I love words.
Good thing I suppose, given my chosen and hard-fought-for occupation. Every time I sit down at a keyboard or have a pen poised over a blank sheet of paper, I feel overwhelmed with excitement, with possibility, with anticipation. With a few key strokes or swipes of a pen, you can find the right combination of words that can make someone LOVE you.
Conversely, you can break a heart, manipulate a mind or sever an allegiance…all with those same strokes or swipes. Think about that. Legends are immortalized because of words. Nations go to war over words. Couples are united in matrimony with words. Hearts and lives are shattered due to words. The power they wield is, in a word, awesome.
“Every time I come around the corner and see your car in the driveway I get sick to my stomach.”
I sat on the couch during yet another face-off with my mother when she let fly with that condemnation, effectively shattering any sense of comfort and belonging I may have been clinging to at the time. I was 17. I’m 38 now, and I can hear those words in my ear as clear as if they were uttered 10 minutes ago. I can’t say that it was those exact words that led to the eventual, unsurprising demise of my relationship with my mother, but I know it was certainly a huge chunk out of the already crumbling foundation. It stands, to this day, as one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me.
But, as I said, words are powerful. They have healing properties. Let me give you a scenario. I was visiting a friend at what is now, TCNJ (then it was Trenton State College). My boyfriend of about a year had just broken up with me, quite unceremoniously, at a party the night before. I was feeling kind of blue, just sort of moping around the campus waiting for my friend’s class to end. While aimlessly wandering through the bookstore, I saw an old friend from high school, a guy who graduated a year ahead of me. We got to talking about life after high school and what my plans were and all of that idle small talk, when he looked me right in the eye and said, “Well Cas, the thing is, I hear you’re an excellent writer.”
What followed is not a Cinderella-like ending of fairytale romance (this is me we’re talking about) between Matt Opacity (that was his name) and your Lang teacher. We didn’t fall into each other’s arms and swear undying love—it wasn’t even a romantic moment. He wasn’t trying out a brand-new pick-up line or even trying to soothe my bruised, dumped ego. It was a simple declaration that I am quite sure he would never even remember saying all these years later. But it’s impact on me was and is undeniable. Because of him, when I went back home, the first place I looked for a summer job was at a local newspaper called The Sandpaper. I landed a job as a stringer and at the tender age of 18, got my first ever piece of writing published. I even got paid for it! (It was an article on Tonkinese cats—don’t laugh!) Such is the power and the beauty of words.
So, that is the focus of this week’s blog question. I would like you to think about conversations you have had, arguments in which you’ve been embroiled, moments of bliss you have experienced. They all have one thing in common—WORDS.
The Yin: What is the worst thing anyone has ever said to you? Why do you think it was the worst thing? How did it make you feel?
And for the Yang (because there always is one): What was the best compliment you have ever received?
Who said it? Why do you think was it was the best compliment?
And finally, perhaps even MOST IMPORTANTLY, reflect on the fact that you highlighted these two particular comments. What do you think your choices of what was the best and worst thing anyone could say about/to you reveal about your personality? Much to think about, I know. Don’t delay!! (500 words/80pts)
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I feel empowered !
ReplyDeleteI have never been a “word-y” person. I tend to prefer thoughts and feelings, actions and movements, rather than words because I feel as if I have not learned to tame the power of words as much as I hoped. That is the biggest weakness of my current life: controlling words so they completely show what I believe. In my mind, I completely comprehend the dynamic power and delicate beauty of words. I love reading just as much as any AP Langer; in fact, I love doing RRLs. But my problem stems from creating my own magic; I struggle to master the art of language--my past, personality, and struggles are to blame. More than anything, I wish I could ignite my thoughts into words and dazzle people with its fiery brilliance, much like a flame thrower. But words whether spoke or written, tend to never work out for me.
ReplyDeleteThus words never played a huge role in my life. What people say to me, well…I barely remember any of it, whether it’s an insult or a compliment. But rather their actions fix themselves in my memory like superglue. So the facial expressions, the movements, and the look in a person's eyes affect me more than the words. Therefore, the worst words associate with some pretty awful actions. The worst words anybody has ever told me were the words I hear several times a week from my parents. Translated into English, they are simply "You are worthless." Although the impact of those words lessen as the years go by, they are my least favorite combination of words all of the English Language. I always link failure and disappointment with that phrase--along with despair and anger. It made me feel less than a human. But it does not faze me as much as it did back when I was six. As my relationship with my parents deteriorated, the blow of those words meant less, but they still hurt.
Just like insults, I rarely receive compliments. However, out of the few that I can remember, one stuck out very sharply in my mind: "Shirley, you're so cute!" Now, although I am a teenager, these words just brought a HUGE smile to my face when certain people said it. At times, I sometimes think these words could have put me down as a little child, not a grown, mature, confidence adult (or teenager). But in the context of these words, this is the most flattering phrase I can remember. At the beginning of this month, I began to become closer to certain people in band. They began to see my whimsical "addowwable" side--which I absolutely LOVE. But what thrilled me the most was that three different people said these exact words to me within a week! There was no former notion of the connection between "Shirley" and "cute". Yet, these three people said this phrase with a giant smile, a warm bear hug, and a nanny-like pinch on the cheek. It was the best compliment, and display of affection, I could have ever received because it contained the exact cheerfulness and merriment that I need in a time when the stress of schoolwork was just beginning. The start of October was so playful; I really miss it.
Finally, in regards to the very last question of this blog, I have to admit that I do not understand what is asked. I was confused by the wording of the question. Bunje, if you're asking what these specific comments reveal about my personality, I would say these comments shine a grand light that reveals some personal, deep feelings about myself. First of all, I always want to "matter". I want my life to have meaning, and I want to make a difference in the world, or at least some place that needs a helping hand. I also have the lowest self-esteem in the world. Thus, being called "worthless" is simply the worst possible thing I can hear. Also, "Shirley, you're so cute!" shows how spirited and merry I can be when everything in my life is in order. Sometimes, when my mood is truly up-in-the-clouds, I feel so blissful that I act like a small child in a brightly color sundress surrounded by a field of daisies. I want to be like this: optimistic, excited, lively, and merry. Ultimately, all I want to achieve in my life is HAPPINESS. (--Happiness AND the ability to shape my thoughts into cohesive words and phrases =D).
ReplyDeleteYES!!!! I'm FINALLY the first one!! =D
ReplyDeletePART UNO
ReplyDeleteWords. Just saying, they are kind of a big deal. What would actually exist without words? NOTHING! No one could build a bridge without communication; no one would even know what to do with a bridge without signs that have words on them. In my experience, words break hearts, words build strength, words pick up boys, words just do. They do what actions cannot. They make things sound pretty. They are kind of like the glitter of speech. Glitter just makes everything better.
Now onto actually answering the prompt… When it comes to words, I can be quite sensitive depending on who they are coming from. In this way, it is hard to narrow to one exact statement that really stands out as the absolute worst. But one memory is coming to light. Ok so here is the background. My mother had gotten pregnant. Most of you would think, “Awweeeee babbbyyy.” No. I think, “Ohhhh joy, my mother will have not one, but two small children running around, smacking me in the face and turning her into a complete bitch.” Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom with all my heart, but when my little brother gets into his terrible 1-3 year old tantrums and my mom has to deal with it, well you just don’t want to be around. So anyway, her eggo is preggo and I’m like cool (not). First thing they tell me is I’m getting kicked out of my room and moving to the basement. Let me tell you! I hate basements. I have a large fear of basements. I fear changing the cat litter every week because it resides in the basement. You know who hides in basements? Better question, what dangerous murdering serial killer/zombie/horror film cliché doesn’t at some point kill some one in a basement? I can’t think of anyone. So obviously, I’m not feeling this plan.
On top of this, I already have this inkling of a feeling that another child will complete my mother’s perfect family…Mother, father, two perfect children…oh, and that other girl who the mom had when she got knocked up in college. Well long story short, two weeks after finally coming clean about these dreaded feelings, my mom miscarries. They tell her it stopped growing about two weeks ago.
Needless to say, I feel like the worst person…ever. I mean, I didn’t go punching her stomach, but I know somehow this in a way is all my fault.
Fast forward a few months. My parents enjoy having these sit downs where they tell me all the shit I do wrong. I love them. Well normally I just sit there and ball my eyes out, but one particular statement really had the sinks flowing. “You know, it really hurts how it seems you care more about Mrs. Rock’s baby then you did mine.”
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t defend myself because she was right, I didn’t care a smidge for that underdeveloped fetus that died at the expense of my words that probably lashed so hard into my mother’s body that that child had no chance. I felt remorse. I felt like the worst daughter. But in all of that, I felt nothing. Those words stung and even months later still make my bones chill.
PART 2:
ReplyDeleteOnto the happier times! Let’s rewind to freshman year. I met this boy. I fell a little hard for him. He ended up being ass. Story of my life. But one thing he said to me empowered me for the past three years. For this, although I would kick him in the balls if given the opportunity, I thank him with every ounce of my being. We aim-ed one night after a really hard day. A friend of mine said something really mean that made my already withering self-confidence plummet. I don’t remember what it was but that doesn’t matter. What he said does. I had heard the words uttered before, I’m sure I had uttered them to someone else a time or two. But this time was different. “Taylor, you really just need to get some self confidence.” Don’t ask me why the simplest words, ones that practically held no emotion helped, but they did. At that moment, I told myself I was pretty and after 13 years, I finally believed it.
It’s easy to say why I chose the best thing ever said. It kind of changed my life a lot and made me who I am, personality and all. Not an easy feat. The worst though, I mean I’ve gotten my fair share of awful comments directed towards my ranging from bitchy little girls to my father. But this was coming from my mom. This woman was the one who held me together when my father was tearing me apart. I knew when I had upset her, something was wrong, it was very, very, very wrong. I hate truly, to the core, hurting people, especially someone like my mom. Kind of why I picked it.
P.s. Bunje, you sure know how to pick a tearjerker blog, thanks a heap. =p
I can memorize Latin vocabulary in one sitting, recite somewhat complex chem. formulas with a smile on my face, and, when asked, describe any aspect of the equestrian sport in exquisite detail. Despite this, I often have difficulty recalling what most would remember with utmost clarity: cruelties inflicted by family and peers in day to day life. Perhaps it’s because I’m demure and deferential by nature. Rather than make a fuss or draw attention to myself, I let even the more painful remarks and actions slide. My brother’s constant pestering… classmates occasional cruelties… such things are simply dust grains blown onto my skin by the winds of life, easily brushed away so I can continue on my path. However, last year one particular grain hit with unusually powerful force, not stopping at simply stinging my skin but rather burrowing through my soul’s hardened surface and implanting its self in the core of my being. The setting: yellow school bus, homeward bound. The actors: me, my gov’t book, and a fellow Green Banker. As per usual, I had taken my seat on the bus and dragged out my gov’t book, ready to continue the tedious and perpetual process of writing gov’t notes. The other Green Banker, we’ll assume the person was male and christen him “Smarty Pants”, took note of my note taking. When Smarty Pants realized what I was up to, he began firing a series of remarks: “Geez, you have a lot of homework!” (“No duh, Sherlock”), “Those honors classes must be pretty tough…” (“uh-huh”), “What do you do besides school?” (“eat , sleep, and occasionally fit in some me-time”) “Things in college-prep are great” (“Congratulations.”), “Are you having fun this year?” (“What does it look like?”), “Why are you doing this?... Well, regardless, you really should drop down. They’re giving you too much work. You need a life.” (“ _________...”). The last part was what got me. Sure, honors/AP was tough (Lord knows, it still is!); I didn’t need Smarty to tell me that. But worse, he genuinely didn’t get why I was doing it. Honestly, I’m not a masochist at heart; my life isn’t made whole by torturing myself endlessly over grades or pushing my bedtime back from ten to twelve to make room for homework and studying. I don’t enjoy looking life a sleep-deprived zombie, I don’t love waking up at 5:30 to drag my body to Oakcrest. However, unlike my buddy Smarty, I realize that my self-imposed insanity will not go unrewarded. The choppy water that defines today will turn to smooth sailing tomorrow. Because I’m facing challenges in high school, I’m setting myself up for admittance to and success in a good college and a prolific career later on. Smarty sees the now; I see the long zoom view. Smarty Pant’s comment lacerated my soul even more severely because he didn’t want to give me any room to think for myself. Smarty says I should drop down, Smarty is always right, and therefore I should drop down. Think again. I knew what I was getting myself into. Whether I liked the tough classes or not, whether I needed “to get a life” or not… those were things I had to access for myself.
ReplyDeleteNow onward to happier times: The best compliment I received was at a 4H dressage show* sometime last summer. I had been working my equestrian butt off all season, in dressage, in jumping, and in all-around riding. Riding is my passion, and otherwise idle summer was a perfect time to let that passion bloom. Anyway, my guy and I were doing phenomenally in the warm up ring at the show. Soon it came time to ride our first dressage test**. Needless to say, it was beautiful, one of our best ever. As is customary in dressage, we completed our test by halting on the dressage arena’s center line, saluting the judge, and then walking to the judge’s stand to hear her comments on our performance. While I wasn’t super surprised when the judge told me “Nicely ridden test”, I was a bit shocked when she asked if I had done anything above 4H and suggested that I look into showing on a somewhat more prestigious local circuit. But the best was yet to come. As I wrapped my legs around my mount’s sides, preparing to signal him to walk on out of the arena, the judge left me with one last bit of information. She said, with a smile, that she had given me mostly 8’s and a few nines (6’s and 7’s are respectable scores, and my best until then was the occasional eight… ten is the highest score possible on a given movement and usually achieved by only grand-prix level riders). I almost fell off my horse, and that’s something respectable dressage riders rarely do. It was the best thing I had ever been told not only because it marked a new pinnacle in my riding and suggested that I had a future in the sport, but also because it meant all of my work had paid off.
ReplyDeleteRiding is what I live for, seriously, so it’s fitting that my favorite compliment would mirror that. Picking this particular compliment reflects my drive to succeed in the equestrian world and my passion for the sport. As far as Smarty’s comment goes, the fact that his topic of choice hurt me so much demonstrates that I really want to try to do my best in school and that I recognize the value of pushing myself a bit. But beyond that, my response demonstrated how, though I may be on the diffident side, I don’t like other people telling me how to live my life… especially when their life plans violate my core values.
Notes:
*To the uninitiated: dressage is a sub-sport of horseback riding, for lack of a better term.
**In dressage, a test is a prescribed pattern that competitors performed, appropriate to their skill level, which contains specific movements upon which horse and rider are scored. Tests range from Into Level, which is only walk/trot and asks the horse and rider to execute simple figures like circles, through progressively harder Training, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th levels, all the way to FEI, which is what you see the Olympians riding.
Goodnight, Langers!
ReplyDeleteYin: “I’m disappointed in you.” – My mom
ReplyDeleteYang: “I’m so proud of you! Look how all of your hard work paid off. I knew you could do it all along.” – My mom, again
(These weren’t my mom’s exact words, but it’s essentially what she said.)
My mom and I are really close. I consider her one of my closest confidants as well as my role model, mentor, and friend. We weren’t always this way, though. From about fifth through seventh grade, I went through this phase when I was distant from my parents and angry with them all of the time. Most things they did made me mad, but to this day I don’t even know why. I guess it was just that awkward period when you don’t feel like you fit in anywhere. You’re not a child, but you’re not a teenager, and the word “pre-teen” makes you want to hurl. Anyway, I would just keep to myself and do my own thing until our paths crossed. I can’t remember exactly when it was, or what exactly happened, but around the time when I was in fifth grade, my mom told me she was disappointed in me. I was either fighting with one of my sisters, or did poorly on a test my mom knew I could have done better on, but I didn’t study, or care. When those words left her mouth, and sunk into my brain, I realized I had done the worst thing a child could do to their parent, let them down. Not only did I not please my mom, who has provided me with everything I’ve ever needed and more, I made her ashamed of me, and I was ashamed of myself.
Years later, (last March, actually) the total opposite happened. It was during the Meet of Champions, the biggest high school swimming competition, and before that day I had not dropped time in my 200 individual medley all season. I was extremely nervous, but excited at the same time. Wearing my new bathing suit and a sincere look on my face, I saw my mom before I stepped on the blocks, like I always do, and got ready to race. Not only did I drop a whopping seven seconds, I qualified for Junior Nationals, and was seeded third for finals the next day. It felt entirely surreal. On the ride home my mom kept telling me how proud she was of me, and how she knew I could accomplish that and so much more. When she said that, I was even more proud of myself. My family sacrifices a lot for me to swim, so I was happy my mom was pleased with my race. She called almost my whole family to tell them how well I swam, which, to me, enforced her approval of my accomplishments.
These two comments stuck with me because I like pleasing people. I always try to exceed people’s expectations of me, and overcome stereotypes or preconceived notions. I feel like I always have to prove myself. So, when my mom said she was disappointed in me and proud of me, I felt as though I failed, then surpassed her expectations. I finally felt like I proved my abilities to the people around me, and more importantly, myself.
The worst thing anyone has ever said to me was actually two weeks ago. I was at a soccer game playing a team full of girls where I knew half of them. This one particular girl Lauren and I used to be really tight friends. We haven't talked much since like seventh grade, but last December when she found out about my mom she facebook messaged me and said how incredibly sorry she was. Bullshit. I'm sure she was sorry and all, but not incredibly sorry. When we played her team, I had a recovering broken rib. I was talking to my teammate during the game and I said how my ribs were hurting and stuff. The goalie of the other team over heard me and she said “Your moms ribs hurt.” I don't know if she said that because she's just stupid and that's the only comeback she had, or because Lauren told her what happened. I saw Lauren and the goalie talking before the game and they pointed at me, probably saying that she knows me or something and I bet she said what happened to my mom. Now, being in high school and everything I've been told plenty of more provocative things and called nasty names, but this was the worst thing. How immature can someone really be to say something like a your mom joke to someone who doesn't have a mom? That just hit a nerve and because of that I hit the goalie. I don't even care that I had to sit the rest of the game because running into that girl felt like the greatest thing ever.
ReplyDeleteI think the best compliment I've ever got was that I'm a strong person. A lot of people tell me that, I don't know how many of them mean it, but a few important people have said it to me so it must be true. It's the best compliment because that means a lot to me considering I try really hard to not let things bother me at home and stuff that's going on. It bothers me a lot of the time, but to hear that people think I'm a strong person makes me feel like I'm doing a good job either hiding it or handling it. Either way is fine with me. This compliment makes me feel like I can get through anything and it helps me get through my days. I think about how if I can get through major problems and still come off as strong, I'm pretty sure this little problem isn't as bad as I'm making it seem. This compliment that I've received from numerous people just makes me get through things much easier and with confidence.
Honestly, the only reason I remember these two comments is because the first one is recent and the second one happens a few times a month. I don't have the best memory of what people tell me because I hear a lot of stuff each day and some of it I just don't even listen to. I think this reveals a lot about my personality because it shows that I have a lot of strength and I really don't like it when people talk crap. I will do whatever when I'm angry, like hit a girl I don't know just because she said that. But despite the fact that I do let my anger get the best of me sometimes, I still have a lot of strength in other ways like handling tough situations.
Lauren:
ReplyDelete“We weren’t always this way, though. From about fifth through seventh grade, I went through this phase when I was distant from my parents and angry with them all of the time. Most things they did made me mad, but to this day I don’t even know why.”
My mom and I are pretty close too, so I can definitely see how much her opinion matters to you. I’d be upset with myself as well if I did something to disappoint my mother, and since my mom is always candid with me, I know her compliments are from the heart. Besides this, your description of the friction that once existed between you and your parents unearthed memories of a personal dark era from the back corners of my mind. About the same time as you were feeling angry, my parents were dealing with one terror of a daughter. Sure, I could be sweet, but most of the time I was a cruel dissident. “Jessie, get ready, we’re going to the zoo!” I would yell and scream and pitch a fight and be sour with them when I didn’t get my way. Sometimes I was just plain irritable; everything my mom and dad said scraped away at my nerves. The reasons for my behavior, if reasons existed at all, were rarely rational and I still feel bad about what I put my parents through. Maybe I was having trouble accepting that the world didn’t revolve around me; maybe the whole growing up thing was messing with my head. I don’t know. Either way, I’m glad I’m not the only one who has gone through this sort of phase.
Shirley: I’m glad that these blogs show a more intimate side of us all, because I always enjoy being surprised by yours Shirley. You’re so cute! :D Please, please don’t worry about what your parents say. You over achieve, you excel, and worse of all, you make it look easy. Shirley, you are simply wonder woman. And finally, who needs to be cheery! Remember? You’re the business woman that rules the world! You deserve to be happy Shirley. Only worry about meeting your own expectations.
ReplyDeleteTaylor: I can really only think to say “aww…” What a depressing story. Life and death is always something I hate to think about. If my mother miscarriaged, I would have become distant. Maybe you were just doing the same-- leaving uncomfortable territory for something you could feel less nervous in. Don’t blame yourself though. And, on a brighter note, of course you are pretty Taylor!
Hannah: I have to say, when I read the beginning of your blog, I was happy when I saw that you hit that girl. Go you! Now, going onto more serious matters, the idea of strength is something I would equate with you too. You just naturally connect certain people with certain words. I think Taylor, awesome, Jourdan, hahah wow, Lauren, perfect, and Hannah…strong. It just seems innately part of you. But still, good job hitting that girl!
