I am feeling a bit cynical this evening, pumpkins, and for that, I apologize; I think that my internal struggle with cynicism may have influenced this week's intellectual proposition. I shall let you be the judge, however, as to whether or not this was a good or a bad thing.
As many of you know, and if you didn't you do now, I am not that into people. There are a select few I would ever willingly share time with, and more often than not, it shows. Now, before I go any further, I feel it pertinent to actually define what I mean when I say "people." (sidebar: the fact that we are about to start the Definition Mode unit is simply serendipity!) So, here it goes, for lack of a more...academic definition: PEOPLE: Individuals who are not kids or animals, mostly over the age of 25 and under the age of 80.
And there you have it--the definition of people in the world of Cassie Bunje.
This rather pessimistic and certainly asocial view of the human race is not something with which I was born, however, I feel that it began cultivating itself at a rather young age. My childhood was not one to be looked back upon wistfully, and it didn't really get much better as I grew into young adulthood. This was due, almost entirely, to my interactions with and observations of, you guessed it--people. In fact, until I became a teacher, I held out very little hope that I would ever be able to gaze upon the face of another human being without a hint of scorn, mistrust or distaste. True story. Truth be told, and this is not me being dramatic at all--you could probably accurately say that teaching saved my soul. More on that later.
So, in my reading today, I happened upon an interesting quote. I would like you to read and reflect on this quote and tell me what you come up with in terms of whether or not you agree with what it says, and what it even means. As always, qualify your answer with an anecdote of personal experience to help illustrate the point you are making.
Here it is:
"Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait."
Have fun, poppets...
(450 words/50pts)
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I'm excited for this blog! :)
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ReplyDeleteRobert, I hope you're not finished. This doesn't even begin to cover what I asked.
ReplyDeleteI think this means that people are only nice because they have to be or else they'd have tough lives with lots of drama and hatred. Everyone deep down talks crap about their coworkers, friends, or people they've just met and I think it's human nature to point out other people's flaws. We choose to be nice to their faces (most of the time) since it's the smart thing to do and it's part of everyone's strategy to become a better person.
ReplyDeleteI looked up character trait on dictionary.com and it said it's a distinctive but not necessarily invariable feature exhibited by all individuals of a group and capable of being described or measured. Niceness can't fall into this category for two reasons. One, it's not exhibited by all individuals of a group. There are plenty of people who aren't the least bit nice. And two, it can't be measured. Nobody can really measure how nice someone is because they don't know what goes on inside that person's head when they're really thinking. Someone could come off as the nicest person in the school, but we really can measure the amount of niceness that person has because they aren't inside the mind of that person.
I know from experience that people aren't as nice as they seem to be. Up until this year, I looked up to this one girl from soccer. She was smart, kind, helpful, skillful, and overall a nice person. She didn't seem like the type of girl who would really get into a lot of trouble at home or at school. This year, however, I saw a whole different side of her. I'm not going to call her out or anything because she's one of my good friends, but I've gotten to know a whole different side of this girl lately. She's not the girl I knew from soccer who helped me out when I needed help. She has started to become sort of a jerk and she has said that she's sick of having a nice-girl reputation but she doesn't want to completely kill it. I asked her why and she said because she doesn't want to be fake anymore and have this type of reputation. She wants to be real, but still show some niceness because she doesn't want to be hated.
So even though we think someone's nice, it's really only a decision we make to make our lives some what easier. It really isn't a character trait.
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ReplyDeletePart 1
ReplyDeleteWARNING: CONFUSION…Readers discretion advised
Murders are not born evil. Their “issues” (to put it very lightly), do not arise from genetic mishaps but rather as a direct result of dire environmental and physiological effects on the human mind. Such as the case of murders, nice people aren’t born nice. I know that comparison proved to be overly dramatic; however it is the only analogy I could provide that best expresses what I want to say.
Let me clarify; I’m not implying that nice people are wicked like murders. I’ m just simply trying to point out that being nice is not encoded into our body as some people believe. Character traits, in my mind, are things like creativity, directness, or compassion. These character traits are as natural to us as breathing. For instance, one of my character traits is loyalty. I am almost incapable of being not being loyal to my friends or anyone, for that matter. The thought of being unloyal, not only sickens me but, oddly, sends me through fits of not only emotional, but physical pain as well. It is just unnatural in my mind.
“Niceness” however, is a different matter. No one is really nice because they are really nice. Let me clarify that ambiguous statement. Yes, people are nice, but never for the reasons you think they are nice. Most of the time, they are being nice to overcompensate for some self esteem issues they may have. Others are nice to just get what they want. You know what they say; you catch more bees with honey. Please don’t lie and say that’s not you. Almost everyone does it once in a while. I know for a fact, when I want that guy in Target to help; I put on my overtime overnice face. The face of gratitude that says “You’re my hero!”
Part 2
ReplyDeleteMaybe it’s just that am very bitchy, but niceness does not come as easy to me as other things do. Don’t get me wrong. I am never disrespect or mean, but neither am I always “nice”. I am no Mother Theresa. It’s downright painful to be nice at times. Like for instance in an encounter I had with a Gym teacher once (this gym teacher will remain nameless, even though most of you could guess who it is), in which she completely TORN ME DOWN. No teacher has ever handed my butt to me, better than she had. Yet I stood there. Like a bumbling idiot, I took her insults and even apologized (for something that was not my fault), and as I was leaving I said “Thank You.” YES, THANK YOU! I actually thanked her for embarrassing me in front of a significant amount of people and making me feel like the piece of gum you disgustedly find (from time to time) on the bottom of your sneakers. It was really hard for me to be “nice” in that situation. I did not react the way I did out of the niceness of my heart. I was nice because I realized that not being nice would only get me more hatred, embarrassment, and a worse grade. In the end, it was a strategy. It gained me a little respect from her. Nice is all about logic.
I would rather someone be sincere with me then nice. Nice is usually only a device to get people what they want, but sincerity is pure. The hard part is distinguishing between the two. If you’re still with me, reader, I would like to apologize for being so confusing. I tried.
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ReplyDeleteI agree with the quote to an extent. Yes, niceness is a decision, but the case of it being a social trait is only true for some. Just like any action, or at least any that I have come across, the assignment of a single motive for all people is impossible. Niceness is a decision accompanied by varying motives, which include manipulation, strategy, pure sincerity, expiation, timidity, pity, and a long list of other motivations I cannot even come close to completing.
ReplyDeleteWhen Johnnie goes out of his way to compliment Janie on her shirt, Johnnie could be thinking ANYTHING. Perhaps he is looking for a date to the roller disco Friday evening: manipulation. Or he doesn’t want to deal with Janie’s stank attitude: strategy. He may genuinely like the shirt: pure sincerity. Or maybe he spent all of grade school teasing Janie and now feels the need to repent: expiation. There’s the possibility that Janie is a big bully who steals his milk money every day: timidity. Of course, Janie’s shirt could be unspeakably and revoltingly ugly, so Johnnie wants Janie to feel a little better: pity.
Taken alone, unaccompanied with anything other than my first impression, “Niceness is a decision” is a comforting, somewhat flattering thought. “Wow, someone chose to be nice to me?” If niceness really is a conscious decision I take that as a positive idea, confirming that people are generally and genuinely good. Call me naïve, but I am typically an optimist in relation to the state of mankind. I find that if I believe in and expect good things from people, people usually live up to this in some way.
This is not to say that I live completely oblivious to the presence of enmity among people. In believing in and expecting good things, I am hurt more than most at the apathy, coldness, and even nefariousness of some.
But I believe that if someone threw my soul on the ground, curb-stomped its face in, and ran it over and over and over again with a big red Mack truck, I’d look up at that person with an ounce of hope that they maybe, just maybe, would apologize and help lift its shattered pieces off of the tire-tread ground. I’m not going to lie. I live a good life. Sure, money is tight sometimes, but that’s because my family spends it on necessities and soccer. But I have a mom and a dad who love me, my siblings, and each other. I haven’t experienced the effects of a traumatic death. I haven’t been affected by a loved one being involved in drugs or alcohol or crime. I’ve never been abused. My parents work hard to support me and my endeavors (because they know what it’s like not to have that). Spending my life with caring, involved, and basically nice people has shaped the views that I hold thus far. I believe that most of the people that I am involved with choose to be nice out of genuine sincerity.
I cannot, however, ignore the not-so-nice side of niceness.
A woman who I have grown up around is one of the fakest people I know. If she were to write a résumé detailing all of her good deeds, she’d seem like an amazing person, but I argue otherwise. She’s a fake, a quack, a charlatan, if you will. I whole-heartedly believe that she only helps people because she wants to look good. Her actions since have only helped to validate this.
Another person I know truly irks me because of the show he puts on for people. He pretends to be nice, but then sometimes his words don’t quite match up with his actions. He lets things slide after adamantly stating how strongly he is against it. He acts like he is a best friend but says downright mean things to other people when that person is out of earshot. He is one of those people who acts nice as a social strategy most of the time.
ReplyDeleteThis brings me to another point. This topic has me jumping around, I know. Good intentions are often clouded by underlying motivations. I am nice out of sincerity and other times to avoid conflict, but oftentimes, these motivations are slightly tainted by manipulation or a desire to get a head somehow by being nice. For instance, the only reason I am nice to the second person I described is because I know that staying on his good side will be rewarding in the suture no matter how much I want to walk up to him and say, “You’re such an ass,” which would be completely out-of-character for me due to my civil reasons for being nice.
I know my post lost all remnants of structure towards its end, but basically, I believe that niceness comes with different motives, and is not always a simple social strategy.
I know I wake up every morning and decide to have a good day and I decide to be nice and it is my choice on what I want to do and how to act. Nice is defiantly a lifestyle choice. I mean think about it, if everyone didn’t choose to be nice, then the world would be a holocaust! Nice may not always be easy, I mean we’re human we say mean things and we do mean things, but nice is always better. I recently said the meanest thing and I almost someone very important to me, so now I’m nice (extra nice) to show how sorry I am. But I said what I said out of anger, so in that moment nice was not an option. So I made the decision to be mean and I never want to be mean again.
ReplyDeleteI’m not saying I am the nicest person ever, but I defiantly try to be. I hate seeing people sad or angry, so I know if I’m nice to them I can hopefully cheer them up. I may sit on the soccer bench and say mean things, but not to be mean, but more along the lines of funny. I may talk behind girls back and judge them, but lately I have just been keeping my comments to myself, because I learned they always get me in trouble. It is impossible to be nice 24/7 but it is worth a try. I would rather be fake to someone’s face than deal with saying mean or beat and deal with the drama. I don’t consider it fake at all, I think it is smart. If I said half the things I say in my head out loud, I probably wouldn’t have any friends. I just choose and make the decision to be nice to everyone, people weird, people annoying, catty, brats, and people who are mean to me. I choose to grin and bear it because I hate drama.
I know people who find reasons to hate people and people who just say how they feel to whoever it is. Those people I find rude and I think they have an attitude problem. They say they don’t want to be fake. But when you’re rude and have an attitude problem with everyone, you will probably loose friends and people will start to think you’re a bitch. Yes, you may be nice sometimes, but people notice your attitude more. So being nice isn’t fake, it’s a decision to avoid unnecessary problems.
It is hard to hold your tongue and be nice, but it makes life a thousand times easier. I like being nice. I feel good when I’m nice, and I cry when I say things I don’t mean because in that moment I lash out in frustration. When I’m nice is when I mean what I say, when I’m mean is when I say things I don’t mean.
Jourdan: i liked your beginning how you started off with different ways nice can be understood. i also agree with "I believe that niceness comes with different motives, and is not always a simple social strategy." It goods you pointed that out.
ReplyDeleteHannah: First off i hope you weren't talking about me! "We choose to be nice to their faces (most of the time) since it's the smart thing to do and it's part of everyone's strategy to become a better person." I agree with that statement. We want to be liked so we play nice and then wait till later to talk crap. It is just what we do.
Rob: it was short but i agree with everything you said and how being nice makes life easier. Being nice can makes someones day and you feel better about doing it.
For the first time, I read this blog…and was absolutely speechless. Each time before, I immediately began typing away and knew exactly what to write. I guess I’m just worried what I think is wrong, but here goes.
ReplyDeleteI kinda sorta agree with this quote. I believe there are some genuinely nice people out there who can legitimately be defined as nice. These are people who out of the kindness of their hearts, for no personal gain, will do something insanely nice. HELLO Jesus. These people are rare, like wow that’s blood, this steak is still living rare. Most others do, however, follow kindness as a social strategy. Who wants to be known as a bitch? How could anyone possibly get things they wanted if they were not nice?
Everyone has a terrible mind. It’s that simple. When you see someone you do not love, you tear them to shreds in your mind and then smile and wave hey. When you are talking to your parents about something idiotic like a 10 o’clock bedtime, you nod your head and move along, but in your mind you are cursing them out with everything you got. (At least that’s what I do) Does this make me a mean and awful person? No, I don’t think so. It makes me human, someone in control of her emotions, and not grounded. It is like going behind people’s backs without telling anyone but yourself. That’s how we people work. So yeah, I guess being nice is a strategy, if I said half of the things I thought out loud, I would have a mob of angry people trying to kill me.
I choose to be nice to people. I also choose not to be nice to people. We choose from a case-to-case basis on how we will act. Examples: When talking to people I don’t exactly know, I’ll be super nice because first impressions matter. When I’m forced to direct something, I have to be serious and loud or else I will not get anyone’s attention or respect. When talking to someone who I can’t stand, to avoid conflict, I’m nice. When I’m trying to get something, I’m overly nice. This is strategy. It is a logical prediction of how a situation will turn out and your attempt to create the perfect ending.
Seriously, if you kind of think about it, people learn to be nice. Babies are rude and selfish and are little attention hogs. (They sure are cute though.) Once they turn about four they realize if they want that cookie before dinner, they better be all smiles to mommy. Strategy. Devious little children learn to get what they want by being nice and it just stays with us for the rest of our lives.
But even with all this, I still believe being nice is a character trait. People slip up, but if they try to be nice to most people, then I think this makes them nice. May there be some subconscious plotting in that niceness? Maybe…but hey, at least they’re being nice. Makes my day easier.
The quote should read, “Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is NOT NECESSARILY a character trait.” Completely shunning off niceness as a ‘strategy’ I believe doesn’t give humanity justice for having within it some people that are essentially and innately nice by nature. Like Pooja. While I do agree that people are nice circumstantially, especially to strangers, just to avoid conflict, that doesn’t mean someone can’t just feel it’s the right thing to do. But all of this ignores the greater truth that actions and character are inextricably intertwined. Bunje even has the poster in her room with the overall message: watch your thoughts, watch your words, what your actions, because these all eventually become your character. Choosing o be nice shows you value harmony of contention, that you’d rather make friends than enemies, and you feel it right to be polite when you can. Repeating these actions makes it become your character. I don’t want to say I’m annoyed by this blog topic, but I’m a little discouraged by it. I usually look forward to writing our weekly blog, but the pessimism makes this more laborious than creative. Yeah, I guess I can say I’m not really into this, but let’s begin.
ReplyDeleteWhen I meet someone new, I’m automatically deferential. This, I believe is where niceness is a social strategy. In order to avoid ruining any benefits you can receive from knowing the person, you instantly become nice. Why create unnecessary tension? However, when it comes to people I know, that outlook changes. When it comes to people I dislike, people who are pessimistic/constantly depressed, or people who tend to offensively hurt others, I just avoid them altogether. It does me no good to be dragged down by their negative energy. So they never even factor in the ‘niceness equation’ -- negative people almost always never factor into anything important in my life. If you rub me the wrong way, you simply cease to exist. So, only focusing on the good people I keep close, I choose to be nice because I feel it is the right thing to do. When someone I care about is sad, I feel like they deserve to be happy and try to cheer them up. This isn’t rocket science. I think its embedded in most of us as human character and nature. But the degree of difficulty people will go through to make each other happy varies, which accurately reflects the varying degrees of niceness present in different people’s personalities.
I don’t feel as if I’ve been clear, but I’m not really sure if there’s a clear answer to this question. Niceness isn’t a cut and dry strategy or facet. The two are interconnected. I don’t want to say this blog was a bad idea Bunje, because it is a valid statement to quality. However, with all the stress I receive from school, and all the disappointments I receive from home, and all the abandonment I get from friends, I really didn’t want this cynical attitude to be prevalent in any extra aspect of my life than necessary. Whether she’s nice or he’s nice or she’s faking niceness or he hates humanity or she is innately nice--- all bologna. Just be happy. It really is as easy as it sounds. :]
Taylor: I agree with you almost completely. I haven’t found where I disagreed with you yet, haha, but to avoid the sweeping statement of saying I agree with you completely, I’ll say it again, I agree with you almost completely. Everything’s a choice. Just because someone chooses to be nice doesn’t mean that it suddenly isn’t “nice.” I like how you explained it with the kids. However, even though kids learn to be nice, they also learn to be mean, too. I don’t believe kids are born either way, innocent or malicious. I think they’re just….babies. Haha, know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteJourdan: I agree, I agree, I agree. It doesn’t feel right to me to box up kindness as a strategy, for that has all the negative connotations of evil scheming and manipulation. All of the underlying motives you mentioned plus the many more we both know exist out there was a nice touch in your blog. For example, I’m nice to you. I don’t gain anything from being nice to you, and I’m not trying to get anything out of you. I’m simply nice to you because you’re nice to me, and I think that deserves some kindness back. I think that’s a decision that rises more out of character than from an external source. But either way, I really liked your blog!
