew. My summers were filled with practices from 8 to 2 for six days a week. Some might have called it a “job,” or a normal “sport,” but I called it life. You could say that working out with girls twice my age, and being the youngest girl in the state of New Jersey to bring home gold at my level shaped my life. Or maybe it could have been the offers to move out west and train for the 2012 Olympics? My journey as a gymnast was filled with not a care in the world. I loved what I did, and the people who made a difference in my life. I never frowned, only focused. Yes, this journey had an effect on who I am today, but it was not the whole journey.
As I began to mature and see the world around me, I began to notice people at school playing other sports. I received feedback from my father, who was ante-gymnastics from the beginning, about a sport called softball. Soon after I was forced to try it, while still going to gymnastics. The sport was okay, but I picked it up within an instant and loved the attention I received. Beyond my better judgment in the spur of the moment I quit gymnastics. Here is where my journey begins.
Every night I have spent wondering what would have happened if I had left my dad and brother and moved out west to train? What would I be doing now? Who would my friends be? Emotion stir in my head and I know everyday in my heart that I miss the sport. I miss my friends and coaches. I miss everything about it. This struggle is all mental. Everyday I would hear “Do you miss it” and every time I would say no but I figured lying to other people would make me realize that maybe I do not miss it. Except it only made me miss it more. The hardest part of the decision was knowing that I made it myself. I chose to leave something that I love.
I know now that I should not regret anything. I love my friends. I love field hockey. Most importantly, I love being able to just be a kid. I could have trained and been home schooled for the Olympics. Yet, I am here now enjoying what life is really about. However, looking back on my decision I do not think I would be where I am today if I could do it all over again. I have changed for the better, and done it without the help from anyone. No one knows how I feel about the subject because I don’t ever bring it up. It is part of my past that I will never forget, but the mental journey is still going on.
Kaitlin,
ReplyDeleteI really admire how close you are to you’re family. In my opinion, not enough families, especially as we become teenagers, keep such a close bond with their relatives. I know mine doesn’t. My entire life, I’ve probably only seen each of my cousins once or twice, possible even never. They lived so far away that meeting them would be awkward. It would be as if they were from a completely different family. You probably see yourself as very fortunate to have that connection. But like friends, family members move on with their fast-paced lives. Unfortunately, the feelings you feel about your relatives will be the same when our class graduates. Just have the time of your life now. Then, when we all move our separate ways, know that we’re all going to bigger and better places.
I don’t want this to sound like I lead a perfect life, because that’s definitely not the case. I’ve had my fair share of troubles, but they weren’t as difficult to overcome as my classmates’. My parents aren’t divorced, I’ve never lost someone who has influenced my life, I haven’t “technically” been in a relationship, and as a result I never had to deal with boy drama… Basically, I lead a boring life. All I do is go to sleep, go to school, and go to swim practice, it’s a never-ending cycle.
ReplyDeleteBefore I begin with my journey, here’s a little bit of background information. Last year around this time I switched swim teams. I had been swimming with my previous team since I was about eight, so it came as a shock to my coach and my swim friends. I, on the other hand, was super excited. After I realized how awful my “swim friends” treated me, their cruelty worsened when I actually did leave. I could not wait to begin practicing and competing with my new teammates. I was one of eight people in a group full of state champions, Division I bound seniors, high expectations, and a VERY intimidating coach. The only question I asked myself during the first practice was “how am I going to finish out the season?” I was one of the five who made it through and, needless to say, I swam all best times that season. However, I knew I could do more.
Fast forward to June 2009, and this is where my journey begins.
The summer season of swimming is very different from the winter season. First of all, it’s done in 50m pools (“olympic size”/two Hess pools put together) and is four months long instead of seven. However, swimmers still have to train for summer swimming the same as winter swimming in half the time. So how do you solve this time issue? With double practices, of course! From June 22 until August 4, I was expected to attend practice eleven times per week and work harder than I ever thought I could every day of my summer. No big deal, right? Wrong! I devoted my ENTIRE summer to swimming (a.k.a. I only missed four practices the whole season) and was disappointed with my times at the meet in August. ☹
Fast forward (again) to September 2009.
After busting my butt all summer I talked to my coach and told him that I wasn’t satisfied with my performance over the past three months. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, (these aren’t the exact words because I can’t remember them but it’s the basic dialogue of our conversation) “Are you kidding me? You did awesome this summer! Dan (my other coach) and I were worried in March, with Hayley and Emily graduating, that we wouldn’t have anyone to lead the group. But over the summer you proved to us that you can do just that. You have to step up and lead your group this year because the other girls are looking up to you now.” When I walked into the locker room I started thinking about what Matt said and figured he was right. I worked hard this summer, I did exactly as I was told, and I can accomplish my goals; all I have to do is believe in myself.
All in all, I went on a journey this summer without even knowing it. My “call” was my coaches strict attendance policy for the summer season. The threshold was my faith in trusting that I could accomplish eleven practices a week and then choosing the unknown path that would force me to work harder than ever before. One of the greatest challenges, along with many, many others, I can remember was the day our main set was ten 400 IMs and I made it on the “A” interval, without stopping, and without vomiting. My abyss was at the end-of-season meet. I just couldn’t swim fast, and it still bothers me to this day. Ironically, my transformation happened just last week when I met with my coach. I realized that I didn’t waste my time this summer. Instead, I transformed into a swimmer who isn’t afraid to work hard or motivate and set an example for her fellow teammates. The atonement happened as I wrote this blog and realized how much I have learned throughout this entire endeavor. The gift, however, I do not have yet. My journey will be complete in March 2010 when I win a state championship.
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ReplyDeleteOh dear, everyone’s blogs have already made me feel like my journey is immature and selfish. Here it goes anyway.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, as I’m sure every single person in this whole freaking school knows, softball is my main focus at the moment (besides AP work). I don’t think people understand how much I truly give up in my daily life to be able to field a ground ball just a little but better or hit a ball just a little bit farther. I go right from school to volleyball and then to softball 5 days a week. On the weekends I play three games a day. I have about an hour when I get home before I’m wiped out on my bed in complete exhaustion and I fall into a sweet sleep. I spend all of the time in the car doing homework and I still barely have time to finish. This is why my freshman year, I was devastated when high school softball started.