The memories that instantly come to mind about the worse things ever said to me are not necessarily about me. My dad, for instance, was not brutally insulting me when he said, “To be honest, I don’t think your mom and I will stay together for another year,” and yet I cried myself to sleep. My mother wasn’t trying to hurt me when she said I am just like my father, and yet that statement opened wounds that never completely healed. Furthermore, when it comes to the offenses that were without a doubt directed to me, my favorite being “narrow-minded,” they ceased to matter within mere hours. Basically, what I think really makes the difference when it comes to the worst thing ever said is who said it. In Bunje’s case, it was her mom, so of course the emotional impact of such harsh words are undeniable. This doesn’t apply to my situation however. There are so few people that mean the world to me (I could count them all on one hand and still have fingers leftover). All of the harmful words ever said to me have not been said by those people. Those accusations of being “narrow-minded” and “trying to be something I’m not” don’t matter because, essentially, the people who said them don’t matter. I’m extremely proud of this fact because I just discovered a truth about myself I didn’t know before writing this blog. I really am just as strong as I want to be. I’m surely becoming who I want to be. Kale Nagasaki is gaining ground.
ReplyDeleteContrary to human nature, I almost always focus on the positives in life. It helps me appreciate everything I have, and push the more suicidal Mishima aside. Therefore, I can’t concentrate on just one compliment, but I’ll try my best to narrow it down to two or three. The first one came from a 21 year old friend I have in California. He’s a photographer, completely spiritual and creative, and all in all one of the most beautiful souls I’ve been worthy enough to meet. His name is Maxximilian VonKalkman. I was in one of my suicidal moods and was arguing what’s the point in life if everything I do will ultimately amount to nothing. Men will still remain perverts, women will continue to accept subordination as a role, and all the purity in life will steadily be lost to corruption. Why should I live only to realize my own insignificance? I can’t bring man to a noble destiny. This was a fifty page rant that I had developed and created in my head for two years. I had no answer. Then, with one sentence, Maxx said, “You are invaluable.”
I didn’t know what to say.
Over the next few weeks I repeated and repeated these words. “I am invaluable.” Suddenly, the meaning sunk in and I full heartedly believed in those words. I still do. That compliment ended my suicidal tendencies. Now, I know I am enough; I am perfect just the way I am now.
The second compliment came recently as I entered a new phase of self-doubt. It wasn’t about my worth thought—No, I had established my purpose with Maxx already. I knew what I meant in the grand scheme of things. This had to do with the small scale. It was a question I never believed was worth an answer because it just seemed impossible. But that all changed when I met a man this summer. Because he goes to Oakcrest, for his privacy’s sake and for the sheer humor, we can call him Mr. T. Well Mr. T. was over my house as he is nearly all the time, and on this particular Saturday we were exhausted. We were sitting on my bed, pondering about what to do and enjoying the silence. It lasted a while. A long while. And then suddenly Mr. T. whispered, “You are so beautiful.” Again, I was at a lost for words. Ever since I became aware of the concept of beauty, it haunted me. Am I beautiful?...can I, can I please be beautiful? On that day my heart shattered, and the soul which it contained shone and still shines magnificently. I was beautiful; I am beautiful. All of this just reveals that everything in your life starts with you. If you’re not comfortable with yourself, if you aren’t feeling your best, then you cannot move forward. The labels of worthless and unbeautiful stopped me from growing as a person, because I wanted more than anything to be special, to be beautiful. I guess the fact that I didn’t focus on the worst thing ever said to me is that insults really have no effect on me. It’s the lack of words mostly, the not hearing what I need to hear from the people I care about, that hurts more. So maybe, in that same analysis, I need to know that I am beautiful in order to become more beautiful. But that of course, requires more contemplation for another time. :]
ReplyDeleteThrough my childhood, I was often teased and harassed by older kids because for two things. I hung out with my neighbor, who was a boy, and apparently I had missed the commandment saying that little girls could not play with boys and I was in karate and constantly taunted to “show them what I got…” This being said, I often heard the words, “Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” What a load of crap!
ReplyDeleteI also can remember the worst thing someone has ever said to me. It was my father and it was the main thing he has done to me to make me so afraid of him. Besides the fact he is a third degree black belt, the man who basically controls my ever move, and my main source of money…. My father how said some pretty hurtful things over the years. I often get called selfish, manipulative, and bitchy, all my father. However, a day that I needed him the most is the same exact day that I was pushed further away from him. It was the day my sister had told me to just go kill myself, back in my clinically depressed days. I had done something I see as completely stupid now and my father was the only one not yelling at me when I got home. He took me away from my mother and my sister and it was just us. I sat there on the cold, karate school mat and wept. He listened to my side of the story and, as I watched him, his face grew colder and colder. It was after he struck me across the face and I momentarily passed out due to shock that it all went down. I can’t look at you. You disgust me. SMACK right in the face. I no longer wanted him to be a part of my life; I did not want him near me. As we drove home, I shoved as far away from him as possible as he continued to murmur You are disgusting, pathetic…. I can’t even look at you. Once I arrived safely to my house he shot Get out of the damn car, NOW!
Those words still remain with me today. They were said maybe 4 or 5 years ago and I had finally mustered the courage to ask him why he did that to me. The answer I received was not worth the years of pain or worthlessness I felt. He did not even remember. Even worse, he used the excuse that he might have blacked out. By time he told me that, his “I am sorry” meant nothing.
It is hard for me to remember compliments due to the extremely harsh attitude I have toward myself. I do not hate myself, not at all, I just think I could be a better person. Oddly enough there is one compliment that comes to mind when I think of good things. The first happened about 10 months ago when I first started dating my boyfriend. His mother, a complete Spanish speaker, had just meant me for the first time. I, the complete white girl who knew no Spanish at all, sat on the couch nervous as could be as she welcomed me to her home and than turned around and muttered something about me. I begged my boyfriend to translate for me for weeks before he actually told me what she had said. It was something like… Do you see how pretty she is? … Oh I know. Big Butt Big Bust…. My son sure does know how to pick them. Oddly enough, no matter how offended you may have been by that, I thought it was nice. His mother, one of the prettiest ladies I had ever seen, thought I was pretty. I was flabbergasted
In all, I do not hold words against people. People change more than the sun rises and sets. However, I never forget what someone has said to me because it allows me to keep that arm’s distance from people. The fact that I choice those two things is probably only because my boyfriend’s mother and my father are very important people in my life. So, whatever they may have said, I took more to heart than I would some random school kid thinking he is being funny.
Shirley:
ReplyDeleteFirst... You're first paragraph contained a similie that I could have never thought of in a million-trillion years!
"More than anything, I wish I could ignite my thoughts into words and dazzle people with its fiery brilliance, much like a flame thrower."
I looked at that and said to myself, "Holy shit! This girl thinks she has a problem expressing herslef?!! She's crazy! (In a good way :)) I have never been to invet beautiful metaphors lke most other people can. When I try, it sounds exactly like... well like I'm trying. You CAN write!
Also, don't ever let people tell you that you are worthless. I think this comment hurts worse than any other insult people could say. (It personally sparks me to do things I shouldn't) If omeone says that to you ever again, here's the game plan.
You have two choices:
1) Walk away and act like they're the biggest idiot for even speaking to you that way.
2) Come up with a brilliant, original, and snarky remark to make them eat their words.
That's all I got!
Oh. Darn. I had forgot to put this back in there. There was something else I wanted to note. The second most nicest compliment I ever received was from Kale last week. I was wearing new sweat pants and I did not feel good. I thought I looked completely horrible. However, Kale looked at me and told me that I looked beautiful and it completely made my whole day. It really meant a lot for her to tell me and it made me so much more comfident throughout the whole day. Love you Kale
ReplyDeleteTay Tay:
ReplyDeleteYes glitter does make everything better. ou're positive comment left me almost startled. If someone would have said that to me, I would have fallen to pieces. My self-confidence would have gone down instead of up. I guess it's in the eyes of the beholder. How we take comments is what makes us, us. It's the reason we choose to answer this specific blog the way we do. I'm amazed and happy for you that you're the kind of person to let hat comment empower you instead of smashing you to the ground like it would have done to me.
Jessie: I am always more amazed by how awesome you are everyday. I think the fact that you do not exactly remember the words people say to you is awesome but I was more impressed with the first couple of things you listed about how awesome you are. You are extremely smart and just perfect. Don't let anyone tell you different.
ReplyDeleteHannah: I do not want to come off rude but you might be jumping to conclusions when you thought that girl was saying about your mother who has passed. I mean, I often hear people joking with the "your mom ..." I do not think she meant any harm by it. Stay smiling though.
Sarah's comment on Shirley: I also think Shirley's simile is completely awesome. I also cannot write as awesome as that. I agree with the two things you can do when people say mean things to you. They are pretty clever and I think I might have to listen to them
Hanners!
ReplyDeleteSo um.... honestly if I were at your game and I knew she said that I would snuck up behind her after the game and dropped her and then bitch-slapped her until she cried... but that's just me. Anyway, even though some people might say that that wasn't the proper way to handle it, I think it was the ONLY way to handle it. In that case nobody understood your situation but you. It's not like you could've gone to the ref and cried about what she said. You took charge and did what you thought was necessary. Also, I've always thought to myself, and to Carly, that you are literally the strongest person I know (butchness and mentalness included)! Keep fightin' Hanners!
“It was something like… Do you see how pretty she is? … Oh I know. Big Butt Big Bust…. My son sure does know how to pick them. Oddly enough, no matter how offended you may have been by that, I thought it was nice. His mother, one of the prettiest ladies I had ever seen, thought I was pretty. I was flabbergasted”
ReplyDeleteSteph:
Awwww! Your favorite compliment made me smile; I just have the whole scenario running through my mind. But as cool as it is to have someone who means a lot to you tell you you’re pretty, don’t let anyone (that includes yourself) make you think you’re not! Like at your sweet sixteen… you looked like a princess in that dress, something I could never pull off! In less happy affairs, I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s comment. I admire you’re strength in being able to keep yourself more or less together and not go insane afterwards… personally, as wrong as it would be, if my dad had said that after as awful of a day as you had gone through, I just might have jumped off a bridge.
Jessie:
ReplyDeleteYour little side notes to that kid had me cracking up! You seem so shy whenever I see you and I was excited to see you sort of opening up and showing another side of you. I want to see more. Otherwise, this kid clearly has no idea that you can’t have a life in AP classes, it’s practically a rule. It should be a subscript on all of the “This year we will…” sheets. We work hard and it pays off, I think that’s worth sparing a few extra minutes to do some homework. Oh and about the compliment, good for you! I know horses are your super passion so keep being a winner!
Stephy:
ReplyDeleteBless your heart. Reading your story about your dad, that was just so sad. I mean I don’t know exactly where the comments were coming from, but that was no way to handle himself. You are not a punching bag, you are his daughter. I just want to give you a hug (bus Thursday…consider yourself hugged.) With the compliment, awh that was nice! Must feel good to know, that no matter how nervous you were, you were already accepted into the family!
Jesse- Sometimes, you need to get mad. With that said, I feel like the fact the worst thing anyone ever said to you was over school seems false. Maybe, because you let things blow over, you don't get offended by peoples rude comments. I just feel a little mislead by this choice of situation. However, your compliment made me smile. Having passion, makes people alive. So you must be livin' it up!
ReplyDeleteHannah- I can't believe that girl was such a jerk. You don't deserve that, and I hope you kicked her ass. Other than that, you should have nothing but pride in yourself. You go everyday with such a laid back demeanor that relaxes people, which probably explains why people point out your strength.
Deanna- I don't know how you carried the weight of the world for so many years. It's obvious through your blog, that it affected you in the worst of ways. Fortunately, you seemed to of moved through that personal hell, into realization of what I and many other people thought of you for a long time. That you are really pretty. Not just pretty as in physical beauty, but you are a beautiful person as well. Whoever that boy was, seems to be good for you. Don't let your anxiousness push him away, you definitely have someone who really cares.
Deanna:
ReplyDelete“We were sitting on my bed, pondering about what to do and enjoying the silence. It lasted a while. A long while. And then suddenly Mr. T. whispered, “You are so beautiful.”
Oh dear Deanna…you can only assume my conclusions. Haha JUST KIDDING. This is so cute! And you are beautiful, everyone is. This shouldn’t have occurred so late in the game. Oh and I thought I’d share my blonde moment. I read the invaluable thing and, thought ‘Invaluable? Well that’s not a compliment…that’s just rude.’ Then it clicked that that actually meant valuable…silly me. Anywho, he was right and don’t you forget it.
Sarah:
ReplyDeleteYeah I kind of agree. It was in no way a copliment, in fact it was almost mean. But somehow it clicked and that's really all that matters. So thanksies girl.
A lot of people have no substance, no value, no depth, and no color. Many people talk straight out of their asses, which is where most of my Yin comes from. The thing that sticks out in my mind though is something that was said to me a long time ago.
ReplyDelete“Oh, I won’t talk to JV because he’s a fag.
I’m pretty sure that he’ll start hitting on me once I do.”
Before, when I heard that sentence, I probably broke down in tears. I probably spent a couple of hours in my room feeling like a horrible person. I, maybe, once or twice even thought about suicide. It was just a horrible thing because I felt exiled. It also made me feel unlike myself. Of course, at a young age, you wouldn’t really know what to do; specially when you live in a town with a population of wallflowers and barely anything remotely avant garde to tinker with anyone’s imagination and creativity.
But I’m glad that I’m above all that now. I, actually, chuckle when I hear or see the phrase. I even give my notorious once-over every time I see that person that said that to me because now I see that I‘m in a much better position in my life than he. I have the upper hand now. I’m harder, better, faster, and stronger. And I’m damn proud of it.
With that confidence and morale, I turned myself into this big well-oiled dino-machine. This big Divasaurus Rex that is always kept in top shape. I make sure that I just dino stomp on all the dino dung in the jungle and just take in all the compliments that I get. Which, I admit, gets to me. It’s one of my greatest flaws. Sometimes, my ego gets out of hand. Which, I am sorry for, if it ever rampages past you. It’s something that I’ve been meaning to tone down.
Compliments. I enjoy them. Who doesn’t? I get little ones almost everyday, mostly about little things about my outfit or my ever popular hair-flip. I think the ones that I take to heart the most though are the ones that people say about my future and what’s inside me. When people tell you that you’re going to succeed, and that they see the drive and force that you put into your work and they know that it will all pay off one day, don’t you feel like you’re life has direction?
Rock, Kennedy, Dzwonar, Costal, Matlack, Cathey, and, most definitely, Bunje, have contributed so much to helping me see what kind of person I am. Other than my friends, I think teachers, our mentors, see the real us more than anyone we know. Things like “You’re going to get far in life,” “You’re a dapper dude,” “You’re very brave,” and “You’re a magnificent person,” allows me to appreciate myself because sometimes in this life, we forget to do so. I don’t want to speak on everyone’s behalf, but I know that we’re all stressed. We’re all going crazy with all this stuff we’re putting on our AP platters. Sometimes, we don’t know how to just take it all in and appreciate all the work that we’ve put in. When someone else sees it, and they point it out, we then see it as well. We can see.
My personality is based on these compliments. These building blocks that help me get through life and see part of it’s purpose. They mold me into a strong, motivated, and dedicated happy young man that will be able to succeed with anything. Don‘t get me wrong, I’m not saying though that only the “deep” compliments count. I get a little warmth in my heart when people say stuff like “JV, you look so fierce today.” It just tickles me pink and I know that if everyone gets complimented at least once a day, the world would be a happier place.
PART ONE :D
ReplyDelete“Fuck you. I don’t care.”
Understanding why this is the worst thing might be hard for some people to figure out, because nowadays, the phrase is (sadly) not too uncommon. Like most things that hold emotional substance, there is a back story to why those five words hurt so badly.
It all started in April of last year. I had realized that I had feelings for my best friend. Seeing as we were totally open with each other on most things, I figured that telling him would help him understand why I had been acting strange, but I was hoping it wouldn’t change anything between us because I had absolutely no expectations from him to act upon the way that I felt.
At first, things were fine, better than fine actually. We seemed to be getting closer, without any weird feelings. Then he threw me a curve ball. He started acting very, very strange. One minute, he would be talking to me normally, than he would be flirting with me like he would with a girl he was trying to get with, and then the next second he would lash out and shut himself off from me. His mixed messages were really getting to me. I tried talking to him about it, asking him why he was acting that way, and trying to find out what was going through his head, but nothing worked. After a few weeks of this different person taking over the role of my best friend, and my failed attempts at discovering the cause, I wrote him a letter. It detailed what I saw going on, and my feelings about what was going on. It also had questions for him that I was hoping to have answered after he read the letter.
That whole idea failed miserably.
After I gave it to him and he read it, we did not talk for a full week. The only communication we had were accidental glances at each other, academic based discussions in class, and very awkward passing’s in the hallway.
I was completely dumbfounded. I thought that the letter would solve everything. That he would open his eyes, see what he was doing, fix it, and everything would go back to the way it was prior to April 28th. I was dead wrong.
After a torturous week of nothing-ness, I decided to text him (our most common way of communicating) and at least try and see how he felt about what I had said. Now is where the worst thing anyone has ever said to me comes into play.
After conducting the customary “Hey, Hey, What’s up? Nothing” of a text message conversation; I brought in the big guns. I asked him how he felt. He replied with a short sentence that told me he didn’t understand why I wrote the letter. I took about 10 minutes to construct a long message detailing (AGAIN) everything that I was trying to tell him.
PART TWO :DD
ReplyDeleteHis response….? “Whatever.”
Angrily, I told him that I guessed he would never understand, and that things could never be the same because he didn’t take time to think about what I was saying.
“Fuck you. I don’t care.”
After that message, it took 4 months for me to even feel comfortable saying one word to him. About three weeks ago, we talked and he admitted that he was sorry, and that what I had said was completely right, but he wasn’t willing to accept it at the time. Even though I accepted his apology, we barely talk and we will never have anything close to the friendship that I had once held so close.
I have great friends, so they always have a lot of awesome, inspiring, motivating for when I’m feeling down, or even when I’m just talking to them about nothing. For example, last week I was feeling really down about my parents, school, and band. My parents were being really quick tempered about everything, and on top of the stress of my classes and competition season, I wanted to stay in my room forever and never come out. To that statement, Christine La Torre (amazing) replied
“If anyone should stay in a hole, it should be ____ (a girl we both hate) or ______ (a really annoying kid), Not you. Too many people love you and think you’re awesome to have you stay in your room for the rest of your life.”
Even though her comment was not something that has led me to an epiphany or a revelation about my life, it is still one of the best things someone has ever said to me. I have best things said to me all the time, so if I had this question asked to me a week from now, my answer would probably be different!
After reviewing my answers for the best and worst things that have ever been said to me, I have come to understand myself a little better. When I care about someone, I need to be cared about in return or it eats away at me inside. I live by the golden rule, and when someone breaks that, it stays with me.
In regards to the worst thing someone has ever said to me, I think that really shows. I cared about him so much, and I had put so much trust into our friendship that when he demonstrated a blatant disregard for my emotions and disrespect for our relationship, it just tore me up. I felt as if everything I had given was all for nothing, and that the friend I thought I had, had been a lie from the beginning.
As for the best thing someone has ever said to me, it is pretty obvious how this relates to that facet of my personality. I love having someone who I care about express that they in fact care about me just as much in return. Christine is an amazing friend who I have a lot of respect for, and her simple comment lifted my spirits ten fold.
Do unto others as you would like to do – unto youuuuuu – is the Golden Rule!
Shurrley,
ReplyDeleteYou say that you're not the greatest craftsman with words but you're first paragraph was amazing in it's construction and word choice. You definitely have the power, you're just not seeing it.
Also, know that you're not worthless. None of us are, we're putting ourselves into the most rigorous courses that will lead us to brighter things in the future of so much worth. If your parents still believe what they say, you'll definitely show them pretty soon that they're wrong.
Deanna,
ReplyDeleteThe thing that you're dad told you...I've had to go through a couple times now. It hurts, but being able to build from it is monumental.
Also, there were some good cumulative and simple sentences that proved their effects in your second post. Bravo.
:)
I agree, on the fact that words undoubtedly wield immense and infinite powers. The worst thing, believe it or not, that someone has ever said to me was, “You are too weak to be a leader.” Now, the message was a lot longer than that, and had a lot more supporting information to back up their point, but that was the opening and pretty much summed up the message. Unfortunately, I don’t even know who said it to me. It was on one of those silly Truthbox things on Myspace where people tell things, sorta kinda, to your face about what they think about you. This was around the first couple weeks of my drum major year, and I was completely distraught. I didn’t show it as much, of course, because I don’t want those people knowing they got to me and I am pretty good at hiding my emotions- I just seldom choose to. On the one hand, though a leader should be able to ignore petty comments such as those, that one in particular really bothered me. For one thing, despite the fact that I know I’m far from the strongest person in the world, I have never really considered myself flat-out weak. There are times and situations that could make me weak, but in this one, in band, where I was confident and comfortable, I didn’t feel weak at all. You’re probably thinking, “Well then if it’s not true, don’t believe it and don’t let it bother you”. And you’re right. I shouldn’t let that bother me, but it did. It bothered me because I really believe that we can never truly be a correct judgment on ourselves, and there was a lingering thought that maybe I was weak in a place I felt I was strong in. Maybe I was turning a blind eye to this problem and they were telling the truth about me. I pride myself in being able to be a leader when I can. I consider myself a leader in the making. That may sound vain, but I want to be a leader someday in some form. I believe I have the potential. Honestly, everyone has the potential. But that comment made me feel practically worthless. I felt like everything that I was working towards, all the progress that I have made and everything I was proud of at the time wasn’t even real. I felt weak, not because I am, but because they could have possibly exposed or pulled out an attribute in me that I didn’t know I had and couldn’t defend myself on.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, the best compliment that I’ve ever received was from one of my best friends. He said, “You alone have effortlessly brought me so much happiness into my life… I don’t even think you realize it… But you’re always strong. Stronger than I could ever be.” That was one of the greatest things that anyone has ever said to me. And it was the best because for my whole life, I’ve always thought I made no impact on anyone. And though I realize I’ve only led but a short life so far, to know that I’m appreciated and that I change someone’s life is the best thing that anyone could ever say to me. I was happy that someone viewed me as strong and valued me. I love helping people, especially those I love. To know that it’s actually effective and someone can depend on me with full faith is an honor to me.