Hannah: I see where you are coming from, but I have to respectfully disagree.
“So even though we think someone's nice, it's really only a decision we make to make our lives some what easier. It really isn't a character trait.”
People are not forced to make the decision to be nice. Some people choose to be nice, others choose not to be. Don’t you think that the differences in decision are somewhat affected by someone’s personality and character? A person who chooses to always be mean, to always hurt others is exhibiting his villainy character, while a person, like Poona :D, who never seems to be anything but nice is showing her kind and forgiving character. I’m not saying you’re wrong, because we could all be wrong, but the reason why I don’t fully agree with you is because if niceness wasn’t in some way part of our personalities, then we wouldn’t define people as “jerks,” “sweethearts,” etc.
This whole post is giving me brain farts!
ReplyDeleteI’m drawing a blank because I don’t want to contradict myself. I’ve always considered myself nice…. I can’t remember a time where I have actually fulfilled the social expectations of being nice, but then again the social aspect of this concept doesn’t and shouldn’t matter. We should just be ourselves and listen to our heart.
ReplyDeleteBeing nice is a decision; you’re not born to be nice. You’re born to figure out your own views and act upon feeling. No one is always going to treat others nicely, if someone is treating me like shit I’m not going to walk up in all smiles acting “nice”. A person who does nice things isn’t necessarily a nice person, it just means they may have good initiative. I don’t think being nice has ever brought me justice , it’s always been persuasion. I like to believe I’m a good person but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m “nice”. After having gone through this inner turmoil many times, and often erring on the side of being nice, of doing the right thing, I can say that it has never led me astray. Yes, it has, from time to time, gotten me into some slightly complicated situations; but I have never done a good thing for someone and regretted doing it. If you think about it, the very concept of being fearful of performing niceties is silly. Put yourself in the other person's shoes; who wouldn't want something nice done for them? Ok, maybe Dr. Cox on Scrubs, but even he cracks from time to time. The bottom line is, everyone has a huge desire to feel important and having something nice done for them is a very easy way to help that feeling be satiated.
Although being nice personally hasn’t brought me any justice I’m sure it does for many people. It’s hard to make friends being mean, but then again for a person like me who doesn’t have friends I believe that being nice hasn’t proven anything. Being kind and polite may appear to be a trait but overall it’s just a façade. I don’t want to be known for being “nice”, I want to be known for being a crazy wild child , for being understanding, intelligent etc. Being “nice” will never cut it. “I like ideas about the breaking away or overthrowing of established order. I am interested in anything about revolt, disorder, chaos, especially activity that seems to have no meaning. It seems to me to be the road towards freedom - external freedom is a way to bring about internal freedom. -- Jim Morrison” That has to be the perfect example of what I’d like to be known for, not this cultural phenomenon called being “nice”.
When I say Justice I mean that being nice hasn't ever given me fulfillment , I just don't regret being nice because it makes others feel good.
ReplyDeleteDeanna - I agree , being nice is absolutely a personal decision. I think most people are nice for social reasons and not because it's actually what they're feeling. Niceness is one of the greatest if not the greatest strategies out there. Who wants someone to be mean to, or who wants to make enemies because they're mean? I agree with almost everything you said. I enjoy reading your posts dee dee. I love your last sentence , we should all smile , it would make everything tens times better.
ReplyDeleteShelly - Okay, first of all, did you seriously use a Scrubs reference? And did you seriously use Doctor Cox as the example? LOVE.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, you made me realize how everyone really has to be nice when meeting someone to earn friends a good relationships. Unless you're trying to be friends with Wednesday from the Adams family, you're not going to put a spider in their hair and crack insults when making your first impression. I also don't want to be remembered as "nice." Just because I'm courteous and have control of my inner emotions, does not mean i'm an angel!
Jouran - I have a friend like that also, it bothers me so much. He is just an expert at using the strategy called "being nice".
ReplyDelete"Good intentions are often clouded by underlying motivations"
HANDS DOWN , I agree. I feel as if for the most part everybody goes in to a situation with good intentions but for all the wrong reasons.
"Nice is defiantly a lifestyle choice. I mean think about it, if everyone didn’t choose to be nice, then the world would be a holocaust! "
ReplyDeletehahahah Oh Meg Sherman.... :}
No, Mrs. Bunje, I wasn't done, I was thinking of an anecdote, but since you thought I wasn't done I'll try to be clearer...
ReplyDeleteI translate the quote as saying that we should make a conscious decision to be nice to make interacting with other people easier, since niceness isn't really a trait inherent in human nature. Selfishness, on the other hand, is, which may be why it is so difficult for some people to be nice: they are so self-absorbed that they fail to see how they can profit from making dealing with other people easier by being nice. And I agree with this statement: it really does make dealing with other people, who tend to be irrational and difficult to understand, much easier.
For example, I often have problems with distraught women knocking at my door, literally and figuratively, seeking some guidance to get them through a rough time. Now, I just don't have the feeling that they should deal with their own problems on their own, so I feel inclined to help--but the way I would deal with their problem might not be so helpful if I don't make the person manageable first. When you are kind, the target of your kindness becomes calm, and manageable. If you tell a person that they need to be strong and stand up for themselves and put down the damn drugs in a rough way, they don't react well. You have a problem on your hands. If you treat the person kindly and give them an emotional solution before a realistic one, the person is far more likely to act according to your advice.
Niceness is purely strategic, whether your know it or not. Often it is ingrained into your mind that you must be kind, for some greater good perhaps. Well that greater good is 'order'. Odds are you [the reader] have been playing nice for a very long time, and even more likely is it that it's paid off more often than not by making people manageable. Appealing to emotion is far more effective in dealing with irrational people than acting in a cold and purely logical manner.
Hannah s.: "I looked up character trait on dictionary.com and it said it's a distinctive but not necessarily invariable feature exhibited by all individuals of a group and capable of being described or measured."
ReplyDeleteThat's a very interesting insight... I hadn't thought to look up the 'professional' definition of a character trait. You're right, niceness cannot be measured the way something like a political standpoint can be (percentage of a population). It's such an abstract and immeasurable value because of its many facets, such as reality (in your mind) and proposed reality (the way you act).
Rooza Z.: "I am no Mother Theresa. It’s downright painful to be nice at times."
ReplyDeleteI think that Mother Teresa must have had times when she was pessimistic about and doubtful of the good in being nice too, like we all are; she just had the power to overcome and do what is best for all people, and herself, and just be nice. You know that you are on the right track when you begin to doubt yourself and double back (case and point: Thomas the Apostle), and all of us must sometimes doubt that it is worthwhile to be kind.
Katie G.: "Unless you're trying to be friends with Wednesday from the Adams family, you're not going to put a spider in their hair and crack insults when making your first impression."
ReplyDeleteMaybe I had better stop doing that then... no really, first impressions are really important, and why that is got me to think about it a bit more (since I normally don't think about it, every time seems like a first impression for me). Your first impression sets a precedent for how you are going to treat someone in the future, right? So you sometimes make a conscious decision not to be genuinely nice to someone, but only fake nice, to keep you on their neutral/good side.
Part 1
ReplyDeletePeople. By Bunje’s definition, I feel that I enjoy people. I can handle them. I don’t enjoy teenagers but I do enjoy people. You might say, what the hell are you talking about? You’re a teen yourself. How can you hate what you already are? It’s simple. I just do.
I don’t hate all teenagers. By doing so, would mean me committing suicide because of trying to live day to day life in a high school full of them. It’s hard to explain what I really mean. I guess what I mean to say is that some people need to grow the fuck up. Seriously. I think this is why people and teenagers, are very troublesome. Many do not have moral depth or substance to compose themselves in a proper decorum for the right place and the right time. Am I making sense? Okay, well if I’m not go ahead and fight me on the blog.
Continuing with what Bunje wants us to reflect upon, I disagree with the quote. Some can choose to be nice to a certain extent but I genuinely think that some people are nice, meaning pleasant or enjoyable. They’re not born being nice, it’s something that we grow upon. It’s something that our parents, or guardians, cultivate us. Character is not something that’s just there. We gain it from our interactions with the people around us and our environment.
If I lived in a beat down one bedroom inner city apartment with twelve brothers and sisters and the only person working in my family was my mother and my father was a severe alcoholic, what do you think would be my character? (polysyndeton!) Do you think that I won’t have my guard up and be defensive because my family life is horrible? Now of course, I’m not going to be the most pleasant person in the world. I’m not going to try and kiss people’s asses because I have my own to look out for trying to survive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that having a life like that would suck up all the nice out of you. I’m just saying that it’s harder in your environment to have that burden on your shoulders.
Part Two
ReplyDeleteThink about it, many of us in the AP programs are decent human beings raised a certain way in order to make us the people that we are now. Sometimes, I feel as if the other kids in other classes just don’t give a shit about their education and it pisses me off to see how they think life is so easy.
I remember that I had breakfast with Mongo and mentioned how come we can’t force kids to strive better in education. He told me that we can’t determine what each person’s home life is like so we can’t do anything about it.
Education is free, as far as the teenagers are concerned. So I don’t understand why you don’t want to advance yourselves in life? Is it the way you’re raised? I just don’t get it. Why would you want to continue on with life being a fuck up? Being a low life with nothing gotten out of education. Coming from the Philippines and seeing people begging for an education, I see that Americans are spoiled. Seriously. We’re getting offered all these things and not many people are taking it. It sickens me seeing that stupidity and ignorance that plenty of these people in our school have not wanting to learn. I don’t give a shit about what you’re home life is because you know what? I have a pretty fucked up home life too. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in, but I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted mentally with all the shit I deal with at home. So I don’t give a using that as an excuse.
So being nice, social strategy? Of course. Everything in life is like a game. It’s all a game full of great tactics and figuring out how to get ahead. We’ll never know who will win or lose but as long as you’re ahead in life, then you’re winning, for that moment. Being nice gets you ahead in life. Where would you be if you were a frigid bitch? Would you get a job? Would you ever get a boyfriend or girlfriend? Where would you be? Come on, we all have to put on a show of niceness. We all have to put on a smile to show that we are not defeated, so that we get ahead. I don’t want to call it kissing ass, but to a point it somehow is in life. You have to hustle. That’s how you get ahead. That’s how you make it. You push and you hustle and you go with the flow.
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ReplyDeleteEveryone has the ability to be nice, but what classifies them as nice or not, is whether or not they take advantage of that ability.
ReplyDeleteI do indeed believe that niceness is a character trait for some people. There are a few people that if I'm asked about what they are like, the character trait of niceness is one that can't be left out. If it can be left out, it isn't a character trait. Then it's a decision. There is no such thing as a person who has never said or thought about anyone else in a negative way. It is part of what makes us human, yet it doesn't make us a bad person. There are those few people though that I believe possess the character trait of niceness. It's those people who genuinely do things for people out of the kindness of their hearts whether of not society agrees. There are those people who will help the biggest loser of the school, even if it means that they lose social status. If a student wants to be high up on the social hierarchy pyramid, but makes a decision that goes against the height of the pyramid, it isn't a strategy of social interaction. It is quite the opposite. It may result in the absence of social interaction.
For the remainder of people in society, I agree with the quote. Most people are nice to obtain something they want. Whether a man is nice to a girl so she will like him, or whether a teenager asks nicely to borrow the car so he can drive, both people have made the decision to be nice, solely for the purpose of getting what they want. Being nice to those people, is a strategic decision to obtain a certain result.
Sorry for my ambiguous answer, but basically I agree with the quote, aside from the few people who I believe are genuinely good people and do possess niceness as a character trait.
I agree 110% with that quote.
ReplyDeleteI believe that niceness is a decision. People can choice to be nice or to be rude, even those people with social skills problems. The use of niceness is a strategy when dealing with people. You can use your charm to persuade someone, your looks to gain attention, and your niceness to gain people’s trust. Each and everyday is a game, I think. You have to impress someone, create trust in another, and even depend on someone else. Each move you make, each person you encounter, all come together as your turn in the game. Do you make the right choices and move up a square or do you depend on the wrong people and move back two squares?
I do not believe it is within anyone to just be purely nice. First off, nice is the worst word used to describe a person. It is the word you use when you just don’t care, like what you said “Oh, that’s nice,” to your little sibling who continues to pester you with their macaroni art that resembles nothing but noodles glued to paper. It is the word you use when you do not know a person well enough to actually describe them with a useful word, useful word meaning a word that actually gives a description of a person like “helpful” or “outgoing.” Anyway, people contain both good and evil in them to begin with. I have never heard of a person who does everything perfect all the time. No one is perfect. I think if more people could understand that, they would be a little more understanding when others make mistakes or even when they, themselves, make mistakes.
How do I know all of this? The quote Ms. Bunje found basically describes my way of living. I am nice when I need to be nice and that is all there is to it. For example, I am on the chess team. There is loads of annoying freshman who throw pieces around the room, wrestle over tables, and talk very loudly during important matches. I can loath these freshman as much as I want, especially when their distractions are causing me to miss things in my game, but I have to be nice to them because they are the future of our team. Plus, I want them to be quite. You cannot fight fire with fire, so I choose to be nice to them as sweetly ask them to quiet down… the first time I have to ask. It is all a strategy because I want something and I am trying to gain their trust so they listen and give me what it is that I want. However, I am not a nice person, far from it. I am judgmental, bitter, loud, and sarcastic as hell. If I do not like you and it is not in my benefit to be nice to you, I will not be nice. It is just the way that I am.
In the end, everyone has the choice to be nice over rude like everyone has the choice to do the right thing over the wrong thing. However, good and bad exist in every person, so niceness and rudeness must be held in each person as well.
Kristen: "Everyone has the ability to be nice, but what classifies them as nice or not, is whether or not they take advantage of that ability."
ReplyDeleteI really like how you worded that. I wish I would have thought it myself. It is an ability that a person can choose to use or not to use. I think the way you said it here makes it clear for everyone to understand what you are trying to say. Swell Job!
JV: "I feel that I enjoy people. I can handle them. I don’t enjoy teenagers but I do enjoy people...."
I love that you come off as a strong person. From what I know about you, you are a strong, confident, and outgoing person. This comes out in your writing. It is clear that you are sure of yourself and what you think when you write. I enjoy reading your blogs because of this.
Robert: I like how you feel inclinded to help those needy women. It shows that you are good within you. However, reading my blog it says that everyone has good and bad in them. I just like the examples you use because they are easy to understand and really help with understandind where you are coming from. Plus, I like your style of writing
Taylor: I agree with everything you said. Your response is what I was trying to get at, but I couldn't think of examples that fit was I was trying to say. I also couldn't think of what to say when I read this blog question, which is probably why mine is so ambiguous. But anyway, I feel like you said what I tried to say.
ReplyDeleteMegan: How can you decide if your day is going to be good? You can choose to be nice, and you can choose how you want to interact with people, but fate can ruin a day. I think that regardless of any decision a person makes, they can't decide the outcome of the entire day.
Hannah: Your response was very insightful. Now that I think about my response, I look at the fact that I said there are genuinely nice people. Though I still want to believe that, I am now suddenly taken aback. I can't read minds, and so I can't tell what's going on inside of those peoples' heads. Maybe they are just really good at portraying a false image of being nice...wow! That's a lot to think about...
Unlike Bunje, I tend to not like small children…at all! Any person from the age 2 to about 11, I don’t like at all. They are far too needy. I just thought I’d throw that in there. Anywhoo, I think kindness is not something people are born with. As an infant, we are born with no inkling of human behavior. We copy everything that goes on around us. As humans age, they begin to pick and choose which behaviors seem to work best to their advantage. With this being said, I think about 50 percent of the time, kindness is used to manipulate the people around the person being kind. There is no question in my mind that kindness is learned as well as the intentions behind being kind.
ReplyDeleteMy mom always tells me, “Kill ‘em with kindness.” Whenever I have a problem with someone or when they have a problem with me, her solution is to be overly kind to the point where you’re annoying to get the person to stop. I hate this principle because I can never seem to follow it. I try and try to be kind to someone, but if they’re continually rude to me, I will have something to say, and trust me, I’ll say it. Being kind to someone when they’re rude doesn’t teach them anything. It doesn’t eve get them off my back. Bottom line: WORST PLAN EVER!
I feel like kindness is a façade people put on to cover up other emotions. With kindness, you can cover up anger, depression, or annoyance. When someone is feeling anything but good, they try and cover it up by being kind and polite to others. Being sad or angry is something that our society looks down upon, and this forces people to be kind when they don’t mean it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when people are kind to me, I fell like they’re trying to get something from me. If they’re nice to me, they must need something. I can’t lie. I think part of this derives from the fact that I do this to people on occasion, as does everyone. It’s a learned behavior that in order to get what you want, you have to be kind to others (unless you’re name happens to be Hitler, in which case, you’re a crazy freak who tortures others to get what you want). I feel like sometimes I can’t trust kindness.
With all of that being said, I find myself people-watching sometimes to learn peoples’ behaviors the other 50 percent of the time. Sometimes I just watch to see who says, “Bless you,” when someone sneezes. I watch to see who picks up someone’s books when they fall to the ground. It interests me to see who performs random acts of kindness throughout the day. When I see someone do these things, I judge their moral character instantly. It makes me happy when I see someone with fine moral character help out another person because they want to. Nothing is forcing them to help, but they do it anyway.