As a pitcher, when colleges look to recruit you, the first thing they care about is speed. How fast can you throw the ball? A good fastball is about 65 miles per hour. I’m currently at 60. I sit through this same three-sentence speech about three times a week. Not only was I under the stress of getting my speed up but, to begin the season, I was not on varsity. In fact, I didn’t even know where I was until halfway through the season. The reason I didn’t make varsity at first... speed. My competition had about two more miles per hour than me and she got the spot. I was absolutely devastated. I got in the car in the school parking lot every day after practice and cried my eyes out. Sure, I was upset about not pitching, but I had so many more things to offer to the team. I promise you, at the college level I am just as good, if not a better asset to the team as a first baseman and a hitter. I thought constantly, why am I even doing this when I’m not getting noticed? I just kept thinking of all the wasted hours of y life spent on something that wasn’t paying itelf off in the future. I had don way too much in my career to have this happen to me! Halfway through my freshman year, I was put into a varsity game and did phenomenal. In college, more important than speed, but constantly overlooked, is movement on your pitches. I worked hard and moved the ball in and out of the strike zone and striking out batters. Since then, I’ve been on varsity all three years. The other pitcher and I split time and I’ve done extremely well.
The reason I hated myself during those couple of months is because I started to hate my competition. I was always worried how much faster than me she was I wasn’t having fun anymore. I actually lost my friendship with this person over some stupid high school roster spot. I’m ashamed that I let the competition get so fierce when it wasn’t even that big of a deal to begin with.
The good news is, my competition and I are very good friends now. We talk a lot and we have fun on and off the field. I just regret those months when we hated one another for no reason at all.
I’m not quite sure whether this experience can be looked at as positively or negatively. I feel as though I am I stronger competitor, but I realized that maybe that’s not always such a good thing. Either way, I’m happy with the way things are now. I just could have saved myself a lot of tears and stress if I’d not worried so much about the little things.
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ReplyDeleteOkay for my comment I posted and then reading everybody else’s I sound like I have no life -_-… anyways I’m proud of everybody, this was a tough and personal subject for many of you.
ReplyDeleteTo Kaitlin H:
I am, also, from a huge family and all of my cousins are close to me too. Unlike your cousins, my cousins are slackers and took college as a joke. I mean I love them and they’re like best friends, but I’m definitely not going to be like that, living life in regret, wondering how life would be like if they became something. One of my cousins, she’s 23, is going back to college to become like a pharmacist or something, I forget. Now they have a family and they’re settled as well. But it’s an advantage to have influence from your older cousins and sister, you become the best you can be learning from all of them. I’ll probably end up being the first in my family to go to college and then my sister. Also, I think what your sister did was very nice, I’ll probably end up doing that for my sister next year…I’ll see.
To Taylor:
Taylor, I think your so pretty and smart! I don’t know how you can hate seeing yourself in the mirror. I have very low confidence but its progressing. I sometimes hate looking at myself in the mirror, even to this day. It‘s on and off kind of thing for me, I‘ll think I‘m ugly one day an the other days I look fine. Besides, looks don’t make up a who you really are! Anyways, I’m glad you realize your beauty.
To: Deanna
You’ve been a good friend of mine since 8th grade. You’re very intelligent and beautiful! I was fascinated by your dragon ball z character drawings, you’re so talented! You were so mature and viewed things so differently for an 8th grader which made me respect you even more. You deserve everything you ever worked for and I’m proud that you did it!
Kelsey Cheek: I recently faced a similar situation. I love to ride horses, thats something anyone who really knows me already knows. I've been told by so many people that my natural talent is incredible and its the only thing in this world that makes me truly happy. And about two weeks ago I decided to quit to salvage what is left of my family. I can't go through with it, I'm starting up again shortly, but every night I think about what I could accomplish if I had the time to do another sport or focus on another career. I sympathize with how you feel and I hope you find peace with your decision. From what I DO know about you, you're gonna go far no matter what it is you pursue. I wish you the best of luck.
ReplyDeleteLucas, I think I may have cracked the "shell" a tad! haha
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ReplyDeleteAlix L: I was really touched by your story. I'm still self conscious about my appearance today, so I felt like I connected to your story. Freshmen year I always saw you as super confident. You were always smiling and you were never nervous. Then when I got closer to you, I saw that you felt just like I did at times. I really see you as such a beautiful person, and I strive to be as cool as you are! I love you! Don't ever let anyone bring you down again! ...or i'll punch them!
ReplyDeleteShelly - I'm really glad we've gotten closer. With each blog you write, I feel like I get a deeper understanding of your feelings too. You shouldn't have to depend on anyone, but I want to be a friend you can come to if you need anything. I think you are so lovely and I adore your personality. I was so happy when you gave your presentation today. You were awesome! I'm glad you went through with it and weren't afraid. I hope things get better for you in the future and you become even more awesome than you are now! Woo!
Chrissy - Wow, just wow. I don't mean to sound rude or mean at all, but I would have never guessed. You're always so happy and nice, I didn't think you had those kinds of burdens. I can usually tell by someone's attitude or personality, but you keep your emotions and past under control and I respect you so much for that.
Where to start. . . I’ve been through a vast number of “obstacles” throughout the 16yr, 9mth, and 9days living on this planet; a lot that I have experienced at a very very young age. Some may think that experiencing deaths of loved one, unfortunate accidents, drugs, and even sex at a young age may manipulate that child’s mind for the rest of their life. But, I don’t believe that, at least not 100% of the time. (About 5% to be exact) I believe that it all depends on how you are raised and most importantly who you are has a person, in the inside. Theirs that old saying that “You are who you parents are” In my opinion, that’s complete bullshit. I mean, some children do follow their parent’s footsteps but, that’s because they choose to follow. The same thing goes for the children that are “bad” they are that way because they CHOOSE to be that way. This will all come together as you further read my blog and read the “journey” in my life that has changed the way I view life today.