These choices highlights the fact that I have this great desire to be strong. I would be ready for any kind of pain or hardship if I have strength. I want to appear strong, be an example for other people and lead so that everyone can be strong and face their fears. In my life, I never really had anyone to look to for strength or teach me how to be strong or have any events that really forced me to be that way, so I'd like to be that for someone else. I want people to look at me and feel stronger, or at least then have the will to try.
Jessie:
ReplyDeleteI admire your strength of character. When you described your "Yin," I never felt for a second that you believed Mr. Pants's comment. You quickly refuted his baseless opinion and pointed out that your vision is ten times better than his. He's thinking about whether or not he'll get to jump on the trampoline, or whatever it is that people do in this thing I occasionally hear of called free time, tonight while you're thinking about your life long after his trampoline has rusted and been used for scrap metal.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLauren:
ReplyDeleteI agree with you whole-heartedly when I read both the worst and best thing anyone has ever said to you. My best compliment is similar to yours, and now that I tihnk about it, "I'm disapointed in you" is probably the worst thing I can bare to hear from someone that I love. To me, I feel as though it is worse than any degree of anger I could feel upon me. Being ripped apart out of anger just doesn't compare to an "I'm disapointed in you."
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRESPONSE #1 to Lauren and Jourdan
ReplyDeleteBoth of you had the best, and worst, thing said to you by your mother. My mom has never said anything especially mean to me, but if she ever did, I know it would hurt way more than if someone else that I didn't care about said the same thing. I think choosing those things that were said to you show how much both of you really strive to please people around you (especially your parents) I am the same way, but we have to realize that they are people too, and sometimes they say things they don't mean.
RESPONSE #2 Alexis
ReplyDeleteYou ARE strong. But sometimes, I think that is your weakness. YOu strive so hard to be perceived as strong that you let people do things to you that you don't deserve, but you belivev that it is weak to tell them that they are hurting you. As one of my best friends, I hate seeing this happen to you because I know how it really makes you feel.
RESPONSE #3 Jesse
ReplyDelete"But worse, he genuinely didn’t get why I was doing it."
Most of my freinds (that aren't in ap/honors) really don't understand why we put ourselves through classes that make us what to pull our hair out and where we rarely have a break. They say they have so much fun scrapping by in an easy class while having a fun-packed social life. The truth is those, we're going places. Sure, people in CP classes aren't dumb, and I'm sure most of them would be able to get into college and get a good job, but we have bigger aspirations and ambitions, and that is what seperates us from the rest. Don't let those sort of comments get you down.
Words are very important to me. The ability to communicate accurately what I want to say is my only useful skill – at least that’s how I feel – and if it were taken from me I would become silent and listless. My mind would now, though, because I don’t think in words. I think in abstractions, un-translated and un-adulterated from their original form. Many of my thoughts won’t even translate into English, which is probably partially responsible for my fascination with other languages. When I hear words, they translate into abstractions, pictures, and emotions. When I read a description of hell, I can feel the heat, smell the filth, hear the shrieks and cries of the damned, and see the abominable darkness so thick that it is nearly its own entity – all felt just beneath my actual experiences of the moment. If words became just sounds to me, I would not be able to understand anyone as well as I do now (and I have a hard enough time with that in the first place).
ReplyDeleteWhat defines the best and worst things anyone has said to me is how strong they appeared in my mind. So to recount the most horrible things anyone has said to me is a physical pain to endure, and I would rather not dwell on it. But I will try to pinpoint what makes them harsh. How it is said has a lot to do with its final meaning – something said vehemently is distinctly different from the same thing said furiously, especially since it reflects the attitude of the speaker (most of the time, something said furiously indicates emotional weakness and instability in the speaker rather than vehemence, which seems to imply cold calculation and gives the phrase the impact of a malediction). And words are not the same coming from one person as coming from another – the concept of one person doing something is not the same as another, or even any other person. Likewise what is said varies in harshness, so it has a lot to do with how I feel about one thing. A viable death threat has not nearly as much potential for trauma for me as a phrase embodying the collapse of a relationship does, just because of how I am. Emotional pain is much more damaging to me than physical pain.
ReplyDeleteBut since I am willing and able to conjure up the best thing anyone has ever said to me, I will, gladly. One of my English teachers had read a poetry assignment that I’d done the night before, and came to me during homeroom and told me that she felt as though she could put me through to a college level English course without any difficulty if she had a choice. Of course all I could say was “Thank you,” but if I knew at that time that it would have been appropriate to smile I would have, broadly. I hold my teachers in very, very high esteem, as elders and masters of their field – I can’t even describe how it feels to me, getting a compliment from my teacher that means so much to me. I don’t exactly get compliments that much, almost never from such an esteemed individual as a teacher. I generally feel very insecure about my writing, since my words can be interpreted in different ways by just about anyone and I want to be certain that I have the desired impact. I felt that way then, and I feel that way now, and I will probably feel that way for a long time still. And I feel even more insecure about my poetry, especially since my more inspired work tends to read like prose without consistent rhyme schemes or anything and conforming to a poetic form is an uncomfortable requirement for me, and she’d just complimented my poetry specifically. There was nothing particularly special about how she said it, how she talked about my specific poems, but it was the fact that it was said – I imagined how strongly she must have felt to want to come to my homeroom and tell me how good my poems were, how much of an impact they must have made for her to remember particular stanzas of just one student out of dozens, and was elated.
Deanna N.: "There are so few people that mean the world to me (I could count them all on one hand and still have fingers leftover)."
ReplyDeleteI know how that is all too well. But remember, just because they are few doesn't mean they are low-quality. The fewer you have, the less you have to lose. That's probably easy for me to say since people just come and go in my life, the only two people who have consistently been here for me are my parents (and even that isn't completely true), but I think it's true. Cherish the ones you have.
Deanna N.: "So maybe, in that same analysis, I need to know that I am beautiful in order to become more beautiful."
ReplyDeleteI like to say that wisdom is the amalgamation of knowledge and understanding. Wisdom is the recognition of truth, so by acquiring wisdom you can reveal truth in yourself and the world around you. By knowing that you are beautiful, and understanding how and why you are beautiful, you become beautiful. It isn't just enough to say you are - you must be. The crackpot who said chanting 'I think I can' can get you through rough times should have his philosophical license taken away. Recognition of truth is a journey, and since you already know that you're beautiful, you just need to understand beauty, and you're wise!
JV Gonzalez: "With that confidence and morale, I turned myself into this big well-oiled dino-machine. This big Divasaurus Rex that is always kept in top shape. I make sure that I just dino stomp on all the dino dung in the jungle and just take in all the compliments that I get."
ReplyDeleteDivasaurus Rex, eh? ...Sounds pretty badass to me. Keep dung in its place, man, it's got nothin' on you. It's got nothin' on any of us. Nobody can make someone feel like crap without their consent.
Lauren: These two quotes coming from your mom make all the more impact on their ideas. If Matt Foss, your favorite physics buddy, had come up to you and said, “I’m so proud of you! Look how all of your hard work paid off. I knew you could do it all along,” you would probably sit and laugh in his face. I have seen how close you are your mom can be and I understand how hard to is to hear that with that much impact on you is disappointed in you. Your mom will never really be disappointed in you. You have set such a high standard and been an amazing role model for your three sisters. However, sometimes it is helpful to hear criticisms from the ones we love.
ReplyDeleteTaylor
ReplyDeleteI went through the same thing you did when my mom told me she was pregnant. I hated my little sister the moment I knew she was coming. And as my parents prepared for another child, I felt like the messed up child. It seemed as if they spent all my older sister’s left-overs on me and they were too tired to care. But after nine years of resting, they decide to spend all their money and love this lucky new kid I wanted to vanish from our family. I think all siblings go through this every once in a while. And I think you only feel as if you love Mrs. Rock’s baby more than your mom’s baby was because you wouldn’t be living with it. Living with babies suck. They cry all the time and they get themselves into too much trouble. My parents had to put little baby fences in almost every room that had “dangerous” things. But anyway, I really LOVE the way you write…Especially at “So anyway, her eggo is preggo and I’m like cool (not).”
Jessie-
ReplyDelete“The choppy water that defines today will turn to smooth sailing tomorrow.” I LOVE this quote! Maybe I’ll think about this more often when I’m overwhelmed with homework! But anyway, Jessie, people tell us AP kids this ALL THE FREAKIN TIME!! And it really frustrates me because I CHOSE to do this because I want a good future for myself. Why should everyone else HAVE to comment about it?! It’s completely unnecessary and It wouldn’t change anything anyway. My parents told me to quit cross country, quit band, and drop a couple AP classes so I only have like 2. That was one of the must offense things I’ve heard in my life. I think next time someone tells you this, you should say “Gosh, you CP people do practically NOTHING. You guys should move up to AP.” Of course that’s a bit offensive to them as well, but they’re pretty much saying the same thing to you. Oh, high school. Jessie, We all have confidence that you’re going to one of the most successful people in our class after high school!
Part 1
ReplyDeleteThinking, thinking, thinking, nothing. I’ve been trying to come up with a combination of words that were said to me that had some great effect on my life since I read the prompt to this blog Monday after school. When I asked other people about what they were writing about, they immediately knew. They had almost exact quotes of what was said to them that popped in their minds as they read the prompt. Do I not listen to others? Do I just not care what anyone says? Why wasn’t anything coming to me? I had to really think this one over. I was trying to dig into my past, trying to find something that had some astronomical effect on my life. But then I realized, it’s the little things that have the ability to affect me the most.
“You’re really annoying me right now so I’ll just talk to you later.” This phrase has been eating away at me for the past week. The worst thing that’s ever been said to me, ever? Probably not. However, it seems like it at this moment in time. The other awful things that have been said to me have been resolved, but this one still hasn’t. It was said by one of my best friends, which is what makes it such a harsh comment. I really care about him and what he thinks. Before I begin explaining how it affected me though, let me give you a little background.
August 2006: the moving truck came, packed up all his and his family’s stuff and left. Off they went to Virginia to begin a new life. Before this day, I had hung out with him everyday of the summer. We had just gotten really close and it I felt like it was all for nothing because he’d move, find new friends, and never talk to me again. It was hard, especially since I was right. He did make new friends and didn’t make an effort to talk to me anymore. For two years, all I received were about a dozen random texts saying, “Hey, I’m in Jersey, you wanna have lunch?” or something to that effect. For the next two summers following his move, I could probably count the number of times I saw, or even spoke to him, on one hand. I was at peace with it though. We grew apart and I made new friends of my own. This all changed this summer though. At the beginning of the summer, I received the same random text saying that he was visiting. However, this summer, it seemed that he came to visit practically every other weekend. We became really close again, just like old times. I even went down to visit him at his house in Virginia. For the past three months now, I’ve talked to him everyday, whether over phone calls, text messages, or on Facebook chat. He had his time to get comfortable in his new environment and everything was back to normal. So now let’s get back to what was said.
“You’re really annoying me right now so I’ll just talk to you later.” We were having another stupid little argument, like we have pretty regularly. Usually we just laugh about them and how we can’t believe something so minuscule led to an argument (which shouldn’t really be categorized as an argument since we’re laughing through most of it). However, this particular night, last Wednesday to be exact, this is how our conversation ended. This particular conservation was over Facebook chat, which made it worse considering right after that, it said “Signed off at 10:31 PM” or whatever time it happened to be. I felt like I was being shut out. The week of silence that followed didn’t help either. All week, all I could think about were those words. I replayed everything that occurred in the past three months and wondered what led to this silence. Every moment, rewind, fast forward, pause, rewind, play, every moment. Something with our friendship has been off lately, so this comment triggered in my mind a major evaluation. It’s continuing to eat at me and has left me confused, mystified, and as I repeatedly said in my OP, frustrated.
Part 2
ReplyDeleteNow onto the good times. “You truly are my best friend and I love that I can trust you with anything and know that you’ll always be there.” These words came from the mouth of someone else really close to my heart. She’s been my best friend since our little Hess school days, Kristie Aaron. I’ve always known she was my best friend, but hearing her say this made it feel like our friendship had so much more meaning than I thought ever possible for a friendship to hold. It made me feel really good to know that she considers me to be just as good of a friend as I’ve always considered her to be.
By picking these words as the best and worst of what was ever said to me shows how important friends are to me. Without them, I don’t know where I’d be. They really make me who I am. Without these people in my life, I’d be living a different life. They are with me through the good times and help me through the bad. I obviously care a lot about what they have to say. After all, my friends are mine to pick and I’ve picked people who I’ve grew to care very much about. What they have to say means a great deal to me, so it makes sense that these words are the ones I’ve chosen.
Hand written letters will always trump anything typed. Emails, word documents, and Facebook messages bow at the feet of hand written letters. Anything written has a ten fold greater impact than the same words typed mechanically on a computer. Manuscript carries a personal emotion that a cold, calculating computer can not embody. When I love you I will write you a letter by hand, in fact I will write you a thousand letters by hand. Unfortunately not everyone reserves the emotional brilliance of hand written letters for kind, loving purposes. "Homosexuality is a sin. The wages of sin are death." That is what my father wrote to me in a letter; to paraphrase it means "You're going to hell because you're gay." That letter was a bomb, stamped, sealed, and delivered right to my heart. I found no support in my parents, no loving smile. All I got was a letter, hand written with ink cruelty which left a blotch on my soul that I fear will never fade away. People have used some pretty harsh words towards me in the past, but nothing like this, and what made it the worst was that it was my own dad. It wasn't a kid from school but someone I lived with everyday of my life. Someone who raised me, and is supposed to love me. The letter made me question where this love was, and I still wonder if it exists. The days go by and the toxicity level within my own household grows, and the root of this poison can be found within that letter, within his very words.
ReplyDeletePart 2
It was the summer before high school started and I was having one of my stress induced freak outs that my sister, Sandy, bless her heart, always hated. As I pulled my hair out of my head by the fist fulls she took one big bite of a chocolate-chunk peanut butter cookie I had made the night before and said "Stephen, you are one of the smartest, kindest, most compassionate kids I know." I paused my nail biting to listen as she continued, "With your sense of justice I know you're going to change things. Why are you so worried?" She finished the cookie, gave me a swift kick in the ass with the side of her foot, and ran to the door to escape my parents who were now coming downstairs. I stood there frozen. Why was I so worried? What is the worst thing that could happen to me at Oakcrest? Sandy's words renewed my confidence and because of Sandy's compliment I try not to overreact to the challenges I face on a daily basis. Although sometimes I fail miserably at the task of being freak out free, the number of them has been greatly reduced.
I like to act like my family doesn't affect me. I pretend they're just those people I have to live with every day, no bid deal, I could care less about what they have to say. This is simply not true. What my parents think about me has changed my personality, the way I act around other people, and my emotional stability. The good thing is I have people like Sandy (and my other sister Mary Kate) who counter act the negativity. I really don't know what I would do without my sisters. Sometimes I feel like they are my only real family. Maybe I have a weak personality because I let my parents affect me so much, but they are after all attacking me from a very vulnerable position. I mean, I shouldn't be on the defensive in my own house.
The notion that words can cause someone to love you, cause someone to sever all ties with you, is false. No matter how many words you ebb together, in as romantic and heart evoking a manner as possible, if someone doesn’t feel the love you feel for them, things won’t just magically change. Feeling may develop, feelings may eventually change due, in part to your words, but words alone aren’t going to change the minds of the truly enlightened ones. Sure, words are powerful; they express everything in our very world. Communication is a key part of interaction, but it is not the only part. Words only have a life altering effect if you let them.
ReplyDeleteThe nicest thing anyone has ever said to me is “I love you”. Those three words, words that represent an infinite amount of other words, are the only words I would ever need to hear. The utter beauty and magnificence of those words, spoken with solemnity and truth, is immeasurable. No amount of words could describe the vast emotions and feelings evoked by those simple three words. I don’t openly receive compliments often. People don’t come up and say “you look nice today” or “wow, that was great Justin, you’re a wonderful person”, I am often overlooked and underappreciated, compliments are rare and far between. The biggest compliment I could ever receive is to know that I love someone and they love me too, truly, not that fake blasphemy that people spread as if it were a common house hold item. The feelings that underlay those words are far more significant than any compliment anyone can ever give. Sure, compliments feel good; I’d love to get compliments from a prestigious or respectable person who openly acknowledges my hard work. But I’d much rather have that special someone, forever, because compliments only last a short time.
I can honestly say that I can’t recall any one insult or phrase anyone has ever said to me that was “the worst thing anyone has ever said to me”. There has never been one thing that has hurt me so much that I can easily recall it as the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I think the worst thing anyone could ever do against me is to say something about me behind my back or think things and openly act based on a different set of thoughts. I don’t like fake people and someone who acts as if they’re your friend but turns out to secretly say malicious things about you is worse than a traitor or thief. Thinking malicious thoughts about someone and not revealing them, or saying them to someone else, is one of the worse things anyone could ever say to hurt me. I don’t tend to dwell on the negative comments one makes about me, I don’t take much offense. Why dwell on another’s stupidity when you could be making yourself better and accomplishing the things that you want to do? I try not to let the rudeness or stupidity of others bother me, for the most part.
Words are powerful, there’s no doubt about that. But they aren’t everything. There are things that are capable of hurting us and forming the everyday things that make up our lives. Words are the voices of our heart, but in the end, our heart is our heart and words won’t change that.
Jourdan
ReplyDeleteHaving one of your parents say something so terrible to you is hard, really hard. I guess what makes it so painful is because you don't expect it. I mean, they yell at you when you do something wrong, but when they tell you "You're going to hell." or "You're a heartless bitch." It catches you off guard. Nobody should say those things to each other, but especially not your family.
Steph and Deanna
ReplyDeleteBoth of you guys had a time when someone said you were beautiful. I almost cried because I think being called beautiful is one of the biggest confidence boosters we, as teenagers, can get as we stress through life, school, family, etc. You guys are so lucky for a sincere person to say that. I’ve been called cute, adorable, etc, but those were referring to childish characteristics and my personality. I was wish there was someone out there to turn to me and whisper “Shirley, You’re so beautiful.” I heard this song where the two guys who sing it serenade the listener and say “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, and I wanted you to know.” I literally cried the first 20 times I listened to it. When I heard It, I tried to convince myself that I was beautiful. Like Deanna said, “So maybe, in that same analysis, I need to know that I am beautiful in order to become more beautiful”.
Robert: I liked and agreed with the point you made about teacher's compliments and their significance. "I hold my teachers in very, very high esteem, as elders and masters of their field – I can’t even describe how it feels to me, getting a compliment from my teacher that means so much to me. I don’t exactly get compliments that much, almost never from such an esteemed individual as a teacher." I totally agree with this statement and enjoy the boost of confidence and morale a compliment from a teacher provides. I also admire your ability to not let things get to you. It is a truly imperative quality to not let people hurt you without your consent.
ReplyDeleteJourdan: I think your views on things said amplified due to them being said by your mother is both an advantage and a disability. Sure, mother's will always be there, or should be, and the things they say will for the most part be positive, but mothers are people too. Things they say may be out of anger or frustration, just as anyone else could slip if they were in a bad mood. Relying on your mother to always be nice and encouraging is a potential weakness and should be furthur explored. Her words, however nice or mean, shouldn't affect you more than anyone else's.
Alexis: I can relate to your description of how someone called you a bad leader and it really hurt you. I can understand how undermining something that you care so much about would really hurt your character. Insulting something you do and take pride in doing is a very hurtful thing. I also admire your notion that anyone has the potential to be a leader. That statement is a very wise one and shows a deeper level of determination and confidence.
Alix L:
ReplyDelete"When I care about someone, I need to be cared about in return or it eats away at me inside."
I have this weird need to be liked. If I find out someone doesn't like me for what ever reason I do what ever I can to change their view of me. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't help it! I understand the feeling of something eating away at you, and there comes a time when you just need to let go.
"I live by the golden rule, and when someone breaks that, it stays with me."
I feel the same way! I always try to be kind to the people around me, and sometimes I get the nastiest responses. If I'm going to take the time out of my day to be nice to you, the least you could do is be polite.
Tay
ReplyDelete"Don’t ask me why the simplest words, ones that practically held no emotion helped, but they did."
Sometimes all we need to hear is the simplest, plain statement to make us feel better. A lot of times the answer to our problem is staring us right in the face, but we refuse to acknowledge it, either because we can't or we don't want to. That's when we need someone to tell us these simple tidbits of wisdom, because we can't do it our selves.
She turned with a tear in her eye and began walking down my driveway. Her head slumped over her body and her face was looking straight down. Every second or so she would pick her head up and look straight into my eyes. I had no idea what was going on. She looked back one last time and said “Goodbye Kelsey, I promise you I will see you soon.” Entering her car, she sat for a few minutes and drove away. I had sat emotionless, not understanding that I would never see her again.