Through my cynical eyes, niceness is never innate and true selflessness is nonexistent. Humans are not born nice, rather, through trial and error, we learn to behave in ways that are most beneficial to us. Children are, naturally, full of demands. “Give me that candy bar, NOW!” “Take me to the carnival, SOON!” If parents were to consent automatically to these requests, children would be conditioned into thinking that they have the world wrapped around their fingertips and must only ask to receive… no kindness needed. However, parents do not simply acquiesce; they make demands of their own. To the candy-bar fiend: “Eat your peas and carrots first.” To the carnival lover: “Clean your room and then we’ll go.” Most significantly, to both, “Say please.” Youngsters quickly learn that, while rudeness earns a scolding, a sincere “please” or “thank you” gets mommy’s stamp of approval every time. Manners and consideration for others soon move to the forefront of children’s toolkits of life skills. Later in life, the idea of niceness as a “social strategy”, a method for improving a person’s status in relation to their peers, is just as apparent. The same techniques are utilized, only with more sophistication. For example, though my brother rarely expresses sibling-affection outright and is, in fact, often intentionally rude towards me, there are periods when his behavior shifts. For instance, when we watch TV together and his favorite show comes on, he suddenly ceases prodding my back with his foot and, occasionally, goes so far as to offer me a handful of popcorn. He’s no dummy; he knows that, if he is sweet enough, I won’t bother changing the channel. He fits the quote, using niceness as a social strategy to get what he wants.
ReplyDeleteHowever, niceness is not always a “decision”—some sort of conscious choice to be kind in hopes of arriving at a desired outcome. While some simply employ niceness as a tool when it benefits them, others actually adopt it as a character trait. Most of us can think of at least one person we know who seems genuinely nice. For me, Grandmom immediately comes to mind. Grandmom has eight grandchildren, their families, herself, Grandfather, distant relatives, and, last but not least, an ever-growing gang of feral cats to look out for. She’s always there for anyone who needs her help—be it in the form of a hug, a batch of cookies, or a word of kindness—and through it all always has a smile on her face. She’s obviously “nice”, yet her actions always stem from a concern for her loved ones’ well being versus a desire to improve her social status. Grandmom has adopted niceness as a part of her; it shines through in handwritten greeting cards, lovingly prepared family dinners, and constant support of the grandchildren’s latest dreams. However (here comes the cynicism), despite Grandmom’s lack of scheming, socially-advancing intentions, I struggle to describe her or any person as “selfless”. Her displays of “niceness”, though manifested quite differently than those of my brother, are nevertheless meant to benefit her. None of Grandmom’s sacrifices are made solely for the obvious beneficiary. Rather, Grandmom’s own mood is brightened, her spirits lifted, whenever she can improve someone else’s condition. She derives immense pleasure from being nice and her actions, like those of other “inherently nice” people, are driven almost as strongly by a desire to make herself happy as to benefit someone else. So although some people like my grandmother may appear just-plain nice, it is important to remember that they personally benefit from their actions.
Hannah:
ReplyDelete“I think this means that people are only nice because they have to be or else they'd have tough lives with lots of drama and hatred.”
It’s interesting to think of niceness as a defense tactic as you do here; I didn’t even consider that until I read your blog. However, I also think that it’s important to consider niceness’s potential as an offense. People are not only nice to avoid issues; many use kindness as a tool to manipulate others. Example: A kid, Billy, loves video games and his classmate Joe, a GameStop employee, can give two friends a 10% off coupon every month. If Billy wants to save some money on his gaming obsession, he will probably try being super nice to Joe in hopes of scoring a coupon. In this situation, Billy would be using niceness offensively, a tactic that many real-life humans apply.
I agree, to an extent. The way I see the quote is that there is always some sort of selfishness within kindness, and self-interest is undeniable, which is true. I believe that whole-heartedly. Even if people don't mean to, a lot of good deeds are done in order to reach that satisfaction of personal gain or just to be able to say, "I did a nice thing. I'm a good person." But, I disagree that niceness is a strategy. I believe it's a skill to be developed.
ReplyDeleteWhen raising a kid, it's a hit or miss that it will have lessons built into it, such as lessons of sharing, kindness, politeness. Hence parents running around trying to install these lessons into their kids' minds. I'm not denying that there are some, I should say a lot, of people out there that only do nice things literally for personal gain. They seek out people they can be nice to who they will benefit from, situations that they can be nice in so they can shine and think carefully about every move to come off that way. To an extent, we're all like that. But I still believe that there are people who for the majority, aren't as extreme. I believe that sometimes some kids are raised right, raised and brought to do nice things for other people. Sure there will be the small lingering thought that, "Yay I did something nice! Good job! Praise me on my good job!" but it's not as prevalent and not the predominant goal. Many character traits are skills that are to be developed, but can very well be strategies and could very well be a choice. I met this one girl, she told me that she loves everyone and will help anyone as long as they ask. Now, the second part, I understood. If someone came up to me and asked me for help, I would help them as long as I had no real reason not to. And if I wasn't able to help them, I'd try to find someone that could and do what I could. And I'm telling the truth. If someone came up to me and said, "Please help me, I can't seem to find my child" (And yes, I would double check to make sure that they were legit and not some kind of strange kidnapper!) I would help them not because I'm searching to be a hero, but because there's a child out there that could be in danger and I could help put a stop to it. Of course the hero thought would probably occur to me sometime during the search or after, but like I said, that part's inevitable. There will always be that selfishness within kindness. Niceness can very well and is in a lot of cases, a strategy but it could very well be a skill. I choose to have a little faith in people, even if it is a bit naive.
Jessie -
ReplyDelete"None of Grandmom’s sacrifices are made solely for the obvious beneficiary. Rather, Grandmom’s own mood is brightened, her spirits lifted, whenever she can improve someone else’s condition."
Now this completely slipped my mind when I was writing, so I was glad I read this in your response. I agree with you, that sometimes if people are searching for a gain, maybe the gain isn't completely selfish. Maybe some people actually really feel good when they make others feel good. Not because they gained the glory, but because they helped improve a life. And that shouldn't be seen as selfish at all. I agree with you that niceness can be treated as a character trait. It isn't often treated that way, and it's an effort, but it's possible. Anything's possible.
Sarah Chamberlain -
"I feel like sometimes I can’t trust kindness."
I completely agree with you. It is often that people when they are kind, come off as fake or seeking some kind of gain. I never trust compliments, never trust really anyone that tries to be nice to me, simply because I don't know whether their motives are pure or not. And it bothers me when people are happy and nice all the time. I mean, how is that possible? How could someone just be nice and pleasant completely all the time? I certainly struggle. I try, honestly. I try to be nice all the time, but I can't say I succeed. Sometimes the kindness fails unintentionally, but other times, I really can't stand it. But I hate it when people use being nice all the time to mask something or just do it even though they really don't want to. If you don't want to help me, or are trying to gain something out of helping me, then don't help me. That's the way I see it. Being nice shouldn't be an act, to me that's sick. If you feel like right now, you don't want to be so nice, don't hide it. I don't see what's good in hiding your emotion.
Stephanie W. -
"It is all a strategy because I want something and I am trying to gain their trust so they listen and give me what it is that I want."
This sits rather uncomfortably with me. I completely understand and respect you're only nice when you need to be - that's good. I'd rather you be real and act according to your feelings as opposed to what you think you should be. But, this particular part bothers me. I'm not attacking you as a person, but it just bothers me in general. I'd like to think that not all niceness has to be this way, for pure, raw personal gain. So, for your close friends and family, you only do nice things for them in order to keep them liking you? Not just to help out close friends and family? I highly doubt that.
Part one
ReplyDeleteThis whole subject twisted my views around and gave me thousands of stinky brain farts. Gross. Why would you do this to me, Bunje?! Is it because I linger during 11th period?
Well, I started to think of situations where I considered myself, "nice." I am human after all. We’re talking about people, and that's what I am. Are people nice? Does nice exist?
I remember when I was twelve; my family took a trip to the community pool in Hammonton. My brother was a wild child then (still pretty much is) and always fought with my mother and never listened. She told him countless times to stay in the baby pool, but of course, he disobeyed. That little bugger opened the locked gate to the "big kid pool" and jumped right in. The idiot immediately began to sink to the bottom of my pool. My mother tried to run towards the other pool (she just had operations done on her knee) and God knows where my father was at the time (Probably in the bathroom) So, I was right near the pool searching all around for the friggin lifeguard. (Where the hell was he? That's Hammonton for you. Why would they hire a sixteen year old lifeguard. What the hell.) I did a pencil dive and lifted my chubby sibling, and saving him from foundering to the bottom of the pool. Why did I save him?
He was my brother; my own flesh and blood. I love him more than anything in the world. He is a part of me. I don't think these kinds of feelings I had when saving him can be described as being nice. Nice shouldn't even have a definition; to me, it is not even a real word.
If I really had to describe nice, it would be a choice you make for your own benefit. Even if when trying to benefit yourself, you are not being greedy, it's still something for you. Either when trying to make yourself look good, or just trying to gain knowledge on something, it's for you. You can go to church every Sunday and take hours out of your personal time to help the needy, but are you really doing it to be nice? Or is it because you’re doing it to make yourself feel good? Even if your unaware of your true attentions, they are benefiting you.
I sure as hell wasn't trying to impress any of the Hammontonians (God, I hate them) at the pool by saving my brother!
How did saving him benefit me? Was it a nice act?
If I didn't save my brother, when I was in the position to save him, guilt would overwhelm me. When hesitating to jump in the pool, I realized that if I didn't try to save him, I would never forgive myself. Is that a benefit?
Part 2
ReplyDeleteI don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m like Roosa, I’m really confused and I’m trying not to contradict myself.
"Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait."
When playing the Sims, you can pick up to five traits. I always include nice in my characters. When I do this, the character gives lots of compliments, and when some other sim wants to argue or fight the sim declines and tries to make peace.
This quote is right.
SIMS IS WRONNNGGG.
The sim’s actions would be considered “nice” by most opinion, but it shouldn’t qualify as a character trait.
“He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town”
Santa is WRONNGG. Nice isn’t a trait, Santa! (Don’t give me coal please.)
Alexis
ReplyDeleteI definitely think that we all have some selfishness attached to our niceness. We discussed in class today about how there is no real altruism, so basically how could pure genuine niceness exist right? But yeah, I definitely think as well that niceness can be a skill that can be used in social situations.
Sarah Chamberlain,
ReplyDeleteNiceness is definitely used as a weapon to weasel yourself into getting other things, but why not let your guard down a little? You know how they said that chivalry is dead? I don't think kindness or niceness will ever die unless we turn into all hitlers. Trust in people sister girl, there are still good ones out there.
KTG,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you're tone and style leaps out of your entry because the entire time I could hear you saying these words.
Second, I agree that with niceness, it's for our own benefits. I keep thinking of working in fashion and how being nice and kissing some ass is how you'd really get anywhere. I think though that what you did for your brother wasn't only "nice." It seems like it needs a bigger word to describe it other than just "nice."
Kristen: One thing you always seem to possess is hope. I admire that, however i can't help but disagree with the true few you described. There is always a motivation, even if that motivation is as subconscious as getting into heaven. I like how you said everyone is capable of being nice, because everyone really does. Then you went on and furthered your point very realistically.
ReplyDeleteAlexis: The way you wrapped parents and how people are raised definitely gave your point a lift. I agree with how you said that there is always an air of selfishness in all "nice" or "kind" deeds. And, I feel like a lot of people would help someone out if asked.. i never really thought about that, but i really think a lot of people would help given they've been asked.
Katie: hahahaha! you're confusion, is in some weird way assuring. Its like you know what you mean, theres just no words to explain it. Anyway, if you didn't save your brother you would of felt bad. But does that take away you feeling good about yourself after saving him? And was that even being nice? I feel like that was more of an innate duty to help those close to you.
Hannah: I agree with how people seem so nice for a certain period of time and then they suddenly change. Today in class when we had our discussion and Bunje asked who is nice with no “sometimes” included, and I realized that I really can’t be nice forever. I decide to be nice, but only to certain people for a certain amount of time and then it vanishes. I guess beautiful things don’t last forever.
ReplyDeleteDeanna: I love your first paragraph, especially using Pooja as an example. In our class discussion you said pretty much the same thing and I really believe and agree with it. Some people are just nice, they don’t have any mean in them. You are such a nice person and I think you’re level with Pooka making niceness a trait rather than a decision.
JV: I think I’ll take you up on the offer to fight you. Maybe I stopped really reading when I got to the part where you disagreed with the quote but agreed with it in your rebuttle or you contradicted yourself. You say you disagree with the quote, yet people are not born being nice. Doesn’t that mean it’s a decision? We grow upon it, by our interactions that we choose.. <3
Steph:
ReplyDelete“You can use your charm to persuade someone, your looks to gain attention, and your niceness to gain people’s trust. Each and everyday is a game…”
I really like the way you put this. Niceness often does come off as superficial, a tool meant to make the user appear trustworthy. However, I don’t believe that niceness-as-a-tool is always meant to improve the user’s image. Sometimes, people are nice to please themselves. For instance, I often help my brother with his homework. Some would take this as me simply being nice, others would say I do this to gain his favor. However, neither is the case. Helping him makes me feel good about myself, because I take pride in my ability to improve his understanding of a new concept.
He could be nice or get drunk. Be nice or he could beat her. To be nice or to hit him. To be nice or to easily ruin four lives with two punches. Niceness is a decision. It is how one decides to act with others and it is not which traits were passed down. Everyone has what it takes to be nice, for traits to make people nice but niceness is not a trait itself, but it is the choice of that person and that person only to really interact nicely. My dad wasn’t beat, wasn’t deprived of anything as a child and knew how to be nice. He made all the wrong decisions. I guess he tried out the nice role for a while and completely disagreed with all it had to offer, maybe it wasn’t good enough for his life. Getting back on track, he knew how to be nice but chose every opposite action to pursue. He was an alcoholic, an abuser and a fuck up. Although I wished to leave him in that room, I see that he’s the best example for this quote. I wish I could bring him in for a day and let everyone see how he chose to interact which would explain my reasoning so much better. I wish nicness was a character trait because then you would have it or you didn’t – you were nice or you weren’t. There would be no games, no wondering if they meant that comment or their action, no comtemplating whether that glare was their thinking face or they now hate you. It’s a decision, niceness, because it is. Consciously or not, you decide whether you will be nice to that person across the room or not. Will you pick up their pencil or let them fall over the side of the desk while they reach and reach for it because you have something better to do? Sure that’s overdramatizing the situation but niceness falls into situations as simple as that one whether people think all that into it at the time. Niceness seems to be a decision that is easily overruled by selfishness and oblivion. Whether people admit it or not, niceness is not something you are born with. You learn how to constantly decide to be nice or you learn how to be not so nice and feel no guilt. I know I have. Pooja, Deanna and Lauren are three prime examples of the epitome of niceness. Sure devilish thoughts fly into their mind, but that’s just basic human nature. The fact that they don’t listen to those voices that urge them to be mean is what highlights their niceness. Like I said, you either learn how to decide to be nice like these girls or you learn to feel no guilt of considering those voices for even a second.
ReplyDelete(PART 1)
ReplyDeleteThe definition of nice, from the wise words of Bon Qui Qui, needs to go! When disussing this one little word during class, my opinions swayed back and forth to come up with a reasonable answer. Thinking about it, the answer is way simpler than it should be. Niceness, in all integrity, is a decision. It is, in my personal opinion, NOT a character trait. NO, NO, NO. It’s simply a façade for our own intentions and/or personal gain.
Now, I’m not being cynical or judgmental towards the human race, but what I am about to say is probably the cold truth. We all have the potential to be bad, to be a sinner, or just to start a fight. It’s extremely cliché, but we basically have a “good” angel on one shoulder and a “bad” angel on another. Your eyes glance at each side, making that awful decision for your mind. People who are “nice” made this decision not because they want to, but because they have to. You don’t want your persona or reputation being “that girl whom is brutally disrespectful”. If there were no audience or repercussions, I’m sure the majority of “nice” people would no longer be nice. I’m not automatically assuming that we are all brutal rebels in this sinful world. Of course, there are good people. Brynne, an example Period 9/10 used very frequently today, is a good person. Being her best friend, I know that first hand. I’m not trying to call you out Brynne, but sometimes you rant to me, discussing the latest instances that have been irking you. You can’t help it if you aren’t nice about some things. You’re nice because it gives you the emotional gain, but you’re good because it’s who you are. Being good is a character trait. Being nice, unfortunately, is not. Niceness is the empty-calorie sugar-coating, simply used to hide the sour traits. Sometimes, this sugarcoating can be artificial, and therefore extremely fake. Other times, this sugarcoating is just the cherry on top of your beautiful and divine personality (Brynne). The sugarcoating makes us taste better, and thus making us feel better about ourselves. It sounds selfish because, to an extent, it is selfish. But it is all for good intentions- most of the time.