ReplyDeleteAs a young child I was pretty bad. I wasn’t a child that a mother had wished for to have. Everything went completely downhill when I was in 5th grade. That year was a hard year for my family and I. That was the year that my mother had decided to move in with the man she had been dating for about 5 years back then. However, this was the type of man that you wouldn’t mind hanging out with every once in a while but to live with was a no no. This guy was a detective for the Pleasantville police department. Meaning we lived in Pleasantville, meaning I went to Pleasantville middle school at the time. This man was the strictest man I had ever met as a parent. He wanted everything down when he wanted the way he wanted the moment he said it. He expected nothing but perfect from us. It one thing to make a child to clean the kitchen but to making them to get on their knees every night to scrub the kitchen floor was brutal. If one feather was seen as he walked around the house it meant we were the most ungrateful, idiotic children in the world. One thing that bothered me the most was when my brother was younger his mind was not to his grade level. Meaning he took special ed for a long time. So instead of being a “normal” parent and supporting him and helping him out when he needed it. He would beat him for getting a mathematical problem wrong. And his beating weren’t just a belt whopping he would literally beat him up. Pick him up toss him around slapping him. My brother wasn’t the only one that got beat though my sister would occasionally would to once in awhile just because she wanted to hang out with her brother instead of hanging out with her “girlfriends” (Friends that are girls) I was the fortunate child though I had got beat by him once. Not because I was a saint because I wasn’t but I always thought it was because I threatened I would call the cops the first time he did and he never touched me after that let alone talked to me he would always tell my mom to tell me to do something. Now, y’all might be thinking your mom let him do this to y’all. Well in a way yes but not because she thought it was right but because at the time we were financially not able to support ourselves. We would have been living in the streets if we hadn’t moved in with him. So even though we were young we kind of understood. However, this is where my bad behavior started to kick in.
Part 1
ReplyDeleteI can’t remember much from my childhood, but what I can remember is horrifying to me. I was born a very lucky baby, I not only had an amazing mother and father, but I also had family who loved me to death. This lasted a little over 3 years. In October of 1996, at my 4th birthday party, my father caught my mother with her boss in one of the bedrooms. This was the start of a long and messy divorce. During which time period my mother went crazy and became very abusive, she knew how much I loved my dad and resented me for that. My father, my old babysitter (who happened to be the boss’s wife), and my pediatrician all called DYFS. They did nothing. For the next four years my life was hell. I only lived with my mother on weekends, but every Friday when she came for me after school I would beg my dad not to make me go. My teachers used to tell us not to use the word hate, because you never truly hate something. I knew at a very young age I hated my mother.
Around the age of 8 the physical abuse stopped and it was only mental. I was too fat, to annoying, and not social enough. I remember how amazed I used to be when we would have “Bully” assemblies at our school, considering school was where I felt safe. I think the reason school is so important to me is because, I’ve always been good at it and it’s the only thing I never got yelled at for.
I can’t remember exactly when, but at some point I just snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore and I fought back. My mother and I would go at it for hours, and then eventually I would flee to my room and stay there until Sunday when my dad came to pick me up. At the time of the fights, it felt better to fight back. However, I don’t know if being by my self in my room all weekend was better than spending time with her and “the boss”.
Part 2
ReplyDeleteI know this sounds crazy, but one day it all stopped. I don’t know how or why, and I don’t care. Believe it or not my mom is one of my best friends now. I tell her everything that goes on from friends to school (excluding this blog). The mother I love today and the mother I hated for 8 years are not the same people. I made a personal decision about a year ago when my Nanny died to forgive my mom, and I have cried for the past thirty minutes writing this blog and remembering everything that happened. It took about 12 years, and my life is no where near perfect. But I can honestly say I’m happy.
Everything I went through has taught me that people can change. I try to always look at things from the opposite point of view, and search for the good in people. I was forced to grow up fast, but I learned a lot doing so. I would never have choose his journey, but I also don’t think I would be who I am today without taking. God, I’d be attending a highschool in Wildwood right with a class size of 60!!!!! This blog is one of the hardest things I’ve done in years. I’m glad its over, but I’m also glad I did it!!!
PART 2:
ReplyDeleteI was and still am a “smartass”, the only thing I have died down a little for my future, I only use it now for jokes. As 5th grade started, going into middle school, in Pleasantville at that, I guess I can admit I started to follow the wrong crowd. With this crowd we would skip classes together hanging out in the bathrooms. (No homo) It was pretty mixed girls would come in the guys and viversa. I would sit in class and as the teacher was talking I would either start singing the SpongeBob theme song out loud so that even the security guards in the halls could hear me or roll up paper balls and throw them at the teacher. I would pick random fights with the teachers with me cursing them out. I would get suspended one week, come back one day, and be suspended the next. My goal was to try to get ISS, because ISS there, at my time there was the best. We played games and watched movies all day. Because if not we would beat up the teacher. Once the VP caught onto that I would just be strictly suspended. All this I did from the frustration I had from my house.
Over the time, 6 months, with living with this man my mom finally realized that we couldn’t live with him no longer. So, one weekend when he went to some army business we packed up all our stuff and moved in with my aunt. Even though we had moved away from him and then I had no more excuses for my bad behaviors, I was still acting up. Honestly, because I seen it all as fun. Everything that was fun to do in school was something I wasn’t supposed to do. It was like a drug and I was addicted to that type of behavior. It got up to the point that one day my aunt took my brother, sister, and I out to a bbq. I decided to mess with her car and when she said to stop I said, “F*** you.” At that moment in time she called my mother and said she didn’t have to go but I had to, that she had never been so disrespected like that in her life, at least not by a 10 year old. So my mother had no choice but to send me to my dads, which where he lived in North Carolina. My father is not a father that you would want to live with. Not because he was stick but, because he lived very poorly. He lived with his mother in a trailer at the time my brother and I moved there. My aunt, on my father side, felt bad for the way we had to live so decided to help us out by moving us all in to a much bigger house, where they all split the rent. But, as always my father after awhile wouldn’t pay his part and would always pick a fight with someone. So after awhile we all eventually went our own ways again moving back into the trailer close to the previous one, with his mother once again. Everything was okay though, I didn’t like the way we lived but I accepted it. But one summer my mom decided to come and visit my brother and it was then I realized that my mom had done so much stuff for us so we could have a pretty life. It was then I changed my life around. It was then I realized that my life is too valuable to screw it up for emotions that I may have towards someone because at the end of the day, no matter how mad I may be at someone, my anger is not what’s going to get me through my days on this planet. So, I fixed myself up, my mom bought her own house and my brother and I moved back with her.