ReplyDeleteMy mother figure, my best friend, my idol just disappeared. She had looked straight into my eyes and lied to me. I hate liars. I stared everyday out my window waiting for everything to be better. She couldn’t have broken a promise she was a superhero. I felt betrayed by the one person in life I trusted. I was young very young and very naïve. I closed myself off to everyone who tried to enter into my inner circle. I knew that if she could do this, my mother, than anyone could do this. Lying and breaking a promise, the worst thing anyone could do.
“I have never been so proud of anyone in my life.” My dad and I have very unique relationship. He tells me when I am out of shape (and when to work out), he tells me when I play like shit, he gives me a pep talk before every game, and he takes me to every practice. My dad never compliments me because he believes that no one is perfect nor should act perfect. There is always room for improvement. My dad is not one of those crazy screaming dads on the sideline; he is very subtle in everything he does.
About a month ago my coach received word that I have colleges willing to offer me a full ride to play Division 1 field hockey. I fell into shock as my dad smiled. He had saved up money for college and now I had exceeded all expectations that my father had. Then he turned and spoke those words above. I look back at him and finally realized I had lived up to his expectation. This is my greatest compliment because I finally have felt accomplished. My hard work, dedication, and commitment have finally paid off. My dad had only dreamed for this to happen and I had made his dream come true.
I highlighted these two events because they have made the most impact on my life. I believe that it doesn’t matter to the extent of what is said, but who has said it. These two things were said by two people who mean a lot to me. Without ever being lied to, I never would have truly been hurt. It was the first time I had lost trust in anyone and made it hard for me to trust from then on. After this event I have not let anyone truly into my life. As for my dad’s words, I finally was able to have someone proud of my accomplishments. After competing with my brother for 16 years I have finally outdone him. My dad was finally proud of me. This has mad me work harder than ever at anything I do. It has made me stay after and run sprints after practice. I will not let my dad down.
Taylor,
ReplyDeleteI can't say that my mom said the same thing to me before but she has told me a multitude of times that I don't care about my family. She said that I cared more about my friends than I do my own blood. It really did just hurt coming from a mom. But I think that they just said that from the heat of the moment and out of anger.
JV- First of all any reference to Ms. Cathey is the perfect blog! Second of all you look amazing every single day. However, now on to the real blog topic, when people can accept someone for who they are I believe they are jealous. When you told me everything, I was so happy you trusted me and could talk about it. There is nothing wrong with who you are and I am happy you are not trying to be someone different. We are all stressed but you have still been happy every day of school. It is as if the stress does not faze you! Keep being yourself and of course keep being the Diva you are!
ReplyDeleteThe worst thing that someone has ever said to me would be from a conversation that I had with my dad. It was somewhere along the lines of “Well how do you think I felt? You made me feel horrible.” (I’m not sure if those are the exact words but that was basically what was said). This came after me telling him how upset I was that he kept making promises and breaking them all and then expecting me just to forget. Some how it turned into a ‘well you’ve basically missed my entire life’ kind of talk. Basically he tried to say that it was my fault because when I was younger I didn’t know him too well so I basically clung to my mother and tried to stay away from the guy who seemed to be a stranger to me. I thought this was the worst thing because at one point I just took all the bull and thought to myself well it probably was my fault that he never made an effort to exist in my life. I blamed myself. But then I thought why? If he had been in my life when I was young then I wouldn’t have seen him as a stranger. It made me so angry that he would even turn that whole conversation around and make everything my fault. I accept things when they are my fault and maybe certain things were my fault, I really don’t know, but not everything was my fault. Anyway so that was the bad but now I’ll move onto the good.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that stands out to me was something that my best friend wrote. “I love ya Britt, you are one of a kind and I have never had a better friend than you.” This one actually is a direct quote because it was something that she wrote under her heroes section on Myspace. I loved the entire thing that she wrote but that quote stood out the most. I guess it mattered a lot because yes she’s my best friend but she’s also my best friend who moved away and remained my best friend. I’ve had really close friends who have moved but the same thing has always happened: we all stop talking and it seems like we were never friends to begin with. That has even happened with friends who still live nearby. She lives states away though and she is still like a sister to me.
ReplyDeleteThese lines of words I guess show a few different things. One is how much confusion I feel as far as how to react to my father and how much his opinion actually does affect me. The opinion of my family and close friends really does matter to me. I don’t want him to blame me for being a small child who was shy and afraid to talk to someone she barely knew. I honestly don’t blame him for everything (I don’t mean to sound as if I do) but I guess I just want him to own up to some things. It even kind of relates to what my best friend wrote because I don’t understand how she can keep in contact with me but he can’t. But moving on to the quote from my best friend shows that I don’t like to lose friends. I actually avoid it and try to talk to people even if they do move. She is just like a sister to me and reading that just always reminds me that I’m really lucky to have the amazing friends and family that I do.
Shirley: You definitely do matter! Whether you have a low-self esteem or not I think that you are very important in this world. You are also definitely a merry person. Everyday I’ve walked into homeroom for the past three years you’ve almost always had a smile on your face and it just brightens the room! You’ve simply made high school a better and funnier place =)
ReplyDeleteJessie: I actually think I remember mister “Smarty” last year on the bus and I remember him asking you all of those questions. I also remember thinking geez just let her do her notes because it seemed like he just kept talking. Don’t worry too much about him though because I just don’t think he has the same drive that you have. Just keep doing what you’re doing because in the end all that matters is what you think.
Lauren: It’s so great how you surpassed your mom’s expectations and she told you how proud she was. I’m really close with my mom too so basically everything she says is important to me so I know it feels amazing to hear her say how proud she is. I’m just glad to hear that she told you she was proud because I’m sure it made you feel wonderful.
Taylor Palm
ReplyDeleteI am so angry at your parents! I think sitting your child down and telling her all things she does wrong is a horrible idea. That would kill any shred of confidence I had. You give me that list we talked about in physics and I’ll show up at your parents door and give them a piece of my mind!! You know what from now on every first Monday of the month me and Steven will sit you down in physics and tell you everything you do that is AMAZING just to even the scale.
Shirley
You are cute! One of the funniest things I’ve seen all year was in gym class when you were making those foul shots and started to go nuts! ☺ You are certainly not worthless no matter who tells you other wise. I’m glad you have friends who make you feel better about yourself.
Justin
I admire that you care so little of what others say to you that you can’t even remember the worst thing. I wish I was that strong.
“But I’d much rather have that special someone, forever, because compliments only last a short time.”
This is really deep. I agree that people’s actions, such as love, are much stronger than their words.
Kaitlin H- After our numerous weight room talks about this particular subject, I can understand why it is eating away at you. I know that you just want to scream his name and tell him to stop being so immature. He’s a boy that doesn’t know what he wants. Hearing the entire story and wanting to punch him in the face for being so stupid, it still does not help the fact that this is bothering you. I know that you care a lot about what he says but trust me things will settle down and he will realize how much of a stupid jerk he is being. Well if not, you know where he lives ;)
ReplyDelete“You’re disrupting my life.”
ReplyDeleteOh. That’s all I could think when I read that as tears burst from my eyes. It was the worst feeling in the world. I’ll never forget how those last four words mind as well have been four knives being thrown at my body. I never felt so useless and annoying ever. I thought I was important, I thought I was enjoyable and fun and nice to be with. I remember shaking so much and regretting talking that day, wishing I could just undo everything I had just done. Those words took their turns slapping me in the face, over and over again. Every ounce of confidence that sat with me quickly ran away and vanished. I was nothing anymore. No one had ever said anything like that to be before, not even to this day. I sit here in shock, after a year, and wonder how I resulted to nothing more than a mere interruption.
“You never had your dad, Kristie. Look at you – a gorgeous, amazing, fun, happy girl that grew up with only her mom. Look at me – I have both of my parents and I can’t make it through a day without saying how much I hate my dad. I’m so proud of you, Kris. You are honestly my hero.”
Wow. Again, that’s all I could think when these words lifted my spirit up and I began crying with such relief. I wasn’t nothing anymore. My cousin Melanie said these words to me, and I’ll never forget a single detail of the night. Melanie and I were more than best friends for such a long time and within a month all of that changed. It was like we didn’t even know who the other was. The night at her mom’s house when she said this to me, I regretted ever fighting with her and I wanted to be inseparable like before. She has the perfect life, one I’ve always wanted. For her to tell me how proud she was of me and to amount me to something other than a disruption was the most amazing comment I’ve ever received. I never thought that I was something to be proud of.
I don’t want people to be able to break me down as much as I know they can. I built a wall. I stand behind that wall and hide every day. I’m used to that wall. Those two comments above reveal that wall and how easy it is to break that wall. I am a very confident person, well that’s what is written all over that wall and that’s how my personality was built. I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t want anyone to know how to hurt me. As much as I smile and laugh, I frown and I cry (but don’t tell anyone). I am a happy person, and my personality is one of the bubbliest. My two choices show that my personality can be slashed and torn apart, but I’ve become an expert on hiding it.
ReplyDeletePart 1
ReplyDeleteThere is no question that words are the most powerful tools humans have. They can break or make someone. I cannot remember the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me in my life. However, I do know the worst thing someone has said to me in the last couple of years. “You are a horrible driver!” my mother said this to me about four weeks ago. This may seem like a stupid thing to get upset about, but for me it hurt. I got my permit about a year ago on a beautiful Saturday morning at around 11 am, and around 1110 am I got into my first accident. I was mortified. It was a minor accident, and my mother made me get right back into the car and drive home. However, after than weekend I did not drive again for about 7 months. This puts me around June, only four months before my test. I was petrified to start driving again, not because I was afraid of crashing, but because I didn’t like being yelled at. No matter whom I drove with I was criticized. I was, without a doubt a horrible driver, and they had every right to criticize me. However, I felt that I was messing up when I drove not because I didn’t know what I was doing, but simply because they made me uncomfortable. About four weeks ago, three weeks before my driving test, is when I really buckled down and started driving everywhere. My mother and I were on our way to the mall, when I stopped what she felt was too close to the car in front of me. I cringed waiting for her to scrutinize me. But instead she just turned to me straight faced and said, “You are a horrible driver!” I think what hurt me the most about what she said was that instead of criticizing me like she usually did about my driving I felt like she had given up. Like she felt there was nothing more she could teach me; that I simply sucked at driving. I currently passed my test, and am officially a licensed driver. Which is a scary thought even to me.
Part 2
ReplyDeleteThe words that at the moment feel like the nicest thing anyone has said to me is, “You have really become a good driver.” Again I know this might sound stupid to some people. My dad just said this to me the other day. Today has actually been a week since I got my license, and I have been driving mainly by my self since I got it. However, the other day my dad and I both wanted to go to K-mart, so I drove us there. I felt very comfortable for the first time driving with someone else, and in the middle of the trip he turned to me and told me “You have really become a good driver.”
I think the reason my mother’s comment was so hard for me to take was because she was criticizing me on something I already felt that I was horrible at. I feel that the reason my father’s compliment meant so much to me is because that I felt like I had finally accomplished a goal. It felt like he was cancelling out my mother’s negative comment with his positive one. I think what my two choices say about my personality is that I care way to much about what my parents think of me. I definitely care more about what they think of me, then I do what any one else thinks about me. I don’t now why this is the case. I feel like most teenagers couldn’t care less what there parents think about them.
Thanks everyone who commented on my blog. :
ReplyDeleteTaylor, haha don't be silly. Conclusions? Of course not...=P
Stephanie, of course you are beautiful. Always.
Shirley, I don't think most people appreciate and are even aware of how beautiful you really are as a person. Don't let that make you believe you aren't though. Just think of yourself, as...deserving a higher quality of humanity, aka AP LANGERS! :]
Kaitlin Hare - Reminiscing in the worst thing that has ever been said to me, I needed your blog. You don’t know how happy I am now! I love you. Anyway, regarding the first half of your comment, I can see why you chose that as your worst comment. I hate how words are so easily compiled to make a person feel like absolutely nothing. But, you’re not and you’re amazing and I love you bye.
ReplyDeleteHannah Straub - Honestly, you are the strongest person I know, and I'm not just throwing that out there. I love that you stood up and hit the goalie because no one in their right mind speaks of anyone like that. I remember last year when you hit your face and you were a g with your stitches and crutches and STILL came to the game. You're such a different kind of person that I think everyone should shoot for. You're just great.
JV Gonzales - I remember you telling me about that, immediately after it happened. I honestly don't know how people speak to you like that because you are one of the few people that I see friendly to everyone. You should know that people like that will result to nothing, and I feel I have authority to say that and mean it for the simple fact that I've been told that. You're an amazing person, one so unique that people will use anything to break you down. Be you and like Tim Gunn, make it work.
Taylor -
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your story with your mother. Probably not completely, but when I was like, seven or eight my mother got pregnant. Me not wanting to lose the "baby" spot in the family, I often made comments about how I didn't want this baby. And then, we found out that the baby was extremely unhealthy and would come out mentally retarded and probably wouldn't live a nice life. Adam would live his life in a wheel chair, strapped down, filled with so much medication. (Yeah, my parents named them. Which made it even worse. Because you never name things you shouldn't get attached to!). So, my mother not wanting Adam to live this life, got an abortion and nonetheless I felt horrible. Like I was the one that damage ever fiber of his developing being. You know your mother probably didn't mean it to say that it was your fault, but I completely understand how you feel.
Lauren -
That's really awesome that you have such a close relationship to your mother and it's even more awesome that she supports you on everything! A lot of kids would really kill for that kind of thing and you're really blessed to have that. And I know exactly what you mean. My parents never exactly tell me they're disappointed in me, but I often get, "Don't disappoint me" which makes things even more intense, stresses me out even more and heightens the barrier between me and my parents. Hah if I ever become a parent, I'm never going to say things like that unless really needed. It really sucks. >_<
Shirley -
Shirley don't let what your parents say phase you like that. You take on so much, more than I do, and still hold your ground pretty well. You have an endless amount of potential, and I don't know what you did that gives your parents the excuse to say that to you. I don't believe anyone in this world is truly "worthless". Hah I wish I saw the "your so cute" comment as you do. I'm glad you enjoy it, because coming from certain people, I don't! lol. I find it condescending from some people. Like they don't take it seriously. But from the way you describe it, I can see it differently now! :]
Justin H -
ReplyDeleteThank you! That really means a lot. Hah you have no idea.
Alix -
I know what you mean, and unfortunately that's something I have yet to figure out how to overcome.
PART I:
ReplyDeleteThere's no doubt that words are essential to my life. Words are full of magic and wonder. There's something so magnificent, so exhilarating, so, so... so real about words! With a usage of a different word, or syntax, and such could change the complete effect. To be able to assemble such beautiful, eloquent sentences with syntactical variety, luculent vocabulary and fluency, is the greatest strength that anyone can have.
We have all ruined somebody’s day, created friendships, cause smiles to appear and changed the course of our lives with just simple words.
I still bawl my eyes out whenever I watch Moulin Rouge, I crack a smile from ear to ear whenever I hear love songs, I remain lifeless in a reverie for hours in bed, , and okay, okay, I’ll say it: I’m a hopeless romantic.
Being a teenage girl, I’ve been exposed to the never-ending process of self-loathing. The media has plastered on posters of flawless models with high-cheek bones, long slim legs, sharp jaw-lines, mysterious eyes and lean, tall frames. Victoria Secret’s advertise their sacred, angels with melons as boobs in nothing but lingerie. Glowing, radiant skin is a must. The Hip-Hop industry praises ‘the big ol’ fat-ass. Everyone famous and rich is beautiful. Everyone worth knowing is beautiful. Outer beauty is just a necessity...
And so, here I am, well, was, on my road of self-loathing. Have you ever seen me in sweat-pants and a wife-beater (not including gym class)??? Ben and I weren’t going out for too long, in fact, it was about two months or so, but I became comfortable with Ben, and he became comfortable with me. Going out with him for so long, I sometimes wouldn’t care about my appearance because I didn’t need to impress him. And so, maybe my style was off (ESPECIALLY since it was summer), and come on, it’s me speaking, a purveyor of love, FASHION and madness. Not only was my style slacking, but I also gained a few pounds then, and didn’t wear make-up whatsoever. You see, my older, closest group of friends is a collection of these beautiful kids. (Well, not so much kids, anymore). It’s easy to hate yourself when you’re the biggest girl in the group, even if you’re just average.
And then he said, “I love YOU because I simply love the way you are,and who you are.”
To this day, his words have completely moved me in such a profound that it made me love the exact person that I am.
PART II:
ReplyDeleteWith my optimistic and upbeat personality, I can’t think of the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me. I’ve been totally pissed off, and irritated, but never have I ever been told something that has altered my personality. BECAUSE of Ben’s lovely words, insults and don’t faze me because I know who I am, and I LOVE the person I am today.
And believe me; I’ve heard all of the insults in the world. Collectively, apparently I’m a two-faced, permanently high/drunk, bitchy, bombast, mediocre, ‘stoopid’, poser, self-indulgent, thunder-thigh’d, immature, abandoning, shitty-friend. In all honesty, all of those insults make me giggle because I know that I am none of the above...
Okay, well, maybe thunder-thigh'd thing is a little true, but shit, it's genetics, so what are you going to do!?
Kristie -
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize how beautiful your writing was until I just read your blog post. Both of your 'yin' and 'yang' affected me powerfully in a profound way. Whoever said that you were interrupting was being an asshole. Please promise that you'll never, EVER feel like you're useless, a waste of life, and annoying. Pinky-swear, please!
You are a such a wonderful person, and you always seem to be able to put smiles on people's faces. Hell, everyday that you hit on me and tell me how cute I am makes me smile like crazy! :P
And again, you're a wonderful person. Never feel useless.
p.s. I had to say it again, your writing is beautiful! Every blog of yours that I had the chance to read seemed so flawless and elegant.
Justin H-
ReplyDeleteYou never cease to amaze me. Justin, maybe I'm just not close enough of friend to your, but whenever you give your perspective or views, my jaw just dropsYou never cease to amaze me. Justin, maybe I'm just not close enough of friend to you, but whenever you give your perspective or views, my jaw just completely drops. At first, I always figured that you were just this silent guy who was a hard-worker, but when I became your lab-partner last year, it’s as if this entirely new foreigner just transferred to Oakcrest. You turned out to be this zany, goofy smart-ass who can always make me crack a smile. BUT, then we started blogging. Oh my lord, I have never realized how deep, and sincere you were until these blogs. Your writing always seems to be orchestrated like a perfect symphony. Justin, keep doing that thing you do, whatever the hell that is. You’re possibly one of my favourite people in our grade. Anyone who hasn’t talked to you yet is seriously missing out on one of the most magnificent people ever known in man-kind.
Kelsey-
ReplyDeleteI can't believe what your best-friend did. No calls? No texts? Did you even have an idea that she was just breaking off your friendship like that? What she did was so cruel to do, ESPECIALLY that she probably knew that you looked up. Abandonment is such a strange notion-- it takes years to create a strong relationship, and then within days, hours, minutes, seconds, the friendship can completely diminish into that, a 'yeah, that's just somebody I used to know,' sort of deal. And it's not about that you can't trust anyone but yourself, it's just that you should always stay cautious. Always.
Deanna-
ReplyDeleteThe compliments you received placed a smile from ear to ear on my face. I've always thought such things about you, Deanna. When you read your occasional paper in class, I couldn't help but stare into outer-space in awe, after it was read. Every word that I have ever heard you say just seemed as if it was crafted with like a diamond ring-- so genuine, so beautiful, so perfect!
There is NO DOUBT in the WORLD that you'll go far one day! I know that you will be successful in all of your future endeavours and I know that you'll go jump over any obstacle that comes your way.
However, I feel that there is a downfall in your personality. The downfall being that it seems that you lack some self-esteem (it especially was evident when you were all like, 'Me? Beautiful??'
Hell, Deanna, with your looks and your personality, you are practically a super-hero, a goddess, an idol to look up to!
p.s. Obviously, I think you're an awesome person.
p.s.s. Please pinky-swear that all of your suicidal tendencies are all out of the door! You should never contemplate such a thing. ever. ever ever everrrrrr!!
Jessie: Thanks for complimenting me on my Sweet Sixteen dress. I thought I looked horrible in it actually. My boyfriend said I was "a sight of perfection." But I sort of thought he had to say that. Don't say that you couldn't pull it off, I did. I am probably a hundred times less girly than you. You would have looked fabulous in a color that looked nice on you.
ReplyDeleteShirley: I agree. Bein called beautiful is one of the most confident building things anyone has ever said to me. I am sure that you are exaggerating when you say you have never been called beautiful. You are beautiful. =D
Taylor: Thanks for your comment. It sort of helps when someone else says that what happened was not right. I can try and make it not my fault in my head but it always falls back on "maybe I did something wrong." The situtation is not something I really want to go into detail about... maybe in an OP or something.
How many words make up the English language? I don't even think there is an accurate answer, but yet people always find themselves at a loss for words. How? There are positive and negative connotations to a word. We struggle to find words because what matters most is how we say those words.
ReplyDeleteAs many of you may have figured out, I tend to word things in a way that is comprehensible to only me and a few other people. I tend not to think too much before I say things, and most things I say are usually irrelevant. I just like to talk. There is a large distinction, however, between just saying things out of impulse, and acting dumb.