I’ve come to this opinion because of my latest experiences and encounters with certain people. Scratch that- by encountering A LOT of people. Studying the social quirks of surrounding others truly helps me find both the honesty and falseness is the word “nice”. Lately, I’ve pondered upon the fakeness in people. Take for example my sister. I love my sister to death, don’t get me wrong. However, I’ve noticed that whenever my 25 year old sister wants money from my dad, or is simply acting obsequious, she is being nice. This niceness sounds both bitter and actually realistic. But, however, this is a fake act. She is using niceness as a way for personal gain. In her case, the gain isn’t emotional; she is just trying to get HER way. Does this make any sense?
(PART 2)
ReplyDeletePersonally, I believe I am compassionate at heart. I care what others say about me, and thus I treat other people the way I would like being treated (sorry for another cliché). I absolutely cringe at the thought of utter hatred. When I say I “hate” someone, I’m always just exaggerating; I never actually mean what I say. With this, I’m always trying to be nice to others. Being nice is a choice I have made, for I enjoy not feeling like a complete douche-bag. Being compassionate, caring, and sensitive towards others, in retrospect, is a character trait of mine.
I don’t think I’ve ever had the guts or the confidence to stick up for myself. I’m very passionate, and I’ll speak out on what I believe in a heartbeat, but I’m afraid of what others will think in the long run. I know I shouldn’t be exposing my weaknesses, but I just can’t help it. So, if I truly am sick of someone, I’ll just be nice for the sake of my hatred towards quarrel. Niceness is my little loophole to get out of a situation that I just don’t want. However, I’m usually nice for the sake of being nice. Am I contradicting myself now? Contradicting or not, niceness will forever be a weapon for personal gain. Again, it needs to go!
By the way, my everyday connotation of nice is different from the one we are discussing right now. Like Bunj, I usually say something is "niceee" whenever I enjoy something; not when I believe someone is treating me nicely. When I see someone all optimistic and smiley, I simply refer to them as "having a good day". (another brynne reference)
Sarah C.
ReplyDelete“Unlike Bunje, I tend to not like small children…at all! Any person from the age 2 to about 11, I don’t like at all. They are far too needy. I just thought I’d throw that in there.”
Bahahahahaha! This made me laugh because I can totally see where your coming from. I love babies and small children, just so long as I can return them to their family shortly. I also love the part about killing with kindness. Your right, being nice in this case gets you absolutely no where. You can’t show what your really feeling, the other person thinks that things are fine or that they can do whatever they want without you reacting, you’re basically giving them all of the cards.
KTG!
“I sure as hell wasn't trying to impress any of the Hammontonians (God, I hate them) at the pool by saving my brother!”
This was so darn cute. Sims, Santa Claus, and saving your little brother…I just loved your examples. It was all a little scattered, but some how was perfectly cohesive! I agree with what you said, every nice action we do Is going to benefit us in someway, be it socially or mentally. But I still think a person can be deemed nice, even if they do have some subconscious hidden agenda. And tehe Hammontonians!
Hannah Banana
“I looked up character trait on dictionary.com and it said it's a distinctive but not necessarily invariable feature exhibited by all individuals of a group and capable of being described or measured.”
Look at you being all logical! Logos! Haha! I really appreciate this though. I love everyone’s personal thoughts, but this is real. It’s interesting because it really cannot be argued. You can’t fight the dictionary, it will always win. So…I guess you’re right, niceness isn’t a character trait.
In a world of self indulgence, and loss of control, when does the twisting of who you are and who people think you are come to an end? Ever since the world began, people have been so selfish. Look at Adam and Eve. Their selfishness and dream of instant gratification eventually led to sin, in a biblical sense. Reminisce back upon the Ancient Romans cruelty to prisoners of war all in the name of Caesar. You could even look back upon slavery and see, that cruelty isn’t an invention of the twenty first century. Motives of self gain, lie in both the subconscious and awareness of “nice” people. Nice, is the generalization everyone seems to use in order to describe something/one in a non offensive, or vague way. Being nice, seems to always have a backhand. Every saint, while “pure“ and “good“, always had Gods commandments and hope of heaven in the back of their mind. They did good, to later get good. As in the concept of Karma. What goes around, comes around; a philosophy in which motivation is your guide. Thinking about it now, I’ve come to realize every philosophy and religion is for self benefit to the world. Its like a law written that the government doesn’t have to even enforce. Being “nice” allows people to go through life with politeness and determination to be socially accepted. It is not a character trait, because behavior is learned. When seeing the word “strategy” my peers seem to associate it with a premeditated plan for popularity. However, I believe its more of a Philosophy, just as Karma is. At the end of the day, being nice can attribute to being happy. And isn’t happiness everyone’s true desire?
ReplyDeleteAs I look way too deep into this idea, I can’t help but explain how even though self gain is the true identity of nice. Being nice, can bring you happiness. If someone scornfully goes through life, every day is like being dragged through rocks with shorts on. Therefore not being nice, doesn’t get you anywhere. If you are mean as opposed to nice, you are still trying to appease yourself. However, this appeasement is only temporary. Getting back at the bitch who talked behind your back, feels AMAZING. I’m not even going to lie, it feels pretty good. But we all know from experience that, that feeling remains temporary and only lasts so that your guilt can drag you further. When guilt isn’t an issue, being mean still isn’t a benefit. It just adds to the chaos in the world... Which is why making the decision to be nice, helps end some confusion in the world of self indulgence, and loss of control.
This blog has left me totally conflicted and I don’t even know if what I’ll be saying will make any sense. I’m pretty sure that Bunje enjoyed watching my mind struggle in a battle against confusion and uncertainty…but that’s what she was aiming for since the beginning. I hope your happy, Bunje. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, here goes:
When I first read this blog, I was pretty sure that I had a solid idea on what I thought niceness was and how I could define it as not just being a decision. However, the class discussion that went down today completely shook up my previous thoughts. Originally, my thoughts on being nice were simple: It was just something that you did. It required no thought or question. I was polite and kind to everyone, and that made me a nice person. However, now I’ve come to question that type of thinking. For the most part, I’m always polite and courteous to the people I meet. I’ve never had to think about it. Occasionally, I’d go out of my way to help someone in a way that wouldn’t necessarily benefit myself, but I’d still get a really good feeling after I did it. Then I realized something. Whether you’re aware of it or not, the act of being nice always benefits in you in some way. Whether that be for the sake of manipulation, to gain a favor, or just to get the satisfaction of knowing that you did something good, it has benefited you one way or another. Sure, that can be seen as selfish in more ways than one, but that is when your intentions come into play. If your intentions are nothing but pure, than that’s just peachy keen, but even if your intentions are evil and manipulative, the actions and results of your ‘kindness’ will still remain the same.
With all of this said, I want to bring this post back to the part of the quote that talks about niceness being a decision and social strategy. From my view, being nice only becomes a decision and social strategy when I’m placed in a situation with someone I may not particularly like or enjoy being around. I was raised to treat everyone with respect and to be polite even if they don’t seem like the type of person who deserves it. Of course, there are times when I want nothing more than to scream and throttle the people in front of me, but I still decide to treat that person kindly and not to let that anger take over me. After all, getting angry and telling that person what I really feel would do nothing but cause problems for me, and may possibly even cause me to feel guilty. I don’t need more stress in my life, so what’s the problem with just dealing with that person for the short amount of time I’m around them?
Bleh, overall, I can’t seem to settle my mind on the matter. I think that for the most part, niceness is something done to benefit both people at the same time. Your intentions and meaning behind these actions are the only difference between whether you are truly a good person or someone who is doing it just to SEEM nice. However, all of these actions are decisions that people must make every day. It’s been said plenty of times before, but you can’t just be born a nice person, it is your decisions and choices to act in that way that determines whether you are truly ‘nice’ or not.
Does that make ANY sense?
Yesterday, I was acting nice. Well, to the world I was. Yesterday, I offered to handle the money and order the Chinese after school before band started. I've never actually done it before. I usually leave it to someone else so I wouldn't have to deal with it. But because the people who normally order had a sectional, I, being a 'nice' person, offer to do it for them. However, I wasn't nice...at all. Once I heard that someone needed to handle the order, I automatically thought, "YES! Free food!" Now, my logical came as such: people don't pay exact amount so there would be extra money left over. In that extra amount, I can order wonton soup--which cost less than two dollars. I had a scheming, conniving motive.
ReplyDeleteNow, my motive isn't necessarily 'evil' or 'mean'. In the heart of my heart, I wanted to help out with my friends, because they have always been so efficient with ordering food. I simply tend to play the survival-of-the-fittest card when it comes to money and food. Ever since my family's finances went down the drain, I began to mooch ten times more than I did before. In cases such as mine, niceness was a decision.
Every human possesses all the character traits and emotions of life (unless some disability prevents it). Our personalities are always changing as we grow older. In fact, I see personality as a dynamic entity that continually flows, shifts, and transforms even into adulthood. Personality is indefinable. Thus, in all of us, there is a stingy Shirley (or whatever your name is) who simply sticks out for herself. There has to be! Before structured civilization, people needed to defend themselves or else they would die.
However, I don't think I'm being clear. Niceness is a decision, but that does not mean niceness isn't a character trait. If niceness isn't a character trait, that means that everyone in the world is evil and conniving, and nobody sticks out for one another. And I know that's not true. Niceness is a character trait, but people are not nice all the time. Like I said before, personality constantly changes. At one point, a person may fake niceness and act based on self-centered motives. Yet, on the other hand, the same person can be genuinely nice. The best way I can explain truly nice people are mothers. But I'm not talking about the mothers of today; I'm referring to the mothers of the past: cavewomen! Before society, true mothers truly cared for their children. They sacrificed their lives to raise children. Mothers are genuinely nice to their children because really, what do they gain from feeding a mouth? What do they gain for letting a life continue living?
In the end, I feel as if the world "nice" is a word block. I actually think all words are road-blocks to all ideas because the thoughts that go on in my mind will never in their entirety finds their way into world with the limited amount of words that exist. But that's another subject. What this blog is about...The ideas of niceness, motives, decisions, strategies...well, they're extremely vast and complex that nobody would ever know for certain. Why are people nice? It's like asking "Does God exist?" We will never absolutely find out. Human nature and the human mind can be interpreted in trillions of trillions of ways. My brain bleeds as I ponder the complexity of the situation. I feel as if my blog is completely wrong and my answer is not well explained. But how can someone explain this why people nice? As we talked about in class, I always find myself wondering about the "why." But then I get extremely aggravated because the answer will never be known; human society will just remain this cryptic bundle of mess. All we can really do is live our freakin' lives and if we encounter 'nice' people, we'll do what we can to overcome them.
Gwen,
ReplyDeleteI remember another blog where you ended with “Does that make ANY sense?” And both this time and last time, I literally laughed out loud. Just like you, I’m SOOOOO CONFUSED! Ever since I entered high school, the WORLD is JUST NOT THE SAME!! D=!!!!! And it just pisses me off because I can’t understand it. Nobody can! We may have our ideas, but the truth is never known. Sometimes I wish I were more of a math person (I am kind of), but the reasoning side of my mind always creeps up on me. In all the stress and disappointment I’ve experienced the last two months, I just hate the world. So, don’t worry Gwen. We’re all confused!
But you explained it pretty well!
Shirley!
ReplyDelete"Now, my logical came as such: people don't pay exact amount so there would be extra money left over. In that extra amount, I can order wonton soup--which cost less than two dollars. I had a scheming, conniving motive."
Whoa! That was sneaky, remind to never order with you again... Hehe, just kidding. :]
I agree with the fact that what you did was neither evil or mean, I just think that you did what you needed to do in order to benefit yourself in the end. That's the point I was trying to make in my blog, and I feel like your example just exemplified one of my main points. So..thanks Sneaky Shirley. :D
Hannah!
"She wants to be real, but still show some niceness because she doesn't want to be hated."
I can completely relate to the part about seeing some of your friends or peers do a total 180 at the start of this year. I've seen people go from being kind and polite people to turning into complete bitches with no regard to anything but themselves. I'm not saying you cant be real like this girl wants to be, but you can still be kind to other people. I see nothing wrong in treating the people that you may not like with even a small speck of respect, because I think there's a point where your actions can get just downright horrible.
Taylor!
"For the first time, I read this blog…and was absolutely speechless. Each time before, I immediately began typing away and knew exactly what to write. I guess I’m just worried what I think is wrong, but here goes."
Believe me when I say I know exactly how that feels. You should've seen me in class..I could barely breathe. But even in your confusion, I agree with most of the points in your blog. I think that there are those people out there that are just genuinely nice, but I think that most people do have a reason or underlying motive for how they act towards other people. If only we knew what people were thinking..
Shirley...
ReplyDeleteI don't know how else to end my blogs! hahaha
xD
I'm never sure if i start rambling or if what I say makes any sense to everybody else that reads it. Thanks for pointing it out! :P
Paola,
ReplyDelete“Being nice, can bring you happiness. If someone scornfully goes through life, every day is like being dragged through rocks with shorts on.”
Ever since this blog was put up, I’ve been constantly thinking about why people are really nice. But at the end of the day, I really like the way you put it. We should just be nice because it can bring us happiness. While the “why” of the equation is extremely interesting to ponder, the “is” part is the most important. People should just be nice because it makes themselves feel happy. Now, that I look at that, it does seem selfish. But everyone benefits from nice actions. We should just be nice so our worlds a better place!
PAE OH LA -“Being nice, can bring you happiness. If someone scornfully goes through life, every day is like being dragged through rocks with shorts on.”
ReplyDeleteBooty shorts! I agree with Shirley. It was a really good way to put that. Being nice really saves you from a headache and unnecessary quarrels. It ain't worth the trouble to show true emotions to people who simply aren't worth the time or day.~
Alexis,
ReplyDelete“If someone came up to me and asked me for help, I would help them as long as I had no real reason not to.” I think the situation here makes being nice more confusing than it already is. If someone came up and said “I lost my child!” obviously I would help. It’s in our nature to find their way forced into doing something if someone asked, especially if it’s something crucial like a missing child. Even if we don’t want to, we still help. That’s why being nice is confusing in situations such as this. Are people truly nice if they help find a child? Or are people feel OBLIGATED to be nice because a desperate person asked them to?
AHHHH!!! AP Lang hurts my brain!
This quote is one thousand percent correct. Niceness is a decision and very much a strategy of social interaction. It is not a character trait because people are not born nice; it’s something that they choose to be. As I said today in class, everyone is nice for their own personal gain, pure strategic gain. It doesn’t make sense for someone to do something just to do it. There must be a reason behind everything. The reason behind being nice? Personal gain, for sure.
ReplyDeletePeople are annoying, a lot of people actually. Everyone has their moments when I just want to say, “You’re such an idiot,” but I don’t. I don’t because I like to be liked. If people didn’t like me, they wouldn’t feel bad starting rumors about me and spreading bogus gossip. To avoid this, I choose to be nice. Does that make me fake? I guess so. However, I feel the need to be nice, especially in Oakcrest, to make it to graduation without having to go through overwhelming, dramatic, and distressing incidents.
Although I’ve chosen the road of niceness, I could at anytime make a detour into the dark forest of cruelty and meanness. I could easily become a miserable human being and make rude comments to everyone that I come across during my daily activities. I could insult people on a regular basis and allow everyone in and out of Oakcrest to hate me. Obviously, if I’m capable of this, niceness is not a character trait. However, if I did do this, it’d be very poor social strategy on my part.
Social strategy is important to a successful life. Do you want to get that promotion? Do you want to be on top? Social strategy is the key. Some people may call it sucking up or brownnosing, but sometimes it’s necessary to get where you want to be. Not all the teachers I have are exactly my favorite people; however I chose to be nice to them all, whether or not I actually like them, to receive the grade I believe I deserve. Of course, teachers claim that their personal feelings towards someone cannot affect any particular student’s grade, but I’m sure they could find a way, like through participation points or something. There’s always a way!
So is niceness a decision and pure strategy? Absolutely. People choose to be nice to get what they want, even if it’s something simple like a warm smile from a less fortunate person. I’m sure in every situation, you could come up with something that is being gained from the person doing the so called nice action. There’s always some sort of gain. Nothing is ever completely out of the goodness of the heart.
Stephanie: I really liked your example when you explained how nice is the word used when describing something you don’t really care about. I thought it was the perfect example for a very true statement. Nice is such a wishy washy word. It has positive connotations, so is used to evoke positive feelings, even if that’s not what you really meant.
ReplyDeleteSarah C: I enjoyed your references to what we learned in biology. Obviously someone did their summer work! Being the science nerd that I am, I agree with this concept. Niceness is a learned behavior that newborns and infants pick up as they grow. They choose the behaviors that work best for with the greatest gain. Also, I completely agree with the fact that children ages two to eleven tend to be excruciatingly annoying!
Kristie: “I wish niceness was a character trait because then you would have it or you didn’t – you were nice or you weren’t. There would be no games, no wondering if they meant that comment or their action, no contemplating whether that glare was their thinking face or they now hate you.” I completely agree! Life would be so much easier! However, if life were this easy, things wouldn’t be interesting. The mystery of niceness mixes everything up.
I thought she was my friend until in a flash every word that projected out of her mouth seemed to be negative and with my name attached. Without hesitation, the nice characteristic disappeared and I was speechless. This quote can also be related to that time when a friend of mine used me for my brother. This occurred a numerous amount of times, but all with a common goal. People will work hard for what they want and become as nice as possible to achieve that goal. I could not agree more with the quote presented above.