Back to my saying, my mother was a wonderful parent in raising me, still raising me and I was nothing like her, she was never bad. And she never raised me to be that way but, I chose to be that way but, then I chose to go the right way, to prove to everyone, yes I had all my fun, but from now on there’s no more playing around. I have a future to live and I don’t want to live it in the street, I want to live it, living large.
Zakiy-
ReplyDeleteI talked to you about your post a little bit in school today, but it was sort of in passing, so I didn't say all I wanted to say.
You're amazing. Ever since I met you, you've always been so strong in who you are. If I remember correctly, you won the "Most Talkative" superlative in eighth grade. I would put money on you winning "Biggest Ego" next year, and I say that out of love.
I didn't know you when we were really young, so I don't know if you stood out in the same way you do now, but I personally believe that the jerkfaces who belittled you were jealous of your confidence. Even when you don't say anything, which is extremely rare, your confidence simply radiates. There have been times after talking to you that I've walked away wondering how you manage to carry that confidence. If I were an evil, heartless jerk, I might try to tear that away from you.
I know that this is pretty long for a comment, but I felt the need to say it.
In the words of Lizzie Maguire, "You're cool. Don't ever change."
Chrissy H:
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one that had their parents split up at an early age, I was only two. My parents never really got married so there were never really any court arrangements, only for when my mom would try to get my dad to help out by paying child support. I know you may have you feelings towards your dad for what he did but, at least he cares enough about you to fight for you in court, to stay in touch with you. My father has never tried to support my brother, sister and me. He doesn’t even call. I have officially haven’t spoken to my dad for a year now all because he got mad because I asked him to send us some money so we could buy clothes for school. But, at the end of the day he will always be your father and by reading your blog a caring one.
Zakiy:
ReplyDeleteYour story was pretty inspirational. Not that I really ever cared what people thought of me, okay maybe a little, but your absolutely right, No one should care what other people think, they are not the ones helping you succeed in life. They only way they are helping you is motivating you to prove to everyone who you really are and to show no matter how one may talk that doesn’t define who you are as a person. You have always been a friend of mine and always will be. This year is going to be a good year for us but, only if we work at it. We have to show everyone on the XC and track team what we have.
From my first steps into social world, my troubles began. Before I even shook off the fear of starting school for the very first time, I was labeled as the 'quiet' one. And it seems as if all of my problems stem from that. As a child, it was no big deal. I keep to myself and made very few friends and virtually no close friends. Family- wise, also, I never was close to my family. I never associated myself with my family other than the basic food, shelter, money, and other necessities parents provide for their child. Thus, I pretty much spent my childhood blissfully unaware of my solitude. I basked in the fun I could conjure up on my own. Of course, I had a few friends throughout the years and I have spent time with my sisters a couple times. However, none of it was deeply personal. In a way, I was on my own since elementary school.
ReplyDeleteUp until the end of middle school, nothing bothered me. It felt natural for a "shy" person like me to, well, have the least amount of friends or talk to the less. I didn't realize that I was missing out on so much of life because I only lived what can be done alone. As I watched everyone changed through the years, I felt as if I was the same person. Nothing drastic happened to me that changed my personality.
Then high school came suddenly. Freshmen year was, by far, the worst year of my life. I actually began it with a pretty positive spirit. I wanted to live four extremely happy years in high school. However, as summer band practices progressed, I felt the emptiness of being alone. Beginning in high school meant I had to be outgoing to be noticed. For me, that was difficult to change because I was so used to acting for myself that talking didn't seem like a necessary ability. Geez, was I wrong! By freshmen year, I realized how confusing I was when I spoke and how hard it was for me to say what I thought. By the end of that summer, many of my freshmen peers made friends with upperclassmen who even nicknamed all the freshmen with a fruit. Expect me, of course.
During that summer, I also experience a devastating personal conflict that is too difficult for me to talk about. Even now, I still can't bare the thought of it. In fact, I skip over it, or call it some vague name, when writing in my secret journals. It's something I see everyday but cannot handle to even say it aloud. It has nothing to do with my "quietness", but unfortunately, it began the summer before high school. I fell into a deep misery where nothing seemed to matter. I couldn't look life into the eye and say I wanted to live it.
With the combination of this conflict and my loneliness, I decided to quit talking FOREVER. The only time I spoke was for my parents, my teachers, and my peers if asked a specific question. I went days without saying a single word. I walked through the hallways of Oakcrest like a zombie who just goes through the motions of life. And the worst part was that nobody noticed. All the students in school knew I was quiet. After all, I've hidden my personality for so many years that it was uncanny for me to begin now. My family was no help. In my eyes, their only purpose is to feed me and pay for the finances until I move out. Like usual, I was on my own, except that year, I experienced the pains of loneliness. For one year, I never said a single word that didn't relate to getting picked up, doing schoolwork, or other meaningless garbage. Even today, the people in my life are unaware of the miserable, torturous state I was in during freshmen year.