I'm sitting in sixth grade English class, with the five other people that were in the class, and a thought crossed my mind. Instantly, I say it, not thinking what it would sound like before I did. My teacher turns, looks at me, and says, "You need to stop acting like you are dumb. You need to stop pretending to be a ditsy air-head because I know you aren't."
Although she implied in her comment that I was smart, that was the most insulting thing I had ever heard. I don't see any point in acting dumb. Why would I want people to think I'm dumb when really I work hard and excel with intelligence? It's pointless, and I couldn't believe that she thought that of me. As much as I love talking, I was at a loss of words. I didn't want to say anything anymore, in fear that she would accuse me again of acting dumb. As much as I respected this teacher, I felt as if she hadn't been my English teacher since third grade. I thought she knew and understood me after three years, but for her to say something like that, I was wrong. I do understand that sometimes I need to watch what I say. Yes, there is a time for everything, but I think I have proper judgment. I know when to remain silent, but when something crosses my mind and it's an appropriate time, I'll say it. I guess that's just me. I'm honest and I talk a lot. But I don't act dumb.
My passion in life is singing. I love nothing more than to sing. I found it's something I tend to excel in, and it makes me happy. I can walk into period 9/10 (select choir class) in the worst mood ever, but leave in one of the best. The people, the words, the music all wrap around my mind, and I can't help but to smile. I feel as if I can just sing my troubles away. The best compliments I receive are those that have something to do with singing. When people encourage me to audition for a certain group, it means so much to me. When people say my talent is singing or that I'm good at it, it means so much to me. It may not seem like a lot, but when someone recognizes you individually, it makes you feel great. It's something I love to do, and so when someone compliments my hard work, it means the world to me. Recently, I was at cheerleading practice, and the most talkative, outspoken, intimidating girl that's not on the team said, "that cheerleader over there can sing" and pointed at me. She's in my choir class, but I never sang to her. I didn't even think she listened to anyone but herself. For her to pay attention to me from all the way across the room and say what she did, made me feel great. I think it was the nicest thing I could hear, especially coming from someone like her who I would least expect it from. It still means a lot from family and friends, but not nearly as much as it did from this one person.
ReplyDeleteJourdan- What you said to me at soccer practice today, don't worry about it. Now that I read other blogs it's obvious you're not the only one who's had an issue with their mom like that! It happens and nobody's gonna think any differently of you-know-who ;)
ReplyDeleteKristen D- All that you said about singing and choir and stuff is just how I feel about sports! Like I can be having the worst day ever then win a soccer game and forget everything and just say my day was awesome because of that. And yea girl you can sing because you definately used to hum all the time behind me in algebra 2 freshman year... but I liked it!!
ReplyDeleteJustin H- I feel the same way Isabella does about you- you used to be so quiet on the bus and in my middle school classes. But now you're like really funny! I don't wanna sound like a creeper, but I can't help but hear you over my ipod in the morning and afternoon bus rides. You're always making the whole middle of the bus laugh and sometimes I even laugh. That probably sounds weird but it's true and you're really funny! But then you're sooo deep in your blogs!
ReplyDeleteTaylor: Don't feel like a horrible daughter, because you aren't. Mrs. Rock's baby isn't the baby that was going to kick you out of your room into the basement, or create more chaos in the house. It's understandable that you didn't want another child living with you, because you would directly be affected. You didn't wish for your mom to have a miscarriage, and when she did, although it's sad, things as you knew them would stay the same, which is what you wanted all along.
ReplyDeleteALIX: You are so strong. I remember exactly when this happened and everything and I am so glad that things are good, or at least civil between the two of you. I'm so happy I was a part of that too. :) I think it takes a lot of courage to put aside things that happened in the past, and I'm proud of you that you finally did.
JV: We were talking about the blog before we even wrote them and I just want to say that I love that you had the courage to write what you did because I know that you didn't feel as comfortable writing it as you would another thing that someone said to you. I hate when people judge a person without knowing how they act. It's wrong of him to assume that and say that. You are strong, and you should be proud of it. I'm glad you don't let things like that get you down now. :)
Thanks Hannah :) Hahah I miss those algebra two days. And trust me girl, you can play your butt off on that field. I've seen you play. I could NEVER play like you do. You can see the passion when you play.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteShirley: I always wonder what you’re thinking. You’re always so quiet, but I know that you have so much you’d like to say. Now I see why. Actions speak louder than words. You’re one of those people who just goes with vibes. This blog really helped me to understand you better. However, I can’t believe that you don’t think that you are talented with putting words together in a beautiful manner. You definitely can! And don’t believe it when anyone tells you you’re worthless. You have so much potential to do some really great things.
ReplyDeleteHannah: When I read your blog and saw what that goalie said to you, I was shocked. She couldn’t possibly have known what has happened to say something that low. Regardless, I’m glad you hit her. She definitely deserved that one. That brings me to your best compliment. I have to agree. You are one of the strongest people I know. To go through what you have these past couple of years and to still be the same ole Hannah, that’s impressive. So many people would just shut their lives down, but you’re still motoring, stronger than ever. You’re so strong to be able to go through something like that and still be able to remain yourself.
Deanna: I love your optimism. It’s evident when reading your blog how optimistic you really are, considering the majority of your blog is about various compliments. It could be the worst day ever, full of negatives in my mind, yet somehow you will be able to find that one positive thing that happened to use as motivation to remain upbeat. I envy this trait of yours and just wanted to let you know that your optimism inspires me to try to be more optimistic in situations.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTaylor-
ReplyDeleteI really respect you taking a not-so-positive statement and twisting it into an inspiration of your daily life. To be honest, I've always been jealous of your confidence. I'm the one who is always down on herself, lacks self-esteem, and just isn't comfortable with her body. You, on the other hand, have such a confident charisma that any girl would want to have. I was taken by surprise when you mentioned your Yang, but I believe this surprise was a good thing. You're version of a Yang is definitley not mine, but it is interesting to see how words balance us out.
Part ONE :]
ReplyDeleteIt’s no surprise to me that we have a blog on this. The power that words have on the development of a person is just as important as the events they live through day after day. The worst thing that was ever said to me actually happened way back in second grade. It was said to me by my ‘best friend’ at the time, and it’s something that I feared would someday become true. It started off like any other day, we were running around like wild animals, enjoying the freedom that recess always brought us, when she suddenly stopped and asked me to swing upside down on the monkey bars. Now, I had just finished recovering from an injury that I received from those same monkey bars, and I declined her offer. I was scared to hurt myself again, so what else was I going to say? Apparently, that’s not the type of answer she expected or wanted, because she responded with “God, you’re such a bad friend. One day all of your friends are going to leave you.” Most people would probably brush that off and snap back with some witty answer, but I broke down. It’s like that confidence balloon that was floating merrily inside of me was suddenly pricked with a particularly malicious needle, intent on destroying the fiber of my being. Like I had mentioned in a previous blog, the worst thing anyone could do was call my character or personality into question, and in her saying that, it attacked that very weakness. Of course I’m aware that it was said in second grade, and I should’ve probably forgotten it by now because it was said by a stupid little girl, but it hurt me so bad at the time. The part about every one leaving me didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I was already aware that I would lose several of my friends as I grew older, but I wasn’t prepared to be called a bad friend, especially since I had declined something so trivial. It just caught me off guard, and for some reason it’s always something I’ve been scared would happen again, especially if that friend was really close to me. I’d never want the people close to me to ever feel like I’m not helping or supporting them enough. I just want everyone around me to happy and emotionally stable, because of they’re healthy and well, I can enjoy my happiness twice as much if I have someone to share it with.
Part TWO :]
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, the nicest thing that was ever said to me was actually said to me by our very own Kale Nagasaki [ehem…Deanna]. We were sitting around, having one of those discussions on whether someone can truly be perfect or not, and whether or not there even is such a thing. Somehow, it morphed into a conversation about desirable traits in different people and the qualities that they can acquire that make them ‘seem’ perfect. Kale suddenly said something along the lines of her never being pretty or interesting enough to ever have anyone love her [which totally isn’t true, as we all know]. I responded with mentioning all the flaws that I just happened to have, such as my awkward toes and obnoxious laugh, but she retorted with ‘But in all those imperfections, you become perfect in a way that’s all your own.’ Usually, I just blow off compliments from people because I’ve been hearing the same thing from different people ever since I was little. “Oh, Gwen, you’re so funny!” “Your laugh is so loud, I LOVE it!” “You’re toes are so cute!”After a while, they seemed pretty repetitive, and I learned to say thank you and laugh them away, but they were compliments that never seemed to stay with me. However, Deanna’s comment took all the flaws that people usually tend to laugh at, and turned them into a quality about myself that I’ve never realized before. Her complement made me think differently about myself than I never have before. I was so used to referring to myself as ‘Gwen, the Immigrant’ or ‘Gwen, the Medical Mystery’, but I had never referred to myself as the wonderful being that Deanna saw. Her comment not only had a huge boost on my confidence, but it also helped me to love all my flaws and to be completely comfortable in all the things that made me, me.
Both of the comments that I’ve highlighted don’t really have much in common. One of them shows my insecurities in my character and how I worry that one day I’ll behave in a way that causes the people I love to resent me in some way. The other one is completely focused on me and how I view myself. However, both of them are equally important. I’d love to have everyone love me and appreciate me enough to have me play a part in their lives, but before that, I also need to love myself and to appreciate all of the quirky things that simply serve to make me the amazing person that I [think] I am. :D
Kristen!
ReplyDeleteWe both know how amazing our choir class is this year, and I can totally relate to going in there all pissed off and then emerging from that class in the best mood ever. You're an amazing singer, and maybe one day, you can finally become an alto with me. :P
Kristen-
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing soprano (2) singer. If I could, I would give you all the confidence in the world. I completely agree with you. My confidence, as well, is based highly off of my passion: acting and singing. This summer, an Abesegami person, who is a phenomenol singer, told me that she loved my voice. I will never forget that. The little compliments is what makes us better, for it provides our performance with the greatest of confidence. Positive words are all I need to get by an audition. So, I know what it is like to be treated with a singing compliment. The feeling is just indescribable.
As for your Yin, it's sad how we remember each and every word that trickles out of one's mouth. You had that quote straight on. I, as well, would be highly insulted if someone said that to me. Personally, I do not agree with that remark. :)
Shirley!
ReplyDeleteHow many times have I told you that you are one of the cutest people that I have ever met in my life!? Haha. I love you just the way you are and I never want that to change. We always have fun when we're together [in band or otherwise] and I know that I can count on you no matter what. :D
Actions speak louder than words, right? Not always. Words hurt, or lift you up. They can bury themselves into you and linger in your head or heart for what feels like forever. Sometimes it’s a good thing, other times not so much. I don’t usually let someone’s words bother me, but I’ve found that’s sometimes easier said than done. The only person whose words ever truly affected me in a negative way were my mom’s. I don’t like to call her my mom or a mother because she simply isn’t one.
ReplyDeleteI didn’t know a whole lot about my parents’ situation when my mom first left. I knew that they didn’t love each other anymore, obviously, but I did not know that my mother didn’t love me anymore either, or my sisters for that matter. Before she even left she told her friend Chaira that she “regrets having my children because now the spotlight is no longer on me, but all the attention goes to them instead.” I do not think this is the exact wording, but it is close enough; the meaning is still the same.
Most kids only hear their parents say that they love them. But when you hear that you are one of their regrets simply because they are an attention whore, well that’s hard. When I first heard about this I was totally shocked. I didn’t know what to think, let alone how to react. But now, I don’t care when she says something rude or disrespectful about my sisters or I. It’s expected, actually. But that one comment made me feel unwanted, unloved. Mothers are not supposed to say that to, or about, their children. It’s blasphemy. It’s unheard of.
However, there are many things that people have said to me that make me happy. It’s hard for me to choose the best compliment, but the one I choose probably comes from my best friend Mark. He once told me that I am one of the very few real people that he knows. At first, I was just like, “thank you.” But later, when I thought about it, I realized that it was a very genuine and true compliment. A lot of people nowadays are not “real.” People change who they are around others, they do what everybody else does to “fit the trend,” and they act like they should be the center of attention. I don’t do any of that. I stay me, I do what I want, and I try to stay away from the spotlight (all thanks to my mother; she is fake, therefore I have learned not to be). It made me feel good. Weak adjective, I know, but I felt good. About myself, about who I was, about my friends and the people that I knew that were real as well.
I’m not sure why I chose these two comments. The one from my mom was just an example of her typical behavior, but it was the first that came to mind. It was, however, one of the first negative things she had said about us, so it probably had the largest impact. I chose the one from Mark because he would always compliment me in ways that other people never bothered to. People would normally comment on looks or clothes while he would always comment on character. Those are the best kinds of compliments. They mean the most to me because it shows that people really do pay attention to others’s attributes and personalities, not just their looks and/or clothing choice. Not everyone is shallow!
Taylor: We all have our issues with our parents, but I think what your mother said was wrong. Sure, you may not have enjoyed the idea of having a new baby around; not everyone is going to be as happy as your mom was. But you did nothing wrong! Don’t feel guilty. You had no way of knowing that the baby wasn’t going to make it, so you truly can’t blame yourself. As for the other comment, self-confidence is a must! I’m glad you took those words to heart because if you should matter to anyone, you should matter to yourself. You are so pretty and so skinny and so awesome, I’m like jealous. You have so much going for you, and if you have a positive attitude, it just makes it so much easier and better!
ReplyDeleteJessie: Who needs Smarty anyway! Obviously he does not want to get anywhere in life. The fact that you set goals for yourself and strive to reach them is amazing, I admire that! And congratulations with your dressage, it’s moments like that that make us all feel important and truly good about ourselves!
JV: You look fierce everyday! You always come to school looking so fresh and just looking good because you love it. You are so right about our teachers helping us to see the real us. Parents see us, but they don’t always understand us. Friends see us too, but once again, some of the understanding may be lacking. Your views on everything are so admirable!
Part One:
ReplyDeleteI’m always a believer in it’s not what you say, but how you say it. But in some cases, the words just hit you so hard it doesn’t matter how you say them. It is hard for me to pick a time where someone’s words hit me hard, because we’re people we say mean things here and there with some nice things as well, and I like to remember the nice things over them. So I’ll start off with the mean and then end with the nice so I remember that.
One of the meanest things I have heard is what I read about me, actually. I was in the car and my friend (nameless) was texting someone, this happened freshmen year or so, so it isn’t like this anymore, and I was being nosey because she was in the middle spot of the back so I saw her text: “My friend’s are so annoying, I don’t even know why I am friends with them.” That hit my heart, because if I want to be anything, it is a good friend. I felt shocked, hurt and most importantly, disrespected. I wanted to cry and hit her and say “Then why are we friends?” But I didn’t and I never even confronted this person. It would have done no good, I think. We have been through everything and I’m glad I didn’t say anything because we’re still friends and I am happy with our friendship.
I also just hate the little side comments people make about my car accident, yes I make jokes, but you can’t and my jokes are sarcastic because it still bothers me. But one of the hardest things to hear is people just shout out my business to their friends and call me out. I never did anything these to people, so who are they to say things about me? Mean things people say can make someone paranoid, and I am paranoid. I’m paranoid about being a good friend and I am paranoid about if someone random knows me, I think it’s because of my accident, not cause I’m cool or I actually do know them, I just automatically think it is because of that.
Part Two:
ReplyDeleteNow onto the good, because I like good things better and I want you to remember the nice things people say. The nicest thing anyone has probably said to me or about me is from Nick Seney. After I scored the game winning goal against Mainland that got into the playoffs last year he said that nicest thing. I do not remember that exact words but it went something like: “How does it feel to have practically everyone at the game and to hear them cheer that you made play offs? How does it feel to know this happened because of you? Thank you Megan Sherman.” It was longer than that, but I think you get the idea. This statement made me feel so good and important to the school, that I made history or something. That is the best moment in my life, I remember every detail and then to follow it up to that? I just felt amazing! I barely knew him at that the time, so it was shockingly refreshing and defiantly appreciated and I will never forget what he said. I also remember something that was recently said to me that was shocking but I don’t think I have ever been happier or filled with butterflies or anything like that. “Megan, I’m really falling in love with you.” I never thought I would hear that come out of some ones mouth and let alone to me. My heart stopped, a smile appeared on my face and got hot and red. To hear that, I don’t know, but it was amazing, and I felt it too. I have never been love, but I am falling now and I don’t care. It also feels nice to get the occasional, “oh you look nice” or “hair is pretty” or “oh you have such nice teeth”, they are also great things to hear. I also feel really good when I’m helping someone with a problem and they say “It is people like you who make me feel better, thanks Megan.” I like to feel appreciated more than anything.
The bad moments are moments you want to forget, but you can’t, because words affect who you are and how you feel and how you feel about other people. Words have a greater power over us than our parents or teachers or any authority figure (because let’s face it, what they say sometimes hit us hard too). So choose what you say wisely, it could really make or break someone. But for now, I’ll focus on the good things people say, because they mean more to me than some rotten thing some jerk face has ever said!
Deanna (Kale Nagasaki)-
ReplyDelete“You are invaluable.”
- It is truly amazing how three simple words can change a person's mindset. You go from suicidal to complete bliss in result of your friend's three-word remark. It just goes to show how words change EVERYTHING. What would we be without words? Anyways, besides your intelligent and nearly impeccable writing style, your confidence seeps through this blog. I guess your Californian friend really did affect you in the best of ways. Not just this blog, EVERY blog you write (yes, I think i read all of them) is engulfed in the most apparent and compelling confidence. I really do admire, Kale, so don't change.
Referring to your Yin, my parents divorced when I was three. Although I was too young to recall the exact words of hatred during that time, I cringe at the thought of it. So, the words of divorce hasn't affected me. The feelings, however, definiteley have.
Kale Nagasaki!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I remember you telling me when Max said that to you...?? I'm not sure, but either way it's totally true. We've had countless conversations about people and you are honestly one of the most beautiful people I know. That's a fact that you should already know by now...I just felt like telling you again. :]
Justin - you're really not funny they're just trying to make you feel good :} j/p. Over the past years I've gotten to know you (well obviously) better then anyone else has. I love how three simple words can effect you so greatly. I'm happy you don't over use the words I love you . You actually make it seem like it has meaning. I think most people over use the saying, "I love you" Has beauty because you have given it beauty. I agree on the whole fake thing, you and I have talked about this many times before. The thing is , I'm nice to everybody I meet, even people I don't necessarily like, so according to your definition I'm fake. You're being a hypocrite because you do the same thing. Over all I guess you're a good person.... :}
ReplyDeleteHannah - Oh my goodness, Lauren is such a bitch! I have always not liked her, she is so stuck up and she disrespected you so much. But I really think winning is the worse punishment, so score and then beat them up. But girl, you know how strong I think you are and I'm glad to know that every time I say that you get happier. I'll say it more often :)
ReplyDeleteTaylor - I remember you telling me about all that baby mama drama. I hope I was there for you enough when it all happened. I also hope you're still ok with it. Also I wanted to tell you that you had every right to be upset with your mom being pregnant, it was an awkward situation and don't blame yourself for anything.
Even with the whole boy thing, I hope you have built self confidence because he is right. But I hope all the nice things people say now to you can replace the jerk face boys words. But I mean whatever makes you happy and lifts your spirits. As long as you're happy.
Robert: I think we take "Thank You" for granted. So it was so sweet you think that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said. I guess sometimes how they say something is what makes it so special, or even what they're implying it too. I also hope you remember this moment over any mean thing anyone has said to you, because those are the moments that truly matter.
Yin:
ReplyDelete"I'd rather you die from this liver cancer so I don't have to deal with the burdens from you anymore."
These words. These harsh, cold words pierce my soul with a poisonous dagger every day as they roll into my thoughts every time I see her. These words made me feel inhuman and worthless. Especially since they came from someone who I respected so much and cared so much about. When she said these painful words to me I felt like all the life in me was sucked away into an invisible vortex, never to be found. I cried. But not out of sadness or depression, but out of anger. It stirred this sort of insane anger in me that I didn't know existed. Why do you say this to me? What did I do? I wanted to ask her these questions but I didn't. I just sat there silently, listening to her continue with more cold words escaping from her mouth as if she had locked them in her entire life and they had just been released for the first time.
There were many instances where she has said similar things to me, but I usually just brushed them off because things like this were commonly said and then forgotten as if they never happened.
But this time I knew it wasn't one of those instances. I knew from the austere look on her face, that something inside of her actually meant it this time. I could feel her expression burn a million agonizing holes through me. It hurt like hell. It still does when I get the same looks everyday.
Yang:
"You are really an amazing person."
When I heard these words from one of my best friends, I couldn't believe them. Me amazing? What? I didn't know what to say in response to him because I felt nothing I would have said could make him feel the way I did when I thought about those words. So I just replied with a "Thank you" because those two words possess such an immense amount power when they are said truly from the heart.
I think my friend's words meant so much to me (they still do) because he was the only person I shared ALL of my thoughts with that really listened. I wasn't afraid to tell him anything because I knew he'd listen first, only then would he offer his comments and advice. I have been told I was nice, funny and smart before but never amazing. These words made me feel indescribable. There's not other way to describe it.
Undoubtedly, both the Yin and Yang have had a massive impact on my personality. I feel the pain from the bitter words of my Yin every single day and it hurts. I don't think anyone should hear words like that directed toward them, ever. They wield the power to completely shatter a person's soul. But whenever I feel my broken soul shatter further from those words I try to remind myself of those heart-felt words my best friend said to me. I almost automatically mend back and I feel amazing...for the moment. Honestly, my personality has been more effected by the worst comment because I'm more vulnerable to being hurt, especially if someone I care about hurts me.