ReplyDeleteIt is human nature to talk about a person behind their back. Most people do not even realize it is happening but quickly participate in the daily discussions throughout a lunch table or text. It is easier to be nicer to an enemy or person you do not know than treat the people you know with respect. I know I can put on a show with almost anyone in the class, does this make me nice? They think I am nice but deep down when you ask them “What’s up” you know you will not remember nor care in a minute. As humans we are self driven and tend to think about only what benefits our situation. We are nicer to the ones we try and date, but can easily forget about the girl who does not fit into your category of friends. People are nice for their image and not to truly be a good person.
A characteristic is said to be a distinguishing mark or trait. Can nice really fall into this category? Everyone at a point in their life can be nice and put a smile on to please someone. Yet, if I said “There is that Kelsey Cheek, she is so nice.” Does that really make her different from the rest of the world? Nice has such a varied interpretation that someone can be nice one day, but their true feelings come out eventually. If you are around someone a long period of time the truth can be revealed.
I always have my guard up when people are too nice. From age five I had a best friend from gymnastics. I had always known she had a ‘thing’ for my brother but never realized I had been deceived my whole friendship. She had snuck behind my back and lied to my face about being with my brother. The only reason she was nice to me was because she benefitted from our friendship. I agree with this quote on many terms. It is a little pessimistic to say, but people are never truly nice. Everyone has bitterness and anger in them but become nice when the time is right.
What is nice? From my experience, the word “nice” is usually used when a more powerful word cannot be found, or would not fit the situation. If somebody looks at a project I just completed and says, “Oh, its… nice,” I would feel a lot worse than if they said it was great. When describing someone’s personality, it seems to have the same effect. Nice is a lot weaker than kind, or caring, or altruistic. But before I get more into that, I think it is necessary to explain how I think about people.
ReplyDeletePersonalities don’t exist. From the time we are born, we are bombarded with messages of what we should be and how we should behave. By the time all of these influences finish working on people, they are barely even individuals anymore, but rather they are just a collection of those around them, arranged into a “unique” bundle. Sure, we are born with tendencies, but what difference does that make? I was born to be a loud, obnoxious little kid, but I’m not like that any more. Things change. People change. So what is “nice”? Can people be totally good, act totally altruistically, without getting anything from it?
The answer, quite simply, is no. People who do good deeds always get something in return. Sometimes, people who do good deeds are motivated by social pressures, like when a politician is filmed doing charity work. A lot of people have motivations other than helping others when doing good deeds. Even those who don’t do it for these reasons still get something out of it. These people feel good about themselves when they do it, and they are often motivated to do charitable things again by this feeling. Put simply, there is no such thing as a totally selfless deed.
All the same though, I don’t think it matters too much what people’s motivations are when a good deed is done. Does it change the fact that a good deed was done if the giver is motivated by selfish interests? I’m sure the person on the receiving end of it doesn’t care what those motivations are. A good deed is a good deed, no matter what the reasons are behind it. Also, doing good deeds over and over again has a tendency to grow on the acting party. A person who does something for little or no personal gain tends to justify their actions subconsciously by convincing themselves that they liked doing it and wanted to be doing it (psychologists proved it).
Although “niceness” is a decision, it has its benefits. Even if the niceness is insincere, somebody benefits from it. Being good, even if it’s fake, never really hurt anyone. We choose to be “nice” because we should. It makes sense to be nice, and for the most part, it makes our world a better place.
Jourdan S:
ReplyDeleteI agree with your beginning. So much goes into decisions that it is impossible to isolate a single motive. Also, I do agree that it is possible to be totally sincere in doing a good deed. However, that doesn't mean that the person is being totally selfless. Someone can be sincere and still gain something from an act, even if it is just the good feeling that is felt after doing it.
Kristie A:
ReplyDeleteI agree completely. Wouldn't it be nice to know that there really isn't any hidden motive behind being nice? It would make things a lot simpler. However, things would be a lot more boring, like Kaitlin said. With nothing to figure out or think about, life would just be tedious and probably not worth living.
"Does it change the fact that a good deed was done if the giver is motivated by selfish interests?"
ReplyDeleteI agree with what you are saying, but I ultimately think a differentiation between niceness and good deeds exists. You're right, if I donate $5,000 to an animal shelter, I'm being nice, and whether I did it because I like puppies or because I have a huge crush on the owner, the animal shelter still has that $5,000 deposit in its account. But that donation, while nice, is a good deed. Blandishing you with compliments, however nice, is not a good deed. My motivation shapes the outcome of the situation though. If you find out that I only complimented you so you would give me your psych homework, those compliments nearly cease to exist. They may even more closely resemble insults. I think I'm making sense. Let me know if I'm not.
That was for Lucas, by the way.
ReplyDeleteLucas:
ReplyDeleteGaining something from an act does not mean that that act wasn't selfless. I could help someone who has no way of repaying me out of total sincerity and with no though or desire for repayment or recognition. If later that person strikes oil in their backyard and gives me an unimaginable amount of money, something I could not possibly predict, it doesn't change the fact that my act was selfless.
Jourdan S: (response to her response to my post)
ReplyDeleteThat's what I forgot! I never talked about the difference between niceness and kindness. Kindness would be giving $5,000 to the animal shelter, while niceness would be saying "bless you" after a sneeze. Kindness is way more strong than niceness. "Nice" reminds me of the word cute (which I abhor, as some people know.) Sometimes it just seems like that word somebody says when they cannot think of anything better or more meaningful to say.
Gwen C:
ReplyDelete"It’s been said plenty of times before, but you can’t just be born a nice person, it is your decisions and choices to act in that way that determines whether you are truly ‘nice’ or not.
Does that make ANY sense?"
That makes plenty of sense. It is the whole "nature versus nurture" thing (Why do I involve Psychology in everything?). Nobody is born kind or evil. Their actions, and the actions of those around them, influence them and make them into who they "are". But still, nobody can be truly evil or good. It's always in the middle somewhere.
Kelsey:
ReplyDelete"I know I can put on a show with almost anyone in the class, does this make me nice? They think I am nice but deep down when you ask them “What’s up” you know you will not remember nor care in a minute."
This sparked a question. Is acting nice the same as actual being nice? Being nice, i think, is kind and sincere whereas acting nice is simply doing anything that could make a person look nice, whether (s)he is or not. It's like how there's a difference between acting like a girl and actually being a girl (I'm assuming you took health so I won't further that example).
Nice gestures are empty gestures, a formality. The typical "If there's anything I can do to help, let me know," comes to mind when I hear the word nice. The nice person asking this question does not actually expect a reply other than, "Oh thats nice of you to ask, but it's okay." For strictly nice people this is where it ends. They are taking part in a social convention, not because they want to but because it's the acceptable thing to do. Then there are some nice people with truly malicious intents. We've all met them. The ones who are sweet as saccharin to you face, but then turn out to be just as fake. For this devious bunch of people niceness is a social strategy, they abuse it to manipulate other people. I knew someone at Port School who used to be really nice to me. We would talk in class and I even considered her a friend. Then I heard she actually didn't like me, and she was just using me for help on her homework. This is obviously a weak example, but we all know these people.
ReplyDeleteKind people, because there is a difference between kind and nice, go out of their way to help others, simply because it's the right thing to do. I generally like to think of myself as a kind person, because I like to help other people, its just part of their nature. The way I see it, we're all part of this world so helping someone else is a responsibility. When I see someone in pain I hurt too, it doesn't feel right to leave someone on their own if I could make them feel better. I don't do it for personal satisfaction, at least not consciously, its just how I am, so for some people kindness is a character trait. Obviously nobody is kind all of the time, but for some people thats just generally how they are.
Call me naive but I can't think of the world as being filled with people who are just in it for themselves. Sure there are selfish people out there, but there has to be plenty of good people too! Think of Obi-Wan Kenobi (yes Star Wars does contain an answer for almost every philosophical question out there), he sacrificed himself so Luke and the other heroes could escape the Death Star! He didn't do that for himself! Maybe I'm naive, but in the words of Carole King I can't stop believing love makes the world go round.
To Sarah C: I totally agree with you. I am not one to trust niceness either. I feel if someone is being overly nice, they have to have a motive. Maybe that is me being overly pessimistic, but it seems that there are not many legit “nice” people in this world (Except Brynne Kessler, who is the epitome of kindhearted) anymore. People whose intentions are pure are almost nonexistent.
ReplyDeleteTo Hannah: It’s sad, but true, that most people are nice because they simply want to be accepted. I don’t think that’s very selfish. Its human nature to like being liked. And who likes a bitch? No one. Sure, they may be the envy of some of the other girls, but at the end of the day they have no real friends. So ultimately, playing the role of the “nice little girl” is the logically choice. The smart choice.
To Shirely In regards to Alexis: Being kind is fulfilling your obligations, in a sense. Filling your obligation is the most selfless selfish acts of them all (I know…that’s a contradiction). Let me explain. Nine out of ten times, anything nice anyone does is, in the end, for selfish reasons or their own personal gain. For example, many help the homeless so they can end the day feeling better about themselves. Ahhh…The perfect excuse to pat yourself on the head. Yet some “nice” acts are due to a nagging feeling that one owes the world something. Yes, its still makes us better (with that warm-feeling inside), but ultimately it proves much more selfless than other act of kindness I can think of. I know that makes no sense, but it makes sense in my head. I can better explain it in person. Sorry.
Inadvertently we all do almost everything for some kind of gain in the end, whether it be something extremely significant such as a job promotion or opening a door for someone jus t to receive a simple thank-you. People, who are nice, aren’t exactly caring but actually are putting a false front; a manipulative use of “niceness” as just a strategy. I believe people who are actually almost selfless don’t exhibit it to other people, but when it really matters is when that person is alone. When a person makes extra strides to go out of their way for another without any intent of getting anything in return are the real nice people. Intent is the largest problem between people actually being nice and people being fake. Someone could do the nicest thing in the world, but if that person had only the incentive in mind then the motivation becomes nullified. It is not the point of doing the deed, but having the right and pure intentions to begin with. It is unlikely for a person to make extra strides that go unnoticed, making a trait of being polite turned into a manipulative façade in order to gain something in return.
ReplyDeleteThe example that always pops into my head when I think of being misleadingly nice is business people. The obsequious employee that makes every attempt to compliment their boss and bring them coffee, not to make his day easier, but to get the promotion that’s coming up is the prime example. It is very rare that people will actually do near-selfless acts; it takes people like Mother Teresa to even come close to having such an altruistic motive. I believe even the nicest of people who do things just to be nice also have a motive of gain. It may be masked deep inside with nice deeds and showers of compliments, the person may have even done it so many times that they have even convinced themselves of their motives being completely selfless. People will say “I did it for a friend and that is it” but was that the only reason, the motive is deep and masked but 99% of the time it is there. A possible insertion of power comes as a result, the person you helped feels in your debt and because you’re just slightly going out of your way could make up a lot of ground in the future. Taking a little time when the person has nothing wrong is very easy to do, yet when they themselves are in a time of anguish they will look to assume the friend will do the same. Even friendship comes from an alternative motive besides just being “friends”, it is a power struggle that allows friends to do little favors and keep secrets for when they really need the comfort and problem-solving they know where to turn. I know I am speaking from a cynical point of view, but I believe all people aren’t truly nice unless the intent is pure and any other way of “niceness” revealed is a sort of strategy for gain.
Because I didn't proofread my post:
ReplyDeleteLucas:
Gaining something from an act does not mean that that act wasn't selfless. I could help someone, who has no way of repaying me, out of total sincerity and with no thought of or desire for repayment or recognition. If later that person strikes oil in their backyard and gives me an unimaginable amount of money, which is something I could not possibly predict, it doesn't change the fact that my act was selfless.
To Jourdan: I agree with you, but I m a little confused...Would you actually donate 5 grand just because you had a crush on the owner? I am a little scared, to be honest. I sincerely hope you don't have access to your parents credit cards or bank accounts!!
ReplyDeletePart 1:
ReplyDelete“Niceness is a decision. It’s a strategy of social interactions; it is not a character trait.”
Hmmm… Niceness….
To go any further I want to clarify what I believe is nice. Nice is when a person does things for others that makes them happy. For instance lending somebody a dollar for no other reason but just to help the person out when they asked for it. Or complimenting a person’s bracelet cause you truly like it. OR saving a girl that called you fat, from falling off a cliff. In each of these situations you were nice for helping and complimenting without having to expect something to gain at the end. Nice people always benefit at the end anyways. However, you have a choice. You don’t have to lend that person a dollar. You don’t have to compliment that person’s bracelet. You could’ve just let that girl who insulted you fall down into the deep ocean right below. Niceness is definitely a decision.
And when I thought much about it, it could be a strategy of social interaction. For instance (Might be a bad example.), when I moved to my new development I haven’t ever taken the bus since the beginning of freshman year. So as I was walking, with the bus information paper in one hand, I stood right next the sign according to the paper. I was the first to be at the stop till a few minutes later I saw another kid walking by. He kept walking and then stopped , what seemed like, a block away. I went up to the kid and asked him questions nicely, like where the bus actually stopped and tried to get to know him a little better. Obviously if I were to say “Yo! You pathetic little freshman where does the bus actually stop?!” with my mean face on then I would achieve nothing but hatred. We ended up being friends anyways. But it was my way of not only getting bus information out of him but also making a new friend. Mostly in these cases, you have no choice but to be nice if your willing to make a friend or gain something from them. Not only did I make a friend but he did too.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteI believe all good people are nice. Give me a case where that statement is not true. Because I can’t think of any. If people are being nice just to only get benefit for themselves, then they aren’t nice. Such as Uroosa’s example ( she gave me during lunch), a guy being nice to a girl just to ‘get in her pants’. Then that guy is USING the girl, not being nice. More like seducing or any other word besides nice. Nice is something a person does without their own selfish reasons.
I believe niceness is a character trait. If you can be described brave, loyal, creative, smart then why can’t nice be a character trait? Nobody’s DNA was encoded to have ’brave’ trait or a ’loyal trait’, maybe even a ’creative’ trait. We all, however developed these traits through influences and this makes us who we are. People, mostly Deanna (HaHa) say I’m nice. I believe this is one of my character traits because I’ve been influenced a lot by my parents. I hate debates and avoid conflict at all costs because I was raised to show TONS of respect. So looking upon that, I became to be automatically nice. I don’t use people to gain some sort of benefit. I’m nice because I want to be, even if its towards a person I very much dislike (Besides my sister, but that‘s a different story). If I don’t then there will be conflict, and I don’t like conflict. But that doesn’t mean that I’m nice 24/7. Humans have emotions. I’m just good at handling them well… I do get furious and plain upset but really it is of no significance because towards the end of the day I just want to be happy…
So to conclude, being nice is a decision and can be a social strategy, only if its with good intentions such as getting to know a person. Is it a character trait? I say why not!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTo Jourdan and Lucas: Its all based on intention...So if you didn't intend on making a profit off of being kind, then your kindness was sincere. But does anyone really help anyone with out expecting anything in return, even if its something like friendship? Friendship is being there for the good and the bad for each other. Therefore isn't being a good friend basically saying: Hey I m here for you now, but you better be here for me WHEN i need you. Sorry I know that's off track. But its kind of going with what Jourdan is saying
ReplyDeleteKaitlin H.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I just can't believe everyone has some selfish motive behind all their nice acts. That makes the world seem like such a terrible place! I think there are some people who only act for themselves, but there are other people who do things out of love (just a general love, not specific love). When I do something kind I don't usually think of how it's going to benefit me, I just do it.
Uroosa:
ReplyDelete"But does anyone really help anyone with out expecting anything in return, even if its something like friendship? Friendship is being there for the good and the bad for each other. Therefore isn't being a good friend basically saying: Hey I m here for you now, but you better be here for me WHEN i need you."
That's the point! That isn't being selfless. Sure, it's friendship, but it cannot be considered totally sincere and selfless if you expect something in return. I'm not saying anybody shouldn't expect these things, but if they do expect them, it isn't being selfless.
Kaitlin H.
ReplyDelete“People are annoying, a lot of people actually. Everyone has their moments when I just want to say, “You’re such an idiot,” but I don’t” This quote really made me laugh, I never really thought about being nice as just a courtesy and to avoid that confrontation between people. Being nice could also just be the manners and “rights and wrongs” we were taught as young children. These also just backs up that people could be nice, but actually thinking the shirt they just complimented looks like crap, it all comes back to motive and gain. The person actually just wanted their shirt to be complimented in return.
Shirley N.
"YES! Free food!" Now, my logical came as such: people don't pay exact amount so there would be extra money left over. In that extra amount, I can order wonton soup--which cost less than two dollars. I had a scheming, conniving motive.” I think the same things sometimes, not this exact situation, but anytime I have to go through things out of my comfort range where I have to make extra strides it is usually for some gain. In your case you would also appear as the “nice one” for doing the job of ordering the Chinese food while also getting something in return. Niceness is a good front to get things we need, a nondirective way humans can manipulate others for gain.
Paola D.
The way you explained that we were also seeking self gain since the beginning of time made me thing. That even biblical characters such as Adam and Eve discovered sin through personal gain, which sparks the notion that almost everything we do is for some sort of gain. Humans by nature look to compromise and try to persuade, and doing favors and being “nice” is the best way to do it. I believe what you said opens up a whole new spectrum that everyone from anywhere has selfish motives deep down within any action.