Yet, that was freshmen year. That was a full year of living in my "abyss." That will never happen again, I hope. Obviously, I am no longer in the abyss. What brought me out was my 'guardian.' Unexpectedly, I was my own guardian. I single handedly took the road back to society. A spirit inside of me called out "NO MORE." It may have been a combination of inspiration songs, dramatic television shows, and my own independence. Whatever caused it, I'm not sure, but whatever it was, I'm so thankful for it. As freshmen year ended, I realized that it was my fault that socially, I was inept. It was my fault that I stopped talking. I couldn't blame anyone else for it; I had to take the blame and fix my problems. Thus, I was my own psychiatrist, my own parent, my own best friend, my own "guardian."
ReplyDeleteIn the end, sophomore year was MY freshmen year. I gained countless insight into my self and the world. If I had to write down everything I learned during this rocky journey, I couldn't even fill the all the walls in the gyms, as well as the floor, the ceiling, and all the equipment. I see myself in a completely different light: powerfully independent with the ability to do anything and everything. I took drastic steps to improve my self-confidence and ability to interact with others. For example, I changed my school life by becoming what I've eyed since the end of middle school: a trumpet player and a runner. Switching to trumpet was the best decision I made in high school. And running makes me feel STRONG and ALIVE. Sophomore year was the year that I began what most people went through during their freshmen year. Though late, it's better to be late than never make it at all.
Evidently, I am not a silent person anymore. I'm ecstatic and thrilled about how much I've changed. This journey, however, may never end. Even though it's junior year, I'm still in the process of growing and improving myself socially. Looking back to that year, I'm so proud of myself for crawling out of that bottom-less pit of despair where nothing in the world mattered. At this point of my life, I feel like I'm on the top of the world. Although, many times, I still find myself lonely with no one in the world to talk to, I see my situation in with a brighter perspective. I am an unconstrained individual, whether it shows or not, and I will not be silent ever again.
Most people know me as the happy, loud, garrulous girl. People have come to expect me to be constantly joyful to such an extent that even when I am in a thoughtful mood, ten people come to ask me if something is wrong. That is my adopted role in high school; the smiling and joking girl in the back of the classroom. Yet, and only a handful of people know this, I am the polar opposite of happy. 90% of the time I feel depressed, insecure, and alone. The always smiling Uroosa is only a façade.
ReplyDeletePlease don’t get me wrong. My life is not shitty. In fact I have a better life than most would pray for. Yet, I can not help but feel cheated out of my innocence and childhood. As many of you know, my mom is a severe epileptic. She has dealt with this handicapping disease for almost twenty five years. I have dealt with her disease as far as I can remember.
Growing up, my mother wasn’t like the typical mother. She loved me and took care of me to the best of her abilities. She is the best mother anyone can ask for. I had to pick up the slack when my father was working his two jobs.
One of the most terrifying memories I retained from my childhood is when I was six years old. My mother had the worst seizure, right in the middle of the street. Cars honked as they passed and people look at her like she was a freak. As my mother writhed on the ground in pain, I just sat next to her crying and kissing her face, begging her to wake up. Finally some woman called the 911. As the ambulance took her away, Child Services tore me away from my mommy. Those bastards tried to deem my mother “unfit” mother because of her disability. They refused to let me go home, even after my mother was better. They kept me in one of those godforsaken homes for 2 nights. They finally let me go home with my father after he threatened to sue them. I have never told anyone this before and now I am writing in a public blog. Isn’t that weird?
My mother usually spent weeks at a time either at psychotic facilities or hospitals. During her absence I had to take care of my sisters. I had to tell them to stop crying, when, being a child, I wanted to cry myself. She would have them so much that when I was 9 years old, I would check up on her every fifteen minutes and would make sure she was breathing in her sleep. Even now, I never want to go out because I fear that she will have a seizure and will be all alone.
When my mother was home, the doctors would give her so many antidepressants and other medications that she would just sleep all day. She would make efforts to stay awake and talk to us, but usually she would doze off in the middle of her attempts.
I would like to make it clear that I DO NOT blame my mother for any of this. It has NEVER and WILL never be her fault. It is just how life unfolds sometimes.
Most of my childhood I spent scared and alone. I was there for everyone but myself. I kept everything to myself because when I did share my emotions; my mother would blame herself for everything wrong in my life. That only resulted in her feeling like crap for something that was not her fault. That would also result in another seizure, put on by emotional distress, and another few days in the hospital. Hence the “happy” face was born. It began as a way as to not to be a burden on my family. Then it slowly evolved into being a very bad habit that I have no control on anymore.
With the risk of sounding like a religious lunatic, I must admit that my belief in God helped me through everything. When I could not talk to anyone about just how much I abhorred aspects of life, I would talk to God. I believe that my experiences (though I probably blew it way out of proportion) helped me more mature. However I believe that it has shaped horrible habitual habits in my personality. For example, my inability to show how I feel. Instead I pretend to be joyful, even though, in reality it emotionally drains me to act so. I am working on it though. Perhaps one day I can show my real Uroosness, the good with the bad, to the entire world instead of keeping it bottled up.
Shirley
ReplyDeleteI had no idea you went through this freshman year! I'm so glad you were able to overcome it, you must be a very strong person. I hope we can get to know each other better this year!
Sandy
ReplyDeleteI hope everything thing works out with your dad. My dad is my favorite person in the world, and I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to loose that. I think its great that you want to try and fix your relationship with him. A lot of people I know feel their parents don’t understand them, and just rebel.
Zakiy
I had no idea you went through all that, but I’m glad you ended up here. You are an awesome person (a little argumentative) but still awesome. I’m glad you realized that before I met you because, if I had met a tough guy we would NOT be friends!!!
Robert
Wow. That was amazing. I remember two days ago at the bus stop when we were talking about parallelism and you know the Greek rote and what it ment. I was shocked, but now it kind of makes sense. I think its great that you shared this. I feel like I understand you so much better.