Kel- I loved your blog, especially the part about your dad. I am glad that your dad is noticing your athletic ability, even though I feel like he has always known you are an amazing field hockey player. I like how your dad's words have motivated you to work harder. I am so happy for you in that instance and whoever that friend was who decided to isolate herself from you, does not deserve you. :)
ReplyDeletePart Uno
ReplyDeleteI have lived a very fortunate life.
It's either that no one has ever said anything to me with immense negative impact or that I have simply not been bothered by it. Because I'm sure someone, somewhere has said something tremendously awful to me, it must mean that I simply don't let these negative words affect me. Because of this, I had a really hard time thinking about the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. Okay, maybe you're thinking he's full of it; it's impossible for a person to never be hurt with words, but I'm telling the truth. Sure, words have hurt me in the past, but none of these words have hurt me enough for me to remember them because I just brush all of them off.
However, if I had to pick something, anything, I would have to say that the worst thing anyone has ever said to me was when my math teacher at St. Joseph's said something along the lines of "Simon, you need to learn how to accept when you're wrong. You need to be more like a sponge."
Although these words don't really affect me now, they really pissed me off at the time. She scolded me right in the middle of class, in front of all my classmates. She was the first math teacher I ever hated. I don't even remember what happened to spark that comment from her, but I do remember how we always argued in class. We never even argued about big matters, they were always small, but nonetheless, they would always get heated. Similar to how she thought I needed to accept being wrong, I also thought she needed to accept being wrong, but of course, given her position, I couldn't say it to her face. This contributed to much of my anger.
These words were probably the worst things ever said to me because it was one of the things I actually remembered. I reasoned that words that have stuck in my memory must have had a significant impact on me. Of course, there were a few other memories of hurtful words to choose from, but my first instinct was to write about her words and so I simply followed my first instinct, believing that it, being my first instinct, influenced me more than the other words.
Part Dos
ReplyDeleteSimilarly, I also had trouble thinking about the best compliment I ever received. I don't really receive comments, but when I do, I tend to tell myself that most people compliment me out of kindness, not out of a burning desiring to share their thoughts with me. Sometimes I'll receive an honest and meaningful comment, but those are rare. Like everybody else, comments boost my self-esteem and, in general, make me feel good about myself. One of these rare and honest comments was when Kale said to me, "Simon, your the best," right before Language Class. It was spontaneous, beautiful, and most importantly, from the heart. Being me, I didn't really think about it at the time, and so I simply did the socially correct action of thanking her, and complimenting her back. Of course, my compliment was one of those makeshift, out of your butt, compliments. In fact, it was so meaningless and without heart that I don't even remember what I said to her. It is quite possible, however, that I either returned to her a, "You're the best too!" or a simple and general compliment. I picked Kale's words as my number one compliment because, well, it was the first thing that popped into my head. I reasoned, once again, that if it was the first thing I remembered, then it was probably the most important compliment to me.
These two specific comments reveal my likes and dislikes. It shows how I take pride in my personality, and how I may dislike of other people's criticism of it, despite how they may be sometimes beneficial. Although my anger towards her was probably due more so to her delivery than to her words, I was hurt most by her negative words because I take in my personality. It is one of the few special characteristics that make me, me. Similarly, my choice of the best compliment also reflects my pride in things that defy me. When Kale says, "Simon, your the best," she is complimenting me in a general sense that encompasses every aspect that defines me as opposed to factors such as clothes and hair style, that don't. What defines me are my personality traits, intelligence levels, skills, and other characteristics.
My choice of the best compliment also shows how I prefer honest interactions between people. I'm the type of person who advocates the idea that everyone should sit a circle and spill out all our opinions, good and bad, of each other. If everyone were to be honest, then the whole world would be happier.
“Jonathan I’m very disappointed in you.” My mother said years ago but it still feels like yesterday. Everyone has those moments when you’d rather have your parents yell at you then give you that look of sheer disappointment. This was the dilemma I faced two years ago, I wanted my mom to yell at me in the worst way because I knew after the yelling was over everything would go back to normal, instead I received a bone chilling look and a shake of the head. Some kids wouldn’t be really affected by this but for some reason this really touched me and made me think about my actions. When a parent yells at you, you know it’s out of love and their only looking to do the best in you. But its way worse when they say nothing, because you get the feeling that they’ve given up and just don’t care about what you do anymore. As for the best compliment I’ve received “ I knew all along that you could do it.” My dad told me this after I received my last report card at the end of the year. After he told me this an intense feeling of pride circulated through my veins, I finally felt as if I’d done right and that I was on the right track to a successful future. The choices I made of statements people told me show that I’m very susceptible to outside judgment, on not only school but also every aspect of my life. It shows people that I’m not perfect and I admit it. I’m very open to criticize others, but I myself always don’t like to be challenged on my opinions.
ReplyDelete“Lucas, if you died, nobody would come to your funeral. No one would notice, and no one would care.”
ReplyDeleteYeah, Ricky! Way to turn my day from mediocre to absolute hell. This friend of mine has a tendency to joke around like this, but I didn’t laugh. I don’t have the highest self esteem in the world to begin with, and to be told something like that, however jokingly, was pretty devastating. It entered my mind for weeks to come, and still does occasionally. What if I don’t end up mattering to anyone? What if my funeral really would be empty?
I don’t want to end up alone. I tend to be very quiet (no… strike that. I’m not quiet. Rather, I’m shy, and it takes a long time for me to open up to people. But once I do, I tend to be really talkative. Just ask Kristen, Jourdan, or Brittany), so I never get to know a lot of people. Somebody (Kyle…*glare*) wrote in my yearbook last year that I may very well end up “old, cold, and lonely” because I don’t open up to people and show my emotions all the time. That scares me. I don’t like being alone, and I certainly do not want to end my life by myself, with no one to care for or to love. I hate that I’m so reserved all the time, and Ricky’s comment really bothered me.
On the other side of things, the best thing anyone has ever told me when my parents told me that they are proud of me. I do a lot of what I do for other people. Oftentimes, I am more motivated by their expectations of me than by what I actually want, and to know that I have succeeded is a pretty good feeling. Honestly, no one ever says things to me that change my life. No one has ever said “I love you” to me other than my parents. I’m only sixteen, and I haven’t had enough turmoil in my life to have anything remarkable stand out to me. I have a long life to live, and I will probably matter a whole lot more to someone later on, but for now, I’m basically content being who I am, even if nothing remarkable has happened yet.
In terms of compliments, the only compliment I have ever received that was not about my intelligence was that I had pretty eyes. Now, when that happened, it kind of shocked me. Prior to this (which was this year) no one had ever said anything good about my appearance. Needless to say, it felt pretty good, but I wouldn’t say that was really life-changing either. I need to live more. So far in my life, I haven’t done nearly enough to make into good writing material. I need to experience life more if I’m ever going to be able to answer this more thoughtfully. For now, there really isn’t anything that stands out.
Part 1
ReplyDeleteThat was told me November 16th 2008, I haven’t forgotten it and I haven’t forgave. I might act like that statement above doesn’t bother me but in reality it has aggravated me since. My best friend Dylan and I have known each other since the 6th grade. Towards the end of the 7th we started to get really close, throughout the next two years we became what I consider brother and sister. I never care about what other people have to say about me (negatively) unless it’s true and I need to face the music. Throughout the past years Dylan and I have began to drift, I still consider him my best friend and we call each other every week and I tell him what is going on because he is the only type of comfort I’ve ever had. I can honestly say that I love Dylan, not in a mooshy gooshy way but in the way that I would die for him and never let go. Dylan doesn’t feel the same way, though at one point he did. During the 8th grade we didn’t go a day without talking, instead of doing homework we would stay up all night and laugh about the wild thorn berry’s, wild gaming parties and the usual – poor children who have no friends in the 2nd grade. (he would understand.) I can’t lie and say that he doesn’t have reasons to hate me or reasons not to talk to me again, because he sure as hell has every single right.
I’m a bad friend to him. He is the only friend in my life who has every right to say that I’m the worst person/friend/confidant that they have ever met. As we all know I’ve had a lot of problems in the past …. But no matter what Dylan has always stuck by me. I guess I have taken more than advantage of the fact that no matter what he is always there. By no means have I not been there for him, I’ve always been there for him but he isn’t the type to talk about his life unless something is really bothering him. I don’t mind and I would never make him say something he doesn’t want to say, but it makes me feel as if he doesn’t want to confide in me. I don’t understand why he even talks to me, I have ruined every relationship he has had with every single girl (for the better) because I have this fear that he is going to stop loving me if he meets someone else. I would go into details but I don’t think I could live this one down. On top of that in the past I had no problem lying to him… about anything. I wanted attention, his attention only. From crazy stories to the occasional somewhat original ones, I have told them all to him. I don’t want to come off as a liar, I’m not anymore I was as a pre-teen but only to Him and the wonderful ex boyfriend. I wish I could say that I have my reasons but truly the only reason I had is that I never wanted his eyes to look away from mine. I wanted to be the girl/person that he always was thinking of. Not some crazy pre-teen party girl name “behemoth” (again Dylan knows)
Part 2
ReplyDeleteNow that I look back and think about everything that I’ve done, I would change the not so good times, I would have taken a step back and let him make some girl friends, and most of all I would stopped thinking about myself and let him have the floor. I have never thought that I was selfish, and to this day I still don’t. I just always have something going on and I’m always emotionally there in the wrong ways. Dylan has helped me find stability throughout these past years. He is the only person that could make me smile at an instant. and stop me from crying in the amount of moments. I love Dylan and I hope he has learned from our relationship. If he did only get one thing I hope it’s that I will always love him, care about him and value his opinion. I’m not sure if he sees that we’re best friends. I hope he considers me one still. I would do anything to go back to 8th grade when I would lay in my room with the song “forever young” by the youth group playing (the original version) talking to Dylan laughing about “Disco the Monkey” and the millions of other things we got a kick out of.
I’m sure Dylan is sick of me, I’m sure the reason for him saying that statement was because he was mad. He has done nothing but be a good friend, I’m not sure how to repay him. The worst things that anyone could ever call me is “bitch” “retarded” or something negative pertaining to my weight looks etc. I hope he knows that he has hurt me. I feel as if I have been stabbed in the throat numerous times. Do I deserve to feel bad? Yes I do. I don’t believe that you should say anything mean or hurtful to a friend unless its benefiting them and delivered in a kind way. I think the delivery of what he said was horrible. How could you tell someone something like that in an aim conversation? If you think I’m ugly why did you use to call me beautiful and 1000 amazing things? I will not lie and say that I’m not a bitch sometimes, because like all people I am. I’m confident that I am an intelligent young lady, I take pride in my smarts and seriously being called retarded makes me want to burn trampolines. I think that this statement reflects me well besides being called a retard. It doesn’t show my character though. A simple sentence with no explanation cannot explain .1 of a point of who I am. I value his opinion but I think that this statement was over the top and unnecessary. Hate me okay, bash who I am … a whole other story.
Simon: "I don't really receive comments, but when I do, I tend to tell myself that most people compliment me out of kindness, not out of a burning desiring to share their thoughts with me. Sometimes I'll receive an honest and meaningful comment, but those are rare."
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. It's hard to tell when someone actually means something. More than anything, I hate insincere words. They just complicate things. But when an actual compliment is received, it feels really good.
Jessie:
ReplyDeleteI don’t even know who Smarty Pants is, but he made me so mad with the comment he made to you about having to “get a life.” I mean, why is it his business anyway? He needs to wait about ten years when you’ve graduated from an awesome college, are working at a great job that you love, and are living fabulously while he is flipping burgers at McDonalds wishing he focused more in high school. Who needs to “get a life” now?! I just think that he is jealous of your dedication and achievements and wants to drag you down to his level so he can justify being lazy. You’re doing the right thing and I’m glad Mr. Smarty Pants’ rude comments didn’t affect you.
P.S. I used to intentionally give my parents a hard time about everything too! Not that it’s something to be proud of, but I’m glad I wasn’t the only disobedient child! ☺
JV:
I think you just invented the word Divasaurus and I absolutely LOVE it! It describes you perfectly! But anyway, you are so much better than the idiot who made that rude comment! If he thinks that way, he should be exiled from the world and forced to live under a rock. I hate when people think they’re the only people in the world with feelings, and say whatever they want, not caring how someone else is going to feel. Bottom line: you’re amazing, don’t ever change. ☺
Alexis:
Sometimes, I think people say hurtful things because they are jealous. Once in a while I feel myself doing that. I think the anonymous Truthbox author is just jealous. If you think about it, you’re smart, kind, and helpful, so the jerk should be jealous! People never think before they speak, so try not to take it to heart. Jerks are everywhere and hard to get along with, but if you ignore them they go away. ☺
Two words. Two words was all it took for me to feel like I was more than just someone sitting in the classroom trying to learn. “You’re beautiful,” a friend told me. It was just a friend who was joking around with me but I didn’t care. Damn it, if I were told anything in the world, I would want it to be that. There’s something to the word beautiful. It not only makes you feel like your looks can light up a room, but it makes you feel like your personality attracts others to converse with you. For the next couple of minutes I knew I was glowing. Though it was an inside joke that my friend told me every day, it still felt amazing every day. Compliments are nice to receive, but being described as beautiful is something that can make you feel like you are on top of the world. Being told that you are beautiful can make you feel like nothing can get in your way. Beauty involves more than just looks. It’s an all-encompassing word that describes looks, personality, and aura. Being called beautiful is what everyone wants.
ReplyDeleteOn the opposite side of the spectrum, I have never felt as crappy as when someone who I thought was my friend told me that I was worthless in my favorite game in the world. For certain reasons, I’m not allowed to talk about this instance, but I have never felt so mad or so let down in my life. It literally drove me over the edge and I did something that I will regret forever. I turned into someone I never wanted to be. Now that I have experienced that side of myself, I can’t go back. I feel myself getting emotional at small things that would have penetrated my tough shell before. Then again, my shell had never been shattered beyond repair before. I feel like I have a shorter fuse now. I feel scared of myself sometimes. What if I can’t maintain my composure like last time? What will the outcome be? I choose not to think of the what-ifs, though, because I believe I can handle myself with dignity.
The fact that I like the comforting words of being called beautiful does not make me vain. Anyone in the world would love to be called beautiful. The reason this is the compliment-above-all, is that it encompasses so many ideal traits. It makes someone think you are pretty, fun to be around, and a strong individual. I fell like this compliment boosted my self-confidence, even if only for a couple of hours. I would much rather someone describe me using simple, meaningful statements, than long, wordy metaphors.
I am a sensitive person, but usually I forget about insults and put them out of my mind fairly quickly. I dwell on things for a short period of time and then all is forgotten. This comment affected me so deeply though that I acted in ways I will never forgive myself for. I though about it later, and what the person said to me wasn’t even that bad. For some reason it just hit a flat note and trust me, I definitely reacted. I think it’s just the fact that the game is the thing I am most passionate about in life. If someone tells me I’m worthless in my element, the outcome is unpredictable.
ReplyDeleteWith all of this being said, I feel like I don’t have a reaction to most things people say to me. Not to be selfish, but if it doesn’t directly affect me, I usually try not to get involved, but some things, positive or negative catch my attention. I react the same way to anything positive, but my reaction to negative comments are unpredictable. I think part of it has to do with my complete lack of clever comebacks.
Gwen:
ReplyDelete"But in all those imperfections, you become perfect in a way that’s all your own."
How true. Although Mr. Martino gets really annoyed sometimes, AP Biology wouldn't be nearly as exciting without you. And although I'm not sure how to take all of the "cute" comments, Deanna was right. Who cares about toes? How boring would life be if everyone was perfect? And honestly, an obnoxious laugh isn't an imperfection. Being distinct, being your own person, is one of the best things you can accomplish in life, and I don't think anyone would have trouble identifying you.
Sarah C -- I envy your ability to get over things and not let unkind words get to you. I wish I could do that, I'm too senstative to most thoughts. If I don't like the person I get over it, but its meaningful when someone close to me says something negative. I'm happy you've kept your head up, if baseball is what you love do it and fuck everyone else.
ReplyDeletesensitive *
ReplyDeletePart Uno
ReplyDeleteThe electricity of the music pulses through you. Everything is cool, blue. You face an enormous open window, where the whole giant of a city, the whole world lays at your feet. The only light comes from the buildings outside the glass exploding and collapsing. Next to you is the person you have been through hell and love with. As you feel the electric blue of everything start to suck you in, he finds your hand. Suddenly it is safe to watch the world fall apart. Your eyes meet like magnets, and he says “You met me at a very strange time in my life.” These words fill you, and are rich enough to sustain you forever. But then . . . You turn the television off. I haven’t been describing my life. I have just been dreaming of the ending to Fight Club . . . Darn.
In a very different situation one night years ago, a boy turned around to look at me in the elusive shadows of my backyard. I kept peeking up to check if my sister was spying on us again. He kept staring. I knew what was coming. I had known what was coming for weeks. I read people a lot better than most ever expect. When I’m close to someone, I can practically read their mind. “I love you.” he stated, but his voice seemed to be saying “I’m lost”. He was trying to tell me how I was different from everyone, and a million other things we’ve all heard in movies. However I couldn’t hear him. I could only feel the intense hollowness and emptiness in his declaration. For him saying those words was as simple and calculated as waking up to an alarm. I could see “Well according to my watch, ‘bout time to fall in love with her . . . Guess I should get on that.” knocking on the door of his consciousness. Apparently, he answered. I know he didn’t lie to me. I know his intentions were golden, but they still pierced me. They still drained me of my overwhelming belief in love. For that, I could not easily forgive him. I can think of a million caustic and cruel remarks that have been spewed at me. They did not bounce off. I felt them, and struggled to nurse myself back afterwards. However I can look into the eyes of those people and see they were trying to hurt me. Even when it was my dad, my mother, my sister, or a friend, I could see that intention. However the boy, who said everything he was supposed to, broke me more, because he stole my hope, without trying to.
Part II
ReplyDelete“You know I love you, baby.” his course voice promised, and an arm protected my shoulder. “I know and I love you too.” I said, without having to censor myself at all. I looked up at the scarred skin, graying beard, and old race track clothing I had become so used to. Over the years, the crazy man, who demanded I get on an even crazier two-year old horse without stirrups or reins while she galloped, had become a second father to me. I was at the barn everyday. I looked forward to hearing his voice soar above all the clutter in my life to guide me. I love the father on my birth certificate, but there has always been something missing in our relationship. I won’t blame it on the extreme differences between us or his anger problems. I’ll just say despite the moments we actually connect, something is missing. The man I was looking up at was not required to look out for me. He is not socially obligated to love me. However I am always sure he does. Now I haven’t seen him for a month or so, but I know I will get a call or a visit, and everything will still be the same. Somewhere along the line he will tell me he loves me. Those simple words will transcend everything and fill my heart. I will find new life in them all over again.
I have x-ray vision at some blessed moments in my life. I see through the wrappers and waste of the world. All that remains for me is the genuineness. I crave this sincerity of life. I actively seek it daily. Naturally I have to start with myself. I need that elusive intensity and richness of feeling. I try to create all of this in myself. Sometimes I am a mad scientist, failing miserably. Other times I am an artist molding myself into a masterpiece, even if it is only masterful in my own eyes.
The man who made up the “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can not hurt me...” thing, obviously did NOT know what he was talking. If this so called “genius” was alive today, I would call for a cumulative effort, on the part of all AP Langers, to hunt him down and display to him the physical and emotional pain that can be connected to a supposed itty bitty statement. If that doesn’t work, we can always try to speak his language and pelt him with sticks. Harsh? Yes. Fair? Hell, yes! This man and his idiotic sentence, has kept me up for many a night. He has decried not only MY problems, but that of an entire population. He has given people a reason to belittle the immense emotional baggage of a well aimed insult. (Oh-well… Just ignore it. Remember “sticks and stone…”). He has given people a reason to justify the cruel actions of other (It’s too bad, little Timmy (with the bad leg), that Jake called you an abomination At least he didn’t hit you, right?). But he was wrong. Words hurt. Sometimes, more than a hit or slap or kick could ever possible hurt. Physical pain is temporary, while words roam in ones mind for eternity.
ReplyDeleteI, personally, would rather get beaten down than be yelled at. I know what you are thinking. “Well, then someone obvious hasn’t been given a good hitting before!” Wrong. My parents are good disciplinarians; I have been beaten by the best of the best. But my beatings don’t keep me up at night. In fact, they do not bother me at all. My cousins and I often recall “our war stories” and instead of being upset, we just laugh. Laugh at how funny the situation was, what we remember, and, most of the time, the stupidity that landed us in the mess in the first place. But I do remember words. Those harsh words which tug at my soul until I feel that my fragile heart just might break.
“You are selfish. You care for nobody but yourself. But the sad part is that you are going to end up alone and without anything to keep you from falling. Uroosa, you will fail” (Roughly translated). Every since I have entered High School, my dad has made variations of these comments on, at least, a weekly basis. I know. He’s my father, and he loves me, and he probably never means it. Yet, it never seems to hurts less. I understand where he’s coming from because I know, for a fact, that he’s father said much worse things to him. Like a good Paki son, my father took this vicious abuse, just as I do now. I pretend that I don’t hear, but that does not make it go away. I pretend that it goes through one ear and out the other, when in reality he’s voice constantly plays in my head over and over again. I pretend its okay, but its not. Every time he says it, it cuts me sharply like a knife. I feel naked. I feel lonely. I feel like the failure, he believes I will be. Perhaps his words mean so much to me because I constantly look for my father’s approval. Over the years we have grown distant. I cherish the few seconds where I feel he’s proud of me. Where I know FOR A FACT that he doesn’t believe all that crap.