Lucas: I agree that everything is selfess. But since everything is selfish, then shouldn't be look at the DEGREES of selfishness. For example, my whole friend thing, that is not as selfish as other acts...so shouldn't it be consider selfless as compared to all the other selfishness in our world. You have to look in grays, is what I m basically saying. That was very confusing, so tell me if you dont get what I mean.
ReplyDeleteUroosa:
ReplyDeleteI totally get what you mean, and I totally agree. Like I said in my post, nobody is totally good or totally evil. It is what side of the gray that the person is on that really matters.
This is probably very disorganized and confusing, sorry about that!
ReplyDeleteI agree and disagree with this quote. I agree with the part that states "Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction," however I believe niceness IS a character trait. We were all taught to act a certain way growing up by our parents/guardians. They drilled into our minds the proper etiquettes such as manners, respect, and being nice. Humans are not born with the natural trait of being nice. It is a skill that is developed when we are young and our minds are still altering. But I think, ultimately, we choose to continue to stay nice or not. A major factor in deciding is what we get in return. Most of the time after someone does something nice to a person, they feel good about themselves because they did something to help someone. They are receiving the satisfaction for their niceness. When someone knows that there will probably not be any personal gain, they struggle to truly be nice.
Niceness is a weapon when it comes to social interaction. A person who is nice can make someone feel like the best person in the world to the most guiltiest person in the world. Maybe that is why people who are abnormally nice are the ones to be the most cautious of; they have the power to both hurt and help people.
Now that I think more about this blog, I think there are different degrees of niceness.There is the politely nice where a person keeps their manners but goes a little beyond the "please" and "thank you." There is the normal nice where a person does things for people to help them because it is right and it is acceptable. And then there is the genuinely nice where a person does all of the above not only because it is the right thing to do but also because they truly want to do it with good intentions whether they get the satisfaction in return or not. I don't know if that really made sense :/
I know of only two people in my life that I know enough to say they are truly genuinely nice. They are helping people to the best of their ability no matter what the cost is to them or if they receive the feel-good feeling afterwards. They are the kind of people that would do good deeds even if there was no human audience to witness them because they could care less if everyone else is satisfied. The person they are helping matters most to them. I know it may be hard to believe, but these two people are really like this. I know many other people that have good intentions but may not be necessarily the nicest, but i don't think that is a problem. Intentions help determine a person's good or bad character because they lead to actions which are the true determinants of character.
Everyone here has good intentions, no doubt we just have to display it in our actions.
Stephen:
ReplyDelete"Call me naive but I can't think of the world as being filled with people who are just in it for themselves. Sure there are selfish people out there, but there has to be plenty of good people too! Think of Obi-Wan Kenobi (yes Star Wars does contain an answer for almost every philosophical question out there), he sacrificed himself so Luke and the other heroes could escape the Death Star! He didn't do that for himself! Maybe I'm naive, but in the words of Carole King I can't stop believing love makes the world go round."
I couldn't agree more. Although I agree with the basic idea of the quote, it's just too cynical for me. I don't think the fact that it doesn't sit well can be brushed off as me being young and naive. There really are good people out there who are sincere in there niceness (I guess that translates into kindness) and I could never reject that idea even though some people basically suck and most of us are pretty bad at one point or another.
Gwen:
ReplyDeleteYour post makes total sense :). When I do something kind you're right, I feel good about it afterwards, but that isn't my motivation. Before I help someone I don't think "Hm, this is going to make me feel really good about myself." I think we're a lot a like in that we both are just kind to people. We don't really consciously decide to be nice, its just how we act.
Lucas: I really liked that about your blog. You always try to be as nonbiased as possibly, and I really respect you for that. I think that people look at the world too much in black and white these days. It as if you can only be two extremes.So its nice to find someone who agrees with me : that the world is black but variations of black (some lighter and others darker).
ReplyDeleteGwen: "being nice only becomes a decision and social strategy when I’m placed in a situation with someone I may not particularly like or enjoy being around. I was raised to treat everyone with respect and to be polite even if they don’t seem like the type of person who deserves it..."
ReplyDeleteI'm the same. I decide to be nice to people that I'm not necessarily fond of. My parents raised me to respect everyone else no matter how they treat you (unless they really treat you like poop). I'm not going to get all fake nice with them, but I'll be fairly polite nice to them because why waste the energy on someone who doesn't matter as much to me? Don't worry, I get that feeling where I want to "scream and throttle at the people in front of me" all the time, but I have learned to control myself to prevent anymore unnecessary conflicts to stir.
Stephanie W.: I must say I have to disagree with a diminutive thing you said. You mentioned that good and evil (complete opposites) exist in everyone, and that niceness and rudeness do as well. I don't think that rudeness is necessarily the opposite of niceness, even though it may seem that way but that all depends on your definition of rudeness, which could be a whole new blog topic itself.
Pooja: "I believe all good people are nice. Give me a case where that statement is not true."
I think it depends that all good people are nice. I mean, for example, a good person could have good intentions in general but doesn't necessarily do a nice act for someone. Does that make him...not nice? Sorrry I'm a bit confusing, after reading everybody's posts, I don't understand this topic anymore. Hah. :/
My brain HURTS!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteStephen - "Think of Obi-Wan Kenobi (yes Star Wars does contain an answer for almost every philosophical question out there), he sacrificed himself so Luke and the other heroes could escape the Death Star! He didn't do that for himself! Maybe I'm naive, but in the words of Carole King I can't stop believing love makes the world go round."
ReplyDeletehaha! That made me smile. I couldn't agree more. It's like my farting brain is telling me that nice doesn't exist blah blah angst blah, but my heart is telling me that there are a select few people out there who have been or are saints! It kind of reminds me of religion. There are so many arguments against it, but I couldn't not believe in God..it's like this quote from Laverne from Scrubs. (lol. My favorite episode. I don't feel like writing the quote, so just watch the beginning of this video) Youtube rules!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mAtjs-JAtE
Poo-ha (don't hate me...):
ReplyDeleteBut doesn't being raised to show respect like that mean that your niceness wasn't natural? A personality trait, at least to me, is something that someone is born with and sticks with throughout life. Honestly, because of this, I cannot even define my own personality. I guess I really don't have one, by that definition. I don't know. Am I wrong? (And really... please don't kill me.)
Roosa: Same! This topic is making me so confused! I don't know why, but I'm having trouble grasping everyone's ideas :/
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahaha Lucas xD Don't worry I call her Pooha alll the time and she hasn't killed me...yet.
ReplyDeletePooja:
ReplyDelete"I hate debates and avoid conflict at all costs because I was raised to show TONS of respect. So looking upon that, I became to be automatically nice. I don’t use people to gain some sort of benefit."
I think that conflict avoidance is a motive that makes being nice a selfish act, even if only minutely so.
Niceness is something that I believe is gained from life experiences and the situations that surround them. I believe that it is a decision. You either decide to be nice or you choose not to. The life experiences are a huge influence but in the end the individual is the one to decide whether or not they would like to be nice or not. A person can grow up with situations that would make most people mean but they can make the decision to be nice despite what has happened in life. The individual may also be nice in order to advance themselves socially. Let’s say that an individual really wants to score a job in a specific business company. They may be nice to the employers and bosses in hopes of having a better chance than others for getting that job. People are also nice in order to make friends but this does not mean that they are faking being nice. An individual can still be genuinely nice just because they are. Some may have certain motives but I think that there are people who are just nice without exactly knowing it and without any huge motives. I think that niceness is basically determined by your actions and attitude. Basically I believe that everyone has the ability to be nice but at the same time they have the ability to be mean. I know that they can be a combination of both. I definitely believe that people can be nice to advance themselves socially. There was one girl that I was friends with that I always believed was really nice.
ReplyDeleteShe may have been genuinely nice but in the time I knew her it seemed like the main reason she was nice to me always came with a hidden motive. She was always nice to me but then whenever she had even the smallest problem she would come to me to fix it. Of course I was happy to help because at the time she was one of my closest friends. The only thing was whenever I tried to tell her any problems I had or anything it just seemed like she would give me an answer that sounded like she had barely listened. And then the answer to my problem would go right back to her problems and that is what we would concentrate on: what was going on with her. So I still thought she was a little self centered but she still seemed really nice so I didn’t mind too much. That thought ended though when she left our school and stopped talking to me. Not only that though, she did happen to text me once to tell me about the new people in her life and her new school but when I tried to tell her how I was she just seemed to ignore me and she just stopped talking to me again. I think being nice is just a decision, a person can choose to be mean in a certain scenario or they can choose to be nice. It’s not something that is preprogrammed. Being nice is a moral choice that can be influenced by many things but in some instances I believe that there are people who are nice without specifically noticing a reason for that niceness and there are others who just use it as a tool.
ReplyDeleteSarah C
ReplyDeleteYeah, I can't really see the "Kill em with kindness" strategy working all that well. I do agree that sometimes people do use niceness to get what they want. There are some really selfish, malicious people out there who will do what ever it takes to get ahead. I'm glad that you also think there are people who do things just to be kind, because I was starting to think Jourdan and I were some of the only ones.
Shirley: “Now, my motive isn't necessarily 'evil' or 'mean'. In the heart of my heart, I wanted to help out with my friends, because they have always been so efficient with ordering food. I simply tend to play the survival-of-the-fittest card when it comes to money and food.”
ReplyDeleteI agree that there are hidden motives but its just human nature. I think people either have a clear idea of why they are doing something nice or they just don’t think about the reason they are doing something. Even if a motive is for personal gain I don’t think it is necessarily bad because that would make basically everyone bad since at one point or another I’m sure everyone has made a decision to benefit themselves.
Paola: I definitely agree that being mean just causes more chaos and the beneficial feeling is only temporary. Being nice is so much easier in the way that it doesn’t leave people feeling bad about themselves and it brings way more peace to the world. Being mean doesn’t really solve or help anyone or anything because it just serves to complicate everything.
KTG: “Santa is WRONNGG. Nice isn’t a trait, Santa! (Don’t give me coal please.)”
I love the examples you used, they’re really funny but they get the point across. I agree that the quote is right and I think the rhymes about Santa checking his list basically serves as a motive for being nice. (If your not nice than you don’t get presents). So I really liked how you wrote this, good job!
So it seems unanimous,(except for a few optimistics),: THE WORLD AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT SUCK!! And with that statement, I am going to bed...I'm pooped.
ReplyDeleteMaryam (but in your response to Pooja):
ReplyDeleteThis really isn't very mind-blowing, more like a random thought that was guided by your post. I think that good=intention+action. If someone has good thought but sits around all day without the guts to act on those thoughts, then I don't count him as "good."
But then if someone goes around doing good deeds but the whole time is thinking about what he's gonna get in return, then I don't count him as "good" either.
Chrissy- “She is using niceness as a way for personal gain.” In my opinion, this form of niceness occurs in every person. I could not agree more with every point you made in your blog. Especially in saying that niceness is not a trait but good is considered one. Brynne’s reference brings everything about niceness into perspective. It can either hurt your personality or add to it like it does for Brynne. The Bon Qui Qui reference drew me into the entire blog. If Bon Qui Qui says it, it must be an amazing point.
ReplyDeleteKTG
ReplyDeleteHaha, I love Laverne! And I do see the connection.
Jourdan
I'm glad I'm not the only one!
Jourdan S:
ReplyDeleteWoah I never thought of it that way. You pointed out the many reasons why people are nice. I always thought there were two reasons: just being genuinely nice, like you said and kind of fake nice just to get what you want for you own intentions. Maybe the latter would fit the other reasons you’ve stated. I don’t really know…. This is just too confusing! Anyways I overall agree to your blog. O! and I want to comment on what you commented on mine. I don’t get how that is a selfish motive. If I avoid conflict, I just avoid it not to have an intention to be nice. Get what I’m saying? If not its okay… I’m pretty bad at explaining things.
Jourdan: Yeah, I sort of wrote the whole intentions + actions = true determinant of character in my blog response...I'm just getting more and more confused as I read more.
ReplyDeleteNiceness is sometimes a decision, but not all the time. Niceness is not a quality that can be over generalized; it is not a simple trait or personal quality. Niceness cannot be an all the time thing, not a quality that people innately put forth all the time. The notion that niceness is a decision is one that may be true, but then what hope is there in human salvation? What kind of being will humans ever be if they truly believe no one is naturally kind and is always doing things out of pure personal motivation? I refuse to believe that humans do things only for themselves, that every action is fueled by a selfish motive.
ReplyDeleteSocial interaction is not an exact science. People don’t interact with others with a selfish motive in mind. If the whole world did things only for personal gain, half the interactions in the world wouldn’t even occur. You can’t honestly say that every thing you do is for some gain. Why does the loving mother save her son from drowning? Is it because she wants her son to give her something in return? No, she is doing it out of pure kindness from her heart. Does the selfless person who gladly sacrifices themselves for another, knowingly committing their life to save someone else? Definitely not, people do have the capability to be altruistic; they can do things that don’t necessarily benefit them. Niceness isn’t always a strategy, sure sometimes it is. If you are acting nice to gain trust or to make a good impression, then you have a motive, you are exercising niceness on a social interaction level. People can honestly do things out of the kindness in their heart. People will argue that this is untrue, that every action has a motive, but this cannot be true.
What is exactly is a character trait? The inert quality that one openly exerts, not to gain some substantial personal gain, but because that is what they naturally feel is right. I truly believe, that people are capable of doing things that they feel are right, for no other reason than they believe it is right. Niceness can be a character trait. People can act out of instinct to be nice. Niceness can be an inert quality that people display put of a choice they make in their own lives. Making a decision to be nice is not necessarily connected with personal gain either. People can act nice out of an inner want to be a better person. People don’t necessarily need to gain something in order to choose to be nice. Cynicism is not a needed quality. The world doesn’t need millions of pessimistic people. If everyone was cynical and always thought negative, where would we be? Niceness is a sweeping quality; it encompasses kindness, compassion, sincerity, and countless other positive notions of being. The world needs more nice people, not to promote personal gain, but to better the environment in which we inhabit.
Maryum- I could completely follow everything you said with the blog. I was completely unorganized too because the topic is hard to really develop and opinion. I had not thought of the blog like you did but I am glad I read your blog because it gave me another view on the situation. I agree that niceness is drilled into us when we are young. When writing my blog I had forgotten about this truth. It is our job to keep this niceness and most people do but some just lose it.
ReplyDeleteLucas!!! I’m going to kill you!!!
ReplyDeleteHa Ha just kidding! But that’s annoying so don’t call me that! Anyways in response to your comment maybe I used that the wrong way. What is natural anyways? How do you have a trait that sticks with you your whole life? What if you were just born in the jungle like Tarzan? What would your traits be? Do character traits have to be natural? I think people are influenced and that is what builds their characters. I bet if I was born somewhere else then I’m likely I won’t be the same person. But I kind of understand what you mean when you say a character trait is something that you are born with… like there is something in us that distinct us from everybody else, regardless of what position we’re in on this earth. Ugh I’m honestly not sure now…
From a young age, the idea that everything around us and within us can be dissected cultivates. Understanding processes step by step allows us to visualize and utilize the way things work. However we often forget the final and most important step: putting our little solution back into the bigger problem. Wonderful, you understand how a lung works! But what good is that, if you don’t see how it functions with the body. Alone the lung is a neat little device, but in context it is the difference between life and death. This seems simple enough, but prepare to dive into the abstract. A decision on it’s own can never make sense. There are many different reasons why we choose to do everything, even if we do not always recognize them. If someone knew every detail of a situation, they still could not predict what choice someone else would make without knowing anything about that person. There is a personnel way each of us has of thinking and weighing our priorities, which plays into how we make decisions, but it is also a large component of our character.
ReplyDeleteLet’s pause time for a few minutes. Everyone is frozen. While we are at it, let’s put them all in the same clothing, with the same expressions, in one giant white washed room. All of humanity is lined up there, and the only word coming to my mind is “clones”. They are totally without character or personality. People’s day to day actions and decisions determine who they are to the world. The brain and character are muscles. If you run everyday for a long time, it will start to become part of you. Your body will be built like a runner, and you will feel strange and wrong if you stop running. If you are regularly kind to people, even for manipulative or selfish reasons, then the kindness still becomes a part of you. Many therapists use role-playing to help patients. Although the patients clearly know it is fake, it has still proven to be very effective. Many undercover agents have been lost, because they became who they were pretending to be. They transformed into the identity they were acting under, while the identity they had formerly considered their true self slipped away. Decisions are so deeply intertwined with character that the neither one can be examined without considering the other.
Character governs our decisions. Decisions determine and form our character. Just like the circle of life, everything works together and connects. In sixth grade, there was a girl in my class, who many of the other girls didn’t like. She was on the weirder side, but she had been through a lot of hard stuff. All of the girls sat at one table during lunch. One day a few of the other girls decided to kick this girl off of our table. She begged them to stay, and she ended up crying at another table all by herself. I don’t remember thinking about consequences at that point. Although I wasn’t close with her at all, I felt a strong need to do something. I stood up and said they should ask her to come back. They refused, and told me to forget about it. I retorted that I could not like myself if I stayed with them, and sat with her. I had committed a social suicide of sorts, but I was filled with a new conviction and realization of myself. My character powered my thought process and action. My decision forever changed and influenced my character.