Uroosa 'Roos Roos' Zeb - I COMPLETELY understand what you mean when you talk about putting on a happy facade for everyone to see. And as a person who just recently learned to put let guard down, I can honestly say that it feels a lot better than constantly trying to be happy. I know that you find it really hard to tell people your emotions but that shouldn't stop you from showing everyone your true self. I consider myself very privileged to have gotten to know you beyond what others see from you. And if you ever need to release any of your bottled up feeling, I'm still here. As always. Haha. Hopefully, one day soon everyone will get to experience your amazingness also. :]
ReplyDeleteShirley 'You Go Girl!' Ngo - I never knew you felt that way freshman year either. :/ Mann. I remember you being really quiet, but I figured you were just adjusting to the high school way of life. I'm really happy that you were able to overcome it though! Your totally right in saying that your no longer quiet anymore. Haha. But I love seeing how much brighter and excited you have become about life and everything around you. :D I can't wait to see how much more you progress in the future!
ReplyDeleteTo Shirely N. : Shirely, You have truly come out of your shell. I have always like you, but last year was the first time that you introduced me to the real Shirely. Now I know you have a freak flag, so its nice to see you wave it ever so often. I am really proud of you for making such a giant change all by yourself. I hope someof your perservance rubs off on me. I truly love you Shirely Ngo, knowing you has been a wonderful experience in my life.
ReplyDeleteTo Kristen D: Family has a huge impact on our lives. It is a beautiful how much you love your brother and how you refuse to give up on him. I know that is not easy, especially since he does not seem to want to help himself. In my opinion it is better to feel and hurt, rather than "turn the switch off" as your brother says. Emotions are what makes us human. Emotions help us stay pure. I hope your brother finds his way back to you. Good people make really bad mistakes too.One day hopefully he will realize just how much you love him.
To LAuren D: You devotion is amazing! If I had to go to all those practices, I would probably go postal. I loved how inspirational your blog was. There are not a lot of fairy tale endings in life, but success make one feel as if they are on top of the world.You want something, so you work hard. Everyone should use that motto. Now days, everyone wants everything without putting time or effort into anything. Yet Lauren you perserve and work her hard at your goals. You should be proud of yourself because I know I am proud of you.
Thank you Taylor, Cheek, and KTG for your comments. It is helping me cope :) Yes, my qualities have come from out of this divorce, and I hate seeming depressed or angry all the time, because I'm not begging for anyone's sympathy. Besides, I am very much happy now! What all 3 of you said was extremely sweet.
ReplyDeleteAnd Joey, I am sorry to hear that you are in the (almost) same position as me. However, my dad is like yours too, for he refuses to pay for anything for me. And, like I said, the reason I have stopped speaking to him is too personal to say, so I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I will talk to him soon, because I plan on it. I just needed a little break from him, that's all. I hope that clarified what I said about my dad.
aw thanks kyra :( means a lot ilylas and so does comptian boy ;)
ReplyDeletethanks Alex Nik. that means a lot, and im glad someone understands :). And keep holding on to ur great relationship with him.
ReplyDeleteGwen...I love you. I know you are in the same boat as me and that s why it is easier to lt my guard down with you. I now that i can always talk to you. AND YOU SHOULD KNOW that you can always talk to your kangroosta zebra because I always have time for you.
ReplyDeleteaw Stephen! I remember how in freshman year you always seemed so sheltered and quiet. It was for that reason, that I decided to make you my friend on the first day of school. Haha, I knew that there was a lot more to you then you let show. You told me about how Port was less than accepting of anyone that was different from them, but it still made me upset when I read it again. However, I'm ecstatic about how much you have grown to love yourself. It's all of the confidence that you have built over the last couple years, that has made me love you more than ever before. Mwah!
ReplyDeleteAlix: I can never forget you're stories from Philly, however non of us really knew to the extent in which all that happened. I'm glad that you were able to get it all off you're chest because remember: you need to get mad to get over ;) I am so extremely proud of you. You've been through something, that a lot of people don't even believe happens to such an extent. Either way, I wanted you to know not only are a beautiful person, but you are an amazing writer! The way that you explained yourself, brought the situation alive accurately. Girl, now that you know who you are, life can only get better.
ReplyDeletePooja: The second I read "quiet, awkward little minority that makes life even more boring." a smile lit up my face. I love you're confidence in being able to find yourself through all the stereotypes and ignorance. Also, the fact that you didn't have some main experience that affected you felt comforting. I'm sure a lot of people felt the same pressure as I did to spill their guts.. and that's just not the kind of person I am. I'm glad someone put it out there first.
Alex: I love your family, and I know I've said that to you before. It's crazy how many things that people seem to skip over when they look at someone. And this is one thing, that even I seemed to have missed. Your private personality, gives you that peace and I'm in the same boat. I'm so pleased you were able to take that very personal matter off your shoulders. You've grown to be such an independent woman, and that's proof enough of you maturity in that matter.
Joey,
ReplyDeleteWith your first statement (sorry, I don’t mean to be critical) but I disagree. “Some may think that experiencing deaths of loved one, unfortunate accidents, drugs, and even sex at a young age may manipulate that child’s mind for the rest of their life.” As a child, these things are a HUGE deal. And because everything to a child (especially a teenager) is bigger that it really is, these things can affect a child’s mind for a long time. If you read Hannah’s posts, she’s obviously affect by the death of her mother. And something like sex at a young age affects so many unhappy women who are taken advantaged of by men later in their lives (the prostitutes). But I understand where you’re coming from because of your situation and I admire that. This is only my opinion.
But with the rest of your post, I was so surprise by who you were before high school! I can really tell how much you’ve changed for the better. And I’m truly happy for you!! Even though I don’t know you that well, I just get the impression that you are just one of the nicest and most impressive guys that I know. When I read your other posts, I was so inspired by your drive to be better and for a change. I really admire you… Maybe we’ll get to know each other more this year! You will live a great life; I can feel it, because of your drive and ambition. You have some pretty BIG and important things waiting for you in the future!
To Hannah: I didnt know your mother,like everyones else did.Yetlast year, all I heard was just how beautiful and wonderful human being she was. How everyone was going to miss her. How she was the one of the best part of Maylanding itself. so though i never knew your mom, I know that someone who has all those people who love her MUST be in heaven because she had to been a saint. I never talked to you about this because I didnt want to make you akward but i just want to say that you are amazing and there is no doubt in my mind that your mom is so proud of you (sorry if this corny).