Part !!
ReplyDeleteI have surrounded myself with many positive people; therefore, there were many compliments to choose from. The winner is (drum roll), Sarah Lombardo for her compliment, “Uroosa, you just have a beautiful soul”. Sarah, come down and claim your prize! I felt important and loved when Sarah said those words to me. I would rather be remembered by my love of people than anything else. Yes, I said “my love of people” (I know…this is coming from the girl who wants to hunt down someone). Though I may seem very angry at times, I love and respect a lot of people. I try to be nice. I try to be polite. I try to be a good human being. I place a great deal of emphasis on innocence and compassion, so being told I had a beautiful soul was the best compliment anyone could ever have given me. It was just one of those warm-feeling moments.
From my highlight comments, one can automatically assume that being respected is very important to me. I like being liked due to my constant craving for approval. To me human connection and understanding of others is one of the most vital aspects of life itself. I want to be remembered as a good person. Someone who was selfless, kind, and passionate about life. I want to have a function in life and succeed. My worst fear is that my dad is right. What if I am the ultimate fail? What if I am destined for nothing? That is why I constantly look for my destiny. I do not want to be insignificant. I try to be ultra friendly, so as to make certain that I will not be alone. That I WILL have someone to catch me if I fall.
God I hate words, at least I have been lately. And it's that Yin part that we're supposed to be talking about which is exactly why I'm hating words right now. I hate things that are bittersweet, half bad, half good, like the whole Yin and Yang thing; I'd much rather have something that is completely dull, neutral, bland and bearable, than having half of it at one extreme and the other half at the other end. And this is why I hate words, too unpredictable, too open to bad interpretation. I like predictable. Predictable equals simple. And I like simple things, basic necessities, nothing special(though I sorta contradict that on the basis that I'm taking FIVE DAMN AP CLASSES, PLAYING TWO SPORTS, AND LOOSING MORE & MORE SLEEP EVERY DAMN NIGHT! But that's another story). Anyway, Yin:
ReplyDeleteI don't really want to rank which insult/verbal attack toward me was the worst, but I have a general idea—I cannot stand when people misunderstand me or think I did something, especially something negative with consequences, that I had no involvement in. My worst fear is probably to be, say, arrested for a murder I didn't commit or accused of some crime I had nothing to do with. I remember in third grade when there was a bit of an elementary-scale scandal when somebody wrote a note to our teacher, Mrs. Osbourne [sic], that said something like “Fuck you!” or something. Well, pretty much everyone assumed it was me, although I didn't and there was a definite probably that someone else we knew had written that note(I did really hate Mrs. Osbourne, but no more than anyone else in class; she was evil). Anyway in gym class, the teacher asked who the students all thought it was, and instantly everyone in class pointed to me and called “Kyle!” I was horrified. Luckily, our teacher thought for a few seconds and uttered “Nah...I don't think so. Kyle's OK,” essentially saving my life, as I would've killed myself right then and there if I had the chance. Back to the big picture, I've always hated to be asked questions wherein assumptions were already made about me. I've been asked “Are you white?” and “Are you gay?” and “Why are you always so depressed?” (which I think are all perfectly understandable questions) so many times that I've noticed I just feel unnaturally hostile to anything stereotypically white, anyone gay or anything stereotypically gay, and anyone or anything that's seemingly depressing, if for no other reason than to avoid suspicion that I associate with any of these things. It just feels like a habit, like I don't even consciously think about it anymore. Words just screw me over like this without me even noticing until later. I don't care if somebody kills me to rob me, I'd be dead, but for someone to kill me because they think I hurt them somehow would just be unbearable. Also, I just feel like I've been subjected to so many general insults from my family or teachers or whatever so much that they don't even affect me anywhere near than just general misunderstandings.
Yang time:
Uhh...........compliments? Compliments? Holy crap. I'm actually thinking really, REALLY hard about when I've been given compliments, even harder than how much I think in Calculus, which is a lot(I hate you, calculus! Stop making my brain cramp!). Maybe I should pay more attention to compliments than insults. I think I do focus on the negatives a lot more than the positives for the most part. I improve through that, but I'm not really all that happy in the end. I guess my favorite compliment is none at all, just complete speechlessness due to how impressed or awestruck they are with whatever I did. I think I like when people laugh at my jokes more than I like general “good job” compliments just for this reason. I like it a lot more when people just think “Holy crap, Kyle!” than even when they say “Great job!”
Part 1:
ReplyDeleteSometimes words mean nothing, to me. But when I look at it broader, words mean a whole lot. Without words, I can’t think of a better way to let go, or express and vent and what not. How else can people work together without words in this world?
I’m thankful that I have a mouth, where I can communicate with everyone and everything. Sometimes it’s hard combining words to make it they way you want it to be. For me, I have, what seems, a disability to explain. I just can‘t seem to use the right words or arrange them in a way where it is identical to thoughts. Even in my own Gujarati language! I talk like some hobo from the slums (which by the way India is not full of), by joining two words together, not ending the sentence with the right word., and sometimes even making up words. It’s a bit sad, because I want to speak Gujarati perfectly. And it’s embarrassing when you have guests over and ask you questions in a language you can’t even speak right! I speak two languages and yet I’m not a master in either. Anyways, there are people out there that make you want to say ’Dang he/she put it ten times better than what I was going to say’ or ’Hmm I never thought of it that way’. I want that kind of power and I admire (and a tad jealous of) those who do.
Sorry, I went a bit off tangent but I introduced a little bit of myself and so you’re warned if you are to read further on of the most boring writing ever. (Ha Ha). Now for the questions…
One of the worst thing somebody has ever said to me occurred in the 5th grade. I remember sitting in my assigned seat next to a black kid that always annoyed me everyday in school. Then one day I dressed up a bit fancy for picture day. I think I was wearing kaki pants and a designed peachy shirt. And my hair was down for the first time that year. That day, after pictures were taken, I sit there in my seat bout my own business. The kid taps me on my shoulder and I lift my head up from drawing looking straight into his odd face. He then says ’You’re ugly.’ UGLY. Ugly is such an insulting word that I’m sure everybody cries inside or out if they were directly referred with that word. As a fragile sensitive 5th grader who did nothing to this lunatic except be his victim in the scene, I cried quietly, hiding my face behind my hair. I know this story is a little pathetic considering it was so long ago but it’s the only thing I can remember! Well kids can be cruel and this story is evident because it ruined my whole day for me. Words, even from stupid kids, can crush one’s spirit.
“Dad, why is it that you and mom can’t just tell me what I did wrong. Why do you feel it necessary to scream at me over everything?”
ReplyDeleteCool as day, unfeeling as ever, my father sat across from me, reading the paper and eating dinner, and nonchalantly retorted,“ Well, I guess the reason we explode at you all the time is because, deep down inside, a part of your mother and me really just hates you. After all, look what you did to this family. Then again, I guess it’s really my fault. I let you do this. I should have stopped you before you let these silly romantic dreams interfere with real life.”
Do you hear that? Yea, that’s the sound of my world shattering in to a gazillion pieces. Not only was my lifelong (16 years is rather long to me) dream brutally stabbed in the face, but my dad, my own father, declared that innermost secret of his. If he had yelled, I wouldn’t have cared. If he had slammed things and been exasperated, it wouldn’t have bothered me. But he did not. He nonchalantly explained his loathing and moved back onto the subject of humanity’s fruitless efforts to reverse its degeneration. He never missed a beat eating his pasta. He kept reading the paper. His face never changed.
This was the worst because I made the mistake of caring. Because I cared about how he felt about me, I decided to quit riding the next day. This decision is ultimately the reason why I CAN’T ride anymore, which is why I ultimately can’t stand my life. The idea of him hating me (I talked to my mother and she denies having any part of this) sucks, but I suppose it’s legitimate. Needless to say now every day is a charade of fake little smiles and old inside jokes me and pops used to have. This is why our annual camping trip is permanently suspended. This is why he doesn’t look me in the eye anymore and this is why I hate being at home. Our once unique relationship has deteriorated into “hey, how are you’s” and that’s it.
Moving away from my not so wonderful times, my favorite compliment was from my coach. She said “I am one of the best riders that she coaches and my natural talent for working with horses is incredible”. Coming from her, that means more than anything in the world. My coach isn’t one for positive reinforcement. She doesn’t pat you on the back until you’ve truly earned it. She’ll tell you to your face you’re a screw up or you did something wrong. To hear her praise me at such a level in front of her friends and other students, well, I can die happy now.
Riding is…was…my life. Every moment of every day was lived in a way to help me get to the Olympics. Anytime I got a compliment, or an insult, about how I rode I took it to heart and used it to improve. Having my internationally known, professional, and super successful coach PRAISE me?! Holy shit. Beaming joy is an understatement.
As for what all this means; got me! I guess it means I like being successful and when I fail it really bothers me. With my dad, I failed. I failed at being a good daughter and an Olympic rider, so I now face this…this strange empty feeling (total cliché). When Kelly (my coach) commented me, however, I couldn’t have felt stronger.
Jourdan S.-
ReplyDeleteHoly crap, when you said your mom called you a “heartless bitch” in public, I thought, me too! Well actually it was more like “ungrateful waste just like that retarded kid down the street,” but it's the same concept. Oh well, at least your mom tried to reconcile with you. Mine just avoids me for three days and makes me hate myself. Having the best thing also said by my mom would just be unfathomable for me. At least she doesn't hate you most of the time.
Isabella-
Shit, I wish I could giggle when people insult me, too. I punch things, instead. My golden day would be if I could just let insults in my face just slide off me. I would love to just be impervious to direct insults, or anything I said in my Yin part, for that matter. Oh well, at least most people think I don't notice. Hey, I just used a vocab word....
Lucas S.-
First of all, there's no record of whatever you're implying I said, unless you have some magical white-out-grinding-away-machine. Secondly, I would love for no one to come to my funeral. I don't really, consciously, want to matter to people. I dreamt about my funeral a few days ago, it was in two parts: Firstly, there were a lot of pictures of me smiling (I hate pictures of myself, especially when I'm smiling; they're all so fake) and people telling other people how awesome I was; second, my mom was hysterically crying and my grandmother was yelling at my casket like “Look what you did this time, fuck you, I hate you!” or vice versa, with my grandmother crying, and my mom yelling. I'm just not feelin' the whole 'my motivation in life is to do stuff for other people' thing. I'm not selfish like so many people think. I'm just very selective about who and what I care for. Thirdly, I DIDN'T SAY YOU'D BE OLD, COLD, AND LONELY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EMOTIONAL ALL THE TIME; I SAID IT BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS AVOID CASUAL QUESTIONS LIKE YOU'RE AFRAID OF PEOPLE-------wait, no, no I didn't. I didn't say anything. Stop implying I said things.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteOne of the best compliments anybody ever told me was that I was pretty! Two weeks ago was an Indian holiday, and so Indians dress up their nicest to attend a festival at the temple. I would enter, just like the rest of the girls, with my heavy attire and sparkly jewels and gems all over. I saw my friends, noticing their pretty outfits, and so I complimented them. As I was talking to them, these twins came over. They’re both seniors that go to Absegami High School and Votech too, I think. I haven‘t seen them in about years and so I was about to greet them until I noticed their shocked like expressions. I began to wonder but then one of them said ’Woah you look so different! You’re soo pretty!’ They said this to me about 5 times in their amazed voices as if I was a completely new person standing before them. I never believed I was pretty. I still don’t, but I don’t believe I’m ugly either like that dumb boy in the 5th grade said. When I heard this, I felt much more confidant about myself. It makes me, in a word, happy. Words that make compliments make even my worst of days much better.
From looking at these two examples, you can see how much certain words can mean to me. When its compliments, I’ll accept it in no time. Because its first off, rare and at this age I need some sort of a booster. Now for my example of the worst thing anybody ever said to me was hard to find. Definitely, looking at it now, this can no way possibly be the worst thing; at the time it was. I laugh at it now, I’m not hurt by it or anything. Like I said kids can be cruel. I’ve toughened up so when I’m criticized, those words mean NOTHING to me, unless if it comes from friends and family (then that’s a different story). Overall I only let words effect me when I want to. This just comes to show that my optimism beats every evil word thrown at me.
I never know what I want. I am always undecided. I am always confused. I am always careful. I am always a disappointment. I change myself all the time. I get obsessive over things and then turn to another thing. I am a child. I beg for things. I hope they will make me happy. I hope it turns out to be all the things the commercials say it is. I hope it turns out to be what everyone makes it out to be. I hope it will satisfy my needs...make me complete. It doesn't. I move onto another thing. I move onto another person. I move onto another dream if I can't succeed in the other. I move onto another love if I can't keep the other.
ReplyDelete"You don't know what you want. Grow up." What do I want? Do I want to be talked about in a good light? Do I want to be famous? Maybe I just want to make myself happy. Maybe I just want to make myself happy by making you happy. You're always so miserable. You aren't happy with your life. Maybe if you never became a mother you could be free of this. No, you're dreams were broken. I don't even know your dreams. Do you even have dreams? Have you ever? Maybe that's why you don't understand. I constantly strive to make you smile. Sometimes you do, but I don't know if it's real or not. Are you putting on the same mask as you do at family parties and school events? Are you faking it? Are you really proud of me? All I want is for you to be happy. I don't want to be indecisive if it displeases you. When we had that fight that day, it was the first time I screamed at you. Actually, the first time I've ever screamed at anyone. I hated it. It was loud, my throat hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt. Everywhere hurt. I don't want to grow up. I still want to be your little girl. I haven't had enough time to impress you. I need more time to make you happy. Not being able to satisfy you with my grades, I went into the arts. I believed at first that it was my dream. It was something for me...now it is yours too. If I accomplish my dream, will it make you happy? Will you one day smile at me as I live my life like you once lived yours? Will your teeth show and your eyes shine as I walk towards my future with only your approval on my mind? Am I even pursuing this career for my own dreams anymore? Or is it all just a devised plan to make up for all the disappointment from all the years before? I don't know.
I know that the day you said that, my world was turned upside down. I realized I was almost like a puppet. I then knew that you held my strings. I was so afraid of not making your proud, that I let you control me. It's sad. What's more sad is that I will still let you. I will still dance around because my dream is indeed to succeed in what I love, but to also make you happy. If you are happy, I am happy, mother dear.
Jourdan: I can kind of relate to your worst thing said because to be honest my worst thing was also said by my mother. I know the feeling of emptiness after you hear words like that from your mother. It hurts and it hurts even more knowing that you upset them.
ReplyDeleteStephen W.: I absolutely admire your strength with the situation with your father. It's always hard for a child to be put down by their parents, trust me, I understand. The fact that you are able to surpass that and just continue on with your choices is really admirable, so kudos to you!
Hannah S.: Woah, if the Lauren girl did tell the goalie about your mother and the goalie intentionally said that to hurt you is one of the cruelest and cold-hearted things I've ever heard of. I love that you punched that girl because she really deserved it.
"Draw what you think. Embrace your talent. You are talented. I don’t care what you think or what your mom thinks, you have a gift. Show the world. Do what you were born to do. Don't have fear. Just go, and never look back. I will always be right near you, right by your side. Write down what you feel. Get it out and away. Push bad feelings away. Smile all the time. Laugh to yourself about stupid things you've done (or we've done). Imagine. Escape into your own world. Leave this world behind. Picture yourself where you want to be. Stay there for awhile. Get comfortable. Love yourself. You are a special person that the world needs to see. Shine the light on yourself. You can do ANYTHING. Do it. Do everything. Have no fear. No regrets. Keep going. Push through. Don't forget the happy times in your life. There are many more happy times than sad, I guarantee. Open your heart, Kate. Don't be sad. Just escape into your mind, I'll be right there with you." There's not much to say about this. My best friend is my number one fan. She is always pushing me to do what I want to do instead of trying to please others. She's the only one I feel comfortable around, but the one person besides my mother who I seek approval from. It's incredibly different from my mom though. I always show her my new pictures and things because she always encourages and cheers me on. And the beautiful thing is that her encouragement isn't artificial. I know it isn't. She sent that to me in an email in August. It was actually a reply to the email I sent her that was about what my mom said in the first quote. What she said really made me happy and I even cried a little (Katie = big fat baby) Part of it was because I miss her, but because I love her too. What she said influences me now to try to strive at what I love to do. It reminded me of why I love what I do, and why I should keep going at it. What I said about my mother is still there though. As much as I hate to admit it, what was said above for the first quote were my current feelings. They could always change though. I am indecisive after all.
ReplyDeleteJourdan S:
ReplyDeleteThat's insane. Every day, I grow more and more thankful for the family I have. Although we get into fights, they never result in name-calling like that. It saddens me that she was able to do that, and I hope that things have gotten better since then. By no means are you heartless.
Part 3
ReplyDeleteThe nicest thing anyone has ever said to me is – I can’t recall someone every saying something so nice that it actually affected me. I tend to believe most “compliments” are phony. Don’t call me pretty, because I obviously am not and if you think that telling me that I’m not fat makes me feel better I promise you it makes me feel 10 times worse. If I did have to pick something that could be considered nice it would be “ I’ll wait for you even if I have to wait forever”. It sounds really gooshy and cliché’ but it has a lot of meaning. I have a friend who recently went into the army; I’m not going to see him for two year. I don’t ever want to see him again. I wish I could bring myself to go into detail but I’m not emotionally ready for it. (hmm next occasional paper?) It was the end of summer and I knew it would be the last time I ever saw him. We sat and talked for endless hours among many other things. Before he left he told me those kind words, I’m guessing having the ability to give someone the feelings that they can’t be without me makes me feel liberated!
I picked these two moments because they are two of the few moments that have actually affected me. Usually I brush off kind comments but when that boy told me that I think my stomach fell to the floor. I suppose it’s because he makes me feel wanted but other than that it’s always great to feel like you belong. On another note the reason I picked what Dylan said was because he is the only person I have constantly cared about and the only person who has always been there for me. Picking the Dylan comment to me shows my dependency on other people. If I wasn’t so dependent on him I wouldn’t have picked something he said.
PART 1:
ReplyDeleteThe Yin and the Yang of my social life both makes me and breaks me. Those who truly know me definitely know that I am an extremely sensitive person, and thus I take everything that you say to heart. You say “bitch”: I’ll probably cry. You say “sweetheart”: I’ll forever thank you. Words will hit me with a remarkable and forceful impact, for they become imbedded in my thoughts. Even if they may not seem very significant, the words of others determine my confidence, my train of thought, and my overall mood. Again, being a very paranoid and dramatic person, I can frankly say that I frequently take things out of proportion. So, my experiences may seem exaggerated, but it’s how I simply remember it. The pith of the experience is up to the witness to decide. In my case, it’s the little things that make my day, or destroy it.
I can take things out of the proportion, but I thankfully get over things easily. With this, it took me a long period of time to remind myself of the harshest statement known to my ear. Suddenly, I believe I literally cringed. It was the three words almost everyone takes to heart, unless it’s covered in sarcasm: “I hate you.” Now, someone may say this without really meaning it, and it would be no big deal. What if it was your mother, a person whom a daughter loves with all of her heart, said that to you? In my case, it was my mother. I will forever be scarred by that statement from my mother. By simply saying “I hate you”, she implied the words disappointment and failure: two words that all children do not want to hear. It was in the heat of the moment, and my mom later apologized for the statement that she regretted. No matter how false it actually was, I still feel a bit paranoid. I never want to disappoint my mom, for it is my ultimate duty to make her as proud as possible. But when your own mother, the person who provided you life, stated their abhorrence, it really takes a cruel toll on your self-esteem. I was never mad at my mom for stating this. I was only mad at myself. Sure, I’ve gotten over it, but I’ll remind myself now and then.
PART 2:
ReplyDeleteMrs. Payran, the aunt of Kyle Payran(whom I hardly know), sent out a letter to my drama director. It was 7th grade. I guess you could say I was a mediocre actress. It was my second year of acting ever, but my first of realizing my intense passion. I fell deeply in love for the art, and it quickly became my main priority. Always having problems with my self-esteem, I was never confident about my quality of performance. My passion shone through, but my façade could only last so long. About a week after my 7th grade musical, my drama director pulled me aside in the hallways. Confused, I simply assumed I had gotten into serious trouble. She slipped a folded paper into my hand, and said with an evident smirk, “The highlighted part is for you.” I opened the paper. It revealed an e-mail to Mrs. Laubert (my drama director) from one of the cast member’s aunts, stating a review of the performance from the previous week. In the pink highlighter, I read exactly, “I’ve seen many Broadway Shows and have had season tickets to the Walnut Theater and I have to tell you that Chrissy Hartzell, in my estimation, has real STAR quality.” This compliment from this faceless “aunt” is the prime inspiration to my entire drama career. Every single time I read this, my worst day resurfaces from the pile of ashes. I am, once again, the confident, passionate, and dramatic Chrissy. Although this Yang was indirect and not actually written towards me, it is undoubtedly my words of bliss. Only a handful of friends truly realize how much the theatre means to me, and how little confidence I have in myself. Simply stating “star quality” makes the greatest of a difference. Still, to this day, this email is hung up on my wall, folded exactly the way I opened it.