"Niceness is a decision. It is a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait." This means that people only decide to be nice to others when it benefits them. They are not nice because they are nice people.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I agree and disagree with the quote. I agree that niceness is a decision. People decide on whether to be nice, similar to how they decide on whether to be honest. For example, when asked to donate money to Brian’s Run, I can decide to be nice and donate some change, or I can decide to not be nice and donate nothing. I decided to be nice. I decided to be nice simply because I wanted to do the “right” thing. I donated to benefit other people, not myself, which is why I disagree with the quote when it says, “It is a strategy of social interaction.”
Although there are people who perform nice acts in order to gain something, these people are not truly nice; instead they are devious and scheming. The truly nice people are nice out of selflessness, not selfishness. Sometimes, when I share food, hoping to gain food in return later, I may appear to be a nice person, but, in reality, I am a schemer. Other times, however, when I see my friends sitting at lunch with no food in front of them, I may offer some of mine in an attempt to help assuage their uncomfortable hunger. This would be an example of when I am truly nice.
Despite my occasional selfish acts sugarcoated under niceness, I am still a nice person. Why? I am still nice because I decide to be altruistic more times than I decide to be scheming. No one is truly nice all the time; everyone is selfish once in a while. Therefore, nice people are characterized by their tendency to be altruistic more often than selfish, and most people who are “nice” perform nice acts selflessly. A character trait for these people is niceness.
A character trait is a quality that describes a person. Niceness is a character trait because the tendency to act more altruistically than selfishly is a quality in people. It is a quality because this tendency describes a person. Some people may argue that niceness is not a character trait because it is subject to change—the tendency to act more altruistically can reverse to the tendency to act more selfishly. They reason that character traits should only consist of qualities that cannot change in people such as creativity. The problem with this argument is that it limits too many important descriptive qualities such as motivation, honesty, bravery, respectfulness, confidence, loudness, curiosity, and niceness. Without descriptive qualities such as these, a person’s character cannot be effectively described. Take me for example. I am smart, motivated, Chinese, honest, male, respectful, creative, nice.
Uroosa~ Loved your analogies! I very much appreciate how you write these blogs. You're aways so matter-of-fact without being boring and dull and opinionless. I agree that, at times, being nice is just the best method. Even if the other person doesn't deserve any amount of respect, their is a time and place for arguments and in front of the class with a teacher in full control of your marking period grade is not one of them!
ReplyDeletePooja- "Nice is something a person does without their own selfish reasons." I liked this generalization. It is very true and makes niceness seem as if it is an idealistic quality. Niceness is a thing people must strive for, something they must accomplish without selfish reasons. I really liked your opinions on the subject, especially coming from such a nice person.
ReplyDeleteLucas- "Nice is a lot weaker than kind, or caring, or altruistic." I don't think this statement is necessarily true. Nice doesn't have to be a weak adjective. "Nice" encompasses all of the qualities you listed. True niceness is a very genuine and ideal quality, not a weak adjective used in place of a very unique or descriptive one. It's all about how you perceive it.
Shirley- "Niceness is a decision, but that does not mean niceness isn't a character trait. If niceness isn't a character trait, that means that everyone in the world is evil and conniving, and nobody sticks out for one another. And I know that's not true." Shirley, I agree with everything you described here. I like how you have faith in the human race. I appreciate the notion that humans can't be totally evil. You are very wise in saying niceness is a decision but also a character trait. There is no absolute answer to the question of niceness. Some people are nice for personal gain yet for others it comes as a natural character trait.
Maryam R.
ReplyDeleteHey almost b-day girl! Anyways I hate how you always say you don’t ever make sense but you almost all the time do. I agree that there are varying degrees of niceness. And I definitely agree with ‘The person they are helping means the most to them’ (or something like that, because this is what I think when I hear the word nice. It’s not like they are intentionally looking for a reward. Like your super duper nice, you would probably be the few that fit into your definition of Nice and my nice. Are our definitions the same, right? Yeah well I think it is…
Brittt O'brien ~ gotta love the kiss asses! I agree that niceness (if such a word exists) is a tool and, in your personal example, it can do some trecherous things. It has the ability to take advantage of other nice people and fool everyone. Not so good. So I suppose there is a nice way to be nice and a not so nice way to do it! @.@
ReplyDeleteAs humans we thrive off positive re-enforcement, we look for anything and everything to better ourselfs, and molding our personalititys to better our selfs is just human nature. Everyone wants to be liked, even by people who we ourselfs dont actually "like" or want to emulate. The ability to be nice to others in situations where you know youd rather not is a fantastic ability. In the work world this is used everyday, being able to approach youre boss and listen rather than blurt out all of your negatitive emotions is a great tactic. As i write this im trying not to confuse being nice with self control but i cant help linking the two together. In order to choose to be nice you must have the self control to keep things within the walls of youre own mind. Im not saying there arn't truely nice people in this world.What kind of society would we be if there were no generally nice people? Everyone has a bit of true niceness within them, its those certian special people and the bonds that we create in a lifetime that bring them out. Deep down everyone is nice, whether it be in their own clique or to everyone they meet. I may seem as if im contradicting myself, so let me give a better example to what im aiming at. During our everyday reactions with teachers and other students we are not particularly close with we use niceness as a front to protray ourselfs as a etter individual. Then as we move to our close friends and realitives we take on a completly different persona, we are generally nice for no apperent reason at all, just because we know we love these people and have chosen to be around them for this very reason.
ReplyDeleteSarahC.- Well I suck at life because I read your second comment first. Oh Hitler.. that’s all I can say about that topic =). Sarah you are probably one of the few people who will not be nice to someone because it is a force. You tell people straight up what you are thinking and don’t hold back. This is an amazing trait to have. Why cover anything up? No one will care in a few days anyway. However, just because someone is nice to you does not mean that they are being fake. Not all niceness is fake. I have noticed you really do notice when people say “god bless you” after a sneeze which does say a lot about their character. I normally every chance I get say this to you because for some odd reason you sneezed since freshman year. Little gestures like this reveal a lot about a person.
ReplyDeleteKTG-
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree on all of your quirky and thoughtful examples. I giggled when you mentioned Santa Claus, by the way. Niceness shouldn't even be a real word, for it is both a contradicting and awkward placement in any situation. It's basically a word that we use for our own personal gain. An instance like saving your brother or going to church should never, under any circumstance, be classified under the word "nice". Ew. We aren't all angels, and so we basically aren't born with niceness. As for the Sims, they are so sterotypical! Even if I make my characters "nice", they still pee themselves and they never do their homework. Okay, I'm getting off topic, but I just wanted to say that!
Deanna:
ReplyDeleteI wrote my blog before I read anyone else’s, but sure enough you and I agree once again. Our interpretations of the relationship between character and decisions are in complete harmony with each other. I like the way you organized and approached this. It comes off as logical, but your thought process and opinions are still really strong. I believe that happiness is a choice. You can be a wretched grump every morning, or you can look for the good in the world around you. The only thing I don’t understand is how you can say “just be happy”, and still only see this blog topic as pessimistic. Superficially it may seem cynical, but after really reflecting on it and hearing different opinions I found it refreshing. People are so content to accept things the way they are, but looking at the good in the world as resulting from humanity, from us, is nothing less than inspiring. Sorry, I ranted a little.
Katie:
I think your example really shows something that is very easy to overlook. People often do the right or good thing in the rush of the moment. If you see a baby in the path of a bus, and run to save it, I seriously doubt you are contemplating how it will help you or how awesome it will make you feel. It is something you just do. In the heat of the moment you can not imagine doing anything but what you know is right. It may be a benefit, but I don’t think that should take anything away from the act. The good feeling or relief is a nice little side thing to let you know, you did good. By the way, you always make me laugh, and you think about things in a really unique way, which is wonderful.
Gwen:
“I will treat you like a gentleman, sir, not because you are one, but because I am one.” (Sir Winston Churchill) That is basically my method of dealing with people I can’t stand, and you seem to be the same way. When I’m around people I’m comfortable with, I am just natural. I don’t censor myself, so that niceness is much more sincere. When reading you explain how you are this way too, I wondered if it was a kind of lie, to conceal how you really want to treat someone or how you think they deserve to be treated. If you’re kind but your intentions are in the wrong place, is that worse than treating that person horribly? I’m not sure, but I believe that our decisions create us. I think suffering through being kind to someone you don’t think deserves it will make you a better person.
Lucas-
ReplyDeleteNiceness is a choice that results in great benefits, and I agree on the depths of your explanations. It just seems reasonable to choose being nice, for it is both a gain for youself and your world. However, I was caught upon your sentence "Personalities don't exist." Unless you were being sarcastic (because I can never tell), that is an extremely bold and general statement. To an extent, I agree with you. I'm kind of going off topic, but our parents have taught us to be "nice" and scarring morals into our personalities ever since we can remember. They even use imaginative characters to emphasize these morals (Santa). These bundles of morals that later become our personalities don't make it much personal. However, I believe personalities exist. We aren't automatically robots by the time we enter the adult-world. The influences we grew up with just help us make the right decisions. They usually affect us negatively.
*They usually DO NOT affect us negatively.
ReplyDeleteLike I mentioned earlier today, “I guess I am weird.” I totally think that this quote gives a vivid, insightful view into the true depths of what the word nice truly means, but my whole life all I ever have been is nice. To some extent I believe that being nice is a decision, but from my point of view if it has been instilled in you constantly ever since you were young, to be a “nice, respectful young lady,” then you have become accustomed to acting that way. I honestly, strongly disagree that being nice is a strategy for social interaction. I am nice because I want to be nice, I could never picture myself being completely nasty to another human being. I am not looking for anything in return from that person, I am just being myself. The last part if being nice is a character trait confuses me. I don’t want to say I disagree with that because anytime someone describes my traits they seem to focus on me being overly nice. I want to say it’s a character trait because I feel it’s a part of who I am, but it seems everyone in class made me feel as though anyone who is nice , is generally not always nice because I feel everyone believe there is no such thing, as nice therefore it’s a not a character trait. I totally believe this quote and understand it’s significance and argument, but I have to disagree with it because I believe I am one of those genuinely nice people, so here is my story.
ReplyDeleteSarah L
ReplyDelete“I retorted that I could not like myself if I stayed with them, and sat with her.” That was a very nice thing to do, and I respect you for it. Too many people are unable to stand up against the injustices, even simple ones like the banishing of a girl off a lunch table. It’s actions like yours that help me believe that most people who act nice, do so selflessly. In your case, the negative side effects were completely obvious while the positive side effects were not. Despite this, you did nicely anyway.
Kelsey C
“We are nicer to the ones we try and date, but can easily forget about the girl who does not fit into your category of friends. People are nice for their image and not to truly be a good person.” I absolutely agree with the first sentence but disagree with the second.
I am an example of the first sentence, and I don’t like it. However, this doesn’t mean that this kind of behavior is bad. I act like this not because I am mean or selfish. I do this even without thinking about it. If I am pursuing a girl, then I will inevitably act nicer to her so she will like me more while still act nice to others. I forget about the other girl simply because I barely talk to her as she is not my friend.
The majority of nice people are not nice for their image. If projecting a nice image is so important and beneficial in society, then more people would do it. However, this is not the case. Rather, there are few nice people as its social benefits are not that great.
Kaitlin H
Oh Kaitlin, I disagree with you a lot. “Everyone is nice for their own personal gain, pure strategic gain. It doesn’t make sense for someone to do something just to do it. There must be a reason behind everything. The reason behind being nice? Personal gain, for sure.” Why can’t people be nice simply to be nice? Why must there be an alternative, hidden motive of personal gain? Aren’t there any pure-hearted people in a world with over 6,700,000,000 of us? There has to be at least one.
“Although I’ve chosen the road of niceness, I could at anytime make a detour into the dark forest of cruelty and meanness.” I don’t think you are capable of this. Saying you can become cruel and actually becoming cruel is totally different. Some people simply don’t have a cruel heart. You are one of these people. Today, in biology class, someone angered you, and you could do nothing but laugh. You even told me that you can’t help but always laugh. Certainly, people who laugh all the time cannot be mean people. Even if you do somehow manage to be mean, I don’t think you could compare to the all the true mean people out there. In a good way, your simply too nice.
I grew up in a household that preached the theory of always being nice, my mother being the prime example of this theory. My mother always is smiling; greeting everyone with a friendly hello and gladly volunteers her time to help someone in need. Anytime I came home with a problem or conflict with another, my mother would listen and like others preach to their children to “ Fight Back” and “Stand Up for yourself,” my mother always responded simply with , “ Kill them with Kindness.” That has been my philosophy for , anytime that I have a problem with someone I vent, but I continue to treat these people with all the niceness and kindness in the world. Many of you may feel like I am being fake, but I truly I am not because in my heart of hearts even if this person treated me like I was a piece of scum I could never imagine myself treating them badly. I know that I am not nice for to climb up the social latter, I have literally been berated, mocked and criticized for being fake. I think the fact is because people are uncertain of what my intentions and feel it’s a façade. Honestly, it truly is not yeah, I choose to be nice but I don’t know any other way to react to that person other than to be nice. I generally believe even if I am not fond of that person that everyone in some little way is good at heart. That is exactly why I am nice because I think that mainly we don’t give people the benefit of doubt we judge them right off the back. I am not saying that people don’t tick me off and I would want to exchange a few words with these people, but all in all I generally believe that I could never do that or really would want to. I may rant about people that I am in current conflict at the moment or things that really irk me, but anytime I conduct in these current rants my conscious always intervenes. I feel guilty for taking about things like that because I feel it’s not morally right to talk about people, but we all do it I believe it’s inevitable.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I believe for many it’s a decision but for me it’s the way I was raised. I have never done it to achieve social status or get a gold star. I have always been nice because that’s who I am and I can’t change that because me being nice is a permanent trait.
Nice has no value to me. If someone said I was “nice” I’d have to ask them to elaborate. It is a pitiful excuse for an adjective and ought to be exiled to some random little island in the middle of some chilling dark ocean. And the island must be filled with cannibals. Nothing else will do. Anyway, since I have to give nice some sort of meaning here, I’ll define it as politeness or being well mannered. Rolling with this definition, Niceness is not a character trait. I whole heartedly agree that it is merely a tool for getting somewhere or, sometimes, evading a situation.
ReplyDeleteBack in the day I knew this girl, I didn’t particularly care for her but we were acquaintances. Her mother had cancer and her father worked his ass off to provide for his daughter and ailing wife. One day I was sitting on a swing, just chatting with this chick, when she told me “I’m going to my friend’s house today because I am just so sick of hanging with you. You are such a little pre-teen and I need some real company.” Mind you, I was 12, she was 14. She was raised by two super sweet, super “nice” parents in a perfectly mannered little world, and she was a total bitch. Hence why niceness isn’t a character trait. She obviously wasn’t born, nor learned, how to be nice.
Nice, in tool form, can function as a hammer. In the right hands it can make beautiful houses and rather charming bird homes, but left in the hands of a malevolent soul, it can kill an innocent person or vandalize a school. Niceness has that same potential. On a particularly dreary and depressing day, I was sitting in dance, sniffling and attempting to suppress the waves of sobs that came every so often, when a child (who will remain nameless for the sake of less drama) who was known for disliking people, me in particular, came up to me, GAVE ME A HUG, and told me that she hoped everything would work out, whatever was wrong. Just like that I was totally fine. Was she lying to me? Probably. Does she like me today? Not so much. The point was, her one act of niceness, no matter how false, was enough to bring my spirits up to a more tolerable level, and she knew it. She took her hammer and instead of bashing in my skull she nicely built me a bird home!
On another occasion, another nameless lady nicely offered to listen to my rant about my father and his shortcomings. She was too sweet and cheery to NOT trust! I explained our relationship (my father’s and mine) and the things he did and said that just made me cringe. Patiently she heard me out, listening and nodding and adding the “My!”s and “Oh dear!”s right where they belonged. And shortly after she ran to my father to express her “concern” for my well being and our relationship and basically ratted me out, adding her own colorful touches to make me seem like such a troubled teen. She bashed my skull in with her niceness hammer and she was aiming to do it all along.
Chrissy H:
ReplyDeleteIt worked. I know as well as you do that "personalities don't exist" is an overly general statement that basically cannot be true. However, it got you to think, which is kind of what I wanted. Also, I'm not so sure "scarring morals" is the right phrase... To me, the connotation of scars is a bad event that happened and can never be erased. Maybe imprinting? I don't know. But I get what you are saying.
Lucas-
ReplyDeleteYeah, i used scarring in a different connotation then what you are thinking. Imprinting is a better word for what I was going for, haha.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI like how you noted about how at a certian age children begin to pick up tactics to better themselfs. How they can distingush between things that could work well on the playground. But i believe that the same behaivors we develop at a young age follow us into adulthood, and these same ideas that got us more friends on the playground could help us get the next big deal at a company.
KTG,
I love the example you showed about the pool partly because ive been there countless occasions and i can picture in my mind every event as it happenend. The part that really captured me though was how you showed that in dire situations brother or not people shows acts of kindness, most are not doing this to better themselfs its just engrained into our being to be there when people need us.
JV,
"It’s something that our parents, or guardians, cultivate us. Character is not something that’s just there. We gain it from our interactions with the people around us and our environment."
JV, I love this quote from your comment, that every child is born pure and we gain everything we know from our surroundings and our interactions. I never really thought about how a childs environment would effect how nice they are when the move to adulthood. Thinking about it a child that lived in the ghetto and experinced harhness their entire lives would be less inclined to be nice then a child growing up in the woods of mullica.