ReplyDeletePaola:
ReplyDeleteYou may or may not have realized this but our talk on Saturday not only helped me with the certain thing we were talking about, but it also helped me with everything I wrote in that blog entry. Having you as the voice in the back of my head that yells "Are you JOKING? Did they really do that to you? Who the hell are they??" whenever I think back to those kids, or that one kid, has really helped me pull myself out of my just-go-along-with-it attitude and I've allowed myself to get angry at someone other than myself. I love you so freaking much and I'm so glad I've been able to have you by my side <3
ps. It really means a lot to me that you complimented my writing, I've really been trying to improve. thanks girl <3
Alex Nik.- Your journey was by far something that no child should ever have to bare or take on. I respect and honor you that through all of your trials you prevailed and you allowed yourself to not be silent until the storm passed, which is something very hard to do. By you overcoming that situation and forgiving your mom was a huge step to success and that is exactly what you achieved.
ReplyDeleteShirely- Wow I had no clue what you went through with eing silent. I weaped and cried as I read your blog entry. I know what you mean to feel alone in a crowd of people and that is the worst feeling, and I am so glad that you forgave yourself and moved on with your life and became a cheerful, funny, great person to be around. You are awesome as a person and I hope you never change yourself and lose your happiness for anyone.
Bella- You went through such rough times and you prevailed through them. Im glad you stood up and you were song, Everyone goes through really rough times int heir life, and understanding that it is not where you have come from it is about where you are and how you are goin to acheive greater heights and that is what you did. I am so proud of you fro staying strong though it was very tough for you.
Joey:
ReplyDeleteI couldn't imagine living through such an environment (the one from your younger years) that you were practically forced to be surrounded by. It's definitely something that I can say that I have had a common with you because I, too, was like that once. From disrespecting/cursing out my parents to going to the Alternative School my freshman year, I was a misguided child, (but definitely not from my parents, I don't know why I gave them such a hard time).
Joey, I can't say that I've known you for long, but it's certainly a great thing to get to know you at least from this blog. It's such an amazing feat for you to come from having a yearning to go to the ISS/skip classes, to joining various AP classes and wanting to be involved in school. There's no doubt that you're progressing in life, and I'm excited for what your future will bring you some day.
I just read most of these blogs (sorry I m not trying to be a creeper). I just want to say that I really love you guys, and i really love getting to know you. Not just the made up version that everyone has at school, but the real yous (is yous even grammatical correct ? )
ReplyDelete“Every day I walk into school approaching the school day with a big smile on my face and a friendly hello. At cross country practice, I am the one with never-ending energy and seeming to always cheer the others on. There are underlying reasons to why I pride myself on always approaching each day with a smile because from experience I know that life can be a hard, dark and rejecting place that provide difficult journeys for us.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was nine years old I don’t remember one day that I was happy. I was lifeless, barley making it through school and painfully mute (shocker.) The reason for this outer exterior display was due to the fact I was dealing with something inside that would rip and pick apart any positive thought I believed about myself. Every day I would be invaded with thoughts like” Your ugly, Your fat, Your dumb and things to that nature. Consequently, I made some very bad decisions and acted in a behavior that was very detrimental to me and to the next six to seven years of my life.
The years up until high school I was on a roller coaster ride every day. Sometimes I would have days that none of my thoughts or behaviors would interfere with my day to day activities. Sadly, there were days where life wasn’t as good but I continued to fight pass the voices and behavior to find recovery. Suddenly High School approached and I was beyond excited ready for a new different experience. Sadly, high school is not like the movies and I was completely disappointed. I looked to the bright side and sought an opportunity in cross country. In cross country I fell in love with running and I made a lifetime bond with the coach. The downfall of cross country was some of the girls who in my opinion were out to get me. I am the type of person that doesn’t walk into a room and is instantly cool, I am ditzy, silly, and I am overly nice even apologizing to inanimate objects. Every day I would go to cross country the girls would subtle make fun of me on those following attributes. That’s where old habits came back into effect and this time I was losing and I was headed down a path that should never be taken.
This is the story of a boy, who rarely cried and drowned the whole world.
ReplyDeleteI have had a relatively easy life. Never has one single event changed me dramatically, and things that probably should have did not. My mom suffered from breast cancer and nearly survived when I was around seven or six years old. At eight, my dad survived a deadly stroke. My aunt died when I was twelve. Shortly after my grandma, who I saw at least once a month, died too.
I remember each of those periods of my life with great detail, but for some reason I feel emotionally unaffected. I probably cried a little during each of those obstacles, but as I look back today, I feel unaffected. I did not mature. I did not learn new insight. I did not go through so radical change. Of course, I would prefer if my parents and relatives never went through such events, but at the same time, I feel as if these events did not hurt me. In other words, the sickness of my parents did not impact me at all.
Do not get me wrong, I loved my parents. The problem is, however, that I loved them, for the wrong reasons. I loved them simply because they were my parents, because in my young mind children were supposed to love their parents. As you might have guessed, I was not close to my parents. We did not share secrets, stories, or sorrows. The most loving moment everyday was when we all sit our ass down at the dining table, grabbed our chopsticks, and ate some rice for dinner while we all silence or accompanied by some boring Chinese television show.
Today, life at home is somewhat different. It may have been like this all my life, but I would not know because I would have aware as a child. Now, as a young adult, I see things more clearly. I now love my dad not because of his title, but because of who he is and what he does. My dad is patient, smart, understanding, and more approachable. He never complains and maintains a strong fatherly figure. On the other hand, I still love my mom because of her title. She pisses me off more than anyone I know. She is impatient and temperable. She does not understand me. She always hollers at me for stupid circumstances. Many times I politely disagree with her orders, and try to explain myself, but before I could I even begin to explain myself, she erupts in anger. At this point, my words in her eyes are unreasonable and disrespectful for she considers everything back talk. I want to share with everyone a passionate note that I wrote after a rough incident with my mom last school year. Follow the link at the of my post to the scanned images of my very real note, and read it. Keep in mind that I wrote the paper with a lot of bias against my mom.