My choices of Yin and Yang absolutely reflect my personality. Screw the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Words hurt me. End of story. Words, in retrospect, enlighten me. End of story. As I have stated multiple times before, my sensitive personality helps explain my yin and yang. I am a passionate, receptive, and overly-dramatic person. I suppose I am also loving, compassionate, and determined. I hate being hated, for I simply hate the thought of being a mean person. I love being loved, for it adds on to my impecunious amount of confidence. I both love and hate me. Words can do this to a person.
Hannah- When I read yours, it made me want to punch that girl in the face, ugh people are soo insensitive. Anyways, I think you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. Anytime I am having difficulties in my own life I look at you and see you laughing, joking, or smiling and i know that life is not as bad as I am making it. Thanks for that, girl!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteKTG! -- I loved reading your post, I hope you know all the things that she said is true. You have the world in your hands , we all do, you just have a better grasped and I hope you get sometime to take it in and just breathe. I'm happy you have a best friend that is a good role model and rubs off in a positive way.
ReplyDeleteKyle:
ReplyDeleteI don't really have anything insightful to say, other than that your response to my response made me laugh, in a good way. Last year was... different. And I cannot imagine wanting a funeral without people. I just think you need to find the right people to care for.
Everything is some way or another connected to a person’s words, no matter if a problem arises or a friendship ensues, words and conversation will always be that initial spark. In my life, I rack my brain to find a certain set of words or conversation that was the worst I ever had. I know exactly what the question is asking; something that is so simple, just a couple words strung together, yet the effect is so great it stays with the person forever.
ReplyDeleteI don’t remember all of my childhood, for some reason it is just a screen filtering of images and noises, but I truly don’t remember any whole memories. I am still unaware why I have attempted to “block out” my early years of life but my memory fails me in numerous times when looking back more than a couple of years. Everyone finds it so easy to remember when they were 6 and 1/5 when they were at the playground wearing a green shirt playing on the slide. So much detail that I cannot even touch upon more than 1 or 2 events from 5 years and back. Though I find it extremely hard to remember, I do remember one memory that seemed to stick with me forever.
My mother snatched my report card from my hand; with her furious eyes she scanned the D’s, C’s and NI’s on the card. I sat there, not exactly caring an ounce of what my grades were or why I got them. She stormed over to me and attempted to look into my eyes; I had also failed numerous classes before and this one was suppose to be different, I promised not to “slack” anymore. It was obvious to my mother that I did not try one bit more than before and I could tell she had finally had enough. It was the words that left her lips next that I remember, it was fifth grade and I was sitting on the couch, wearing that green shirt. “Will you ever amount to anything, if you want to do anything in life- YOU HAVE TO TRY!” That was all she said, and walked away leaving the report card on the seat next to me, being the blatant reminder of the words she had just said. It was not all that bad what she said, yet it struck me in the heart as deep as a bullet. “I will amount to nothing” is the words I thought of. Would I ever become… anything?
Along with the words that stared me in the face of failing life, I also found words of admiration just as memorable. It was about three years ago when I was doing fantastic in school and it was when teachers truly started to notice me. Mr. Allen, my history teacher I revered very highly sat down with me and my mother for a conference. My mother, ready for the repeated experience of “Needs to improve grades” or “Never stops talking” but this time was different. It was the first time words of high regard actually struck me the way they did. “Your son is the easily the most intelligent person in the class, I believe he needs to be moved up into more challenging classes.” To many people these seems like a normal compliment, but upcoming from such a careless thought of school, to becoming “the most intelligent in the class” was the largest accomplishment I thought I had ever achieved. I had traveled such a long way to hear this, and I believe I had proved my mother wrong, I was going to be somebody. From that point I also decided, I was going to be somebody, somebody renowned.
Alix - I want you to know that I care for you so much. I'm glad Christine said what she said because it's true. You shouldn't let one person make you feel that way. Not you. You're too incredible. When the whole thing happened you were in a state that wasn't normal. It wasn't how you usually were. I didn't like it at all. I'm glad you're better now, and I'm glad you realized how amazing you are and how many people love you and how much they love you.
ReplyDeleteJV - hehe JV. :} You smell. hehe. Okay.
My personality is based on these compliments. These building blocks that help me get through life and see part of it’s purpose. They mold me into a strong, motivated, and dedicated happy young man that will be able to succeed with anything. Don‘t get me wrong, I’m not saying though that only the “deep” compliments count. I get a little warmth in my heart when people say stuff like “JV, you look so fierce today.” It just tickles me pink and I know that if everyone gets complimented at least once a day, the world would be a happier place
I strive on compliments. I don't get as many as you (butthole) but they really do give me this boost. I have these tiny thoughts in my mind...like, for example, I'm drawing and I think to myself, "this looks nice!" but when someone comes over and says the same thing out loud I get incredibly happy and am sure of myself. It doesn't matter who it is, just what they say. Compliments feel really nice...especially when they're from the heart.
Gwen - "But in all those imperfections, you become perfect in a way that’s all your own.’ Usually, I just blow off compliments from people because I’ve been hearing the same thing from different people ever since I was little. “Oh, Gwen, you’re so funny!” “Your laugh is so loud, I LOVE it!” “You’re toes are so cute!”After a while, they seemed pretty repetitive, and I learned to say thank you and laugh them away, but they were compliments that never seemed to stay with me. However, Deanna’s comment took all the flaws that people usually tend to laugh at, and turned them into a quality about myself that I’ve never realized before. Her complement made me think differently about myself than I never have before"
The whole good compliment story made me smile so big. It was so nice and made me feel really warm inside...like the Grinch did when his heart grew. hahaha.
Like I said before, and you said in your response, compliments are great, but they get repetitive if they aren't really deep and thought out. What Deana said to you was so beautiful and nice. It was also 100% true. You both are amazing people, and there's no one like you. You aren't just another teeny bopper clone, you are unique and that, to me, is beautiful. Deana was spot on when she said that. :]
Kyle S:
ReplyDeleteYou first paragraph amused me. And I somewhat agree. Why can’t things be simple? Then I read on and I felt so bad! I don’t know how I would’ve handled being blamed for anything I haven’t done. Well, at least you were saved, that’s the important part. This blog explains a lot about you I didn’t know. You’re very straightforward with what you write and I like it!
Simon
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I tend to think that the first memories that come to mind are the most influential on your life, but it’s one of those things that is almost impossible to be sure of. As for the teacher thing, I have a hard time respecting anyone who can’t admit that they are human and therefore make mistakes and don’t know everything. I’ve get the comment that I can’t take criticism a lot, and it always kinda makes me mad. I tend to assume that compliment are just gifts from people, too, not something that you actually deserve or earned. However sometimes you can just tell that someone is being completely honest with you.
Maryum-yum-yum
I think that the people closest to us have the greatest ability to hurt us, and sometimes they aren’t even aware how badly they have scarred us. I’m sorry. That’s all I know to say, because you didn’t deserve such cruelty and you never will. I’ve been through similar situations with my dad, and it seems like once he get on his warpath he is not coming off it easily. This could destroy a lot of people, but I know you are strong. You are amazing, and I really can’t wait to see where you go in life, whether it’s the moon or being an incredible mother. I believe you are on the right track, because balance is the key to almost everything.
To Shirely: I do not think parents get that what they think means a lot to us. When my dad compliments, it is as if I am floating on a cloud. It’s so important to get their approval and acceptance. Here’s to wishful thinking. I also wanted to comment on your point about looking for happiness. I think that is so commendable. Life is about finding your destiny and your own version of happiness. That is the best that we can do. Happiness always tries to hide. It is up to us to find it and drag it out by it tail!!!
ReplyDeleteTo Sarah L: I have always been kind of jealous of the relationship you share with Al. You guys just have such a rapport. I know that it must be amazing for you to be appreciated and loved by someone you respect and look up to so much. The fact that he’s your guru, and respects you shows a lot about your determination and positive qualities. I also wanted to say, like always, your writing is so beautiful and distinct. You have a writing technique all your own, and I think that is so cool, especially for someone our age. You are a poet, Sarah.
To Sarah C: I know exactly what you mean! As girls, we are often told that our beauty is our most important facet. Though we try to distance ourselves from such a baloney, it still has a way of playing in our heads to a certain extent. When someone compliments the way I look, I can't help but feel great about myself. I feel feminine. I feel beautiful and loved. Its just so good for your self esteem. I know its wrong for us to feel better about ourselves because of other’s opinion. But no girl can deny that when someone says she is beautiful, she is smiley for the rest of the day.
JV: People can be so ignorant. I give you major props for kickin their asses with your positive attitude though. and I too adore compliments. so here's one for you:
ReplyDeleteJv you're a super fly one of a kind guy. =]
Pooja: hahahaha word challenged hahaha. <3 well, I think you're gorgeous. I LOVE your special indian outfitty things. THey look so great! And honestly, that kid in 5th grade can go trip over a stick. Everyone can have an opinion, but who said his was the right one? gosh. mad ignorant people!!
ReplyDeleteJourdan S
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that your mom said those hurtful words to you. I can't even begin to fathom what I would feel like if my mom said those words to me. Your experience shows strength I never even knew was there, strength that I admire very much.
I'm relieved to see that your greatest compliment also comes with your mom, because it shows that she cares about you. I envy your relationship with your mom, because it is one that I can never have. I don't talk to my mom about my problems like you did in the van.
I also liked the "soccer-mom-mobile;" it was very funny.
Kyra A
I liked, "It made me feel good. Weak adjective, I know, but I felt good. About myself, about who I was, about my friends and the people that I knew that were real as well." I liked how you explained "feeling good" and your justification of writing the word good. I agree, that any other would have lack the appropriate effects.
I also agree with, "People would normally comment on looks or clothes while he would always comment on character. Those are the best kinds of compliments." Comments on character carry so much more weight than comments on assets. They are the most thoughtful and genuine comments out there. I also liked the way you ended your blog because it conveys a very hopeful and good feeling.
Maryum R
"Thank you" because those two words possess such an immense amount power when they are said truly from the heart." I couldn't agree with you any more. The words "thank you" sum up so many feelings that they are often the only words needed to express yourself.
You never specify who said that hurtful comment to you, but if you did that on purpose so that the reader can assume that your speaking about your mother, then you have certainly accomplished your goal. If you were not speaking about your mother, I am sorry.
Nonetheless, I am sorry to hear those words spoken to you. I am just going to write, "I'm sorry" because these two words, like thank you, sum up all of my feelings and are more powerful than any other phrase.
KTG:
ReplyDeleteWow I like that beginning quote. I kept reading on and I completely agree. But sometimes its hard to stick to those words because I used to always try to please people, (that‘s when I was really really little, like kindergarden). And it kind of sucked because, when I was really little that’s how I would make friends. Also because of my quietness but constantly I was surrounded my people that like me for what I do for them. Ha ha, but anyways keep doing what you do best! You’re very talented.
Alex V:
ReplyDelete"Pooja: hahahaha word challenged hahaha. <3 well, I think you're gorgeous. I LOVE your special indian outfitty things. THey look so great! And honestly, that kid in 5th grade can go trip over a stick. Everyone can have an opinion, but who said his was the right one? gosh. mad ignorant people!!"
I cannot explain why this made me laugh so much. And speaking of sticks, I still haven't forgotten about a certain story about Port kids and sticks...
Tears fled from my eyes, as words of rage, escaped from my quivering mouth. She shout me a look of sheer disgust that indicated she was surrendering this battle. As, my tears continued to splash against my rosy red cheeks, I headed to the stairs, feeling it was my only outlet to this unbearable pain. I lunged towards the stairs, striking with furry, trying desperately, to erase the words exchanged during the battle. Unfortunately, “the battle” was far from ceased, she automatically ran to the stairs, knowing I would be there, distressed and alone. Then, unexpectedly, like a meteor striking an innocent planet, she trenchantly hollered “ I can’t believe you still continue to do this to yourself,” I waited excepting more, not excepting the words to burn, “ You’re so selfish,” hearing these words my knees became numb debilitating me to move from the vacant stairs and fuming words that burned the core of my heart. Being called “Selfish,” to many is not the end of the world, I mean I have been called words way derogatory then “Selfish.” The reason why I become immobile and speechless whenever called that one single word simply because I feel I represent the complete opposite of that horrific word.
ReplyDeleteMy mom, is my rock, she has weathered the stormy waters of my life with me, never letting me submerge into the abyss of the rampant waters. My mom is one of the most considerate, sincerest, friendliest, and loving people I know. She has provided a life filled love, opportunity, support and guidance but the only problem is, she doesn’t know what kind of person I truly am. From the ages, nine to about fourteen, I had found myself in a never-ending battle of torture and mistakes. My mother having a keen insight of identifying problems, and wanting to fix them right away, decided to intervene, but the outcome was nothing she intended. Every day she first would try a positive approach in complimenting me , pleading with me to stop this “unbearable phase.”When this didn’t work and I kept acting the same, the battles of words began. Every battle presented the word “Selfish” driving me to hate myself more.
Every time I heard this word I was utterly confused because everyone at school would tell me how friendly, personable, and selfless I am. I began to sink deeper in pain, trying to keep everyone of my feelings to myself, so my mom wouldn’t feel that I was being selfish. I would only talk about my day if they asked and I always remembered to ask about their days. I didn’t notice, but I began to stop caring what I looked, my eyes began to sink in, but I still suppressed my sheer pain and anguish inside, to avoid the label of “selfish” I could hear embedded in the back of my mind. All my efforts, were rewarded with failure, she still continued to believe that I was “Selfish,” and cared about nobody but myself and my problems. I was utterly lost and confused, hating myself, and constantly wanting to be a better daughter, sister, friend anything but “Selfish.” I remember looking in the mirror one night, disgusted with the reflection. Staring, back at me was a girl, with sunken gray eyes, washed out hair, bags protruding from my eyes and a ghostly pale face. Looking at this reflection tears exploded from my eyes, thinking of how my perfect mother could call this girl selfish.
I have a very annoying personality. I am always peppy, perky, smiling, friendly, considerate of others, and the list goes on. I have always been, behind my back, been made fun of about it. This makes it hard to fit into “high school,” because under my impression everyone I guess is apparently suppose to be “rude.” Anyways, I love running but I am not the best at it, lets just say I will never be Nijgia Snapp. This summer my old coach had a ton of prior commitments and could not attend summer practices, I happily subbed in for her, taking on the duties of coaching. Every day, she would thank me and tell me how much of a strong leader I was , how much I held the team together, encouraged people and she told me how much people looked up to me. I respected her and loved her, as a sister, but they were just words and besides I didn’t get any feedback from my teammates.
ReplyDeleteThen randomly there was this one day, where we had long workout and we were running together back to the famous “cross country bench.”Erica, my teammate, pulled me aside and said “ Brynne, Without you we wouldn’t have a team, you hold us together.” I was utterly speechless, I was shocked but elated because someone actually took into consideration all the sacrifices I make as a runner and for my team. From that day forward I was deemed the nickname from my best friend Chrissy “Coach Brynne,” which anytime they called me that put a smile on my face. Not because of the power you get from coaching because for once in my life I felt like I belonged to somewhere. Most of all I felt like I could truly be myself.
To Hannah: WAY to go, Girl !!!! You should of thrown in some punches as well.
ReplyDeleteI am not the best to control word. I can compose great sentence in my mind but when I have to share them or write them down, they lose their flair. Not being able to communicate my feelings through words I kept them to my self. You can ask any coach or teacher and they will tell you I’m a many of few word. I don’t waste time when I speak. The words just never word for me when they are in my mind. But I think not saying anything at all can be more powerful than any words. There is some things silence emphases better.
ReplyDeleteThe worst that anyone has made me feel was not with words but without. I got a bad grade in a class and my mom found out. She sat me down in the low light of my dining room, and just stared at me, well more like through. I want to just shrivel up in the corner. I just felt as if I let her down. I usually can just brush off anything hurtful and move on. However, the silence cut me deep. I was begging her in my mind to say anything at all. It would be better than the silence. The atmosphere felt so heavy. It was torture to see her disappointment on her face. She needed not to make it clear upset she was with me. I get shivers just thinking of her staring at me.
My best compliment is hard for me. I hear them but then I just think I can do better. If I beat a record of mine I just know I can do better; so compliments don’t mean much to me. My peers tell me all the time how good I am. I’m too modest to except them gracefully. I have racked my brain for the one most life impacting compliment but everyone I think of is not good enough for me. I prefer criticism to an actual compliment. I know a person is telling the truth when I can do something better. I always have room to improve in anything; I’m far from perfect.
After much thought I came up with the quote from my mother as well, “You did so great, we’re so proud of you.” My mom always inspires me to do my best and when I did more than what she expected I was so thrilled. My face lit up and a huge smile grew on my face. I could help but to spring up and give her a big hug and a kiss on the check. It was the best compliment I ever received to know my parents were truly proud of me.
The compliments that I chose reveal that my mom has a huge impact on my life. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be the kid I was today. If she is upset with me I feel horrible. If she is happy and proud of me I feel empowered.
Kyle:
ReplyDeleteYou said you couldn't think of a compliment you have received. Well here goes:
Last year when I worked on the Gov project with you an Lucas, I wasn't too sure about you. I just didn't know you. After ranting on and on about tomatoes and receiving full credit even though we went about ten minutes over the time limit, I can honestly say that I enjoyed working with you. You are incredibly intelligent and when the time is right, you allow others the privilege of witnessing this by offering some piece of insight or bringing up some completely esoteric fact. This may not be the best compliment you've ever received, but Kyle, you're one cool kid.
KTG: Parents suck. They always want some super realist idea about life but we're young and we dont care if it isn't realistic. As for your drawing, I've never really seen any but I've heard you've got skills that kill, so go for it. Its so great that you have a friend to support you like that and I realy hope it all works out for you!!!!
ReplyDeleteChrissy-
ReplyDeleteI knew you we're going to post the Kyle Payran thing about his grandmother. I know that boosted your confidence, so much and I am so elated. You are an amazing actress, and someday like his grandmother said, your name will be in lights!
Purring of the throat lead to the mouth opening, which ultimately formed inspiration. My face burned red at the flattery, and my heart moved lyrically like a dance. Admiration may of led to such a minimal statement having such a maximum impact, but the truth behind the statement is what made its duration so long.
ReplyDeleteBack in the day, one of my English teachers made a homework assignments for our parents. This was to write a paragraph about your child, and so my mom whole heartedly wrote one. When she handed me the folded piece of paper, with the familiar scratch of writing, she warned me not to read it. For some reason... I listened. Weeks had passed before the teacher had handed the unusual assignment back, which was when I was bold enough to read it. In plain terms, my mother had written exactly what was in my heart. She explained my personality to a T, and my dreams in life accurately. In amazement, my big teeth formed an even bigger smile. My mother is my hero, and the fact that she could say so much about me meant that she really paid attention to who I was. For that, I feel overwhelmingly proud. That was the best compliment I had ever received.
Being insulted, can cause a mood of anger, resentment, or even depression. However, the mood of anger struck when I heard this boy said that I was just a pretty face. He meant it in the context that I was stupid, and just superficially pleasant. As rude as that was, I was more insulted by the fact that he knew I wasn’t dumb, he had been in my honors classes and had seen all my A’s. Jealousy seemed to provoke his words, but that is no excuse. Beauty is a wonderful thing, but if your beauty is just physical than it means nothing in the end. I’m not only smart, but I am intellectual, and multifaceted. Being called “stupid” or any other word that a person uses to try and compromise my intelligence not only makes that person look like an ass, but allows me a kind of revenge. Because smart girls don’t just get mad, they get even.
The reason why these memories were glued to my long term, I actually don’t know. It seems that what happens, happens to help a person grow. I grew from each of these comments and in doing so the idea of who I think I am becomes more clear.
Maryam:
ReplyDeleteYour such a good person! You just need to stop doubting yourself and everything will be just fine! That’s all I have to say to you, Maryam
Shelly- I obviously have to comment on yours because, well, you wrote a large part about me. We have had some good memories together and that quote you know was just my frustration and the lack of my knowledge of the new AIM allowing messages to go through to people not on. It is odd you use me for your “negative words” yet you talk mostly positive about me. I understand that me saying those words are more hurtful than others, I am sorry for saying those words, well because, I didn’t mean to say them in the first place (as we discussed before).
ReplyDeleteAroosa- “sticks and stones may break my bones but words cannot hurt me...” thing, obviously did NOT know what he was talking. This quote struck me as funny, though the quote is very literal words cause so much more pain then sticks and stones could ever do. Words are so powerful is so many different ways making them actually more harmful than a stick (which isn’t that harmful to begin with) because of its ability to hurt in so many different ways.
Kyra- “Actions speak louder than words, right? Not always.” This is a good way to sum up how words are related to actions in almost every way. It doesn’t matter what actions you do because they will always be retaliation to words. So basically you can’t escape speaking louder than words because words are the catalyst of sounds and the loudest of those catalysts too. I like how I am taking a quote and running off on a tangent, but it struck me as a very odd way of thinking of this blog.
Bella, I think I'm going to have to add what you said as one of the best things ever said to me.
ReplyDeleteI believe you are just as, if not even more beautiful. Comparing me to a diamond just made me so happy. Thank you so much. <3
Deanna!: When it comes to these blogs and responses, I just only speak the truth! :D
ReplyDeleteAnd you're welcome. :) :)
Whenever you're in one of your darker moods, just think of all of your friends and family that will always be here to care for you and love you. We would be devestated if you ever committed or ever attempted suicide. Seriously, missy! The world couldn't afford to lose such an amazing chicka as yourself.