Sarah C.- Omg, your mom says the same thing my mom says lol. I know that plan never works but unlike you I feel I can detatch myself away fromt that basic principle. Your blogs are soo funny like you ever soo funny self. I really like you last bit when you are talking about how you measure the person character by picking up a book or saying "God Bless, because that it truly what makes someone real!
ReplyDeleteRoo- I want to tell you that you are the epitome of being overly kind, you have always been there for me and helped me through anything. You are someone I look up to because you make me a better person!
ReplyDeleteBrynne-
ReplyDeleteWow, you are so confident in being nice. I know you are a GOOD person, but today I described you as good instead of nice. I, unlike you, believe that nice is a social strategy. Think about it B- don't you act nice because it makes you feel good in the long run? That's a strategy. If your mom never imprinted the morals of being a "nice, young lady", would you still act the way you do? We all have a bad side, and unless you are a robot, I'm sure you wouldn't act "nice". You have so many good intention and you are such a decent and compassionate person. This is why because automatically assume you as being "overly-nice". They doubt the fact that such a "nice" person exists, and thus they refer to you as fake. I'm sorry, but I don't like calling you nice. It's too much of a general, cliche, and an over-used word to describe a unique and irreplacable person like you. You are so much more than that stupid word nice.
Jon W ~ I'm definitely loving how you linked nice and self control together. You really have to control your internal longing to hurt people (or whatever else you had in mind) in order to be nice I guess. I also found your scenario with nice being a front until you et to know someone very interesting. I never thought of people as being nice to make a friend and then switching to being nice BECAUSE someone's their friend.
ReplyDeleteUroosa: I think I'm going to disagree with you. I think that first off, 'niceness', the word in general, is nebulous and may mean different things to others. 'Niceness' is definately a trait, but when it comes to the blog's context, of course it's a decision. When it comes to this blog's context, hell, anything and everything is a decision.
ReplyDeleteShelly: I found it quite odd that coming from someone who's interested in the buddhist, counter-culture, hippie-esque ways wouldn't find fullfilment in being nice to others. Looking through a buddhist perspective, I'd figure that one would like to achieve not only inner peace, but also, harmony with nature, your surroundings and the world. I just always expected that being truly nice to others was a step to achieving such things.
Jessie B: Wow, I never knew that you were so cynical. It's upsetting to hear that not only you, but a majority of the AP Langers, see 'niceness' as nothing more but a 'learned trait' and a 'decision'. It's needless to say that one's environment, especially at an early age, would definately alter one's personalities and actions. So, like any other trait, such as loyality, honesty, enthusastic and so forward, may all be a 'learned trait'.
Everyone is born with the potential to be nice. It’s not a learned or acquired trait; like Megan said, “Nice is … a lifestyle choice.” I might be one of the least patient people in the world, so sometimes my niceness fades when certain people (usually one, or all, of my sisters) annoy me.
ReplyDeleteWhat does nice mean anyway? As in our discussion today, I think that nice is an all-encompassing umbrella that covers other traits such as caring, kind, helpful, and courteous. However, just because a person demonstrates one of these traits doesn’t mean they are nice. Some one who is nice shows all of these traits and does so without selfish intentions.
Every day after school around three o’clock all of my sisters are home and excited to be out of school for the day. However, I’m usually running around the house like a crazy person getting my things for swim practice ready because I have to leave within a half hour. They horse around in the kitchen and annoy each other just for fun, and it GRATES on my nerves. Lindsay will hit herself in the arm and scream, “MOMMMMM! Lainey hit meeeee!” All while Logan and Lainey are throwing things to each other or singing really loudly, or doing both at the same time. It’s a circus. I’m already under enough stress, and their actions stress me out even more because I try to make things right and make them stop, but it just doesn’t work.
This is when I snap. All of my niceness goes out the window and the only words that leave my mouth are, “God, what are you doing?” “Why don’t you stop acting like a five-year-old and do something productive?” “If you’re going to get in everyone’s way, than at least stop acting like an idiot!” Sometimes what I say doesn’t even make sense, but I’m so angry I just scream. I consider myself a relatively nice person, but stuff like this really makes me mad and separates me from my nice alter ego.
So here’s my point; in certain situations people act the complete opposite of nice, which means niceness is how someone chooses to act, not an ever-present character trait. It would be impossible for someone to be “nice” all of the time because at least one thing pisses everyone off.
As for the “social interaction” part, acting nice is a mechanism people use in order to fit in and make friends. My mom always says, “you attract more bees with honey than vinegar.” In other words, if you want to make friends or attract anyone for that matter, being sweet is always more effective than being sour. For example, someone who acknowledges others and smiles frequently will most likely have more friends than someone who is always in a bad mood and acts like a bitch. All in all, niceness is a personal choice, and depending on a person’s character, they choose to be nice or miserable.
Uroosa:
ReplyDeleteI agree with you completely. (I even used the bee/honey/vinegar cliché ;)) However, one part of your blog stood out. “Most of the time, they are being nice to overcompensate for some self esteem issues they may have.” You are so smart! I kind of realize why I try to be nice now. After reading this part of your blog, I was like “Hmm… maybe I’m nice all of the time because I want to impress people, hoping I’ll impress myself at the same time.” Maybe it’s a confidence issue, I don’t know. But, thanks for helping me discover why I’m nice!
Shelly:
When I was writing my blog I drew a blank for the exact same reasons. This is a lot to think and form an opinion about while trying to write effectively. However, I think you did a fabulous job of getting your point across. I understand where you’re coming from when you said, “Being kind and polite may appear to be a trait but overall it’s just a façade.” but I don’t agree with you. For some people it’s definitely true, but others just genuinely want to be nice and help people, as altruistic as it sounds.
Stephanie:
“The use of niceness is a strategy when dealing with people. You can use your charm to persuade someone, your looks to gain attention, and your niceness to gain people’s trust. Each and everyday is a game, I think. You have to impress someone, create trust in another, and even depend on someone else.”
Wow! I love how you related this whole “thing.” It makes perfect sense! I agree with you halfway, though. This is true for the majority of society, but as I said to Shelly, some people are genuinely good. I hate how one person spoils something for everyone else. In this situation, one conniving “nice” person ruins the stereotype for all of the authentic nice people.
Uroosa:
ReplyDeleteI just had to comment on yours especially because of the conversation at lunch. I disagree with you and will always disagree with you! (Ha Ha) Really there are people that are nice just to be nice. Just as you have a character trait as being loyal, I too, have a character trait of being nice. (I don’t agree it’s natural though… but then again I don’t know for sure.) For instance, when I hear bad news of death I always pray and end up praying for everybody else struggling in this world. See I’m spending time to think about them because I want to, what am I getting out that, that will directly benefit me? And I believe your nice in my definition of nice... I think your just complicating yourself... Or am I? But it was fun talking to you in such a long time!
I have always been wary of those people who are TOO nice. The ones that never have anything negative to say about anyone, always have a smile on their face, and never seem to be angry. It just comes across as very, very fake.
ReplyDeleteDon’t get me wrong, not everyone who is nice is fake, but those people who are overly nice are the ones I worry about. They also are the people that have formulated by reasoning for this blog.
Everyone is selfish. Everything we do, we do in order to benefit ourselves in some way. I admit that about myself. Sure, we do things that may come across as self-less, but once you take a closer look, you see that it all comes back to one thing, me. For example, I’m in Interact here at Oakcrest. The point of Interact is to serve our community, country, and our world. Yes, I enjoy doing community service, and helping other people around me, but I probably would not be in the club if I didn’t want to put it on my college applications. Basically, I’m killing two birds with one stone.
People who pretend that everything they do is for the greater good, and that nothing they do is for themselves are full of crap. They are putting on a mask to try and make themselves look good.
Now that I have covered the extreme of using nice-ness as a strategy of social interaction, it is time to answer the question fully.
We are not born nice. Nice, is not a trait at all, let alone an inherent one. Character traits include things like being sarcastic, outgoing, or optimistic. Being nice is not a character trait, because everyone can be nice if they chose to be. It is a general label we give to people who aren’t mean (mean is also not a character trait) Just like we can choose what we want to eat for breakfast in the morning, we can choose if we want to be nice. Being nice is nothing very special; it is just a way we word things in order to avoid conflict, hide how we really are feeling, or to advance our own interests. Effective communication is the main purpose of being nice. If you are nice to them, someone is more likely to help you than if you are not nice to them.
To those that don’t really know me, I’m a nice person. Nice, is the label I am given because I’m not a “bully”, I don’t freak out when someone bumps me in the hallway, and I try to talk to everyone. My friends, and other people that know me, know that in reality that I’m a bit of an asshole. I make sarcastic comments, pick on people, according to Alexis, I actually am a bully.
I CHOOSE to be nice to people that don’t know me well, because like anyone else I don’t want to be disliked. It’s as simple as that.
Jessie B.- You are a really amazing writer, I just wanted to let you know that! Anyways, I really thought you had some strong points to your theory about people being nice but I still strongly disagree with you that people are nice for their own benefit. I am going back to myself, I honestly cannot see myself being extremely mean to another because once i look into a person's eyes I feel like there is something that I dont know about them, so why treat them, so horribly when they could be suffering so greatly. I know i am weird, but that is how I think. Yeah, it may make me feel good to put a smile on another, but it bothers me when I upset someone, even if I am not their biggest fan.
ReplyDeleteRESPONSE #1 TAYLOR
ReplyDelete"These people are rare, like wow that’s blood, this steak is still living rare."
I LOL'd at this analogy. You always put the funniest little things into your writing that makes it genuiniely Taylor. I always enjoy what you have to say. :)
RESPONSE #2 STEPHANIE
ReplyDelete"Each and everyday is a game, I think."
The whole paragraph preceding this sentence was so strong, but this ruined it. I have noticed that in your blogs you never display complete conviction in the way you feel. If you had left the sentence at "Each and everyday is a game." you would have left much more of an impact. By saying "I think." you leave it open for someone to disagree with you. Be strong in what you are saying!
KTG- Your blog is so original and sooo funny! I like your example of the Sims because I too always add the nice trait. I totally today during our whole discussion was thinking about the Santa Clause is coming to town, song lol! Anyways, today I was like you debating whether I do things for personal gain to benefit from my nice deeds. Some occassions I feel I do, but for your situation or anyone situation where it invovles helping out someone in need. I feel undoubtly is not to benefit from, but like you I do question my intentions, sometimes!
ReplyDeleteRESPONSE #3 LUCAS
ReplyDelete"If somebody looks at a project I just completed and says, “Oh, its… nice,” I would feel a lot worse than if they said it was great. When describing someone’s personality, it seems to have the same effect."
My mom is a second grade teacher. In her class, she has a special wall that contains words dubbed "trash can words". What is the number one trash can word? Nice. Nice has no special connotation at all. Sometimes, like in the scenario of a project, the word nice can seem like an insult, as if you are not worth the time of coming up with a better word.
Alix L:
ReplyDelete"My mom is a second grade teacher. In her class, she has a special wall that contains words dubbed "trash can words". What is the number one trash can word? Nice."
Please tell me "cute" is on that wall too. I hate that word!
Lucas: Actually, cute is number 2! haha
ReplyDeleteLet me start off with a fact about myself, seeing that most of you do not have a gist of who I am. No, no, no, I'm not trying to be the 'deep, dark, mysterious, and complex' girl. It's just that I choose not to open myself to most people. Anyhow, on with the fact! I absolutely love the human race, as a whole. Yes, even through all of the flaws, stupidity and constant doubt in a few people, I still absolutely love the human race. In the imperfections and the ugly, I still can, somehow, perceive the beauty in it all. I constantly find myself wondering for hours about why people do the things they do, and do they the things they enjoy. Humans fascinate me. And no, I am not an alien. I suppose that I'm just... well, atypical.
ReplyDeleteWith all of that rambling said, being nice to others is not only a decision to me, but it is also because there's such a self-fulfillment in being nice to others. I often find myself at inner-peace when I do such things. As gay as this sounds, I feel a warmness inside of me when I do good to others.
It was such a disappointment to see how everyone only utilizes 'niceness' as a tool for persuasion, self-gain and well, 'just to be.' I may not act the nicest on certain days, but sometimes I swear, I'm so much into my mind that I tend to push people away. I am sorry. But, I understand that 'niceness' is a means of strategy since you need act in such a way but, why be something you're not?
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me TRUTH. (Thoreau)"
I shall repeat what I have already said: It's needless to say that one's environment, especially at an early age, would definitely alter one's personalities and actions. So, like any other trait, such as loyalty, honesty, enthusiastic and so forward, may all be a 'learned trait'.
We can all easily ourselves as blank pieces of sheet music, but in the end, only a true symphony can be sung with utter, genuine feelings.
In other words, we may act as the people we
WANT to be, but that doesn't change who we truly are.
YES! I always feel like niceness is a decision more than an innate character trait. I'm always only nice to people to avoid conflict or seem polite or project a positive outward appearance, to seem friendly or attractive. I feel like people that are nice are only nice for these reasons. I feel like being nice seems automatic because we (or at least I) are used to niceness as being a simple, repeatable mechanism for facilitating smooth and positive social exchanges in communication without its effect being subject to diminishing over time. It's easy to be nice. In formal surroundings like school or work, being nice is almost always a premium option to ensure conflict-free social interactions. Only in the street or in other more openly hostile environments does being nice pose a disadvantage, as it could also project an image of vulnerability or sensitivity, or even a belief to whoever is on the opposite end of the conversation that the speaker could be hiding something, lying, or wanting to avoid contact altogether.
ReplyDeleteBeing nice just seems so automatic for me though that it's hard to think of a single story to support this, besides what I already just mentioned. When I'm in school, I always try to be nice, to take everyone's crap like it's nothing. But as soon as I'm out of school, as soon as a coach or a teacher isn't looking and someone feels the need to harass me as if it's a joke, I feel like I can only go so far before I snap. In fact, I wish I could “snap” more often. I kinda feel like I'm too nice; I only really get pissed off around people that I know will take my crap or deserve to take my crap in exchange for how much crap they give to me on a daily basis, namely my mom, and I don't like that. I wish I was more hostile to people that annoy me. I think I would be a lot happier like that, knowing that a select group of people that I don't want to bother me actually WONT bother me for once in my life. I would love to be avoided by people that don't like me, instead of being harassed and annoyed by those people. I would've loved to just cuss out an old teacher or two when they picked on me.
In fact, to be a little more philosophical here, I wish people were less nice than they are now. I think that society has perpetuated niceness, because society is safe and tries to prevent conflict. I think that has rather softened up humanity as a whole. Now, I'm not saying we should all go out and sic bears on each other. I just think that a little conflict and rebellion here and there would actually benefit us by resolving our problems with each other out in the open.
Rooza Z.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the whole part about how murderers are not born evil, that environmental factors play a much greater role than genetic factors. But I don't think people are nice to overcompensate for self-esteem issues. People with self-esteem issues usually seem depressed or cynical to me, but if that's true (and it always could be) then I think that people that are nice because of self-esteem issues always end up with a higher degree of self-loathing and stress than before.
Jourdan S.
-I agree with you almost completely. I like the whole Jonnie/Janie story and I too hate people that pretend to be nice but can be easily heard backstabbing someone else. But I don't necessarily think these people are evil. I think these people are merely trying to make the most friends by having mutual enemies with other people.
Megan S.
-I don't think that if we weren't all nice, then there'd be a Holocaust. I think that the Holocaust was allowed to go on because people were nice, as in they put everything under the rug and ignored it. If we were less nice I think that we would become less likely to ignore evil things perpetuated by other people. If everyone was as not nice as Hitler, then there'd be too many individuals for a genocide to occur.
I see myself as a nice person I try to make friends not enemies. I won’t usually talk behind someone’s back but I do. Does this make me a bad person? What makes someone nice?
ReplyDeleteI believe that niceness is like beauty, its only skin deep. Most people are nice to a persons face but when they turn their back they are mean to them. The people who don’t talk bad about anyone are truly nice people. It may seem that it is nice to stretch the truth to a friend but really it will be better to tell them the honest truth. Most people will pretend to be nice to get some gain. Being nice to someone is always to get something on return; whether it is a thank you or gain your truth or friendship. Some people are just mean because they find it entertaining and people are nice because it makes them feel good.
People are nice because that’s how they were raised. A majority of people weren’t taught to be mean to someone. It is part of people’s manners. It’s seen as nice to hold a door open for someone. It’s the line between nice and courteous but people do each for some reason. Maybe they will do it to get a certain person’s attention or just to get the satisfaction of a thank you.
Niceness is a decision but it is not always realized as a decision. It is instilled into us as we grow up. No one is born evil, well unless you’re the jersey devil than you are but not the point though. We are born pure and become more evil as we grow up. Our parents give us guide lines to which we follow and it becomes habit to obey them all the time. They are manners and having manners make a person nice to society. It makes a person courteous.
Shirley -
ReplyDeleteOkay, yes, it could be seen as an obligation, but that doesn't make it unkind. In my mind, fake kindness is kind deeds done in search of some kind of reward. Someone asks for something, you do it, and even if you're obligated, as long as you aren't "searching" for the reward and recognition, it's kind. A request can always be denied. Just because something was asked for, doesn't mean it diminishes the kindness in completion.