My relationship with my mom has taught me to sometimes silence myself when interacting with my mom. Please, do not get it wrong. I am totally open and myself around everyone else besides my mom. She has taught me, however, the importance of restraining myself, a skill I know I will need in the future.
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Part 2
ReplyDeleteWhen the cross country season ended my wounds never healed , I was overloaded with stress and other factos that and I became obsessed in changing myself, so next season everyone would like me. However my obsessions became detrimental. There was no self-esteem left in me and I was literally fading away like a ghost. I feared waking up every day to face another day that entailed mental anguish. Then there came a day when these obsessions, negative thoughts and detrimental behaviors controlled me to the point that there was no “ Brynne” left inside. This is where I surrendered and forcefully asked for help. Asking for help was probably one of the hardest decisions that I made in my life and through this help entailed a hard journey that I still live plays presence in my life today.
For three weeks close to a month I missed freshmen year, to find recovery. Through my treatment I inquired knowledge and better understanding of who the real “Brynne” is, I conversed and made bonds with unbelievable strong people that endured hardships but were strong enough to admit they had a problem and wanted to fix it. I learned so much about how I am capable of living a life that is separate from all of this nonsense and sadly unlike people I met in recovery, I still have time to change my ways because I am still young. What I also learned through recovery is how much I love running. That was my main goal to be able to run again and I did it. That’s why I am a psycho runner because truly it saved my life.
Today, I cannot truly say that my journey with this illness is over but I challenge myself to work through it each day and continue to instill in myself that I am worth fighting for. That’s what takes us full circle into why I am pride myself on being friendly , kind, bubbly and energetic because I have wasted so much life not viewing life like that I feel I missed out on a huge parts of my childhood and teenage years. I also pride myself on all those traits because everyone you look at struggles with something or has to face a journey somewhere in there life. Knowing that others face a complexity of difficult problems I tend to embrace people with a smile or a positive comment because even if it’s just for a moment it may help them think differently about their journey of life. My motto on life nowadays is “you are who you choose to be.” This motto I obtained through someone who has shaped me as a human being and is one of the greatest people I have ever met. This person happens to be my cross country coach Ms. Clark/ Nath. She taught me to enjoy life and helped me become a stronger person because she reminded that you are the only person who can choose your direction or type of person you want to be in life. Through Coach Nath’s motto I choose to be happy, free and strong because every day if I continue to live by these qualities my lifelong journey will get easier because I will become stronger!
Part 2
ReplyDeleteOther than my family, the race has also been a problem early in my life. I remember my first year of preschool, when everybody teased and made fun of my Asian attributes. There was only one girl who was kind to me, and her name, if I remember correctly, is Chrissy Hartzell. Yes, she is the same passionate Chrissy Hartzell we all love today. Regardless of whether she was Chrissy or not, however, that girl made an impact on me. She made my preschool days bearable and helped me realize the good nature of people at a very young age.
As my school years progressed, I received less and less ridicule from my peers as I made more and more friends. Needless to say, I encountered the occasional hurtful remarks, and not knowing how to defend myself, I brushed them off. In face to face encounters, where I could not just simply brush them off, I often defended myself through ineffective words of which I do not remember specifically.
It was not until seventh grade until I learned to totally accept myself. As many of you may know, I often flaunted my Asian pride back in seventh grade saying terms like "Asian sensation," and this in turn lead some of my classmates to coin funny nicknames for me such as the "blazin' Asian." From that moment on, I learned to laugh at racist jokes and to dismiss the remarks intended for hurt. How did I do it? I told myself I was better and smarter than those who felt the need to say racist remarks, and after hearing the same remarks year after year after year, I became immune to them.
Today, I am happy, and that's all that matters.
Brynne, dont listen to snobs. You are perfect the way you are. You are the epitome of cool in my books...thats so corny but its true.
ReplyDeleteMy entire life I've struggled to be the very best I can be in hopes to become a better person. I look at my parents and see both the good and bad qualities I have inherited from them. In the past, my father seemed empty and drank his days away. My mother barely held a job and gave everything she had to ensure that her children would have a future. I can truly say without a doubt, my journey thus far was one hell of a ride.
ReplyDeleteAs a child, I was always encouraged to read and write by my mother, to expand my horizons as they would say. By the time I was six, I was already reading Edgar Allen Poe stories hoping to one day aspire to his level of depth and expression. Eventually, as I started to realize my true potential, I effectively chose to pursue all academic endeavors and strive to become something that would make me and my family wealthy. I looked at many different professions and couldn't believe just the amount of things that I had the choose from. But of course, everything in life isn't so simple.
As the years went on, my father grew disgruntled and repulsive, sometimes telling me that my efforts were going to be in vein. Despite his negativity, I persevered and kept trying to reach new heights. My mother continued to be a major role-model to both me and my brother, Cullen, working long hours at the post office trying to make ends meet and feed her family. I think her strength and tenacity is something that will always be engraved into my very essence.
By middle school, I was always tired and distraught by feelings. Fearing that my parents would get divorced and that my little brother would be like many other children, being raised by a single parent with a precarious job. Without one of my best friends, Matt, I'm not sure I would have made it as far as I have today. He's always optimistic and shown the positive side to everything, there isn't a moment in time I regret spending with him. He'll continue to be one of my greatest influences and personal heroes.
Everything up to this point has prepared me to deal with the real world, good and bad. Though my father was a bit terse during my youthful days, I'm proud to see that he has done well for himself by going to detox and Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm especially thankful that my mother has endured so much to grant her children a future, My friends and determination is what molded me into how I am today, and for that I am truly grateful.
me appreciate my life a lot more.
ReplyDeleteKristie A, I feel for you. I had some issues like that too with my family. But believe me, you seem like a strong person for having to endure what you've been though.
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